sister not pulling weight during family weekends -- what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Our family gets together at the beach for a few weekends spread out across the summer. It's ok, except that my sister is very hands off in her parenting. i.e. she'll get up and feed herself, but not her kids (age 4 and 7). So inevitably, I'm making breakfast for my own kids and I wind up feeding her kids too. Or she'll got to take a nap with her younger one and just kind of leave the older one hanging around without anything to do. So again, somebody else winds up tending to him when he needs it. (She's divorced, so there's no other parent to help out.) None of this would be a big deal, except that 1. her kids are pretty needy and 2. it's habitual and she never steps up to help out with anyone else. I haven't said anything to her because she's tends to flip out with criticism and it's easier to avoid the issue than to dig into that can of worms. But I am getting resentful and I've stopped going to the beach when she's there. Thoughts? Anybody in a similar boat?

[Anonymous]

If she's divorced and single parenting a lot, this might be a "break" for her. And if you're fixing breakfast for your own kids, it can't be that much of a hassle to do it for the others. I don't know, I get it might feel like you're being taken advantage of, but they're your nieces/nephews, so is it really that hard to just hang out with the 7 yo if she naps with the 4 yo or make a couple extra waffles?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she's divorced and single parenting a lot, this might be a "break" for her. And if you're fixing breakfast for your own kids, it can't be that much of a hassle to do it for the others. I don't know, I get it might feel like you're being taken advantage of, but they're your nieces/nephews, so is it really that hard to just hang out with the 7 yo if she naps with the 4 yo or make a couple extra waffles?

OP here. No, maybe not. But my thing is she NEVER offers take anything off my plate. And I get that she's a single mom, but she has her kids out of the house 3 days/nights a week, so it's not like she never gets a break. And she was like this before she got divorced too.

[Anonymous]

She is your sister- suck it up. I would not focus on your sister, but on her kids. It's not their fault their mom/dad are so inattentive and they need adult supervision and attention.
And truly, how much is her lack of involvement REALLY putting you out? I know its the principal of it but let it go. Also, you are letting her control you but not going to the beach when you know she will be there.

let it go.

[Anonymous]

Its your sister and your nephew/niece - just suck it up, unless its interfering with your ability to care for your own kids.

[Anonymous]

How much tending does a 7 year old in a house full of family need while his mom and sibling nap? Seriously, he can entertain himself or play with his cousins. If he needs anything serious ask him to wake his mom if you don't want to do it.

[Anonymous]

She may be a bad parent, but her children deserve to taken care of - so if it falls to you, be gracious about it, for their sake.

[Anonymous]

My older sister frequently asked me for free child care when I was home for breaks during college. I was fine with that- I saw it as something family members do for each other; they were my niece and nephew and I had free time, and someday she would return the favor (I assumed) so I didn't question it too much. Fast forward 15 years. Her kids are young adults. When we all rent a beach house together but my husband can't make it I don't ever get a break. I've learned that "it takes a village" was a one-way street. It takes an act of congress to free me up to go out for a 45 minute run. My kids are 7 and 2.5 and easy-going; the most they ask for is someone to play with. I don't get it, but I don't say anything because my sister will freeze me out for years for anything that could be construed as criticism. I think you're right to avoid the situation.

[Anonymous]

I imagine she is probably viewing this as something you or others "owe" her for some perceived (or real?) grievances from the past. E g your parents favored you so she deserves some favors now? You've always been more successful so what's the skin off your back? Of course I'm making this up but just a thought.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with those who say to suck it up, because it's all the time and there's *no* reciprocity. It doesn't benefit her, either, if she prefers to have your help and you don't go when she's there.

On the other hand, I can see why this is so touchy - she has you trained to worry about her flipping out. If you're avoiding her anyway, what do you have to lose if there's some conflict?

Do you otherwise like your sister and want to spend time with her? How about her kids? Does she like you? Is there anything she does well that could make up for her other goldbricking? Is it possible that she's assuming you enjoy having the kids around and it's no imposition?

Do you trust her with your kids? Can you just start making occasional demands, as in - you fed them breakfast, and now you're going out and will be back in a couple of hours, and just assume she will step up the way you did?

[Anonymous]

I get where you are coming from OP. It's annoying when you are on vacation and feel pressured to entertain someone else's kids when, for the 15 or so minutes you might have some downtime, you'd much rather be zoning out drinking a coffee on the porch or something. We do family trips with my in-laws (grandparents and husband's sister's family) and my husband sister and BIL definitely take advantage of the fact that there are other grown ups around to take lots of time for themselves. It's not a big deal, because it's only an occasional thing, but I do find it a bit annoying.

You do need to suck it up a bit and be nice to your niece and nephew, which it sounds like you are already doing. However, I think setting some firm boundaries would help a lot here -- if only for your own sanity. So, resign yourself to the fact that you'll be making breakfast for her kids as well as your own, and let go of any resentment about that. But don't be shy about telling your nephew "I"ll read this book with you for 5 minutes, but then I need my grownup time/ time with my kids, so I'll turn on the TV for you if you want, but if you need anything, you'll need to find your mom." And then stick with it, without feeling guilty. Your niece and nephew are getting old enough that they shouldn't need constant adult attention, and while it's important that you are a nice loving aunt, there's absolutely no reason you need to sacrifice your entire vacation to being their mother.

In my own family, one of my sisters is the "nice" aunt, who will drop everything to play a game with a niece or nephew. The kids are all wild for her, which is great, but it means that she is constantly badgered for attention by them when we're all together. I think of myself as a fun aunt, and am well-liked by the kids, but don't feel the same guilt as she does in saying "not right now" or "let's find your mom or dad." I've found that that approach serves me pretty well.

[Anonymous]

My sister is a single mom. When I go out to visit on vacation, DH and I usually let her have the hotel room one or two nights alone while I watch her kids and mine. I hate when my married friends say "I am a single mom this week while DH is traveling," because no you really aren't! You still get his paycheck and when the week is over you have help. Single moms NEVER get a break unless family help them out.

So for OP, why don't you talk with your sister? Find out if she is overwhelmed or needs help?

[Anonymous]

Step back. You are complaining about making breakfast and her taking a nap. Seriously?

If you are that annoyed ask her to make breakfast one morning. As far as the nap, turn on the tv for the kid if you don't want to entertain him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get what you are saying and understand, completely!

I took my 13 yr old nephew on vacation with me for two weeks. 7 hour flight, etc. he was helpful with my two boys during the flight. My boys are 7. Granted we were at my parents house, but still I drove my kids and nephew everywhere took them to lunch, activities, etc. (spent my own $$) My brother comes to pick up his son and spend 4 days with the family..... so then it's his 6 yr old hanging out with us and wanting to hang out with my kids and ultimately we end up with his 6 yr old for 4 days with us, UGH! My brother and SIL are are so stupid and clueless that they don't bother asking if they can take our boys, EVER!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with those who say to suck it up, because it's all the time and there's *no* reciprocity. It doesn't benefit her, either, if she prefers to have your help and you don't go when she's there.

On the other hand, I can see why this is so touchy - she has you trained to worry about her flipping out. If you're avoiding her anyway, what do you have to lose if there's some conflict?

Do you otherwise like your sister and want to spend time with her? How about her kids? Does she like you? Is there anything she does well that could make up for her other goldbricking? Is it possible that she's assuming you enjoy having the kids around and it's no imposition?

Do you trust her with your kids? Can you just start making occasional demands, as in - you fed them breakfast, and now you're going out and will be back in a couple of hours, and just assume she will step up the way you did?

Op again. If I left her with my kids, she would probably ignore them as she does her own. Her 7 year old is quite demanding of attention, I think, because he doesn't get much from his mom.

To be clear, I don't think I would mind taking care of her kids so much if she asked or acknowledged that I was doing it. But instead she just parks herself on the couch with the newspaper and leaves her kids to fend themselves for meals/entertainment/butt wiping. (Yes, the 7 yo sometimes asks for help...)