Paranoia May Destroy Ya (Sexless Marriage Edition)

[Anonymous]

Stumbled across this blog post:
http://marriedmansexlife.com/2010/01/the-basics-part-1-what-the-hell-happened/

It really egged on my paranoia. Near as I can tell, I'm somewhere in Stage 5 with the wife losing weight, getting more energy, going out with her friends more, sex life perking up just a little. (But with no texts or additional warning signs of an affair.) But Steps 1 - 4 are just so dead, spot on, it's scary. Does this describe a common dynamic? Any of you gotten to Stage 5 only to have it really be - happily married couple starts having more, better sex and live happily ever after?

Here are the stages, paraphrased a bit:

Step 1 - Meet a girl; date.

Step 2 - Married. Sex is good but not all that wild. She gets pregnant, sex slows way down.

Step 3 - More kids; mortgage; work is harder; everyone is tired. Sex slows down more, even then she starts seeming like she's doing it more out of duty than desire. Marriage still seems happy.

Step 4 - Kids are a little more self-sufficient. She's less tired but still not much into sex with you. Asking for more sex turns into a fight. Sex is down to once or twice a month. Lingerie is a thing of the past.

Step 5 - Kids are a little older still. Wife gets more energy, hits the gym, starts looking good, a few new outfits, sex picks up a little - maybe even up to once a week. She's getting out with friends more, seems happier, which you like because you want her to be happy. But, she's getting more text messages these days.

Step 6 - There's been an affair. The details are devastating. "Eventually the keylogger on the computer and a sound activated tape recorder catch details of torrid sexual encounters. The affair doesn’t traumatize you as much as the knowledge that she’s doing things with her lover that she had previously given you a firm “no” to. The recorded sounds of her shrieking in pleasure under her lover both tear you heart out and turn you on. Your quiet sexless wife is apparently only that way with you."

Step 7 - She goes along with marriage counseling, but doesn't really try. Now you're divorced.

[Anonymous]

Honestly and truly, I just don't get these endless posts about sexless/dissatisfied marriages. I wish someone could explain it to me. Am I really that much of an exception to the rule? Our physical relationship started off so totally hot, but has literally onl

[Anonymous]

^^^oops, sorry!

Anyhow, it has only gotten better and better through the years. We literally can't get enough of each other. I assumed this is how people are when they truly love each other. What goes wrong?

I have my theories, but I'd like to hear actual explanations.

[Anonymous]

I think steps 1-4 are pretty much spot on, but I'm not sure they necessarily lead to steps 5 and 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^oops, sorry!

Anyhow, it has only gotten better and better through the years. We literally can't get enough of each other. I assumed this is how people are when they truly love each other. What goes wrong?

I have my theories, but I'd like to hear actual explanations.

My husband's sex drive was never very high, but his youth and the newness of the relationship masked that to some extent. Now it's hard for him to have even one full sexual experience if he's had a couple of drinks (he's 50 and not in good shape), so he views sex as a performance and avoids it. Would rather drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^oops, sorry!

Anyhow, it has only gotten better and better through the years. We literally can't get enough of each other. I assumed this is how people are when they truly love each other. What goes wrong?

I have my theories, but I'd like to hear actual explanations.

You have a relationship with one spouse that has average to low natural libido. Just aren't spontaneously horny - probably as much because of their bad luck in the hormonal lottery as because of anything their spouse is or isn't doing. But, the newness of the relationship and solid effort makes up for it. By the time you have a young kid or two, the newness is gone and the effort you were putting into your spouse - and especially into sex with your spouse goes away. Now it's an issue. And, if your spouse was treating you right before, resentment over lack of sex is going to cause the spouse not to treat you especially well. And so you get resentful over the mistreatment. Rinse. Repeat. Escalate.

Or, according to the website linked in the OP, it might be because a spouse settled for a beta-spouse. Someone who is a decent provider and caretaker, but doesn't have enough alpha to get the motor running. Once the kids have been created and mostly provided for, it's sexytime for some lucky alpha.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to bang wifey every night from now on in pure animalistic fashion. Don't be the chump who is paying the bills end has nothing to show for it.

[Anonymous]

Step 5 - Kids are a little older still. Wife gets more energy, hits the gym, starts looking good, a few new outfits, sex picks up a little - maybe even up to once a week. She's getting out with friends more, seems happier,

I think Step 5 describes a large chunk of SAHM-land in close-in Bethesda and the Town of Chevy Chase. From my experience with these women, they're not the ones having the affairs though. They're the ones spending H's big income on barre classes and personal trainers and decorating and Sun Valley ski trips for just the girls.

It's H who's having the affair.

[Anonymous]

I would agree with steps 1 - 5. I am in stage 5 minus the text messages. I have had more guy attention since I shed the pounds from hitting the gym. However, I love my husband and I love my kids so I just steer the conversations away when they get out of line or avoid certain men altogether. Not into the drama. I frankly would rather not have their attention at all and have more from my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would agree with steps 1 - 5. I am in stage 5 minus the text messages. I have had more guy attention since I shed the pounds from hitting the gym. However, I love my husband and I love my kids so I just steer the conversations away when they get out of line or avoid certain men altogether. Not into the drama. I frankly would rather not have their attention at all and have more from my husband.

Is your husband the low libido spouse in the relationship? Or is he just not giving you much attention and just kind of wishing that you guys would have more sex even though he's not paying attention?

[Anonymous]

Wife here, and I so, so agree with the on/off switches part of the blog. A poster in another thread said it best. It's pretty easy for a husband and dad to start treating his wife like a mom and a maid. And when that happens, that off switch is triggered.

The thing is, I just find affairs so weak and desperate. As a woman I have standards and I don't want to sleep with a guy who would sleep with a married woman. So they are not for me. We were on the road to divorce though, so not saying we fared any better. Things are better now but it will be a while before sex gets back on track. A lot of damage has been done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would agree with steps 1 - 5. I am in stage 5 minus the text messages. I have had more guy attention since I shed the pounds from hitting the gym. However, I love my husband and I love my kids so I just steer the conversations away when they get out of line or avoid certain men altogether. Not into the drama. I frankly would rather not have their attention at all and have more from my husband.

Is your husband the low libido spouse in the relationship? Or is he just not giving you much attention and just kind of wishing that you guys would have more sex even though he's not paying attention?

The second issue in bold.

I am at a loss as to why strange men will come up to me and talk to me about anything and my husband can practically go the whole weekend without saying two sentences to me. It feels good to have an adult conversation, I just wished my DH would give me that outlet.

[Anonymous]

I don't treat my wife like a maid; but treating her as a mom seems inevitable since so much of our interaction necessarily revolves around the kids.

I try to also treat her as my dirty, sexy wife after hours and when the kids aren't around; but I'm not certain my shifting gears on her like this is entirely appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would agree with steps 1 - 5. I am in stage 5 minus the text messages. I have had more guy attention since I shed the pounds from hitting the gym. However, I love my husband and I love my kids so I just steer the conversations away when they get out of line or avoid certain men altogether. Not into the drama. I frankly would rather not have their attention at all and have more from my husband.

Is your husband the low libido spouse in the relationship? Or is he just not giving you much attention and just kind of wishing that you guys would have more sex even though he's not paying attention?

The second issue in bold.

I am at a loss as to why strange men will come up to me and talk to me about anything and my husband can practically go the whole weekend without saying two sentences to me. It feels good to have an adult conversation, I just wished my DH would give me that outlet.

Would you please tell me where you meet these strange man? I am out and about and never see this stuff happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stumbled across this blog post:
http://marriedmansexlife.com/2010/01/the-basics-part-1-what-the-hell-happened/

It really egged on my paranoia. Near as I can tell, I'm somewhere in Stage 5 with the wife losing weight, getting more energy, going out with her friends more, sex life perking up just a little. (But with no texts or additional warning signs of an affair.) But Steps 1 - 4 are just so dead, spot on, it's scary. Does this describe a common dynamic? Any of you gotten to Stage 5 only to have it really be - happily married couple starts having more, better sex and live happily ever after?

Here are the stages, paraphrased a bit:

Step 1 - Meet a girl; date.

Step 2 - Married. Sex is good but not all that wild. She gets pregnant, sex slows way down.

Step 3 - More kids; mortgage; work is harder; everyone is tired. Sex slows down more, even then she starts seeming like she's doing it more out of duty than desire. Marriage still seems happy.

Step 4 - Kids are a little more self-sufficient. She's less tired but still not much into sex with you. Asking for more sex turns into a fight. Sex is down to once or twice a month. Lingerie is a thing of the past.

Step 5 - Kids are a little older still. Wife gets more energy, hits the gym, starts looking good, a few new outfits, sex picks up a little - maybe even up to once a week. She's getting out with friends more, seems happier, which you like because you want her to be happy. But, she's getting more text messages these days.

Step 6 - There's been an affair. The details are devastating. "Eventually the keylogger on the computer and a sound activated tape recorder catch details of torrid sexual encounters. The affair doesn’t traumatize you as much as the knowledge that she’s doing things with her lover that she had previously given you a firm “no” to. The recorded sounds of her shrieking in pleasure under her lover both tear you heart out and turn you on. Your quiet sexless wife is apparently only that way with you."

Step 7 - She goes along with marriage counseling, but doesn't really try. Now you're divorced.

In places where women finish having kids at 25, maybe this is true. In the DC Metro area, by the time women hit this stage, if they hit it, they are menopausal. Not that there aren't men who would hit menopausal women (see what I did there with all the "hits?"), but really, she loses 5 lbs and dyes her gray and all the dudes want to mount her 52 year old frame?