The helicopter parents won - a look back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP's original post, I have the exact same feeling. I had no idea that only doing swim 2 days a week and summer meant my child would never make the high school team (which is apparently reserved for future Olympians). Similarly so many other doors are closed because I was afraid of being a tiger mom or pushing too hard or whatever. But those kids are all excelling and playing on teams and taking advanced courses. I don't think the problem is that we didn't push (I don't actually think that's good for kids) so much as that our system rewards that kind of parenting.

Why does your kid need to be on the high school swim team? Is the real problem that there aren’t rec teams that kids can be on to enjoy swimming? Or do you feel like you need HS swimming on your kid’s resume for college apps?

Because it is really fun/lifetime memories playing on a high school team - and unfortunate if you can’t experience that (if you want to)

You can also form memories playing on a rec team. The reality is not everyone makes the HS team. My husband would have loved to play basketball in high school, but he is short. Thems the breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted once about my friend who was pushing her daughters to play travel when her kids didn’t even want to go to rec. The parents themselves are not very athletic but wanted their kids to be athletes. Kids got cut from travel teams in elementary. You can push all you want but if your kid doesn’t like it or want to do it, s/he will not excel.

But it takes both. If the super talented kid doesn't have a ride to the tournament or practice, he's not going to get far.

This is true. I posted above that my kid likes basketball. It isn’t like in the movies where some kid just plays street ball and becomes some NBA player. Maybe this can happen somewhere with some 7 ft talented basketball kid who somehow manages to train himself.

From what I see, the talented players often have a parent or parents who were athletes themselves. They may have been high school, college or pro but the parents were some type of athlete. These kids start early. They may do some switching of sports but they all play sports from young ages. By the time they are 10-12, they are already on competitive teams whether it is basketball, soccer, tennis, baseball or lacrosse. The days of just walking on a team in high school are gone.

To use Simone Biles as an example (because my daughter is into gymnastics) her family was deep in debt before the Olympics, behind on their gym fees. A lot of families can't or won't take a second mortgage to let their kids fulfill their fantasies. It's not just raw talent. It's very much pay to play.

Absolutely. I just posted above that my kid plays tennis. He is athletic but we have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on tennis. I know tennis is an expensive sport.

My friend has a daughter who is really good at gymnastics. I know they have to travel often for tournaments. Even without the training and gym costs, just the time and money to travel to these meets and tournaments will cost you thousands. You need parents with the time, money and dedication to do this.

I recently saw that tiger woods’ parents had to take a second mortgage to support his golf playing. It sure paid off.

Except for Tiger Woods' pain/medical conditions, his womanizing that broke up his nuclear family, and his risk-taking behaviors. All related to his exceptional career. He is a great athlete but also seems like a very troubled person.

Many people, not in sports, average people have affairs, medical issues and much more. One has nothing to do with the other.

PP. Disagree. His career gave him overuse injuries, made him an attractive affair/extortion target, his auto accident was in an unfamiliar high performance car loaned by the automotive company he was endorsing. Of course ordinary people have problems, but his sports capabilities also seem to have enabled most of his dysfunctional behavior.

The car was a fancy Hyundai. The car wasn’t the issue with the crash.

He was driving his sponsor's Genesis Invitational car (a car he was not used to driving because it was not his) around the time of a tournament. I don't know what kind of car snob you are, but Genesis is Hyundai's luxury brand. My point is, if he wasn't a star athlete, he wouldn't be driving this car. If he were a Hyundai employee, he might have been able to get the accident ruled work-related if he wrecked on the way to work in the company's loaned car.

Plus, it's likely that his unfamiliarity with the car caused the wreck.

https://www.motortrend.com/features/tiger-woods-crash-investigation/

My point stands. But this is off-topic. So let's quit it.

He was speeding and they declined to do blood tests. So, that says a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP's original post, I have the exact same feeling. I had no idea that only doing swim 2 days a week and summer meant my child would never make the high school team (which is apparently reserved for future Olympians). Similarly so many other doors are closed because I was afraid of being a tiger mom or pushing too hard or whatever. But those kids are all excelling and playing on teams and taking advanced courses. I don't think the problem is that we didn't push (I don't actually think that's good for kids) so much as that our system rewards that kind of parenting.

Why does your kid need to be on the high school swim team? Is the real problem that there aren’t rec teams that kids can be on to enjoy swimming? Or do you feel like you need HS swimming on your kid’s resume for college apps?

Because it is really fun/lifetime memories playing on a high school team - and unfortunate if you can’t experience that (if you want to)

You can also form memories playing on a rec team. The reality is not everyone makes the HS team. My husband would have loved to play basketball in high school, but he is short. Thems the breaks.

I’m sure that would look great on your college application.

My kid is playing rec basketball in 7th and the remaining kids are all pretty bad. All the good kids have moved on to travel and AAU. Now my kid is trying out for the higher level teams as well.

My other son played rec soccer his entire life. By 7th, the good kids all played travel. Many kids stopped soccer to focus on their other sports. His 7th grade rec soccer team was so bad. DS said his team was full of unathletic kids their parents forced to sign up for a sport. He stopped playing soccer after that season.

[Anonymous]

All these people saying playing just for fun have kids ages 8 and under.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these people saying playing just for fun have kids ages 8 and under.

I promise you that's not true

[Anonymous]

This is why we are sending to private school. There is plenty of place for everyone decent on the athletic teams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these people saying playing just for fun have kids ages 8 and under.

I promise you that's not true

Fine. 12 and under.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these people saying playing just for fun have kids ages 8 and under.

I promise you that's not true

Fine. 12 and under.

So does that mean if you're a kid over the age or 8 or 12 you're not allowed to play anything for fun anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sending my youngest to college next year. He got into a good school early addmission and all of my kids did well. But as I look back on this parenting experience it occurs to me that the kids with the fanaticaly involved parents did the best - academically and athletically.

When the kids were in early elementary school, I remember shaking my head as my fellow parents talked about advanced math tutoring for their kindergartener or plotting to get their second grader on the most competitive travel team. At the time it seemed so silly to chart out the life of a kid who still needed naps. However, looking at those kids now - those are the kids who are going on to play sports at top colleges.

My takeaway is that even if you are a committed free range parent - your kid is in a competitive environment competing for scarce opportunities to go to top schools and play for competitive school teams.

I’m not unhappy about how my kids turned out or their experience in high School. But I don’t think I realized the the decision not to push advanced math in grade school meant a diminished opportunity to go to Tech or UMD. I definitely didn’t realize that only doing town baseball (and not travel) meant that they wouldn’t make the highschool team.

It not like my kids were slouches. They played on at least one rec team every season. Swim team in the summer and got good grades and scores on standardized tests.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve pushed harder our results would’ve been much better.

Your perspective seems terribly naive and black and white, OP. Life is not all about dictating sports and academics, with a tutor for each subject, each, day, or nothing. There is such a thing as too much.

The parent's job is not to choose a major and subject for their child, but to find out what the child is good at, and go from there. Yes, they need activities, but they also need a healthy balance, and that depends on each kid.

Naturally smart kids do not need tutors each day for each subject, nor do naturally athletic kids need training 24/7 for their sport.

Do they need the mindset, talent, and to be committed? Of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sending my youngest to college next year. He got into a good school early addmission and all of my kids did well. But as I look back on this parenting experience it occurs to me that the kids with the fanaticaly involved parents did the best - academically and athletically.

When the kids were in early elementary school, I remember shaking my head as my fellow parents talked about advanced math tutoring for their kindergartener or plotting to get their second grader on the most competitive travel team. At the time it seemed so silly to chart out the life of a kid who still needed naps. However, looking at those kids now - those are the kids who are going on to play sports at top colleges.

My takeaway is that even if you are a committed free range parent - your kid is in a competitive environment competing for scarce opportunities to go to top schools and play for competitive school teams.

I’m not unhappy about how my kids turned out or their experience in high School. But I don’t think I realized the the decision not to push advanced math in grade school meant a diminished opportunity to go to Tech or UMD. I definitely didn’t realize that only doing town baseball (and not travel) meant that they wouldn’t make the highschool team.

It not like my kids were slouches. They played on at least one rec team every season. Swim team in the summer and got good grades and scores on standardized tests.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve pushed harder our results would’ve been much better.

Your perspective seems terribly naive and black and white, OP. Life is not all about dictating sports and academics, with a tutor for each subject, each, day, or nothing. There is such a thing as too much.

The parent's job is not to choose a major and subject for their child, but to find out what the child is good at, and go from there. Yes, they need activities, but they also need a healthy balance, and that depends on each kid.

Naturally smart kids do not need tutors each day for each subject, nor do naturally athletic kids need training 24/7 for their sport.

Do they need the mindset, talent, and to be committed? Of course.

What a dumb and naive take yourself. Nobody is tutoring every day for every subject or training 24/7. What are you actually trying to say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sending my youngest to college next year. He got into a good school early addmission and all of my kids did well. But as I look back on this parenting experience it occurs to me that the kids with the fanaticaly involved parents did the best - academically and athletically.

When the kids were in early elementary school, I remember shaking my head as my fellow parents talked about advanced math tutoring for their kindergartener or plotting to get their second grader on the most competitive travel team. At the time it seemed so silly to chart out the life of a kid who still needed naps. However, looking at those kids now - those are the kids who are going on to play sports at top colleges.

My takeaway is that even if you are a committed free range parent - your kid is in a competitive environment competing for scarce opportunities to go to top schools and play for competitive school teams.

I’m not unhappy about how my kids turned out or their experience in high School. But I don’t think I realized the the decision not to push advanced math in grade school meant a diminished opportunity to go to Tech or UMD. I definitely didn’t realize that only doing town baseball (and not travel) meant that they wouldn’t make the highschool team.

It not like my kids were slouches. They played on at least one rec team every season. Swim team in the summer and got good grades and scores on standardized tests.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve pushed harder our results would’ve been much better.

Your perspective seems terribly naive and black and white, OP. Life is not all about dictating sports and academics, with a tutor for each subject, each, day, or nothing. There is such a thing as too much.

The parent's job is not to choose a major and subject for their child, but to find out what the child is good at, and go from there. Yes, they need activities, but they also need a healthy balance, and that depends on each kid.

Naturally smart kids do not need tutors each day for each subject, nor do naturally athletic kids need training 24/7 for their sport.

Do they need the mindset, talent, and to be committed? Of course.

That is incredibly naive of you.

DH and I are high achievers. We went to HYP, have a seven figure income and our kids are also good/great at a lot of different areas and sports is one of them but only one. We do not expect them to become professional athletes. They may or may not be good enough to be recruited athletes for college. They may be able to walk on a team.

I don’t think you know what it takes to get into a competitive college these days.

Some people may be satisfied living MC lives with rec playing teenagers. Some of us want more for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sending my youngest to college next year. He got into a good school early addmission and all of my kids did well. But as I look back on this parenting experience it occurs to me that the kids with the fanaticaly involved parents did the best - academically and athletically.

When the kids were in early elementary school, I remember shaking my head as my fellow parents talked about advanced math tutoring for their kindergartener or plotting to get their second grader on the most competitive travel team. At the time it seemed so silly to chart out the life of a kid who still needed naps. However, looking at those kids now - those are the kids who are going on to play sports at top colleges.

My takeaway is that even if you are a committed free range parent - your kid is in a competitive environment competing for scarce opportunities to go to top schools and play for competitive school teams.

I’m not unhappy about how my kids turned out or their experience in high School. But I don’t think I realized the the decision not to push advanced math in grade school meant a diminished opportunity to go to Tech or UMD. I definitely didn’t realize that only doing town baseball (and not travel) meant that they wouldn’t make the highschool team.

It not like my kids were slouches. They played on at least one rec team every season. Swim team in the summer and got good grades and scores on standardized tests.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve pushed harder our results would’ve been much better.

Your perspective seems terribly naive and black and white, OP. Life is not all about dictating sports and academics, with a tutor for each subject, each, day, or nothing. There is such a thing as too much.

The parent's job is not to choose a major and subject for their child, but to find out what the child is good at, and go from there. Yes, they need activities, but they also need a healthy balance, and that depends on each kid.

Naturally smart kids do not need tutors each day for each subject, nor do naturally athletic kids need training 24/7 for their sport.

Do they need the mindset, talent, and to be committed? Of course.

What a dumb and naive take yourself. Nobody is tutoring every day for every subject or training 24/7. What are you actually trying to say?

Who has a tutor daily? No one I know does this.

I do think competitive athletes train almost daily. My kid plays 6 days per week but the next level would be homeschooling or attending one of those sports boarding schools. We are committed but not that committed to sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sending my youngest to college next year. He got into a good school early addmission and all of my kids did well. But as I look back on this parenting experience it occurs to me that the kids with the fanaticaly involved parents did the best - academically and athletically.

When the kids were in early elementary school, I remember shaking my head as my fellow parents talked about advanced math tutoring for their kindergartener or plotting to get their second grader on the most competitive travel team. At the time it seemed so silly to chart out the life of a kid who still needed naps. However, looking at those kids now - those are the kids who are going on to play sports at top colleges.

My takeaway is that even if you are a committed free range parent - your kid is in a competitive environment competing for scarce opportunities to go to top schools and play for competitive school teams.

I’m not unhappy about how my kids turned out or their experience in high School. But I don’t think I realized the the decision not to push advanced math in grade school meant a diminished opportunity to go to Tech or UMD. I definitely didn’t realize that only doing town baseball (and not travel) meant that they wouldn’t make the highschool team.

It not like my kids were slouches. They played on at least one rec team every season. Swim team in the summer and got good grades and scores on standardized tests.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve pushed harder our results would’ve been much better.

Your perspective seems terribly naive and black and white, OP. Life is not all about dictating sports and academics, with a tutor for each subject, each, day, or nothing. There is such a thing as too much.

The parent's job is not to choose a major and subject for their child, but to find out what the child is good at, and go from there. Yes, they need activities, but they also need a healthy balance, and that depends on each kid.

Naturally smart kids do not need tutors each day for each subject, nor do naturally athletic kids need training 24/7 for their sport.

Do they need the mindset, talent, and to be committed? Of course.

That is incredibly naive of you.

DH and I are high achievers. We went to HYP, have a seven figure income and our kids are also good/great at a lot of different areas and sports is one of them but only one. We do not expect them to become professional athletes. They may or may not be good enough to be recruited athletes for college. They may be able to walk on a team.

I don’t think you know what it takes to get into a competitive college these days.

Some people may be satisfied living MC lives with rec playing teenagers. Some of us want more for our kids.

And HYP and your high salary seem to have done little for your critical reasoning skills. Not a single person has posted about settling for mediocrity. It's about balance and what are you teaching your kids. If your kids don't get into HYP but are otherwise well adjusted will you consider them failures? If they get into HYP but struggle with anxiety or mental health issues or an inability to function without parental push, are they successful? We all want what's best for our kids, but there's a wide range of results that determine success and they hyperfocus on elite acceptance being the only successful outcome is damaging in many instances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sending my youngest to college next year. He got into a good school early addmission and all of my kids did well. But as I look back on this parenting experience it occurs to me that the kids with the fanaticaly involved parents did the best - academically and athletically.

When the kids were in early elementary school, I remember shaking my head as my fellow parents talked about advanced math tutoring for their kindergartener or plotting to get their second grader on the most competitive travel team. At the time it seemed so silly to chart out the life of a kid who still needed naps. However, looking at those kids now - those are the kids who are going on to play sports at top colleges.

My takeaway is that even if you are a committed free range parent - your kid is in a competitive environment competing for scarce opportunities to go to top schools and play for competitive school teams.

I’m not unhappy about how my kids turned out or their experience in high School. But I don’t think I realized the the decision not to push advanced math in grade school meant a diminished opportunity to go to Tech or UMD. I definitely didn’t realize that only doing town baseball (and not travel) meant that they wouldn’t make the highschool team.

It not like my kids were slouches. They played on at least one rec team every season. Swim team in the summer and got good grades and scores on standardized tests.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve pushed harder our results would’ve been much better.

Your perspective seems terribly naive and black and white, OP. Life is not all about dictating sports and academics, with a tutor for each subject, each, day, or nothing. There is such a thing as too much.

The parent's job is not to choose a major and subject for their child, but to find out what the child is good at, and go from there. Yes, they need activities, but they also need a healthy balance, and that depends on each kid.

Naturally smart kids do not need tutors each day for each subject, nor do naturally athletic kids need training 24/7 for their sport.

Do they need the mindset, talent, and to be committed? Of course.

What a dumb and naive take yourself. Nobody is tutoring every day for every subject or training 24/7. What are you actually trying to say?

Who has a tutor daily? No one I know does this.

I do think competitive athletes train almost daily. My kid plays 6 days per week but the next level would be homeschooling or attending one of those sports boarding schools. We are committed but not that committed to sports.

So they spend a few hours a day training, 6 days a week. There's still plenty of time for school, homework, and family. Kids don't often use their unstructured time well. If my son wasn't playing his sport he'd be playing video games. It's not that important to me that he have ample time or "balance" to play video games. He finds plenty of time to do this during the week, he doesn't need more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sending my youngest to college next year. He got into a good school early addmission and all of my kids did well. But as I look back on this parenting experience it occurs to me that the kids with the fanaticaly involved parents did the best - academically and athletically.

When the kids were in early elementary school, I remember shaking my head as my fellow parents talked about advanced math tutoring for their kindergartener or plotting to get their second grader on the most competitive travel team. At the time it seemed so silly to chart out the life of a kid who still needed naps. However, looking at those kids now - those are the kids who are going on to play sports at top colleges.

My takeaway is that even if you are a committed free range parent - your kid is in a competitive environment competing for scarce opportunities to go to top schools and play for competitive school teams.

I’m not unhappy about how my kids turned out or their experience in high School. But I don’t think I realized the the decision not to push advanced math in grade school meant a diminished opportunity to go to Tech or UMD. I definitely didn’t realize that only doing town baseball (and not travel) meant that they wouldn’t make the highschool team.

It not like my kids were slouches. They played on at least one rec team every season. Swim team in the summer and got good grades and scores on standardized tests.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve pushed harder our results would’ve been much better.

Your perspective seems terribly naive and black and white, OP. Life is not all about dictating sports and academics, with a tutor for each subject, each, day, or nothing. There is such a thing as too much.

The parent's job is not to choose a major and subject for their child, but to find out what the child is good at, and go from there. Yes, they need activities, but they also need a healthy balance, and that depends on each kid.

Naturally smart kids do not need tutors each day for each subject, nor do naturally athletic kids need training 24/7 for their sport.

Do they need the mindset, talent, and to be committed? Of course.

That is incredibly naive of you.

DH and I are high achievers. We went to HYP, have a seven figure income and our kids are also good/great at a lot of different areas and sports is one of them but only one. We do not expect them to become professional athletes. They may or may not be good enough to be recruited athletes for college. They may be able to walk on a team.

I don’t think you know what it takes to get into a competitive college these days.

Some people may be satisfied living MC lives with rec playing teenagers. Some of us want more for our kids.

So you are assuming that DH and I did not attend HYPS? Interesting!