How to get beyond the utter loneliness and depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a single dad who was in a bit of a downward spiral when my marriage ended. My advice is to do something like the Sierra Club where people are pretty laid back and its good exercise. I also joined a bookclub because I wanted some intellectual stimulation. Finally, I never went out with the intention of looking for someone. Instead my focus was on expanding my social circle and if a woman came along where we both wanted to learn more about each other, I was open to the possibility.

This. Everybody has periods of loneliness. The key is to get out of your house and away from your computer and expand your social circle, not look for someone to get involved with. A good male friend with a sympathetic ear but be a good place to start - not all of us are looking for a dating or sex situation.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP - I've gone through loneliness issues as well - and it's been about a year and a half since my divorce. My advice is to keep busy, get out there -and exercise is a great way to feel great and look great ... Consider training for a 10k, or go to the gym regularly.... and do something to improve yourself to make yourself look/feel better.... for me it was hair extensions! A whole different look! And some shopping at Forever 21 to update my wardrobe with fun youthful looking stuff... I also have 2 kids... and try to fill your own life with activity and people will come.... Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Are you a person of faith? I know several who have benefited from this church-based program:

Find help and healing for the hurt of separation and divorce

DivorceCare is a friendly, caring group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life’s most difficult experiences. Don’t go through separation or divorce alone.

http://www.divorcecare.org/

[Anonymous]

I know yoi said you are not comfortable with a therapist. I suggest getting over that. You need to get in with someone asap.

[Anonymous]

Tim Miller: I'm 35. I've literally been alone my entire adult life. It's so brutal I wish I where dead. I'm a virgin, I've never been on a date. The loneliness is killing me. I a very nice person but that doesn't seem to matter.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure which category to put this in. So I started here.

I'm divorced two years and left my husband three years ago. He was a cheating bipolar/bpd asshole who had me and my kids on eggshells.

Most of my 'friends' got scared away shortly thereafter. Afraid of catching the divorce bug, I guess.

I have two young kids who keep me pretty distracted, but there are many nights and every other weekend when the loneliness and depression sets in. I haven't dated since and havent had any bites at that. I've joined mertups and tried other things to try and meet people, but with little success. I even tried OKC, but my profile must have sounded really bad because I didn't really receive anything there...which
Didn't help my self esteem.

I'm just out of ideas on how to get beyond the feelings I have. I wish I had a best friend to chat with but don't even have that. Not really close to my mom and my brother is too busy recovering from being an alcoholic to have time to deal with me.

Ive tried antidepressants in the past as well as therapy and I'm not sure they've been helpful. I am an introvert so it is really hard to put my feelings into words and have never been really comfortable with a shrink so far...

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you at all interested in religion? I felt lost for a period of time then found a terrific "alive" church with great groups for children of all ages, singles, couples, etc. So much is going on in that church that one could do something new there everyday. Also, doing some charity work will make you feel better.

Not OP. What denomination?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To help with the busyness, look for social opportunities that would make your life easier, and share those with others.

I restarted my social life in a new city through a weekly potluck. The kids entertain each other, adults rotate keeping an eye on them, and the rest of us drink more red wine than strictly necessary. Acquaintances started here turned into friendships and some of those into close ones. For single parents, a dinner club arrangement can work well - two or more families who alternate making dinner for everyone and hanging out. I have one family here with whom I alternate picking the kids up, starting homework and making dinner. The "off" parent gets a little me-time, or can have a drink with someone else, and then has dinner and a chat waiting.

Even introverts need to get out of the house. Sit down with the paper and look for moments of beauty, of chaos, things that seems like they might be comfortable, things that seem unfamiliar. Go to lots of different kinds of events, events that seem weird or boring or not your thing at all. Go to different churches, even if you're not religious. What I'm talking about here is reintroducing yourself to humanity. Go hiking, volunteer, join a garden; explore your loneliness and perhaps you can make it into skill at being alone. Read transporting books in public. Make the most of the time you have, even if you would rather be with someone. Fill your cup to brimming, so you have something to share.

Find someone to help with OKC. Some people just suck at describing themselves in a way that will speak to the kind of people who will appreciate them.

But really - REALLY - please get back into counseling. You need one ally in your corner at all times. It makes a difference. Do it. Eventually you might not need it, but let that happen when it happens.

Great, helpful post!

[Anonymous]

Op, sending love your way. There is a reason that statistically divorce is one of the hardest things you can go through. I've been somewhat in your shoes . . . And am doing great now. There is light at the end of the tunnel. The pp's advice about religion and/or exercise is good.

Also, focus on loving and adoring your kids. To the right mate (or friend) that is really attractive.

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Please watch. It is true.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0jXyq__-XOo

[Anonymous]

Tim, you need to follow the same advice that OP is getting. You must get out there and join social groups as much as you can! Do something different. Find new hobbies that lead to connecting with others such as joining a mountain bike club or an art class. Keep yourself busy!

[Anonymous]

Tim Miller: I'm a 35 year old virgin. I've never even been on a date. I'm so lonely I want to die. I wish so much I had one woman in my life, to love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tim Miller: I'm a 35 year old virgin. I've never even been on a date. I'm so lonely I want to die. I wish so much I had one woman in my life, to love. If I could absorb all the suffering from all the living creatures on this planet, I would. I know to well how bad it feels.

[Anonymous]

Thanks but I can't. I never got my driver license either and I can't get that because I don't have a birth certificate. I'm also antisocial.

[Anonymous]

Tim: I wish so much I was never born!

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP.

I don't know what to say, but I wish I knew you. I'd love to hang out. I bet there are a lot of people in your life who would, but don't know how or whether you'd be interested.