wife keeps her name
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
You know I've spent a lot of this thread feeling sorry for the wives of these jerks, but I think I'm actually really sorry for their kids.
I don't care if my kid's name was Apple Hitler, they would be my kid and I would do anything under the sun for them. All this conditional love, so sad and old fashioned. |
Anonymous
If unconditional love means you would do anything for the object of your affection, would you change your last name for that person? |
Anonymous
I don't have unconditional love for my spouse. I have unconditional love for my children. |
Anonymous
| At least “Apple Hitler” is easy to spell. |
Anonymous
I assume this was sincere so I'll respond Wouldn't a woman who is so attached to her last name that she couldn't imagine changing it for her husband or family also have feelings of inadequacy? I feel fine about myself. I just hate the idea of marrying a woman who insists on belittling me by giving me no recognition for my status as a husband or father in terms of how our kids are named. Luckily I'm already married, but yeah I would 100% dump any woman who would not give my last name to our kids. It's not that my name is that important -- it's that I don't want to broadcast to the world that my wife forced me into a humiliating arrangement that 99.9% of men don't have to put up with. Since I have options as a man in the dating market, j never have to worry about this happening though. |
Anonymous
So being selfish, yeah we get it. |
Anonymous
Listen dude (I am not nice compassionate PP), you are missing the point. And I did change my name for whatever that is worth, although I have no problems at all with women who do not. Your problem is that you view your wife having opinions on things like what her name is and what her children's names are to be reflections on you as a man. You view that as an intent to humiliate or something that men would judge you harshly for. And you seem to put a disproportionate amount of the value of your relationship on the opinions of people not in the relationship. That is showing a lack of respect for women. My husband doesn't need some type of recognition or status to be my husband and the father of our children. He loves us, he is my husband because I married him and because I stay with him every day, loving him back. He loves our children because they are his children. No outside people factor into these loves. How should a wife feel about the fact that her spouse cares more about what his friends think than about how she feels about her identity? How should a child feel about the fact that her father is basing his love for her on whether or not her mother agreed to name her a specific name? Plenty of women will have no problem changing their names and have no problem giving their child their husband's name. I am a pretty big feminist and I did both with no real thought ever to not do it. But if my husband had ever ordered me to do it, or said that his love for me and our future children was conditioned on this, then were would be problems. And for the record that is not the same as me and my husband talking about it beforehand, me not wanting to do it and him telling me why it was important to him and me reconsidering or something. Those are all reasonable things. But if he ever said, 'if you don't do this then I'll dump you'...well someone would be getting dumped one way or another after that. It is the height of insecurity to make major life and relationship decisions based on what the world will think. I hope you find some security some where along the way. |
Anonymous
|
I appreciate you taking the time to post that, but I am not going to assume that your husband would be 100% ok with you keeping your name and you not giving the kids his name.
You gave him the recognition he deserves and I'm certain he's happy about it. It's easy to say after the fact that he would have been ok with anything. Why don't you suggest changing your name and your kids names and see how he feels? This is just a tough issue. Women want to keep their names because it has become a part of their identity. Women want to be able to pass some part of their name to the next generation also. And many men spend their whole lives imagining starting their "Smith" family and fully embracing the responsibility and honor that comes from being a father and a provider for a family And the reality is when two people join to form one family, something has got to give. This isn't an everybody wins scenario. |
Anonymous
OMG that is the problem we all have with you right there. Getting married IS an everybody wins scenario when both people feel like equal partners. FWIW my husband and I had a conversation about this before we got married when I asked him how he would feel about it. He said he didn't care. After I decided to change I asked him if he would have considered changing to my name and he said he didn't know if he would have done it but he would have talked it over and considered it. And that is really what is lacking from your posts. Any remote amount of empathy for how your wife feels about any of this. Its all about you, how people will see you, how she is treating you, how your children will view you. Nothing about what it means for a person to give up their last name. How they would at minimum want their husband to understand that. This is the first post you have even brushed up against thinking about how the woman feels and you end it basically saying that not everyone can win with having explicitly saying above that if you can't 'win' this you would abandon a person who you loved at that point to want to marry. I would not enter into a marriage with a man who had to 'win' against me to marry me. No one wins when my husband and I fight, we talk through the issue until we're past it, no one of us is ever a victor. |
Anonymous
|
My wife and I did talk it over, I was empathetic and she did keep her name.
Please don't compare your husband saying after the fact that he would have considered changing his name .. of course he would not have told you that he wouldn't .. at that point he already was happy with the situation and wasn't going to get in a fight for no reason with you... Do I really have to explain this? What you are reading in my posts is what I'm free to say when I can express my true feelings without any consequences Any husband whose wife changed her name is grateful for it |
Anonymous
| Do the children get to pick their own last name, mine would like to be breakfast burrito |
Anonymous
You're assuming he doesn't respect me enough to tell me his honest opinion. I assume the opposite. Just because this is true for you, doesn't mean it is true for every man. Most women here are saying they're fine with whatever a woman decides. Why is it so difficult for you to be fine with whatever another man decides he is fine with? Why do you need to believe these guys are just lying to us or hiding their bitter resentment? |
Anonymous
|
It's a pretty minor white lie to say yeah I'd consider that after the decision is already made. Any husband that would get in a big argument by saying he wouldn't even consider it is a huge idiot.
Maybe he was so happy that you decided to change your name that he didn't want to share his true feelings and risk upsetting you and changing your mind |
Anonymous
I love how 3 of the 12 women in America who don't care about their engagement ring all felt the need to speak up that they weren't the ones wanting a big ring, their DHs were. Believe me, you are the outliers. The vast, vast majority of women would consider no ring to be a deal breaker. You're going to spend the rest of your lives winning every single argument and getting what you want, give your man this one win. |
Anonymous
+1 |