my husband's mother hit my kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Eventually, in 1 or 5 or 10 years, he will put his shoes on right away when you ask him to. Gentle parenting works, just be patient.

:shock: when you are late for work, you don't have 1 or 5 or 10 years to be patient to have them follow directions and get ready for school.

If your household is so disorganized you have to hit children to be on time for work, you have no place criticizing any other parent.

oh, so you've never been late to work?

I’ve been late to work, I’ve never considered resorting to hitting a toddler because of it. The solution to being late to work is adults having better time management not worse impulse control.

How do you time manage your way out of a preschooler (not a toddler) throwing a tantrum? Do you get yourself and said preschooler up an hour early to allow time for the tantrum? What if he’s extra cranky (probably due to the inadequate sleep) and he keeps going? What if your arm is broken or you have a bad back and you can’t physically carry him to the car?

Please tell us how better time management solves this problem.

An hour? No. However I get myself up and ready way before my kids, make sure I’ve had breakfast and looked at email and am not running around disorganized and rushed. The clothes are all out and ready and if I had a kid who really struggled with shoes I would let them wear Crocs or slip ons before I would resort to hitting them. If a kid needed to throw a 15 minute tantrum I still wouldn’t be late to work and I wouldn’t need to hit them.

How do you think all the other parents get their kids to school and themselves to work without hitting their kids? Do that.

Did it ever occur to you that kids aren't all the same? You have a very limited sample size. And some tantrums last more than 15 minutes. But you wouldn't have any idea because you can't fathom walking a mile in anyone else's shoes.

If a tantrum is lasting longer than 15 minutes, it's likely the child isn't neurotypical. You sound like an amazing parent for hitting them instead of getting them evaluated. That'll go over really well with their teachers in school!

Silly you assuming everyone has neurotypical kids that do everything they're supposed to within the time constraints you provide!
Maybe stay in your lane and stop doling out parenting advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Do you hit your child to get them to put their shoes on?

No, never. I just live in seething resentment and rage because I have zero control over my life and am exhausted from physically moving my heavy non-cooperative child all day, because that’s the only thing you are allowed to do in gentle parenting when all the waiting and cajoling and choices fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Do you hit your child to get them to put their shoes on?

DP. It's not so much about hitting or swatting or time-outs or whatever. It's about expectations and enforcement of behavior. Or, in gentle parenting, having no expectation or enforcement of behavior because that is antithetical to gentle parenting.

Wrong. Gentle parenting insists that you set clear boundaries and expectations. The problem is it gives you ZERO tools to enforce. It’s big on natural consequences, but you quickly find most natural consequences of bad child behavior are not acceptable; no one is willing to let their kid get hit by a car for not hand holding, get cavities for refusing tooth brushing, or drag the family into financial ruin because they refuse to get out the door to go to daycare so parents can work. You can’t yell, bribe, or punish. So you’re stuck cajoling, waiting, talking about feelings, and mostly just hoping that if you’re nice to your kids they’ll start getting with the program and behaving better. But they never do, in my experience.

[Anonymous]

I don’t believe in gentle parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not hard. My son was refusing to do something and giving her a hard time. She essentially spanked him on his leg. He didn't even cry- just yelled out "Ow! Don't hit me, Grammy!". I ran in from the other room and she admitted it right away. She said that she was really frustrated and apologized to both my son and me. I am SO angry but my husband is shrugging it off. He thinks I am being dramatic. I don't want her to babysit anymore. WWYD?

I agree with the grandmother.

I agree with an adult hitting a tiny child is a wonderful take. Congrats. You surely win parenting

[Anonymous]

The hyperbole queens are having a field day on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Do you hit your child to get them to put their shoes on?

DP. It's not so much about hitting or swatting or time-outs or whatever. It's about expectations and enforcement of behavior. Or, in gentle parenting, having no expectation or enforcement of behavior because that is antithetical to gentle parenting.

Wrong. Gentle parenting insists that you set clear boundaries and expectations. The problem is it gives you ZERO tools to enforce. It’s big on natural consequences, but you quickly find most natural consequences of bad child behavior are not acceptable; no one is willing to let their kid get hit by a car for not hand holding, get cavities for refusing tooth brushing, or drag the family into financial ruin because they refuse to get out the door to go to daycare so parents can work. You can’t yell, bribe, or punish. So you’re stuck cajoling, waiting, talking about feelings, and mostly just hoping that if you’re nice to your kids they’ll start getting with the program and behaving better. But they never do, in my experience.

Thank you. It also assumes the kids have no siblings who will be affected by being late, leaving the park, whatever the natural consequence entails

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For OP to be so angry about a one-off incident would indicate that there is more going on in this triangle of MIL-DH-and OP. Does your husband tend to take his mother's side in an argument? Do you resent her frequent presence in your home?

So many mothers get on this power trip withholding their children because of very petty things. We don’t hit our children but I’m not gonna lose sleep if someone slaps a leg that refuses to be still and put some shoes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe in gentle parenting

Then don’t gentle parent. No one says you have to. By the choices aren’t binary between gentle parenting or hitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would give her a second chance, but not a third.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any child who was physically struck cannot ever grow up to be a normal, productive member of society.

What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would give her a second chance, but not a third.

+1

This

[Anonymous]

Hit her back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Do you hit your child to get them to put their shoes on?

No, never. I just live in seething resentment and rage because I have zero control over my life and am exhausted from physically moving my heavy non-cooperative child all day, because that’s the only thing you are allowed to do in gentle parenting when all the waiting and cajoling and choices fail.

What keeps you from switching to another non-violent form of parenting? There’s literature supporting systems like 1-2-3 Magic, and no literature supporting hitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the d

oor and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Do you hit your child to get them to put their shoes on?

No, never. I just live in seething resentment and rage because I have zero control over my life and am exhausted from physically moving my heavy non-cooperative child all day, because that’s the only thing you are allowed to do in gentle parenting when all the waiting and cajoling and choices fail.

What keeps you from switching to another non-violent form of parenting? There’s literature supporting systems like 1-2-3 Magic, and no literature supporting hitting.

Time outs are abusive because they withhold love from the child.

And all of these behavioral techniques including 1-2-3 and time outs are coercive and manipulative which is antithetical to gentle parenting.