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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I looked forward to taking my husband’s last name. [b]I like the idea of a man being head of the household[/b] even though I am educated and have a nice career. My feeling is why throw the baby with the bath water? I enjoy having a relationship where I am both self-sufficient and protected. I also find it sexier. Androgyny is not sexy. [/quote]

I think the issue is that what you consider the baby is what a lot of us consider the bathwater.

And it's fine to live a life where women are second to men. But just don't call it anything else.[/quote]

I am family oriented, not self oriented. I am fully gratified and my kids are better off.[/quote]

Really admirable that you stick to your family oriented beliefs even when judgemental women try to shame you for it. Keep it up PP :)[/quote]

A last name has nothing to do with being family oriented. [/quote]

I am actually the PP who said I was family oriented, and I agree. It is a fairly trivial thing.  But apparently the poster who responded to me suggested that the idea of a man being the head of the household in this subtle way indicated that women are second to men.  :lol:  That cracked me up.  To me, it is a responsibility more than a privilege to be the head of a household. And it doesn't imply that the wife doesn't work, is subservient, or even secondary. It is like the CEO and the COO being jointly responsible to shareholders in different capacities. [/quote]

I'm a different poster in this thread, not PP, and I did change my name but I don't think they're wrong about the HOH thing. That is the language of misogyny. Because you can say its like the a CEO and a COO (although the CEO gets more prestige and deference) but what is your title? Co HOH?

My husband and I are a unit, there is no head of household. Even if I were a SAHM I wouldn't call my husband the HOH. He is the breadwinner in that scenario, but the term head of household implies some extra authority. The idea that they get to make the final call on things. And I'm not a fan of that, because that is not an egalitarian relationship. And relationships that aren't egalitarian are susceptible to abuse.[/quote]

My husband and I are a unit too, but I disagree with your ideas about the HOH distinction. To me, it confers [b]not only[/b] some extra authority but extra [b]responsibility[/b] that I expect my husband to feel for our family. He has a more prestigious career than I do, and I'm fine with that. His prestige benefits me and my kids, and even though there are some perks for him, he is oriented around us and not only himself. Part of his willingness to put us first is due to the perks. That is how life works and how human nature works. I am a competent, educated, and responsible person with a good career, but I am not capable of having a "big" job and focusing on my kids at the same time. Frankly [b]my husband is more capable than me when it comes to sheer ability[/b]. I am more than happy to [b]give him HOH status in exchange for his willingness to happily and lovingly (no abuse) confer his status and resources on me and my kids[/b]. I am not worried about being taken advantage of because I could fend for myself if the sh*t hit the fan, and I do agree any woman should always be prepared for that.

[/quote]

I bolded all the parts of your post that speak to the fact that in your household your husband is seen as superior to you in one way or another. You guys are not on a equal playing field, which you seem to fully understand and embrace.

[b]I am not going to criticize an individual woman for choosing a relationship like this if it makes them happy[/b] and they are going into it with their eyes wide open. But this is [b]not the attitude that women should have[/b] when they are looking for a mate. Because this attitude can be very very easily turned into an abusive situation.

I believe personally that even if an overweight maid who got Cs in school (let's call her Mary) is married to a big law guy who looks like Ken (let's call him Ken), they should be equals in the relationship. Mary shouldn't have to walk around her whole life feeling like she lives with someone who's better than her. They are human beings, and so they are equal, nothing about Ken being more accomplished or better looking or perhaps more intelligent takes away from the fact that Mary is a human being who deserves exactly as much dignity and respect as Ken does. Mary can appreciate Ken for bringing a lot of money into their household, and love that he is ambitious. She can admire that he is better at being a lawyer then she could ever be. But Mary should also realize that perhaps she is a little kinder then Ken could ever be, that she is better at Sudoku puzzles or cooking or parenting or gardening and certainly better at cleaning than he will ever be.

What is your husband better at than you due to sheer ability? I think it is troubling that that sentence doesn't actually have a noun. You just say he's better than you. Not what it is that he is better at.

Your household is run with your husband being labeled superior. You're cool with that and he doesn't abuse you, so I'm not going to say there is anything wrong with your life. But you need to realize that it is a dangerous world view to have. There are a lot of bad men in the world. [/quote]

A) Stop telling women what attitude they should or should not have
B) My husband is not superior to me, because we both assign a tremendous amount of value to my personal qualities. Lacking in self esteem I am not, and I would have no problem leaving my marriage if my husband stopped behaving appropriately, which he full well knows. [/quote]

This is sick.. I truly hope you don’t have daughters to follow your example[/quote]

I honestly don't understand the thinking that you can have a follower/leader dynamic AND not have one person considered better than the other. This thinking that the man is naturally the HOH and the woman follows his instructions may work for some people and i WANT to say that hey, you do you if that's what you like. But I don't get how it's not an inequal relationship. Sincerely interested if someone can explain.[/quote]

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