How to get beyond the utter loneliness and depression

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure which category to put this in. So I started here.

I'm divorced two years and left my husband three years ago. He was a cheating bipolar/bpd asshole who had me and my kids on eggshells.

Most of my 'friends' got scared away shortly thereafter. Afraid of catching the divorce bug, I guess.

I have two young kids who keep me pretty distracted, but there are many nights and every other weekend when the loneliness and depression sets in. I haven't dated since and havent had any bites at that. I've joined mertups and tried other things to try and meet people, but with little success. I even tried OKC, but my profile must have sounded really bad because I didn't really receive anything there...which
Didn't help my self esteem.

I'm just out of ideas on how to get beyond the feelings I have. I wish I had a best friend to chat with but don't even have that. Not really close to my mom and my brother is too busy recovering from being an alcoholic to have time to deal with me.

Ive tried antidepressants in the past as well as therapy and I'm not sure they've been helpful. I am an introvert so it is really hard to put my feelings into words and have never been really comfortable with a shrink so far...

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry op.

That sounds awful.

Yeah, people were afraid of catching the "divorce bug" after my mom got divorced too.

Maybe you could try a nice church? Honestly, I don't even like my church that much, but I have made a lot of good friends from going there and it gives us some social activities.

And there's always DCUM to chat with other insomniacs. LOL.

[Anonymous]

OP... I really think it's important to work with a counselor. They don't have to be the be-all end-all, as long as you can trust them. Just have someone you see every week who can help you figure out how to reach your goals. It sounds as though a little cognitive behavioral work could help you move forward and make some choices that will get you more of what you need.

It may also help to just choose a decent group of people and keep. going. Sometimes it just takes time and familiarity to get over those barriers, and then one day you realize you've spent a few nights that week with friends and you're looking forward to a little introvert recharge time.

There's also a book about the power of introversion - not sure of the title, but there's a woman on the cover and it's fairly recent. Check the library. Lots of strategies for reaching the right balance and cultivating the sorts of people who will suit you best.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a single dad who was in a bit of a downward spiral when my marriage ended. My advice is to do something like the Sierra Club where people are pretty laid back and its good exercise. I also joined a bookclub because I wanted some intellectual stimulation. Finally, I never went out with the intention of looking for someone. Instead my focus was on expanding my social circle and if a woman came along where we both wanted to learn more about each other, I was open to the possibility.

[Anonymous]

Are you at all interested in religion? I felt lost for a period of time then found a terrific "alive" church with great groups for children of all ages, singles, couples, etc. So much is going on in that church that one could do something new there everyday. Also, doing some charity work will make you feel better.

[Anonymous]

Keep trying OP. Keep putting yourself out there. You've only been divorced, from a marriage that sounded really, really damaging, for two years. You are still healing. Just keep going. Take care of yourself as best you can. I like the Sierra Club suggestion, or some fitness related activity. It takes time to meet people and establish relationships. Don't give up!

[Anonymous]

I'm too damaged from my former marriage to even think about "getting back out there." I keep busy with projects and enjoy my children. I enjoy being more available to them. I'm re-doing parts of the house and just turned the basement into a family room. (Erasing ex-husband from the space we call home.) I built a wardrobe not controlled by my ex-husband. I do have a small network of girlfriends who I keep in touch with. Can you reach beyond your circle of "marrieds" and find college buddies or colleagues? Definitely get thee to a therapist. It'll help you build the confidence you need to attract new, fun, interesting people into your life.

This is a passing phase, not the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

One thing that might help is meeting friends through the kids. I'm married but two of my best friends are single moms I met through my kids when the kids were little. One I met at a place like Little Gym and another at a similar activity. We talked while the kids played and that led to coffee then lunch then just getting together.

[Anonymous]

I think going back and looking at patterns in your life and relationships would be helpful before venturing into a new relationship. You have quite a bit going on with your family and past husband that you wouldn't want to repeat. Work on yourself first then you will be healthy and ready for love to happen.

I also agree with the PP that you need to find things you like to do and do them without trying to find someone else. Have patience. Work on yourself. Then love can find you.

[Anonymous]

OP, oddly enough, I'm here for about the same reason. Kids are with their dad and I'm so fucking bored and lonely I don't know what to do. I even started my own meetup for single parents almost a year ago, and while I've met people that way, I have come away with any solid friendships -- we're all just so busy.

I'd be happy to commiserate with you - and even though this sounds weird - feel free to email me at [e-mail].

[Anonymous]

To help with the busyness, look for social opportunities that would make your life easier, and share those with others.

I restarted my social life in a new city through a weekly potluck. The kids entertain each other, adults rotate keeping an eye on them, and the rest of us drink more red wine than strictly necessary. Acquaintances started here turned into friendships and some of those into close ones. For single parents, a dinner club arrangement can work well - two or more families who alternate making dinner for everyone and hanging out. I have one family here with whom I alternate picking the kids up, starting homework and making dinner. The "off" parent gets a little me-time, or can have a drink with someone else, and then has dinner and a chat waiting.

Even introverts need to get out of the house. Sit down with the paper and look for moments of beauty, of chaos, things that seems like they might be comfortable, things that seem unfamiliar. Go to lots of different kinds of events, events that seem weird or boring or not your thing at all. Go to different churches, even if you're not religious. What I'm talking about here is reintroducing yourself to humanity. Go hiking, volunteer, join a garden; explore your loneliness and perhaps you can make it into skill at being alone. Read transporting books in public. Make the most of the time you have, even if you would rather be with someone. Fill your cup to brimming, so you have something to share.

Find someone to help with OKC. Some people just suck at describing themselves in a way that will speak to the kind of people who will appreciate them.

But really - REALLY - please get back into counseling. You need one ally in your corner at all times. It makes a difference. Do it. Eventually you might not need it, but let that happen when it happens.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and wear something every day that's a conversation-starter. I have a beautiful piece of jewelry that has opened many a conversational door, with both men and women. Make it easier for others to approach you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm too damaged from my former marriage to even think about "getting back out there." I keep busy with projects and enjoy my children. I enjoy being more available to them. I'm re-doing parts of the house and just turned the basement into a family room. (Erasing ex-husband from the space we call home.) I built a wardrobe not controlled by my ex-husband. I do have a small network of girlfriends who I keep in touch with. Can you reach beyond your circle of "marrieds" and find college buddies or colleagues? Definitely get thee to a therapist. It'll help you build the confidence you need to attract new, fun, interesting people into your life.

This is a passing phase, not the rest of your life.

I didn't mean "get back out there" in the dating world. I meant doing what you are doing, being involved in projects, meeting new friends, colleagues, etc. I wasn't telling her to get a man so no need for the quotes.

[Anonymous]

I think that loneliness is so abhorrent. To sit in ones home longing for someone to call to say hello. To care whether or not your exustince is valid is a truly awful feeling

[Anonymous]

I will pray for you OP.
You are not alone. Others offered sound advice which I hope you will consider.
Heartbreak is a lonely thing.