Husbands with SAHMs that prefer they work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Please don't resent my husband, even though he has a wife with her own career and life, and mutually agreed on great childcare with her. Our kids are too old now for childcare, and I'm so glad I didn't waste my potential SAH. And we have millions, too, so no, we didn't continue working just for the money. Kids do not need parental care 24/7 to be "optimized" as people; I do not at all agree that sharing childcare with paid caregivers is "clearly a step down."

I'm the original previous poster you're quoting -- of course "[k]ids do not need parental care 24/7 to be 'optimized' as people." That is a straw man. But if you are working a full time job, we are talking about putting little kids -- babies even -- in the care of someone else during the vast majority of their waking hours. That is not "sharing childcare with paid caregivers." That is having someone else -- a stranger -- raise your children. And in my observation, that stranger typically doesn't love your child as much as a parent, and is not as well educated or thoughtful. If you believe that that is as good as having a parent raise the child, you are either delusional or have little confidence if the abilities of the parents to raise children.

And in light of that, to brag about the fact that you worked and had your children raised by others despite "hav[ing] millions," seems particularly selfish. But that is your decision to make, obviously.

So it's okay for you, as a man with a SAHW, to pursue career and other personal goals for 40+ hours a week, because your spouse is the caregiver? That's how you satisfy yourself that your kids don't need more of you?

I am also guessing your 3 children are young. My youngest is 14, and so I can see how my relationship with them is going to turn out, or glimmers of it. Despite using 50 hours a week of paid childcare for more than 8 consecutive years, my kids are turning into fabulous people with good interpersonal relationships.

I'd be happy to spend more time with my kids and my wife. One of us has to work though, and we chose me. Obviously, if my wife worked full time outside of the house, we would barely have any parent time with the kids. Given how little time kids are awake and engaged at a young age, it seems crazy to have the vast majority of that time go to daycare workers, nannies, whatever. That just seems wrong to me, but if your kids are "fabulous people," then I guess it worked out just fine for you.

So in other words it's okay that you barely have any parent time with your kids, since your wife has a lot of time with them?

I think it's better than both parents having limited time with the kids.

We'll just have to disagree then. It's much more important to us that our children have some time daily with both parents than a lot of time with one parent and much less with another. Once your kids are all middle school aged or older, this is all irrelevant any way. The 0 to 5 years are a blip on the parenting radar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I'm sure kids are appreciative of having a parent dedicated to the home and their needs. But my kids are proud of having a mom who is accomplished outside of the home and are happy to have a nice home jointly run by mom and dad. Whatever works for your family!

+1

I hear kids at preschool all of the time asking their nannies or caregivers "why can't mommy pick me up?" or "why does mommy have to work?" or the worst, when another child asked me "why don't I have a mom on the field trip?" Kids notice these things. Whether is affects them long term or not, we won't really ever know.

Preschool kids also want to eat candy for breakfast. The decision to WOH or SAH is an adult one, not up to the children, who can't possibly know what's best for their family. I picked my kids up plenty of times and made lots of field trips, even though I worked, because I had childcare for my other kids. Many SAHMs couldn't go on field trips because they had no one to watch their other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Here is what I don't understand.

1st... the question was for parents with kids in school
2nd... you are thankful the kids are raised by your wife not somebody else... less educated... what about teachers, teachers aids, etc... is that okay or is she going to homeschool. I have never seen a local daycare without workers that have years of experience or a college education.
3rd... what if the house was not clean, she did not cook and she had depression... then what would you do?
4th... i get that you don't want to have any responsibilities at home, that makes it easy on you, if she wanted to go back would you take on 1/2 the household duties or would you say... go for it but it is up to you to take care of these things since you are not interested
5th... how many hours a day do you see your kids, what time do you get home and what time do they go to bed... does bonding with them disinterest you? Do you think an hour here or there is enough?

1. no, that was not the quest

2. I think kids needs change over time, but I do believe that in the early years, kids spend too much time at school. But no, we aren't home schooling.

3. Get her the help she needs.

4. I wouldn't expect that she'd do all the household work in addition to working full time. That's crazy.

5. I don't see my kids that much -- about an hour or two in the morning and an hour or two at night, depending on the day. I'd like to spend more time with them during the week, but it's just not possible with a full time work schedule. I'm thankful that they have more time with their mom.

1. Sorry, got threads confused.
2. Your kids will not go to preschool? No homeschooling?.... so you are okay with other people with lesser education levels than your family raising your kids once they turn 5 but not before? You are okay that at 5 they get their morals from somebody that has a low level education from a 3rd tier state school?
3. Easier said than done, but that is a nice thought.
4. That is nice, you would fully support doing 1/2 the work and working full time. BTW it is not the crazy. Millions of people do it.
5. I don't think anybody in our family would be happy hardly being a part of their children's family. It will make divorce easier if it every happens, what's the difference... you might actually see your kids more in a divorce situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I'm sure kids are appreciative of having a parent dedicated to the home and their needs. But my kids are proud of having a mom who is accomplished outside of the home and are happy to have a nice home jointly run by mom and dad. Whatever works for your family!

+1

I hear kids at preschool all of the time asking their nannies or caregivers "why can't mommy pick me up?" or "why does mommy have to work?" or the worst, when another child asked me "why don't I have a mom on the field trip?" Kids notice these things. Whether is affects them long term or not, we won't really ever know.

and older kids say "why don't you work" "what do you do all day" "why are you so lazy" "your not using your education" "how hard is it to make a healthy dinner" "ugh Larla's mom is on the field trip today AGAIN" "Hey, Larla, mommy's at school today, maybe she will sit with you at lunch" "Hey Larla, glad your mom did your science project for you looks great"

kids say all kinds of stupid things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I'm sure kids are appreciative of having a parent dedicated to the home and their needs. But my kids are proud of having a mom who is accomplished outside of the home and are happy to have a nice home jointly run by mom and dad. Whatever works for your family!

+1

I hear kids at preschool all of the time asking their nannies or caregivers "why can't mommy pick me up?" or "why does mommy have to work?" or the worst, when another child asked me "why don't I have a mom on the field trip?" Kids notice these things. Whether is affects them long term or not, we won't really ever know.

and older kids say "why don't you work" "what do you do all day" "why are you so lazy" "your not using your education" "how hard is it to make a healthy dinner" "ugh Larla's mom is on the field trip today AGAIN" "Hey, Larla, mommy's at school today, maybe she will sit with you at lunch" "Hey Larla, glad your mom did your science project for you looks great"

kids say all kinds of stupid things.

It's when adults like you say them that you seem so pathetic.

My husband and I were both raised by SAHP and have nothing but the utmost respect for who and what they are and how they have contributed to our lives.

Seeing my mom raise 3 kids and volunteer the last word I ever thought was "lazy".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's all fun and games until breadwinner DH wants a younger, perkier wife.

Thanks to staying home I'm in the best shape of my life at 40. Maybe you're prematurely ageying from trying to juggle ft work and kids- but I look fantastic

Who watches the kids while you work out? Because I work, I can exercise frequently because I have full time childcare.

What is "ageing"?

So you work ft then leave your kids "frequently" to work out? When do you see them, dear?

Not that poster, but some of us have flexible jobs. You know, because we're senior and respected at the office. Something you wouldn't fathom.

Of course. You are super high powered, earn a ton, are passionate about your job and have total flexibility to work out/golf/play tennis and vacation whenever. I totally believe you. You sound just like all WOH I know. Totally.

I'm medium powered, eh about my job, but yeah, I generally can spend 3 hours a week during the work day exercising. I've never been told I couldn't take a vacation when planned. How many WOHMs with 20+ years of work experience do you know?

3 whole hours a week! You must be super fit. I'd rather be in love with my life at home then eh about my mediocre job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Please don't resent my husband, even though he has a wife with her own career and life, and mutually agreed on great childcare with her. Our kids are too old now for childcare, and I'm so glad I didn't waste my potential SAH. And we have millions, too, so no, we didn't continue working just for the money. Kids do not need parental care 24/7 to be "optimized" as people; I do not at all agree that sharing childcare with paid caregivers is "clearly a step down."

I'm the original previous poster you're quoting -- of course "[k]ids do not need parental care 24/7 to be 'optimized' as people." That is a straw man. But if you are working a full time job, we are talking about putting little kids -- babies even -- in the care of someone else during the vast majority of their waking hours. That is not "sharing childcare with paid caregivers." That is having someone else -- a stranger -- raise your children. And in my observation, that stranger typically doesn't love your child as much as a parent, and is not as well educated or thoughtful. If you believe that that is as good as having a parent raise the child, you are either delusional or have little confidence if the abilities of the parents to raise children.

And in light of that, to brag about the fact that you worked and had your children raised by others despite "hav[ing] millions," seems particularly selfish. But that is your decision to make, obviously.

So it's okay for you, as a man with a SAHW, to pursue career and other personal goals for 40+ hours a week, because your spouse is the caregiver? That's how you satisfy yourself that your kids don't need more of you?

I am also guessing your 3 children are young. My youngest is 14, and so I can see how my relationship with them is going to turn out, or glimmers of it. Despite using 50 hours a week of paid childcare for more than 8 consecutive years, my kids are turning into fabulous people with good interpersonal relationships.

I'd be happy to spend more time with my kids and my wife. One of us has to work though, and we chose me. Obviously, if my wife worked full time outside of the house, we would barely have any parent time with the kids. Given how little time kids are awake and engaged at a young age, it seems crazy to have the vast majority of that time go to daycare workers, nannies, whatever. That just seems wrong to me, but if your kids are "fabulous people," then I guess it worked out just fine for you.

So in other words it's okay that you barely have any parent time with your kids, since your wife has a lot of time with them?

I think it's better than both parents having limited time with the kids.

We'll just have to disagree then. It's much more important to us that our children have some time daily with both parents than a lot of time with one parent and much less with another. Once your kids are all middle school aged or older, this is all irrelevant any way. The 0 to 5 years are a blip on the parenting radar.

I think you are confused. You must be assuming that because my wife doesn't work, I see my kids less than if she did work. If so, that's a faulty assumption. I would guess I see my kids an average of 10-15 hours per work week (Mon-Fri). That number probably wouldn't go up if my wife worked. All that would mean is that my wife would see the kids much less.

And 0 to 5 years may be a "blip on the parenting radar" if you barely see your kids because you're working full time, but it is not a blip on the kids' radar. It is the foundation for their whole lives and pretty damn important to overall child development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's all fun and games until breadwinner DH wants a younger, perkier wife.

Thanks to staying home I'm in the best shape of my life at 40. Maybe you're prematurely ageying from trying to juggle ft work and kids- but I look fantastic

Who watches the kids while you work out? Because I work, I can exercise frequently because I have full time childcare.

What is "ageing"?

So you work ft then leave your kids "frequently" to work out? When do you see them, dear?

Not that poster, but some of us have flexible jobs. You know, because we're senior and respected at the office. Something you wouldn't fathom.

Of course. You are super high powered, earn a ton, are passionate about your job and have total flexibility to work out/golf/play tennis and vacation whenever. I totally believe you. You sound just like all WOH I know. Totally.

I'm medium powered, eh about my job, but yeah, I generally can spend 3 hours a week during the work day exercising. I've never been told I couldn't take a vacation when planned. How many WOHMs with 20+ years of work experience do you know?

3 whole hours a week! You must be super fit. I'd rather be in love with my life at home then eh about my mediocre job.

Luckily my life is much more than my job, and I don't have to be financially dependent on anyone either I work out more than 3 hours a week (you know, I do get weekends and before and after work time also). This will blow you away - sometimes I exercise WITH my kids, and I don't mean pushing them in the jogging stroller.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Please don't resent my husband, even though he has a wife with her own career and life, and mutually agreed on great childcare with her. Our kids are too old now for childcare, and I'm so glad I didn't waste my potential SAH. And we have millions, too, so no, we didn't continue working just for the money. Kids do not need parental care 24/7 to be "optimized" as people; I do not at all agree that sharing childcare with paid caregivers is "clearly a step down."

I'm the original previous poster you're quoting -- of course "[k]ids do not need parental care 24/7 to be 'optimized' as people." That is a straw man. But if you are working a full time job, we are talking about putting little kids -- babies even -- in the care of someone else during the vast majority of their waking hours. That is not "sharing childcare with paid caregivers." That is having someone else -- a stranger -- raise your children. And in my observation, that stranger typically doesn't love your child as much as a parent, and is not as well educated or thoughtful. If you believe that that is as good as having a parent raise the child, you are either delusional or have little confidence if the abilities of the parents to raise children.

And in light of that, to brag about the fact that you worked and had your children raised by others despite "hav[ing] millions," seems particularly selfish. But that is your decision to make, obviously.

So it's okay for you, as a man with a SAHW, to pursue career and other personal goals for 40+ hours a week, because your spouse is the caregiver? That's how you satisfy yourself that your kids don't need more of you?

I am also guessing your 3 children are young. My youngest is 14, and so I can see how my relationship with them is going to turn out, or glimmers of it. Despite using 50 hours a week of paid childcare for more than 8 consecutive years, my kids are turning into fabulous people with good interpersonal relationships.

I'd be happy to spend more time with my kids and my wife. One of us has to work though, and we chose me. Obviously, if my wife worked full time outside of the house, we would barely have any parent time with the kids. Given how little time kids are awake and engaged at a young age, it seems crazy to have the vast majority of that time go to daycare workers, nannies, whatever. That just seems wrong to me, but if your kids are "fabulous people," then I guess it worked out just fine for you.

So in other words it's okay that you barely have any parent time with your kids, since your wife has a lot of time with them?

I think it's better than both parents having limited time with the kids.

We'll just have to disagree then. It's much more important to us that our children have some time daily with both parents than a lot of time with one parent and much less with another. Once your kids are all middle school aged or older, this is all irrelevant any way. The 0 to 5 years are a blip on the parenting radar.

I think you are confused. You must be assuming that because my wife doesn't work, I see my kids less than if she did work. If so, that's a faulty assumption. I would guess I see my kids an average of 10-15 hours per work week (Mon-Fri). That number probably wouldn't go up if my wife worked. All that would mean is that my wife would see the kids much less.

And 0 to 5 years may be a "blip on the parenting radar" if you barely see your kids because you're working full time, but it is not a blip on the kids' radar. It is the foundation for their whole lives and pretty damn important to overall child development.

Why would you not take more leave from your job to cover kid things (doctor, dentist, field trips, etc.) if your wife also worked? I assume she handles 100% because she's AH.

Forgive me for not kneeling at the "must have a SAHP from 0-5" altar. Dual WOHPs can provide a foundation just as important and stable as a SAHP/WOHP family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I'm sure kids are appreciative of having a parent dedicated to the home and their needs. But my kids are proud of having a mom who is accomplished outside of the home and are happy to have a nice home jointly run by mom and dad. Whatever works for your family!

+1

I hear kids at preschool all of the time asking their nannies or caregivers "why can't mommy pick me up?" or "why does mommy have to work?" or the worst, when another child asked me "why don't I have a mom on the field trip?" Kids notice these things. Whether is affects them long term or not, we won't really ever know.

So your kid is at preschool and you hear other kids saying these things? My child is at preschool and I have never heard any child say these things. Because their moms and dads who WOH do participate in volunteer activities and go on field trips. I call BS.

[Anonymous]

^^and it isn't it nice that they don't see this as solely mom's job? Because we live in the 21st century, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Here is what I don't understand.

1st... the question was for parents with kids in school
2nd... you are thankful the kids are raised by your wife not somebody else... less educated... what about teachers, teachers aids, etc... is that okay or is she going to homeschool. I have never seen a local daycare without workers that have years of experience or a college education.
3rd... what if the house was not clean, she did not cook and she had depression... then what would you do?
4th... i get that you don't want to have any responsibilities at home, that makes it easy on you, if she wanted to go back would you take on 1/2 the household duties or would you say... go for it but it is up to you to take care of these things since you are not interested
5th... how many hours a day do you see your kids, what time do you get home and what time do they go to bed... does bonding with them disinterest you? Do you think an hour here or there is enough?

1. no, that was not the quest

2. I think kids needs change over time, but I do believe that in the early years, kids spend too much time at school. But no, we aren't home schooling.

3. Get her the help she needs.

4. I wouldn't expect that she'd do all the household work in addition to working full time. That's crazy.

5. I don't see my kids that much -- about an hour or two in the morning and an hour or two at night, depending on the day. I'd like to spend more time with them during the week, but it's just not possible with a full time work schedule. I'm thankful that they have more time with their mom.

1. Sorry, got threads confused.
2. Your kids will not go to preschool? No homeschooling?.... so you are okay with other people with lesser education levels than your family raising your kids once they turn 5 but not before? You are okay that at 5 they get their morals from somebody that has a low level education from a 3rd tier state school?
3. Easier said than done, but that is a nice thought.
4. That is nice, you would fully support doing 1/2 the work and working full time. BTW it is not the crazy. Millions of people do it.
5. I don't think anybody in our family would be happy hardly being a part of their children's family. It will make divorce easier if it every happens, what's the difference... you might actually see your kids more in a divorce situation.

1. no problem

2. They do not go to preschool anymore because it is a waste of time (and money, frankly). But as I said, I would love if early elementary school years had shorter days, but that just isn't the case anymore. (It was when I was a kid.) I'm not thrilled about it, but at least I feel like my kids got a good foundation. And at least they are at home with a parent before and after school.

3. I'm sure it is easier said than done. Depression is certainly hard on a whole family. I've seen it play out, and count myself as lucky we don't have any serious issues like that.

4. I meant that it is crazy that someone would expect a spouse who works full time to also do everything at home. I realize that many do it.

5. Not sure I follow

[Anonymous]

I'm financially independent. And I'm just using your own words about your exercise life. You were the one who replied about 3 hours in response to "with working ft then exercising a lot when do you see your offspring?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's all fun and games until breadwinner DH wants a younger, perkier wife.

Happens a lot with you guys? Awww...never heard of it in my group of friends. Sorry you married assholes who earn less. I am sure it all evens out because you are ugly too?

^^the retort of someone who hasn't matured much due to the lack of interesting and engaging activities outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why would you not take more leave from your job to cover kid things (doctor, dentist, field trips, etc.) if your wife also worked? I assume she handles 100% because she's AH.

Forgive me for not kneeling at the "must have a SAHP from 0-5" altar. Dual WOHPs can provide a foundation just as important and stable as a SAHP/WOHP family.

I do take leave some times for various child-related things, but I suppose you are right that it is not as much as my wife. It seems crazy though to think that little kids would prefer a more "even" split of times like that if it means having both parents gone almost all the time.

And I'm not expecting you to kneel at any altar. I was just expressing my opinion that one model is superior to another. You disagree. That's fine. Most of the debate came in response to allegations about racism or elitism, and I think that is just defensiveness.