Any other women quiet quitting your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

My husband is a combo of this and OP’s husband. He has high standards and is upset if they aren’t met, but he doesn’t feel that he needs to do any of it himself.
I did hire a lot of help when the kids were little. I had a babysitter when I was working plus a husband and wife team that did all of the housework, cooking, and yard work. It saved our marriage, but I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do. It really covered up a lot of issues.

What was your DH’s childhood and cultural background like that he grew up expecting this?!

He grew up middle class in the Midwest. His family didn’t really have things together. His dad was an alcoholic.

I think that he just believed that if he did the right things, studied hard and did well in school, got a good job, that he would have his life together at home.

Like he felt that if he had a good job and he got married and had kids and mortgage and a golden retriever, then there would be a clean house and dinner on the table every night at six. It didn’t really occur to him that the only way for there to be dinner on the table every night at six is for someone to go out and buy the ingredients and to cook a meal and set it on the table.
It’s not that he thought that I should be doing all of this stuff. He believed in this dream for me too. Like that I could work and come home to a clean house and a homecooked meal at six.
It just didn’t really occur to him that someone has to clean the house and do the shopping and cooking and that it’s really kind of a lot of work.

Agree.
Many males have this naive, ignorant take on married life because their mothers and fathers never taught them or showed them actual life skills. Or communication skills. or problem solving skills. At the dinner table, on the weekends, during parental discussions.

And they apparently cannot figure things out.

Layer in a dose of misogyny, entitlement and believing Good Grades = Life Success and you have the deadweight husband and father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quiet quitting has its own emotional baggage but after on and off marriage therapy and years of clashing over his lack of interest, I see my husband is willing to put time and effort into everything except me and kids. I suggest going out one evening, he's too busy. I try to get us to sit down for a chat, he's too tired. The kids want to play a game, he's reading. But one of his friends calls, or he is asked by a vague acquaintance to help with something, and he miraculously has the time. I have a good job so I can support myself and only 1 kid left at home and will graduate soon from high school. Right now I want to do a year of therapy and make sure my reasoning is sound. I know it's never just one person's fault, but I also know it does take two to fix things. And right now, there's just one of us trying.

Who remembers or takes the vehicles in for oil change or maintenance?

Who seasonable takes care of the home and property or identifies needed repairs/ arranges them?

What is your problem? You have no idea what the answers to those questions are, but also, several times per year vehicle maintenance is not making up for daily not being present for your spouse or kids. Those aren't substitutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

My husband is a combo of this and OP’s husband. He has high standards and is upset if they aren’t met, but he doesn’t feel that he needs to do any of it himself.
I did hire a lot of help when the kids were little. I had a babysitter when I was working plus a husband and wife team that did all of the housework, cooking, and yard work. It saved our marriage, but I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do. It really covered up a lot of issues.

What was your DH’s childhood and cultural background like that he grew up expecting this?!

He grew up middle class in the Midwest. His family didn’t really have things together. His dad was an alcoholic.

I think that he just believed that if he did the right things, studied hard and did well in school, got a good job, that he would have his life together at home.

Like he felt that if he had a good job and he got married and had kids and mortgage and a golden retriever, then there would be a clean house and dinner on the table every night at six. It didn’t really occur to him that the only way for there to be dinner on the table every night at six is for someone to go out and buy the ingredients and to cook a meal and set it on the table.

It’s not that he thought that I should be doing all of this stuff. He believed in this dream for me too. Like that I could work and come home to a clean house and a homecooked meal at six.

It just didn’t really occur to him that someone has to clean the house and do the shopping and cooking and that it’s really kind of a lot of work.

He had unrealistic expectations. And continues to. Sad. He cannot adapt and perform to reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there doing that. He hasn't noticed yet

It took six months for my husband to notice.

He noticed, but assumed you were busy and forgot. Nobody is perfect and he knew you are running non stop, so no need to jump in with additional oversight. Then it became a pattern, but he didn’t want to start a fight by asking about you not doing things that you have always done.

In other words, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on so will just shush up and stay for the free childcare, cooking, cleaning, scheduling.

Nope probably just avoiding the explosion brewing inside you and he has enough drama at work, looking for a little peace at home.

What if the reason that she’s not doing as much is because she is depressed or has cancer or has become an alcoholic or because one of your kids is seriously struggling and they are having do deal with it? Don’t you think it’s your responsibility as a spouse to at least ask your partner what’s going on?
And if you really don’t have the energy to deal with anything that’s going on at home because work is so stressful, then maybe you should look into a different job.
You chose to become a husband and a father, and both are real responsibilities to other people. You can’t just ignore them and say that you don’t have the energy to deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

My husband is a combo of this and OP’s husband. He has high standards and is upset if they aren’t met, but he doesn’t feel that he needs to do any of it himself.
I did hire a lot of help when the kids were little. I had a babysitter when I was working plus a husband and wife team that did all of the housework, cooking, and yard work. It saved our marriage, but I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do. It really covered up a lot of issues.

What was your DH’s childhood and cultural background like that he grew up expecting this?!

He grew up middle class in the Midwest. His family didn’t really have things together. His dad was an alcoholic.
I think that he just believed that if he did the right things, studied hard and did well in school, got a good job, that he would have his life together at home. Like he felt that if he had a good job and he got married and had kids and mortgage and a golden retriever, then there would be a clean house and dinner on the table every night at six. It didn’t really occur to him that the only way for there to be dinner on the table every night at six is for someone to go out and buy the ingredients and to cook a meal and set it on the table.
It’s not that he thought that I should be doing all of this stuff. He believed in this dream for me too. Like that I could work and come home to a clean house and a homecooked meal at six.
It just didn’t really occur to him that someone has to clean the house and do the shopping and cooking and that it’s really kind of a lot of work.

Wow.
So he is big on ideas (of marriage) but poor or negligent on the planning and implementation of it (leading and running family life).
Wow.
Dos he realize this? Or would be fight to the end stating he’s so great?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

My husband is a combo of this and OP’s husband. He has high standards and is upset if they aren’t met, but he doesn’t feel that he needs to do any of it himself.
I did hire a lot of help when the kids were little. I had a babysitter when I was working plus a husband and wife team that did all of the housework, cooking, and yard work. It saved our marriage, but I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do. It really covered up a lot of issues.

What was your DH’s childhood and cultural background like that he grew up expecting this?!

He grew up middle class in the Midwest. His family didn’t really have things together. His dad was an alcoholic.

I think that he just believed that if he did the right things, studied hard and did well in school, got a good job, that he would have his life together at home.

Like he felt that if he had a good job and he got married and had kids and mortgage and a golden retriever, then there would be a clean house and dinner on the table every night at six. It didn’t really occur to him that the only way for there to be dinner on the table every night at six is for someone to go out and buy the ingredients and to cook a meal and set it on the table.
It’s not that he thought that I should be doing all of this stuff. He believed in this dream for me too. Like that I could work and come home to a clean house and a homecooked meal at six.
It just didn’t really occur to him that someone has to clean the house and do the shopping and cooking and that it’s really kind of a lot of work.

Agree.
Many males have this naive, ignorant take on married life because their mothers and fathers never taught them or showed them actual life skills. Or communication skills. or problem solving skills. At the dinner table, on the weekends, during parental discussions.

And they apparently cannot figure things out.

Layer in a dose of misogyny, entitlement and believing Good Grades = Life Success and you have the deadweight husband and father.

Alternatively, he was but didn’t put 2&2 together. Going to the grocery store with Ma, fixing the boat with Pa, doing taxes together, going through a health problem, helping a struggling sibling.

He cannot learn.

Being married to cone one who cannot learn AND cannot follow directions is THE worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

My husband is a combo of this and OP’s husband. He has high standards and is upset if they aren’t met, but he doesn’t feel that he needs to do any of it himself.
I did hire a lot of help when the kids were little. I had a babysitter when I was working plus a husband and wife team that did all of the housework, cooking, and yard work. It saved our marriage, but I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do. It really covered up a lot of issues.

What was your DH’s childhood and cultural background like that he grew up expecting this?!

He grew up middle class in the Midwest. His family didn’t really have things together. His dad was an alcoholic.

I think that he just believed that if he did the right things, studied hard and did well in school, got a good job, that he would have his life together at home.

Like he felt that if he had a good job and he got married and had kids and mortgage and a golden retriever, then there would be a clean house and dinner on the table every night at six. It didn’t really occur to him that the only way for there to be dinner on the table every night at six is for someone to go out and buy the ingredients and to cook a meal and set it on the table.

It’s not that he thought that I should be doing all of this stuff. He believed in this dream for me too. Like that I could work and come home to a clean house and a homecooked meal at six.

It just didn’t really occur to him that someone has to clean the house and do the shopping and cooking and that it’s really kind of a lot of work.

He had unrealistic expectations. And continues to. Sad. He cannot adapt and perform to reality.

Yeah. It’s this misunderstanding of cause and effect. I keep telling him that he doesn’t have to work so hard to get the things that he wants. He just has to work on the right things.

For example, his friend’s wife does these lovely Christmas cards every year. DH has a more prestigious job and makes more money than his friend, so he tells me that he doesn’t understand why we don’t have lovely Christmas cards. And I’m like, you get the Christmas cards by scheduling a photographer and getting kids matching outfits and haircuts and ordering the cards. It has nothing to do with anything you are doing at work.

It’s sad and weird. He’s an otherwise brilliant guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

My husband is a combo of this and OP’s husband. He has high standards and is upset if they aren’t met, but he doesn’t feel that he needs to do any of it himself.
I did hire a lot of help when the kids were little. I had a babysitter when I was working plus a husband and wife team that did all of the housework, cooking, and yard work. It saved our marriage, but I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do. It really covered up a lot of issues.

What was your DH’s childhood and cultural background like that he grew up expecting this?!

He grew up middle class in the Midwest. His family didn’t really have things together. His dad was an alcoholic.

I think that he just believed that if he did the right things, studied hard and did well in school, got a good job, that he would have his life together at home.

Like he felt that if he had a good job and he got married and had kids and mortgage and a golden retriever, then there would be a clean house and dinner on the table every night at six. It didn’t really occur to him that the only way for there to be dinner on the table every night at six is for someone to go out and buy the ingredients and to cook a meal and set it on the table.

It’s not that he thought that I should be doing all of this stuff. He believed in this dream for me too. Like that I could work and come home to a clean house and a homecooked meal at six.

It just didn’t really occur to him that someone has to clean the house and do the shopping and cooking and that it’s really kind of a lot of work.

He had unrealistic expectations. And continues to. Sad. He cannot adapt and perform to reality.

Yeah. It’s this misunderstanding of cause and effect. I keep telling him that he doesn’t have to work so hard to get the things that he wants. He just has to work on the right things.

For example, his friend’s wife does these lovely Christmas cards every year. DH has a more prestigious job and makes more money than his friend, so he tells me that he doesn’t understand why we don’t have lovely Christmas cards. And I’m like, you get the Christmas cards by scheduling a photographer and getting kids matching outfits and haircuts and ordering the cards. It has nothing to do with anything you are doing at work.

It’s sad and weird. He’s an otherwise brilliant guy.

Sounds like willful ignorance and learned incompetence. And you are enabling it to keep the peace and his fake image.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

My husband is a combo of this and OP’s husband. He has high standards and is upset if they aren’t met, but he doesn’t feel that he needs to do any of it himself.
I did hire a lot of help when the kids were little. I had a babysitter when I was working plus a husband and wife team that did all of the housework, cooking, and yard work. It saved our marriage, but I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do. It really covered up a lot of issues.

What was your DH’s childhood and cultural background like that he grew up expecting this?!

He grew up middle class in the Midwest. His family didn’t really have things together. His dad was an alcoholic.

I think that he just believed that if he did the right things, studied hard and did well in school, got a good job, that he would have his life together at home.

Like he felt that if he had a good job and he got married and had kids and mortgage and a golden retriever, then there would be a clean house and dinner on the table every night at six. It didn’t really occur to him that the only way for there to be dinner on the table every night at six is for someone to go out and buy the ingredients and to cook a meal and set it on the table.

It’s not that he thought that I should be doing all of this stuff. He believed in this dream for me too. Like that I could work and come home to a clean house and a homecooked meal at six.

It just didn’t really occur to him that someone has to clean the house and do the shopping and cooking and that it’s really kind of a lot of work.

He had unrealistic expectations. And continues to. Sad. He cannot adapt and perform to reality.

Yeah. It’s this misunderstanding of cause and effect. I keep telling him that he doesn’t have to work so hard to get the things that he wants. He just has to work on the right things.

For example, his friend’s wife does these lovely Christmas cards every year. DH has a more prestigious job and makes more money than his friend, so he tells me that he doesn’t understand why we don’t have lovely Christmas cards. And I’m like, you get the Christmas cards by scheduling a photographer and getting kids matching outfits and haircuts and ordering the cards. It has nothing to do with anything you are doing at work.

It’s sad and weird. He’s an otherwise brilliant guy.

Unclear what he wants PP. Besides protecting his ego and external image.

“Working so hard,” (and inefficiently and not delegating and not setting boundaries at work), is apparently an effective way to dump everything on one’s wife, who also has a full time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quiet quitting has its own emotional baggage but after on and off marriage therapy and years of clashing over his lack of interest, I see my husband is willing to put time and effort into everything except me and kids. I suggest going out one evening, he's too busy. I try to get us to sit down for a chat, he's too tired. The kids want to play a game, he's reading. But one of his friends calls, or he is asked by a vague acquaintance to help with something, and he miraculously has the time. I have a good job so I can support myself and only 1 kid left at home and will graduate soon from high school. Right now I want to do a year of therapy and make sure my reasoning is sound. I know it's never just one person's fault, but I also know it does take two to fix things. And right now, there's just one of us trying.

Who remembers or takes the vehicles in for oil change or maintenance?

Who seasonable takes care of the home and property or identifies needed repairs/ arranges them?

There are lots near the airport where you can leave your car and they wil get the oil changed while you are on a business trip. And you are suggesting that this is the equivalent of making dinner every single night? In what possible universe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quiet quitting has its own emotional baggage but after on and off marriage therapy and years of clashing over his lack of interest, I see my husband is willing to put time and effort into everything except me and kids. I suggest going out one evening, he's too busy. I try to get us to sit down for a chat, he's too tired. The kids want to play a game, he's reading. But one of his friends calls, or he is asked by a vague acquaintance to help with something, and he miraculously has the time. I have a good job so I can support myself and only 1 kid left at home and will graduate soon from high school. Right now I want to do a year of therapy and make sure my reasoning is sound. I know it's never just one person's fault, but I also know it does take two to fix things. And right now, there's just one of us trying.

Who remembers or takes the vehicles in for oil change or maintenance?

Who seasonable takes care of the home and property or identifies needed repairs/ arranges them?

There are lots near the airport where you can leave your car and they wil get the oil changed while you are on a business trip. And you are suggesting that this is the equivalent of making dinner every single night? In what possible universe?

Yea, men investment into household repairs is well overinflated.
I’m divorced for 5 years. It’s a very little money and effort to just call plumbers, garage door techs etc. it’s a relief ! Such a great feeling that I don’t need to nag anyone and feel obligated and forever grateful to husband for doing an oil change !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quiet quitting has its own emotional baggage but after on and off marriage therapy and years of clashing over his lack of interest, I see my husband is willing to put time and effort into everything except me and kids. I suggest going out one evening, he's too busy. I try to get us to sit down for a chat, he's too tired. The kids want to play a game, he's reading. But one of his friends calls, or he is asked by a vague acquaintance to help with something, and he miraculously has the time. I have a good job so I can support myself and only 1 kid left at home and will graduate soon from high school. Right now I want to do a year of therapy and make sure my reasoning is sound. I know it's never just one person's fault, but I also know it does take two to fix things. And right now, there's just one of us trying.

Who remembers or takes the vehicles in for oil change or maintenance?

Who seasonable takes care of the home and property or identifies needed repairs/ arranges them?

There are lots near the airport where you can leave your car and they wil get the oil changed while you are on a business trip. And you are suggesting that this is the equivalent of making dinner every single night? In what possible universe?

And it's not just making dinner every single night. It's planning the dinners, getting the groceries, and timing the meals around the family's schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quiet quitting has its own emotional baggage but after on and off marriage therapy and years of clashing over his lack of interest, I see my husband is willing to put time and effort into everything except me and kids. I suggest going out one evening, he's too busy. I try to get us to sit down for a chat, he's too tired. The kids want to play a game, he's reading. But one of his friends calls, or he is asked by a vague acquaintance to help with something, and he miraculously has the time. I have a good job so I can support myself and only 1 kid left at home and will graduate soon from high school. Right now I want to do a year of therapy and make sure my reasoning is sound. I know it's never just one person's fault, but I also know it does take two to fix things. And right now, there's just one of us trying.

Who remembers or takes the vehicles in for oil change or maintenance?

Who seasonable takes care of the home and property or identifies needed repairs/ arranges them?

There are lots near the airport where you can leave your car and they wil get the oil changed while you are on a business trip. And you are suggesting that this is the equivalent of making dinner every single night? In what possible universe?

And it's not just making dinner every single night. It's planning the dinners, getting the groceries, and timing the meals around the family's schedule.

Yes! Honestly, if one of us did the planning and shopping and the other did the cooking and dishes, I would consider that a 50/50 split. I would take either job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there doing that. He hasn't noticed yet

It took six months for my husband to notice.

He noticed, but assumed you were busy and forgot. Nobody is perfect and he knew you are running non stop, so no need to jump in with additional oversight. Then it became a pattern, but he didn’t want to start a fight by asking about you not doing things that you have always done.

In other words, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on so will just shush up and stay for the free childcare, cooking, cleaning, scheduling.

Yup. Men who are “afraid to start a fight” are really little boys afraid to talk about anything. They can’t express their needs, can’t see their wife’s needs and act like little babies at the slightest expression of dissatisfaction at home, in the relationship, or in bed. I can’t think of anything that dries me up more than a man like this.

It’s more like picking fights worth having, most of the women in my life fight about little things and avoid dealing with the major issues. Why create unnecessary animosity when there are bigger issues to tackle?

More like why pick a fight because it just exposes that he does nothing for the family, household or kids than focus on himself & send a paycheck over. He’d be exposed again if he tackles any small or large issue. So he quietly neglects everyone and tags along when convenient. Like a leech.

Try reading my comment from the perspective that I am not defending myself or your husband. It will take you separating your life to look at the bigger picture, as I am just trying to offer another perspective.

Most of the quiet quitting examples are minor in nature and could be explained as being unusually busy or simply forgetting something. Are those instances worth starting a fight over? I would argue no, especially with someone who displays your contempt here and I haven’t even disappointed you in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there doing that. He hasn't noticed yet

It took six months for my husband to notice.

He noticed, but assumed you were busy and forgot. Nobody is perfect and he knew you are running non stop, so no need to jump in with additional oversight. Then it became a pattern, but he didn’t want to start a fight by asking about you not doing things that you have always done.

In other words, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on so will just shush up and stay for the free childcare, cooking, cleaning, scheduling.

Yup. Men who are “afraid to start a fight” are really little boys afraid to talk about anything. They can’t express their needs, can’t see their wife’s needs and act like little babies at the slightest expression of dissatisfaction at home, in the relationship, or in bed. I can’t think of anything that dries me up more than a man like this.

It’s more like picking fights worth having, most of the women in my life fight about little things and avoid dealing with the major issues. Why create unnecessary animosity when there are bigger issues to tackle?

More like why pick a fight because it just exposes that he does nothing for the family, household or kids than focus on himself & send a paycheck over. He’d be exposed again if he tackles any small or large issue. So he quietly neglects everyone and tags along when convenient. Like a leech.

Try reading my comment from the perspective that I am not defending myself or your husband. It will take you separating your life to look at the bigger picture, as I am just trying to offer another perspective.

Most of the quiet quitting examples are minor in nature and could be explained as being unusually busy or simply forgetting something. Are those instances worth starting a fight over? I would argue no, especially with someone who displays your contempt here and I haven’t even disappointed you in real life.

Why can’t you ask your wife what’s going on with her, but not fight with her about it?