get over name brand / prestige obsession

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking back, one of my biggest regrets/missteps as a parent was putting way too much pressure on my kids to excel in school with the goal of getting into top colleges. The pressure worked, and they did do well and go "name brand," but fast forward a few years and it really didn't make much of a difference. They're all happy and successful, but so are their friends who didn't do as well as they did and didn't end up at top schools. Time is proving to be the great equalizer.

Just something for parents to keep in mind when they're still in the midst of things. I realize I'm probably preaching to the wrong crowd.

The main point I see in your post is about the pressure you put on your kids. Regardless of what you think of brand prestige that is a bad thing to do. See this film:

This is on point and so is OP. Previous generations tried to raise responsible citizens, now everyone is obsessed with getting their kids to the best colleges. Going Ivy League doesn't guarantee happiness, and this kind of pressure can ruin someone's life. My first born is very driven, partly from peer pressure. We try hard not to add any pressure and I'll admit I have to remind myself to try to tamp down any anxiety I might have. Cost of college, hopes of merit awards add to it as well, of course.

HA! Maybe if you’re a rich person feel good movies like Race To Nowhere will resonate with you. Meanwhile, income inequality grows every day and half of all Americans can’t afford a $500 emergency. I’ll do my damn best to make sure my kid ends up on the right side of this horrific divide.

LOL you think if your kid doesn’t go to a top school they’re not going to be able to afford an emergency for $500??? But that blowing $250k on a top school isn’t a risk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will drive yourself nuts trying to optimize every little aspect of your life to get the highest possible odds of success.

And yet, these are the most successful people.

Beyond a certain income, additional money doesn’t buy additional happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grad school is much more important than undergraduate school.

And yet, if you leave bumble fxk Alabama with a low ranking degree in biology you're less likely to get a spot in med school than if you did well at Harvard College as an undergrad.

And if you took an arts / humanities degree at Harvard you may get your PhD paid for. whereas coming from Alabama (or other similar place) not likely at all.

Check out the bio of Michael Jordan, a professor in Berkeley and a big name in CS, with a undergraduate degree from Univ of Louisiana.

I recently met a guy who was doing a fully funded PhD in the UK through a prestigious fellowship who started out at a community college. I think we'll be seeing more of this as college gets ever more expensive.

I have a friend who teaches at Duke. He started at community college, went to UMD, then Yale Medical School. He's very accomplished and well-known in his field.

[Anonymous]

I made a TERRIBLE mistake pressuring my kid to do well in hopes that she would get merit aid at a good college.
My kid is a great student and has pretty good test scores (not 4.0/1600 though), but suffers from stress, anxiety and depression. I don't think I caused all this, but I do think my stress about getting DD into a good college and my worry about the cost of college has been a very bad thing, and I deeply regret even mentioning it to DD.
My kid is smart, and she's going to do fine at no-name, whatever in-state school. My older kids went to our flagship (they are smart too) and are doing fine!! I went overboard with my youngest DD because I thought she was so extra talented (maternal projection, no doubt), but it was a HUGE mistake. Huge.
I went to two Ivys, so I guess I felt badly that I couldn't offer the same education to my kid. My issue, not DD's.
In retrospect, I don't think I ought to have mentioned college to her until junior year, and then only delicately and casually. My DD is a rising senior now, and she is extremely stressed out about college, grades, SAT, etc. It's such a bad thing, making her unhappy during her last year at home. I wish I'd been far more relaxed about the whole college thing. Her friends are stressed (and some are depressed too, likely owing to the pandemic), but DD is very sensitive. I feel badly, leven though I was trying to do the right thing for my DD. I have two other kids who didn't need to be pushed, but DD did (I thought). I ought to have left her alone. Now, I am, but it's too late. She's caught up in the chaos, and I'm daily trying to talk her down, calm her down, make her feel good about going to in-state school, about her imperfect (but really, really good!) grades! I wish I'd never gotten caught up in this rat race to nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made a TERRIBLE mistake pressuring my kid to do well in hopes that she would get merit aid at a good college.
My kid is a great student and has pretty good test scores (not 4.0/1600 though), but suffers from stress, anxiety and depression. I don't think I caused all this, but I do think my stress about getting DD into a good college and my worry about the cost of college has been a very bad thing, and I deeply regret even mentioning it to DD.
My kid is smart, and she's going to do fine at no-name, whatever in-state school. My older kids went to our flagship (they are smart too) and are doing fine!! I went overboard with my youngest DD because I thought she was so extra talented (maternal projection, no doubt), but it was a HUGE mistake. Huge.
I went to two Ivys, so I guess I felt badly that I couldn't offer the same education to my kid. My issue, not DD's.
In retrospect, I don't think I ought to have mentioned college to her until junior year, and then only delicately and casually. My DD is a rising senior now, and she is extremely stressed out about college, grades, SAT, etc. It's such a bad thing, making her unhappy during her last year at home. I wish I'd been far more relaxed about the whole college thing. Her friends are stressed (and some are depressed too, likely owing to the pandemic), but DD is very sensitive. I feel badly, leven though I was trying to do the right thing for my DD. I have two other kids who didn't need to be pushed, but DD did (I thought). I ought to have left her alone. Now, I am, but it's too late. She's caught up in the chaos, and I'm daily trying to talk her down, calm her down, make her feel good about going to in-state school, about her imperfect (but really, really good!) grades! I wish I'd never gotten caught up in this rat race to nowhere.

Shoot for the moon, and if you miss you’ll land among the stars. Aim for high SAT and grades, and if you get them but don’t get into a top school, you’ll still have a good outcome in that you’ll get great merit aid offers, be really well prepared for college, and still get into a good but not top school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made a TERRIBLE mistake pressuring my kid to do well in hopes that she would get merit aid at a good college.
My kid is a great student and has pretty good test scores (not 4.0/1600 though), but suffers from stress, anxiety and depression. I don't think I caused all this, but I do think my stress about getting DD into a good college and my worry about the cost of college has been a very bad thing, and I deeply regret even mentioning it to DD.
My kid is smart, and she's going to do fine at no-name, whatever in-state school. My older kids went to our flagship (they are smart too) and are doing fine!! I went overboard with my youngest DD because I thought she was so extra talented (maternal projection, no doubt), but it was a HUGE mistake. Huge.
I went to two Ivys, so I guess I felt badly that I couldn't offer the same education to my kid. My issue, not DD's.
In retrospect, I don't think I ought to have mentioned college to her until junior year, and then only delicately and casually. My DD is a rising senior now, and she is extremely stressed out about college, grades, SAT, etc. It's such a bad thing, making her unhappy during her last year at home. I wish I'd been far more relaxed about the whole college thing. Her friends are stressed (and some are depressed too, likely owing to the pandemic), but DD is very sensitive. I feel badly, leven though I was trying to do the right thing for my DD. I have two other kids who didn't need to be pushed, but DD did (I thought). I ought to have left her alone. Now, I am, but it's too late. She's caught up in the chaos, and I'm daily trying to talk her down, calm her down, make her feel good about going to in-state school, about her imperfect (but really, really good!) grades! I wish I'd never gotten caught up in this rat race to nowhere.

are you an asian family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it makes a difference if you go to a tippy top school. Other than that, the next T50 don’t matter as much. The difference between a school like Tufts or Vanderbilt, say, is negligible even though Vandy is higher ranked. They are both great schools.

I there is another difference once you start past the T100 school. You may have more opportunities graduating from Emory than Appalachian, for instance.

But if you are talking T15-T50, it makes no difference.

You didn't understand my post at all. How old are your kids?

What are you talking about? The pp is spot on.

Sigh. I give up. Clearly you're still in the midst of all of this. Y'all can just go ahead and split hairs between schools and tiers like you always do. As I said, I should have known I was preaching to the wrong crowd.

I'm out.

Just look at the salary outcomes from the school and it obvious that IN GENERAL, higher ranked schools produce better outcomes.

Be aware that outcomes can be skewed by an engine tying program, for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it makes a difference if you go to a tippy top school. Other than that, the next T50 don’t matter as much. The difference between a school like Tufts or Vanderbilt, say, is negligible even though Vandy is higher ranked. They are both great schools.

I there is another difference once you start past the T100 school. You may have more opportunities graduating from Emory than Appalachian, for instance.

But if you are talking T15-T50, it makes no difference.

You didn't understand my post at all. How old are your kids?

What are you talking about? The pp is spot on.

Sigh. I give up. Clearly you're still in the midst of all of this. Y'all can just go ahead and split hairs between schools and tiers like you always do. As I said, I should have known I was preaching to the wrong crowd.

I'm out.

Just look at the salary outcomes from the school and it obvious that IN GENERAL, higher ranked schools produce better outcomes.

Be aware that outcomes can be skewed by an engine tying program, for example.

Engineering, sorry. Location in NE also leads to higher salaries just due to CoL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a TERRIBLE mistake pressuring my kid to do well in hopes that she would get merit aid at a good college.
My kid is a great student and has pretty good test scores (not 4.0/1600 though), but suffers from stress, anxiety and depression. I don't think I caused all this, but I do think my stress about getting DD into a good college and my worry about the cost of college has been a very bad thing, and I deeply regret even mentioning it to DD.
My kid is smart, and she's going to do fine at no-name, whatever in-state school. My older kids went to our flagship (they are smart too) and are doing fine!! I went overboard with my youngest DD because I thought she was so extra talented (maternal projection, no doubt), but it was a HUGE mistake. Huge.
I went to two Ivys, so I guess I felt badly that I couldn't offer the same education to my kid. My issue, not DD's.
In retrospect, I don't think I ought to have mentioned college to her until junior year, and then only delicately and casually. My DD is a rising senior now, and she is extremely stressed out about college, grades, SAT, etc. It's such a bad thing, making her unhappy during her last year at home. I wish I'd been far more relaxed about the whole college thing. Her friends are stressed (and some are depressed too, likely owing to the pandemic), but DD is very sensitive. I feel badly, leven though I was trying to do the right thing for my DD. I have two other kids who didn't need to be pushed, but DD did (I thought). I ought to have left her alone. Now, I am, but it's too late. She's caught up in the chaos, and I'm daily trying to talk her down, calm her down, make her feel good about going to in-state school, about her imperfect (but really, really good!) grades! I wish I'd never gotten caught up in this rat race to nowhere.

Shoot for the moon, and if you miss you’ll land among the stars. Aim for high SAT and grades, and if you get them but don’t get into a top school, you’ll still have a good outcome in that you’ll get great merit aid offers, be really well prepared for college, and still get into a good but not top school.

+1

PP she will thank you one day for pushing her.

[Anonymous]

What are the brands that matter?

HYPSM, obviously.

Then also Chicago, Columbia, Penn, Caltech, Northwestern, Duke, Hopkins, Georgetown, Cornell, Brown, Dartmouth. Notre Dame, if you're Catholic. Berkeley, UCLA, NYU also have good brands. Same as Michigan, UVA. Quite a lot of brands to choose from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the brands that matter?

HYPSM, obviously.

Then also Chicago, Columbia, Penn, Caltech, Northwestern, Duke, Hopkins, Georgetown, Cornell, Brown, Dartmouth. Notre Dame, if you're Catholic. Berkeley, UCLA, NYU also have good brands. Same as Michigan, UVA. Quite a lot of brands to choose from.

UF should be on this list, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the brands that matter?

HYPSM, obviously.

Then also Chicago, Columbia, Penn, Caltech, Northwestern, Duke, Hopkins, Georgetown, Cornell, Brown, Dartmouth. Notre Dame, if you're Catholic. Berkeley, UCLA, NYU also have good brands. Same as Michigan, UVA. Quite a lot of brands to choose from.

Matter for what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking back, one of my biggest regrets/missteps as a parent was putting way too much pressure on my kids to excel in school with the goal of getting into top colleges. The pressure worked, and they did do well and go "name brand," but fast forward a few years and it really didn't make much of a difference. They're all happy and successful, but so are their friends who didn't do as well as they did and didn't end up at top schools. Time is proving to be the great equalizer.

Just something for parents to keep in mind when they're still in the midst of things. I realize I'm probably preaching to the wrong crowd.

I think the real problem here is that a lot of people on DCUM see earning a high income as the only reason to go to college.

For people who're going to college solely to increase their income, maybe name recognition is a big deal. Maybe, for them, going to Penn State is a lot better than going to, say, Brown, because a lot more people have heard of Penn State.

For kids who are born to have high stats and are tired of rarely meeting anyone who shares their interests: focusing on "prestige" schools is a quick way to identify schools that might have a lot of other kids who grew up reading the unabridged dictionary for fun. No one is pushing those kids to get high stats. For them, having a naturally a high stats brain is, in effect, a crippling, isolating disorder that can sometimes lead to career success.

For regular, functional bright kids who enjoy learning, looking for "prestige schools," "Colleges That Change Lives" schools, etc. is a way to try to identify schools where a lot of the students truly enjoy learning and may for example, want to discuss reading assignments for fun. Prestige may not always correlate with the students having a sincere interest in learning, but sometimes it might.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking back, one of my biggest regrets/missteps as a parent was putting way too much pressure on my kids to excel in school with the goal of getting into top colleges. The pressure worked, and they did do well and go "name brand," but fast forward a few years and it really didn't make much of a difference. They're all happy and successful, but so are their friends who didn't do as well as they did and didn't end up at top schools. Time is proving to be the great equalizer.

Just something for parents to keep in mind when they're still in the midst of things. I realize I'm probably preaching to the wrong crowd.

I think the real problem here is that a lot of people on DCUM see earning a high income as the only reason to go to college.

For people who're going to college solely to increase their income, maybe name recognition is a big deal. Maybe, for them, going to Penn State is a lot better than going to, say, Brown, because a lot more people have heard of Penn State.

For kids who are born to have high stats and are tired of rarely meeting anyone who shares their interests: focusing on "prestige" schools is a quick way to identify schools that might have a lot of other kids who grew up reading the unabridged dictionary for fun. No one is pushing those kids to get high stats. For them, having a naturally a high stats brain is, in effect, a crippling, isolating disorder that can sometimes lead to career success.

For regular, functional bright kids who enjoy learning, looking for "prestige schools," "Colleges That Change Lives" schools, etc. is a way to try to identify schools where a lot of the students truly enjoy learning and may for example, want to discuss reading assignments for fun. Prestige may not always correlate with the students having a sincere interest in learning, but sometimes it might.

OMG, here we are again with the "Colleges That Change Lives" BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking back, one of my biggest regrets/missteps as a parent was putting way too much pressure on my kids to excel in school with the goal of getting into top colleges. The pressure worked, and they did do well and go "name brand," but fast forward a few years and it really didn't make much of a difference. They're all happy and successful, but so are their friends who didn't do as well as they did and didn't end up at top schools. Time is proving to be the great equalizer.

Just something for parents to keep in mind when they're still in the midst of things. I realize I'm probably preaching to the wrong crowd.

I think the real problem here is that a lot of people on DCUM see earning a high income as the only reason to go to college.

For people who're going to college solely to increase their income, maybe name recognition is a big deal. Maybe, for them, going to Penn State is a lot better than going to, say, Brown, because a lot more people have heard of Penn State.

For kids who are born to have high stats and are tired of rarely meeting anyone who shares their interests: focusing on "prestige" schools is a quick way to identify schools that might have a lot of other kids who grew up reading the unabridged dictionary for fun. No one is pushing those kids to get high stats. For them, having a naturally a high stats brain is, in effect, a crippling, isolating disorder that can sometimes lead to career success.

For regular, functional bright kids who enjoy learning, looking for "prestige schools," "Colleges That Change Lives" schools, etc. is a way to try to identify schools where a lot of the students truly enjoy learning and may for example, want to discuss reading assignments for fun. Prestige may not always correlate with the students having a sincere interest in learning, but sometimes it might.

This is an important point. For some kids, getting perfect SAT scores almost comes naturally. Those kids would have to try harder to *not* get perfect grades and SATs than to try to get them. But for poorer kids, the point of college is to network and get a high income.