Paranoia May Destroy Ya (Sexless Marriage Edition)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's the argument. For the women who get their youngest out of the house by their late 30's, maybe the article applies to the extent it applies generally. For the SAHM's who don't get their kids out of the house until their late-40s/early-50s, think what you want, but most 50 something women, even fit ones, are not exactly affair magnets. Of course some of them, if they are so disposed, can find men to cheat with, but I can't see why your average DC urban dad should get his panties in a knot about this article. Plus, many DC urban mom's work before the kids are in elementary school anyway, so all bets are off.

The reality is that average looking people cheat just as much as better looking people. Most people are not above average looking and/or rich.

Totally. My husband's affair partner was older than both of us, a bit overweight (I've always been fit and lean), and a mom (so not some single, carefree sexpot). Affairs are about the way the person makes you feel, not so much about sexual attraction. At least not all of them.

How did you find out? Did you know her? Did your DH tell you why he was attracted to an older woman with kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's the argument. For the women who get their youngest out of the house by their late 30's, maybe the article applies to the extent it applies generally. For the SAHM's who don't get their kids out of the house until their late-40s/early-50s, think what you want, but most 50 something women, even fit ones, are not exactly affair magnets. Of course some of them, if they are so disposed, can find men to cheat with, but I can't see why your average DC urban dad should get his panties in a knot about this article. Plus, many DC urban mom's work before the kids are in elementary school anyway, so all bets are off.

The reality is that average looking people cheat just as much as better looking people. Most people are not above average looking and/or rich.

Totally. My husband's affair partner was older than both of us, a bit overweight (I've always been fit and lean), and a mom (so not some single, carefree sexpot). Affairs are about the way the person makes you feel, not so much about sexual attraction. At least not all of them.

+1. In fact, did you ever notice that when they catch some guy who stole the savings of a few women, it is never some big stud but a little snook? They tell them what they want to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any man thinking of getting married should read this forum and think hard. If you are involved with an educated, liberal woman who has had many partners, this is what you are asking for: being a slave to a mortgage, sex disappearing, and then your wife going through this "oh I need to feel sexy and confident" phase where she can cheat on you very easily if she wants.

Guys, go through a bunch of girlfriends if you want, but if she doesn't eventually divorce you for perceived shortcomings, she is going to look you in the eye knowing she fooled around.

I actually think this has a lot to do with it: the fact that people are promiscuous, or at least serially monogamous, before marriage. They get accustomed to a pattern of sexual behavior that does not involve chastity, fidelity, self-restraint, or self-denial. They never go deeper than the mechanics of sex, to the deeper intimacy, or only superficially so.

If you truly love your spouse, you love all expressions of intimacy with them, and the thought of intimacy with someone else is repulsive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's the argument. For the women who get their youngest out of the house by their late 30's, maybe the article applies to the extent it applies generally. For the SAHM's who don't get their kids out of the house until their late-40s/early-50s, think what you want, but most 50 something women, even fit ones, are not exactly affair magnets. Of course some of them, if they are so disposed, can find men to cheat with, but I can't see why your average DC urban dad should get his panties in a knot about this article. Plus, many DC urban mom's work before the kids are in elementary school anyway, so all bets are off.

I'm in my 50s and believe me I have much better things to do with my time than have an affair behind my husband's back. If I were unhappy with my husband, I would move out on my own and enjoy life without having someone around who needs to be pleased and taken care of all the time. The last thing I would want to do is find some new emotional entanglement!

[Anonymous]

How did things get started with married people with kids? Woman early 40's, man early 30's.

Conversations. We both enjoyed eachothers company. We confided in eachother and didn't judge one another. We had no expectations of one another. Things just slid down a progressive slope. I think we both needed the emotional intimacy as much as the physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't treat my wife like a maid; but treating her as a mom seems inevitable since so much of our interaction necessarily revolves around the kids.

I try to also treat her as my dirty, sexy wife after hours and when the kids aren't around; but I'm not certain my shifting gears on her like this is entirely appreciated.

This. DH does not understand how offputting this is. It needs to start way before the kids aren't around. Kudo PP for recognizing that.

[Anonymous]

Why is this thread totally geared towards what women want? How about what I want? This society is so screwed up with this thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's the argument. For the women who get their youngest out of the house by their late 30's, maybe the article applies to the extent it applies generally. For the SAHM's who don't get their kids out of the house until their late-40s/early-50s, think what you want, but most 50 something women, even fit ones, are not exactly affair magnets. Of course some of them, if they are so disposed, can find men to cheat with, but I can't see why your average DC urban dad should get his panties in a knot about this article. Plus, many DC urban mom's work before the kids are in elementary school anyway, so all bets are off.

The reality is that average looking people cheat just as much as better looking people. Most people are not above average looking and/or rich.

Totally. My husband's affair partner was older than both of us, a bit overweight (I've always been fit and lean), and a mom (so not some single, carefree sexpot). Affairs are about the way the person makes you feel, not so much about sexual attraction. At least not all of them.

How did you find out? Did you know her? Did your DH tell you why he was attracted to an older woman with kids?

Yes, I knew her. She was a coworker of his. In fact that is why it got so far, I ignored red flags because she was not the type you think your husband will risk your marriage for. Affairs have a real psychological component to them. People like to think they are unique and what they are going through is so unique but these things follow trends for the most part.

As to why he was attracted to an older woman with kids, it was classic midlife crisis stuff. Quite simply, she was there, they were both pretty desperate. Selfishness and low self worth is not a great foundation for a relationship but it is a perfect affair fuel. They got to be the best parts of themselves. They validated the best parts of themselves, the very things that didn't validating, ironically. Affairs typically happen in a bubble. They are an escape from reality. It is cheating, not just on your spouse but cheating reality - in a sense you get to be someone else and pretend someone else is someone they are not.

[Anonymous]

Wives who won't fuck their willing husbands but will fuck third parties belong in the seventh circle of hell. It'd be one thing if the husbands won't do their wives. Then I would understand. But there is nothing more contemptible than a woman who always tells her husband "no" and then goes and gets some from some other guy.

Signed,

A Man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't treat my wife like a maid; but treating her as a mom seems inevitable since so much of our interaction necessarily revolves around the kids.

I try to also treat her as my dirty, sexy wife after hours and when the kids aren't around; but I'm not certain my shifting gears on her like this is entirely appreciated.

This. DH does not understand how offputting this is. It needs to start way before the kids aren't around. Kudo PP for recognizing that.

Do you understand your wife is BEAUTIFUL and sexy, not dirty and sexy? Were you raised on porn?

[Anonymous]

Uh, some (many?) women want dirty, sexy love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wives who won't fuck their willing husbands but will fuck third parties belong in the seventh circle of hell. It'd be one thing if the husbands won't do their wives. Then I would understand. But there is nothing more contemptible than a woman who always tells her husband "no" and then goes and gets some from some other guy.

Signed,

A Man

Same with the men who cheat who have willing wives. We are out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't treat my wife like a maid; but treating her as a mom seems inevitable since so much of our interaction necessarily revolves around the kids.

I try to also treat her as my dirty, sexy wife after hours and when the kids aren't around; but I'm not certain my shifting gears on her like this is entirely appreciated.

This. DH does not understand how offputting this is. It needs to start way before the kids aren't around. Kudo PP for recognizing that.

Do you understand your wife is BEAUTIFUL and sexy, not dirty and sexy? Were you raised on porn?

Do you understand you can be both? What is your damage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't treat my wife like a maid; but treating her as a mom seems inevitable since so much of our interaction necessarily revolves around the kids.

I try to also treat her as my dirty, sexy wife after hours and when the kids aren't around; but I'm not certain my shifting gears on her like this is entirely appreciated.

This. DH does not understand how offputting this is. It needs to start way before the kids aren't around. Kudo PP for recognizing that.

Do you understand your wife is BEAUTIFUL and sexy, not dirty and sexy? Were you raised on porn?

Do you understand you can be both? What is your damage?

It is damaged to say that a man should respect, cherish, and honor his wife? And not damaged to objectify, degrade, and use her?

Sex should be a union of two whole, real persons. That can involve dominance and submission, aggression and subjection, but only if there is mutual respect and total trust.

I can't believe how defensive people are about calling their wife "dirty."

[Anonymous]

She's dirty, sexy, beautiful, loving, a great mother, a good cook, a shrewd business woman, funny, sweet, and a whole bunch of other things. At times, I enjoy cherishing and respecting her. Other times, I enjoy screwing her silly. She enjoys all of those things as well. Mainly it's a matter of getting our timing right -- i.e, not cherishing and respecting her when she wants to be an object of lust; and not objectifying her when she wants to be cherished and respected.