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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'll be honest, I didn't read EVERY page but I read the last 5 and the original post.  I came on here to actually post a sort of similar issue did a brief search and found this post.

I also do the bulk of the emotional labor in my family earn more than my husband and have way better benefits (because I HAD to find a better job to support my family and better time off as the fallout when I worked weekends was too great).  I am CONSTANTLY stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed.  My current job has decent pay and great benefits/time off but is very demanding and requires very strong time management and organizational skills and couple that with managing ALL the things for my 2 kids who are now in elementary school...I found myself becoming deeply overwhelmed and seeking out psychiatric help as I felt like I was failing at life.  Turns out, I have pretty severe ADHD and anxiety (I was diagnosed with ADHD as a small child but things were different in the 90s and if you could show that you could compensate with sheer effort and keep up grades, you apparently didn't have it...of course, I couldn't maintain it as I was constantly burnt out and not understanding why I couldn't maintain that level of effort and success).

I thought for YEARS that my husband was the one who had ADHD because he simply does not complete tasks it took 10 years and I threatened to leave him, but he did get evaluated and it was inconclusive.  The more I have learned about ADHD, the more I have realized that he does not fit the profile of someone with ADHD but still somehow can't organize and doesn't think about basic things with the kids.  He's depressed and on a low dose of Ritalin but it still isn't enough and he refuses to get counseling or work with a coach.

So would it honestly make much difference if you were the one with ADHD vs. him? Probably not.  I've heard the stories of women who just find themselves drowning and still doing it all.  I feel like while yes, there is certainly a psychiatric and psychological piece to this, their behavior is one piece of our patriarchal system.

I can't tell you how many times I've been told to "just don't do the task and wait to see how he struggles and picks up it up".....my husband won't do it or if he does it, it is such a poor job that it's not worth it (dinner taking 2+ hours so we don't eat until nearly 8 pm and includes only a meat, screaming/snapping at the kids in the morning to get them dressed and forget about dressing them nicely, putting clothes in the wash but leaving some out and making a mess of the laundry room, washing some dishes once nothing is left and flies are swarming but not washing them all).

The reality is that he needs to take responsibility for his own behavior and get help to manage his symptoms.  It's not up to you to help pick up all that slack for him.  It's also not my job to pick up the slack for my incompetent husband who often weaponizes his incompetence.  My personal reality is that I'm looking for a counselor for myself and part of that is to explore what my next steps will look like and consider leaving him.  You can't control other people but you can take control of your own choices and perhaps getting a counselor for yourself to explore all of this would be helpful for you too.[/quote]

It sounds like your husband could use a different counselor/doctor to assess his issues. Even though someone found it inconclusive, he could still have some sort of issue that is making it difficult for him to accomplish tasks. Certainly, it is up to him ultimately to solve the problem, but it might be something that a professional could help sort out. The fact that he's depressed might be because of his struggles, or it might lead to struggles. There are other medications that can help with a depression/adhd combination.  [/quote]

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