Paranoia May Destroy Ya (Sexless Marriage Edition)

[Anonymous]

That's, "wouldn't" hit that.

[Anonymous]

I think Stage 5 hits when the youngest of the kids is in school full time; so, mid-to-late 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stumbled across this blog post:
http://marriedmansexlife.com/2010/01/the-basics-part-1-what-the-hell-happened/

It really egged on my paranoia. Near as I can tell, I'm somewhere in Stage 5 with the wife losing weight, getting more energy, going out with her friends more, sex life perking up just a little. (But with no texts or additional warning signs of an affair.) But Steps 1 - 4 are just so dead, spot on, it's scary. Does this describe a common dynamic? Any of you gotten to Stage 5 only to have it really be - happily married couple starts having more, better sex and live happily ever after?

Here are the stages, paraphrased a bit:

Step 1 - Meet a girl; date.

Step 2 - Married. Sex is good but not all that wild. She gets pregnant, sex slows way down.

Step 3 - More kids; mortgage; work is harder; everyone is tired. Sex slows down more, even then she starts seeming like she's doing it more out of duty than desire. Marriage still seems happy.

Step 4 - Kids are a little more self-sufficient. She's less tired but still not much into sex with you. Asking for more sex turns into a fight. Sex is down to once or twice a month. Lingerie is a thing of the past.

Step 5 - Kids are a little older still. Wife gets more energy, hits the gym, starts looking good, a few new outfits, sex picks up a little - maybe even up to once a week. She's getting out with friends more, seems happier, which you like because you want her to be happy. But, she's getting more text messages these days.

Step 6 - There's been an affair. The details are devastating. "Eventually the keylogger on the computer and a sound activated tape recorder catch details of torrid sexual encounters. The affair doesn’t traumatize you as much as the knowledge that she’s doing things with her lover that she had previously given you a firm “no” to. The recorded sounds of her shrieking in pleasure under her lover both tear you heart out and turn you on. Your quiet sexless wife is apparently only that way with you."

Step 7 - She goes along with marriage counseling, but doesn't really try. Now you're divorced.

In places where women finish having kids at 25, maybe this is true. In the DC Metro area, by the time women hit this stage, if they hit it, they are menopausal. Not that there aren't men who would hit menopausal women (see what I did there with all the "hits?"), but really, she loses 5 lbs and dyes her gray and all the dudes want to mount her 52 year old frame?

I took a little older as just past that breastfeeding/erratic sleep stage. Once both kids hit their first birthday I started feeling, and looking, much better and I'm far from menopause (had second and last child at 35, my mom didn't hit menopause until almost 60 and I expect to do the same).

I feel like I look a lot better and am way more sexually confident and adventurous in my late 30s anyway. Not sure the point of this post. If my husband thinks I'm dried up and gray at 52, which I hope not to be, he's free to move on, but he will be a 53 year old divorcee single dad who is likely going to live in an apartment and still be stressing about his 401(k). In other words he's not rich and probably won't be. I'm not sure the dating pool will be much more appealing for him.

[Anonymous]

The point of the post is that you don't want to be the guy who suffers through mediocre-to-bad sex because you love your wife and want her to be more sexually attracted to you only to find out that it wasn't that she didn't like sex - just that she didn't like sex *with you*.

The linked blog is full of the author's theories on how to be the type of person your wife will be attracted to. Working harder at doing the things she tells you she wants you to do isn't necessarily the key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think Stage 5 hits when the youngest of the kids is in school full time; so, mid-to-late 30s.

In what part of metro DC? I had my younger child at age 37.

[Anonymous]

Lots of DC urban moms have the last kid in their 40's.

[Anonymous]

Who cares at what age it happens?

[Anonymous]

I guess the argument is that in DC women don't get more time away from the kids & horny enough to screw around with other guys until they're too unattractive to appeal to anyone but their husband.

If that isn't the argument, I don't think the discussion about childbearing ages in DC really addresses whether Stage 5 leads to Stage 6 & 7. If that is the argument, I disagree both because plenty of women still get their youngest kid out of the house by their late 30s and because women can be attractive for a long, long time.

[Anonymous]

That's the argument. For the women who get their youngest out of the house by their late 30's, maybe the article applies to the extent it applies generally. For the SAHM's who don't get their kids out of the house until their late-40s/early-50s, think what you want, but most 50 something women, even fit ones, are not exactly affair magnets. Of course some of them, if they are so disposed, can find men to cheat with, but I can't see why your average DC urban dad should get his panties in a knot about this article. Plus, many DC urban mom's work before the kids are in elementary school anyway, so all bets are off.

[Anonymous]

Any man thinking of getting married should read this forum and think hard. If you are involved with an educated, liberal woman who has had many partners, this is what you are asking for: being a slave to a mortgage, sex disappearing, and then your wife going through this "oh I need to feel sexy and confident" phase where she can cheat on you very easily if she wants.

Guys, go through a bunch of girlfriends if you want, but if she doesn't eventually divorce you for perceived shortcomings, she is going to look you in the eye knowing she fooled around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's the argument. For the women who get their youngest out of the house by their late 30's, maybe the article applies to the extent it applies generally. For the SAHM's who don't get their kids out of the house until their late-40s/early-50s, think what you want, but most 50 something women, even fit ones, are not exactly affair magnets. Of course some of them, if they are so disposed, can find men to cheat with, but I can't see why your average DC urban dad should get his panties in a knot about this article. Plus, many DC urban mom's work before the kids are in elementary school anyway, so all bets are off.

The reality is that average looking people cheat just as much as better looking people. Most people are not above average looking and/or rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would agree with steps 1 - 5. I am in stage 5 minus the text messages. I have had more guy attention since I shed the pounds from hitting the gym. However, I love my husband and I love my kids so I just steer the conversations away when they get out of line or avoid certain men altogether. Not into the drama. I frankly would rather not have their attention at all and have more from my husband.

Is your husband the low libido spouse in the relationship? Or is he just not giving you much attention and just kind of wishing that you guys would have more sex even though he's not paying attention?

The second issue in bold.

I am at a loss as to why strange men will come up to me and talk to me about anything and my husband can practically go the whole weekend without saying two sentences to me. It feels good to have an adult conversation, I just wished my DH would give me that outlet.

Would you please tell me where you meet these strange man? I am out and about and never see this stuff happening.

Men will strike up a conversation with me anywhere: the gym, in line at the bank, the grocery store, the doctor's office, at kids activities (soccer game, swim meet, band concert, etc.). I'm friendly and comfortable talking with people. Maybe I just seem approachable and nice.

Seriously, though, I would love my husband to look at me like an adult with opinions and a brain like he used to than the mother and the maid I have become. If he gave me that again, I think I would be happy to have sex with him every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's the argument. For the women who get their youngest out of the house by their late 30's, maybe the article applies to the extent it applies generally. For the SAHM's who don't get their kids out of the house until their late-40s/early-50s, think what you want, but most 50 something women, even fit ones, are not exactly affair magnets. Of course some of them, if they are so disposed, can find men to cheat with, but I can't see why your average DC urban dad should get his panties in a knot about this article. Plus, many DC urban mom's work before the kids are in elementary school anyway, so all bets are off.

The reality is that average looking people cheat just as much as better looking people. Most people are not above average looking and/or rich.

Totally. My husband's affair partner was older than both of us, a bit overweight (I've always been fit and lean), and a mom (so not some single, carefree sexpot). Affairs are about the way the person makes you feel, not so much about sexual attraction. At least not all of them.

[Anonymous]

So her going to the gym again doesn't matter. Men, you are doomed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would agree with steps 1 - 5. I am in stage 5 minus the text messages. I have had more guy attention since I shed the pounds from hitting the gym. However, I love my husband and I love my kids so I just steer the conversations away when they get out of line or avoid certain men altogether. Not into the drama. I frankly would rather not have their attention at all and have more from my husband.

Is your husband the low libido spouse in the relationship? Or is he just not giving you much attention and just kind of wishing that you guys would have more sex even though he's not paying attention?

The second issue in bold.

I am at a loss as to why strange men will come up to me and talk to me about anything and my husband can practically go the whole weekend without saying two sentences to me. It feels good to have an adult conversation, I just wished my DH would give me that outlet.

Would you please tell me where you meet these strange man? I am out and about and never see this stuff happening.

Men will strike up a conversation with me anywhere: the gym, in line at the bank, the grocery store, the doctor's office, at kids activities (soccer game, swim meet, band concert, etc.). I'm friendly and comfortable talking with people. Maybe I just seem approachable and nice.

Seriously, though, I would love my husband to look at me like an adult with opinions and a brain like he used to than the mother and the maid I have become. If he gave me that again, I think I would be happy to have sex with him every night.

PP again -

For stats. I am 42 and my youngest is in elementary school. I think if I was predisposed to having an affair, there have been opportunities. I'm just not inclined to go there. Why create a whole other pile of crap when I am already dealing with one struggling relationship? I agree with the PP that men who would have an affair with a married woman with kids aren't real prizes to go after.