sister not pulling weight during family weekends -- what would you do?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I agree that this can become annoying. I was that way on beach trips. I thought it wasn't a big deal - in our case there were 5 adults and 2 kids - I thought we just do our own thing and we all watch the kids collectively. What I learned is that the other adults were getting resentful thinking I was dumping my kid on them all the time. Here are some subtle things they did (that worked).
Assign meal preparation to each adult. "Hey sis, let's each pick a day to make [breakfast/lunch/dinner] for the house so that we each get a break from doing it. why don't you make [meal] for everyone on Saturday and I'll make it on Sunday." when you see her making herself breakfast, casually mention, "hey sis, bobby and susie were asking for breakfast a few minutes ago. You might want to get them some" Right before she's going to take a nap you say "sis, you might want to take bobby to your room with you today since I'll be leaving in a little while and no one can watch him." or... "I know you want to take a nap with susie, so I'll take bobby with us this afternoon, and then can you take my kids tomorrow afternoon so DH and I can take a walk on the beach?" Or plan outings for all the kids each day and assign an adult to go with them - at the beginning of the trip tell her "sis, I thought it would be nice for both of us to get a break from parenting - I know we could use it and I'm sure you could use it too. Why don't we take your kids with us Saturday afternoon and then you take our kids Sunday afternoon." |
Anonymous
OP here. I get that this sounds really petty. But trust me, it's much more than breakfast and a nap -- those were the easy examples I could think of. It's about someone who habitually assumes you will watch/entertain/wipe/feed and otherwise engage with her kids while she exercises/reads/runs/sleeps/hangs out with her new boyfriend and there is NEVER any help coming from the other direction. |
Anonymous
| My BIL and his wife are like this too, only their kids are younger. It does piss me off, but for the sake of helping cousins get along, I stay silent. We only see them a couple times a year, which makes it easier to deal. |
Anonymous
| OP, I get what you are saying, and yes, it sounds super annoying, but for the sake of her kids, I think it is probably kindest to just give them what attention you are able and not say anything. It sounds like they aren't getting enough from their mom. |
Anonymous
|
I'm a single mom of one with a very helpful co-parent. My sister is a married mom of 2 with a husband who is generally working and not as helpful. We'll trade off when we're all at our folks' house together on holidays, but more often I'll end up with her kids as well as mine. I actually don't mind at all, because I know she needs a break. I enjoy spending time with her toddler son, and my daughter and hers are the same age, so they play really well together and don't require a ton of effort on my part. On the last visit, I also took my brother's kids to the park and had a blast with all of them. I get "time off" to work out when I'm home, so I don't mind being on call for the kids.
I think the difference here is that I actually like my sister and appreciate the chance to get to know her kids better, since I see them so rarely. Maybe if you looked at it that way, it would help? If not, then you need to talk to her. Just complaining isn't going to accomplish anything, and you're limiting your family time, which doesn't help anyone. |
Anonymous
Wow...I love my nephews (don't have nieces yet) almost as much as I do my own children. I'd think nothing of entertaining them and/or feeding them while on vacation. WTF 
|
Anonymous
My husband travels for work full-time, and I completely agree! When people say "wow, it's like you're a single mom during the week" I remind them that when my DH is home we power through all kinds of chores and errands to make my life as stress-free as possible when he travels. |
Anonymous
| Can you make a meal plan in advance? When I went to the beach with another couple with kids we designated who would do which kid meals. |
Anonymous
Then oh HELL no. Where is the new boyfriend in all this, then? And I do get that single mom, 24/7 on duty...but it sounds like she is 'off duty' 30% of the time when her kids are with their dads. OP, start speaking up. I have to do this with my DH - he will sleep in EVERY morning, play on his computer, etc. completely oblivious to the kids. What I find is that he's more on the clueless boat than on the 'I want someone to watch my kids' boat (not to say there isn't one foot in each, but you get my drift). So, if he doesn't want to get up and I'm in no mood to deal with the kids, I send my kids in to wake him up. If they are hungry, I say 'The kids are hungry. Can you please get up and feed them? I'm grumpy and I don't want to deal with them this morning.' You could also do the stuff that's easy and ask your sister to deal with other things to free up your time. Like, 'Can you please get up and watch the kids so I can shower? And can you clean up from breakfast too?' Or plan ahead, like at lunch time: 'How do you want to split kid duty this afternoon? I'd like to get a run in and I'm sure you would too. Do you want to have some free time from X-X, and then I can have some from X-X?' If you are up front and anticipate, then you don't wait until you're upset, and it'll be easier to work things out. Does it suck that you have to be the one to do this? Yes. But for some people, they take take take and don't even realize what's happening half the time, so you have to communicate more. |
Anonymous
Me too. I have nieces, I don't even see them as often as OP seems to see her nieces/nephews, and I would absolutely cook them breakfast and take them along with me on outings while on vacation. And I have. |
Anonymous
| Wow, OP. I get the annoyance but it sounds like your nieces and nephews are little sponges who are sucking up any attention they can get (if it's true that she NEVER engages with them). I had a mom like this, who was always distracted with her own issues and life. It was hard for me and I really craved attention from adults. My aunt gave them to me. I hope she wasn't writing a note like this, about how much she resented spending time with me. I always thought she did it out of love for me, not because my mom forced her hand. Your post depresses me. |
Anonymous
Geez...it has nothing to do with love...it has to do with being taken ADVANTAGE OF...evidently the sister is DELEGATING HER PARENTING WITHOUT PERMISSION OF THE PERSON TO WHOM SHE IS DELEGATING. And it seems to happen every time! If the woman was saying her husband never helped...I bet folks would have been all up in arms about what a jerk he was and get thee to a divorce attorney. |
Anonymous
You'd be fine being the babysitter on a vacation, cutting into your relaxation time (it's supposed to be a vacation for everyone, right?), while another perfectly capable adult thinks nothing of handing responsibility for her kids off to you (without asking) so she can relax, and never reciprocating? You're either lying or a complete doormat. Which is it? This is not about the kids - at all. This is about an entitled, selfish adult who either is clueless or thinks her family owes her free childcare (and she shouldn't be expected to reciprocate) because she's a single mom. |
Anonymous
Except that's not what the OP's post says. It's that she resents her sister taking advantage, not the time she spends with the kids. There's a big difference. |
Anonymous
|
OP, my brother has no kids and never lifts a finger. I try not to vacation with all of us together whenever possible. Even though it's not difficult for me to help out it's aggravating to do so while others sit around.
When other kids are involved I do try to focus on the relationship I'm building with the kids and the other model of behavior I'm providing. Get them involved in age appropriate ways of helping along with your own kids and try not to feed into old dynamics with your sister. |