wife keeps her name
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Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Because it adds to the paperwork and heartache at an already difficult time. How is that hard to see? I mean it's not everything, but it's something. Not sure what is meant by "what people take away from it." |
Anonymous
It seems like a weird reason to not do it. Like you have your foot out the door. And I have no problem at all with people who keep their name, it's just a weird reason. |
Anonymous
I can't see why you can't see that it's a big deal. It would be an enormous amount of paperwork and stress, every single time you go to any doctor or anywhere you need to tell them that you got divorced so your name is different now, possibly for years or decades (depending on the extent of your social life, professional life, medical life, etc). Alternatively, if you DON'T change your name back, then you need to be reminded of your ex and your potentially nasty divorce every time you write or say your own name or someone else says it. This wasn't the sole/main reason I decided to keep my own name, but I can imagine it playing a part for someone, especially someone who was on the fence. Think of it like insurance - a type of marriage insurance. Something to reduce your pain if your marriage doesn't work out, and it doesn't cost you a single thing. It's pretty incredible that a woman should be seen as "having her foot out the door" for not doing something that men don't do either. |
Anonymous
While your comment has changed my view on how difficult this would be for a divorcee it doesn't really change my overall thinking. I think there are plenty of totally fine reasons to not change your name. But if, 'it will be easier if we divorce' is one of them yes it feels like a foot out the door. I'm not a fan of prenups for the same reason. If my husband told me he didn't want to combine finances because it would be hard if we divorced I would feel the same way. Basically either partner doing anything to proactively prepare for the possibility of divorce is a foot out the door imo. Which sometimes is probably a good thing. |
Anonymous
| Why are women expected to do it a show of commitment to the marriage and family, and love for their husbands? I don't know. Why are men expected to buy a ridiculously expensive engagement ring? I guess some traditions are just worth keeping, am I right, ladies? |
Anonymous
No. My ring wasn’t more than our rent which was fine by me as I picked it out. |
Anonymous
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Not all traditions are worth keeping.
I kept my name because it was mine. Ironically, it is my father’s last name and he split when I was six, but still, that name is part of my identity. I had it not only as a child and a teenager in my hometown, but as an adult through college and professional school and into the working world. I worked very hard to own it, and to have people associate positive traits with it, as they did with me as a person (separate from the name). I did not want to jettison that sense of identity and all the work and personal history that went with it. My spouse had no expectation that I’d take his name — we had one very brief discussion about it prior to our wedding, and that was that. My children have my husband’s name and so in my direct family line, my last name dies with me — nothing hyphenated, no middle names. The engagement ring, which wasn’t ridiculously expensive, serves as my wedding band too. Some traditions are simply relics; treasure to some, but by no means to all. |
Anonymous
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I understand perfectly.
Some traditions, such as those cherished by women, are valid. Some traditions, such as those cherished by men, are misogynistic and antiquated. Many women (not any one specific woman but lots and lots of them, maybe even most) actually get a little embarrassed in front of other women if their man doesn't open the car door for them, or get down on one knee to propose, or buy a sufficiently large engagement ring. When they get together, women want to be able to tell other women about the romantic way their man proposed, even if the man makes himself look silly doing it for her. They love it when men publicly demonstrate love and commitment to them. It shows just how devoted they are and how strongly they are invested in the relationship. If a man won't buy a sufficiently large rock, he must not really love her or think she's worth it. Again, not talking about any one woman specifically, just lots and lots of other women out there. When men embrace the tradition of wives adopting their name as a public show of unity and commitment to the relationship, it's sexist. |
Anonymous
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I'd probably assume she was an established professional when they got married.
One exception that I remember was when the woman had a family name that was very well known and had incredible family wealth. She didn't work outside the home. |
Anonymous
I kept my name and do not think it should be expected for men to buy engagement rings. My (now) DH did buy me a very modest one...cheaper then our rent 12 years ago. I didn’t really want it...as I had tried to tell him. I like and do just wear my band. Though, I do see your logic that if a man springs for a ring that changing a wife’s name could be perceived as an similar show of commitment to the marriage. FWIW...I don’t mind being occasionally referred to as “the Smiths” or “mrs. smith”....but if I get a letter addressed to “mr and mrs HisName Smith” I will push back. |
Anonymous
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seriously? who is still flummoxed by this? my mother was given a hard time (by everyone) about keeping her name professionally as a physician in the late 1960s and early 1970s. other than the occasional daycare teacher over the age of 60, I'm pretty sure I've never noticed anyone blinking at me keeping my last name. nor do I necessarily even notice with other people.
I do recall having a conversation with a lawschool classmate, otherwise a pretty progressive fellow, who informed me (at the age of 22 or thereabout) that his (highly hypothetical future) wife would definitely take his name because that's the way his family did things. my eyebrows raised, I asked if maybe he didn't think he'd better meet her first, he shrugged, the subject was changed. so, I guess I knew you people were still out there. But seriously, folks, this is certainly a tradition that some people hang on to and derive meaning from. Others just do it because it seems easier to them. Some do not do it as a point of principle. Others don't do it because it seems easier to them. Worry less about other people. |
Anonymous
Me neither, and married 17 years. |
Anonymous
This post is right on the money. |
Anonymous
I honestly don't understand the thinking that you can have a follower/leader dynamic AND not have one person considered better than the other. This thinking that the man is naturally the HOH and the woman follows his instructions may work for some people and i WANT to say that hey, you do you if that's what you like. But I don't get how it's not an inequal relationship. Sincerely interested if someone can explain. |
That cracked me up. To me, it is a responsibility more than a privilege to be the head of a household. And it doesn't imply that the wife doesn't work, is subservient, or even secondary. It is like the CEO and the COO being jointly responsible to shareholders in different capacities.