Reply to If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done.  I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle.  My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving.  With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it.  It is really a terrible trauma to live through.  Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks.  Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs.  I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie.  I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.[/quote]

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids 
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter 
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman [/quote]

+1  I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman.  I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids.  It's an unusually brutal thing.[/quote]

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair. 
[/quote]
What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?[/quote]

NP. I don’t think cheaters have a good concept of what makes somebody a terrible person. [/quote]

I know that my AP's wife and her family hold views and commit actions that the vast majority of DCUM would find abhorrent and that put their children at risk, health-wise, intellectually, emotionally.  Every time this issue is discussed here, people envision themselves as the betrayed spouse.  They never picture the dregs of society.  For all the talk of karma on here, who's to say a deplorable person losing their marriage isn't just karma righting wrongs?  I don't believe in that stuff, but none of these issues are black and white.[/quote]

The hubris is incredible. I hope you don’t think you’re an instrument of karma.  You sound like you’re trying to be some kind of self-appointed vigilante dispensing cosmic justice but really, you’re just a cheater.  [/quote]

No, you're making stuff up.  I was simply replying to the person who said thinking about the poor, sweet, innocent wife made her resist having an affair.  If the wife is over here encouraging her kids to use the N word for instance, I'm not going to prioritize her happiness over my own.  [/quote]

I’m the PP who chose NOT to have the affair. My friend’s/crush’s wife is a nice person and I have to agree with the “hubris” PP that your line of thinking is at the very least rather strange. I’d guess you’re in justification mode but I don’t know you so will refrain from commenting further.
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Not to mention most of the sh@t the married guy is telling them is completely made up…and, of course, he is a saint in all of this.  If any of it were remotely true, he already would have divorced.  I’m sure he keeps kicking that can down the road anytime pp brings up a future.[/quote]

Yeah it's this unfortunate cat-fight stuff that women get into. Let's go beyond this internalized misogyny ladies!

You don't steal from bad people. You don't bully bad people. You don't murder bad people. You don't abuse bad people. Wrong is wrong. Believing that poor MM is just a victim of the Big Bad Wife is a really silly attempt to make a bad thing OK. Not only does a person anxious to get into your pants have a reason to lie to you about the state of his marriage, but he has a reason to lie to HIMSELF to assuage his own guilt.

If you don't care about other people just because they're humans, fine, don't. Just be honest about it. Don't blame the victim just to make your disgusting acts more palatable. [/quote]

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