sister not pulling weight during family weekends -- what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow...I love my nephews (don't have nieces yet) almost as much as I do my own children. I'd think nothing of entertaining them and/or feeding them while on vacation. WTF

You'd be fine being the babysitter on a vacation, cutting into your relaxation time (it's supposed to be a vacation for everyone, right?), while another perfectly capable adult thinks nothing of handing responsibility for her kids off to you (without asking) so she can relax, and never reciprocating? You're either lying or a complete doormat. Which is it?

This is not about the kids - at all. This is about an entitled, selfish adult who either is clueless or thinks her family owes her free childcare (and she shouldn't be expected to reciprocate) because she's a single mom.

Yes, I would be fine with it. I have children, so my nephews play with my children. If anything, it would give me more of an opportunity to relax because the kids would entertain themselves. And so far, I've heard about throwing some extra eggs in for breakfast and trying to entertain the 7 year old while the younger one sleeps with Mom. Really not seeing the big deal here. I get my nephews on the weekend quite often. I enjoy spending time with them because it doesn't happen very often.

But of course many of the women on DCUM seem to have terrible family relationships, so YMMV.

[Anonymous]

If you come from a family where everyone is always looking out for other members children (even without verbal instruction), then your sister probably does not know that you are annoyed. She probably thinks you are using the it takes a village approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you come from a family where everyone is always looking out for other members children (even without verbal instruction), then your sister probably does not know that you are annoyed. She probably thinks you are using the it takes a village approach.

Yeah, except that she's not part of the village.

[Anonymous]

My sister and BIL have always assumed that the rest of us would be eager to watch their kids for them, and it has always irked me. Before my DH and I had kids, I just wished they would ask, but then it continued when I was dealing with a newborn and they would still disappear without saying anything. Eventually we had more kids than they did, and they still assumed that we wanted to watch their kids and do various chores for my parents.

It's not about how I feel about my niece and nephew. It's about needing downtime and instead having additional work pushed onto us by ungrateful relatives.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would be fine with it. I have children, so my nephews play with my children. If anything, it would give me more of an opportunity to relax because the kids would entertain themselves. And so far, I've heard about throwing some extra eggs in for breakfast and trying to entertain the 7 year old while the younger one sleeps with Mom. Really not seeing the big deal here. I get my nephews on the weekend quite often. I enjoy spending time with them because it doesn't happen very often.

But of course many of the women on DCUM seem to have terrible family relationships, so YMMV.

First, it's obvious that it's not less of a burden on the OP, it's more. So your "well, it would be less work for me" comparison is completely pointless. Second, is there ever any reciprocity in your family? Because in the OP's, there's not. If that really wouldn't bother you, well, you're either a saint or a doormat. Given the lack of understanding of how others might feel about this situation, I'm guessing saint is not the correct answer. Third, it's a lot more than throwing an extra Eggo in teh toaster. Please see the OP's follow-up post.

[Anonymous]

I have a family member who thinks I don't feed or play with my kids unless I've cooked them four courses (including for breakfast) and am in the middle of painting their faces or blowing up a mini- bounce house.

Example: my kids are eating cereal with banana and drinking milk. I'm reading the paper. Family member comes in and says "aren't you going to give them breakfast?"

I say no just to watch her pull out the waffle iron, bacon cooker, egg beater, and melon baller so that she can be sure my kids won't starve.

Similarly, if I give them crayons and a coloring book and then dare sit down, I'm asked whether I'm going to play with my kids. Not saying this is what OP is doing, but it's worth considering that they just have different ideas about how much effort is required.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who thinks I don't feed or play with my kids unless I've cooked them four courses (including for breakfast) and am in the middle of painting their faces or blowing up a mini- bounce house.

Example: my kids are eating cereal with banana and drinking milk. I'm reading the paper. Family member comes in and says "aren't you going to give them breakfast?"

I say no just to watch her pull out the waffle iron, bacon cooker, egg beater, and melon baller so that she can be sure my kids won't starve.

Similarly, if I give them crayons and a coloring book and then dare sit down, I'm asked whether I'm going to play with my kids. Not saying this is what OP is doing, but it's worth considering that they just have different ideas about how much effort is required.

OP here. I'd be thrilled it my sister gave her kids some cereal and a banana. Sadly, that's not what's going on here.

[Anonymous]

13:01 - THIS.
NP here. I can't stand users. Speak up to her, OP! It might be worth it to take different vacations. It is certainly not worth taking vacations together in every extended family - some are simply PITAs!

[Anonymous]

Some mornings my kids do their own breakfeast.
One time my dd made her own dinner. I.e.found leftovers and warmed it in the microwave.
Parenting styles are just different and you find your sil irritating

[Anonymous]

I have/had exactly your situation, OP, except it was a brother, not sister. And we're both single parents. I did bring it up with him before this year's vacation. I said 'Before we get the house, let's discuss division of labor/responsibilities. Maybe we should think about separate houses'. My brother refused to go on vacation and hasn't spoken to me since.
Bummer, but you know what? It is a pain and it isn't fair to you. You need to decide what's likely to happen if you bring it up, and whether you are OK with that outcome. If you do bring it up, I recommend you do it before you are away together. You don't want to do it in front of the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm on your side, although I can see my way to empathizing with your sister.

I'm a nuclear-grade introvert. Love having other peoples' kids around, but there is a limit, and god help everyone if my switch gets flipped. It takes me an absurd amount of time to recover if I'm overloaded, and the demands of a little kid put me in a place, even with breaks, even with plenty of help, of just not wanting to be there.

Here's the thing, though. It doesn't matter. It's my issue. I still have to carry my weight in a group setting. I still have to pull it together and be present for my kid, and I need to *practice* being able to function even when what I really need is a complete weekend of zero human contact. More importantly, I've learned that isolating myself in the same space - ignoring everyone - doesn't work. It hurts others without replenishing me.

I don't know whether that's your sister's situation, but I recognize the behavior. If she's got a boyfriend, she's maintaining that relationship on her kids-away nights, and that's not refilling the well, but that's her choice.

She has to step up. It's OK if she's more casual and less involved or attentive, as long as the kids' real needs are met and they are safe. And maybe it's OK if it's not all that even - if you're temperamentally different and it's not a big deal to you, and doesn't need to be 50/50, that's up to you. But she can't just impose without asking and appreciating and doing something to help that works for everyone.

Also, sometimes behavior like this is a way of precipitating conflict to clear the air. It sounds as though open, functional communication is not a family specialty, and some people only know how to speak the truth when they're yelling. Is that her deal? Is flipping out the only time she honestly expresses needs and feelings? If so, the whole family needs to retrain. Might as well start now so the kids grow up knowing better.

[Anonymous]

I babysit quite frequently (like 1-3 times a week for my sister) and am available 90% of the time she needs care, and am happy to do so, but I understand OP. Of course you are helping out because she is family, but when it isn't reciprocated, it is hard not to feel resentful.

Can you ask her 'hey, could you take little Tommy on Friday for a few hours so I could catch a movie' or something? If she acts put off, tell her your feelings.

[Anonymous]

If she has always been like this, I doubt she will change much. If you don't like it, spend less time with her. Rent your own place at the beach.

My husband's family will do this type of stuff and fights will erupt and they will end up not speaking to eachother for months and obsessing and stressing and trying to get people to take sides. Is it worth the money you save? Ig you can't get along, spend less time together and you might get along better with eachother. Some people click well together other's don't. If you don't click, keep things short and sweet. Do you think your kids will have happy memories of "family time" if mom is stressed out and angry?