My kid meets (and shares room) with my ex's new romantic interest. Am I crazy to worry about this?

[Anonymous]

Context: we had an enormous fight in court a few years ago, my kid (now 7) lives with me and has court ordered visitation with dad that amounts to half of school holidays, plus we agree sometimes to additional weekend visitations. Dad leaves a few hours driving time from DC.
Last visitation dad brought his new girl (I found out from friends after the fact), and it appears they all shared the room in the hotel with my kid, though ex didn't respond to my questions about this. I didn't know anything about her until then.
I was so not ready for my son to get exposed to something like this. But some people say I should just get used to it.
And as for my kid's reaction - so far he hasn't spoken about her at all. But he had meltdowns the day he returned and every day after that for almost a week. He wants us back together (which is what most kids want, I get it). He seems ok now, but I haven't seen him so upset for a long time. He is generally a very happy kid.
Other considerations - ex is constantly lying about everything to me, always has. I have to keep records about everything to manage through this. Visitations has always been problematic. Every time there is something lost, damaged, or not returned - clothing, sport items (skis), homework assignments, etc. Every time he is late when he returns the child. He is absolutely terrible on support payments, and he is lying about sending out checks or arranging payments through banks and telling me something just didn't go through. My kid wants to see him, that's true. But it's usually a real challenge, not only emotionally, but logistically and physically.
What do I do?

[Anonymous]

There's a dozen or so possible questions in there. As to your headline question-- yes, you're crazy to worry about this. If he has a hotel room when visiting what is your expectation-- what would make you happy there?

[Anonymous]

My expectation is if this is a serious relationship, find a way to talk about it to the kid before just throwing him into the same room. If not, don't bring her for this 1.5 day visitation at all.

[Anonymous]

Another good idea - get either 2 connected rooms, or a suite with separate bedroom.

[Anonymous]

So the 7 year old kid would be in a hotel room all by himself?

[Anonymous]

In a suite with separate bedroom? He would be fine by himself.

[Anonymous]

I would not be happy about this either OP. Although, I'm not sure what you can do/say about it.

[Anonymous]

My thinking - keep your romantic interests to yourself until they do reach a significant point and a good chance to turn into something. And when they do, take it seriously and introduce the kid to that person very carefully, don't just throw them into one room at a quick weekend visitation.

[Anonymous]

If all the Dad time is quickie weekend visitation when then would it ever be appropriate to introduce anyone?

[Anonymous]

My feeling is that the actual act of child, father, and father's significant other is generally fine, but was handled completely wrong in this case. Both you and your child should have been made aware that she was coming, and your child's first time meeting her probably should not have included an overnight with her. I feel sharing a space with someone like that so unexpectedly would be pretty tense for anyone, not just a kid.

So basically, my suggestion is that when you discuss this with your ex, lawyers, etc. you focus on the lack of communication on your ex's part that lead to this being a completely unexpected curveball, rather than taking issue with the three of them sharing a space overnight.

[Anonymous]

Communication is a two way street. Not sure what throwing cash at lawyers will solve-- but they'll surely take your money.

[Anonymous]

Op, you have lost control of hoe your ex is handling his post divorce life with your son, and that is the reason for your post. That, and you think he is a PITA to deal with on issues of child support. Your on has 'meltdowns' because he is 7 and wants to see his Dad more. Sounds legit to me.
As for the hotel room, it's almost not worth responding to, but I will. Its a hotel room... Not the same bed. Was it a perfect situation for anyone, no. But neither is it perfect for a 7 year old to see his Dad for weekend hotel visits while Mom plays Columbo trying to put together pieces of everything she does not know anymore.
You trusted him to have a kid with, and that has to carry over now. And if he did not bring the new girl ( and who knows, it may be serious) it would be a post about how he is starting a life that does not inovolve you son....
Save the drama for dramatic events, and separate your own fears about life moving on from worries about your son.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I totally don't want any control over ex's life. None. But as a parent I want the best for my kid and worry about what ex is doing only in that context.
With respect to "I trusted him before, so trust him now". My trust was gone long ago. I know he will not physically harm the kid (at least directltly), but I also know he brought me into his kids life with no conversations with them, just left them hanging on their own to figure out what it means. They had hard time with it and I did too. And I was the one trying to prevent indecent things from happening and worrying about the effect on his children. I have reasons to be concerned that this new gf is not going to be like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I totally don't want any control over ex's life. None. But as a parent I want the best for my kid and worry about what ex is doing only in that context.
With respect to "I trusted him before, so trust him now". My trust was gone long ago. I know he will not physically harm the kid (at least directltly), but I also know he brought me into his kids life with no conversations with them, just left them hanging on their own to figure out what it means. They had hard time with it and I did too. And I was the one trying to prevent indecent things from happening and worrying about the effect on his children. I have reasons to be concerned that this new gf is not going to be like that.

You simply need to let go on some things. Despite both your issues the father is a competent parent. Period. End of story. When your child is with their father, they are with their father. It may be nice if he did share things with you but his not doing so is a non-issue & there's nothing actionable here. Often after divorce there is not good communication because its too hard to do so. With divorce nothing is perfect. OP, are you giving your ex regular updates on your dating/ love life? Are you getting pre-approval from your ex for anyone that you may introduce to your child? I would say what is harmful to the child is putting he/she in the middle of to parents that do not communicate-- and then trying to pull tidbits of information out of them. Who was your father with, etc., etc.?

[Anonymous]

Why does dad get so little visitation? His choice or yours?