my husband's mother hit my kid

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Eventually, in 1 or 5 or 10 years, he will put his shoes on right away when you ask him to. Gentle parenting works, just be patient.

when you are late for work, you don't have 1 or 5 or 10 years to be patient to have them follow directions and get ready for school.

If your household is so disorganized you have to hit children to be on time for work, you have no place criticizing any other parent.

oh, so you've never been late to work?

I’ve been late to work, I’ve never considered resorting to hitting a toddler because of it. The solution to being late to work is adults having better time management not worse impulse control.

A 4 year old is not a toddler.

I’ve never considered resorting to hitting a child, then, as a solution to time management.

In my household it’s gamified, my sister leaves her kids shoes and backpacks in the car the night before, and I have a friend whose kids wear slip ons year round. All of those are more rational responses than hitting a kid who isn’t getting ready in the timeline you need.

Grandma didn't hit the child because they were running late. She swatted him because he was kicking at her. In a toddler, that might be cute. In a preschooler, it's not cute anymore. It's bad behavior and could be dangerous.

Then you put the shoes down and move to your next thing. You don’t hit a kid, especially because you want them to be *less* physical.

Kicking at or hitting towards an adult is not to be tolerated. You can gentle parent all your want. I wouldn't ignore that behavior. I told my kids No in my growliest Mom voice. A swat doesn't seem out of line.

And yet the kid didn’t say grandma “swatted” him nor is that what the grandma said. Why do you feel so uncomfortable saying what they did— hit— if it’s so in line?

Kids have a limited vocabulary. They also say they are dying when they are hungry or thirsty. Or they say someone pushed them when they merely bumped into each other. That doesn't mean he was viciously savaged by grandma for being obstinate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many sanctimonious parents on this thread.

We don’t spank our children because we are blessed with well-behaved children, but both of us were spanked as kids and I dont find it that bad. It never actually hurt me and all it did was deliver negative consequences for inappropriate actions.

So much of the research (as are many psychological studies) on all of the stuff related to this is so flawed (sometimes the conclusions, sometimes the study design, sometimes both), maybe it’s accurate but I find it rather unconvincing.

So it doesnt matter how accurate it is, you won't listen to studies on how hitting children is bad? Ok then.

They are never going to come out and say "some light swats are ok, but full on spanking is bad". It's like NO amount of alcohol in pregnancy is safe. That's not true but they can't really say exactly how much is ok so it's just a blanket guidance of none because it's easier than trying to determine safe vs not safe. But clearly some is ok.

Also consider that correlation is not necessarily causation. Does the spanking cause future maladjusted behavior, or are children who are prone to become maladjusted adults more likely to engage in behaviors as children that result in spanking?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Eventually, in 1 or 5 or 10 years, he will put his shoes on right away when you ask him to. Gentle parenting works, just be patient.

when you are late for work, you don't have 1 or 5 or 10 years to be patient to have them follow directions and get ready for school.

If your household is so disorganized you have to hit children to be on time for work, you have no place criticizing any other parent.

oh, so you've never been late to work?

I’ve been late to work, I’ve never considered resorting to hitting a toddler because of it. The solution to being late to work is adults having better time management not worse impulse control.

How do you time manage your way out of a preschooler (not a toddler) throwing a tantrum? Do you get yourself and said preschooler up an hour early to allow time for the tantrum? What if he’s extra cranky (probably due to the inadequate sleep) and he keeps going? What if your arm is broken or you have a bad back and you can’t physically carry him to the car?

Please tell us how better time management solves this problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Declining impulse control can be a sign of dementia. Has your MIL ever done this before? Did she hit your husband growing up? If this is truly aberrant behavior I would concerned for your MIL, but since your DH seems blasé about it, I would assume she did worse to him growing up and he’s learned to normalize it.

I would under no circumstances let her be alone with your child again, impulse control is unlikely to improve.

Will OP let her husband take DS to his mother's house alone? I can see this causing a rift between OP and DH.

[Anonymous]

100% on board with Grandma. Sometimes a swat is necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not hard. My son was refusing to do something and giving her a hard time. She essentially spanked him on his leg. He didn't even cry- just yelled out "Ow! Don't hit me, Grammy!". I ran in from the other room and she admitted it right away. She said that she was really frustrated and apologized to both my son and me. I am SO angry but my husband is shrugging it off. He thinks I am being dramatic. I don't want her to babysit anymore. WWYD?

Maybe you should teach him some manners.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Eventually, in 1 or 5 or 10 years, he will put his shoes on right away when you ask him to. Gentle parenting works, just be patient.

:shock: when you are late for work, you don't have 1 or 5 or 10 years to be patient to have them follow directions and get ready for school.

If your household is so disorganized you have to hit children to be on time for work, you have no place criticizing any other parent.

oh, so you've never been late to work?

I’ve been late to work, I’ve never considered resorting to hitting a toddler because of it. The solution to being late to work is adults having better time management not worse impulse control.

How do you time manage your way out of a preschooler (not a toddler) throwing a tantrum? Do you get yourself and said preschooler up an hour early to allow time for the tantrum? What if he’s extra cranky (probably due to the inadequate sleep) and he keeps going? What if your arm is broken or you have a bad back and you can’t physically carry him to the car?

Please tell us how better time management solves this problem.

An hour? No. However I get myself up and ready way before my kids, make sure I’ve had breakfast and looked at email and am not running around disorganized and rushed. The clothes are all out and ready and if I had a kid who really struggled with shoes I would let them wear Crocs or slip ons before I would resort to hitting them. If a kid needed to throw a 15 minute tantrum I still wouldn’t be late to work and I wouldn’t need to hit them.

How do you think all the other parents get their kids to school and themselves to work without hitting their kids? Do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Declining impulse control can be a sign of dementia. Has your MIL ever done this before? Did she hit your husband growing up? If this is truly aberrant behavior I would concerned for your MIL, but since your DH seems blasé about it, I would assume she did worse to him growing up and he’s learned to normalize it.

I would under no circumstances let her be alone with your child again, impulse control is unlikely to improve.

Will OP let her husband take DS to his mother's house alone? I can see this causing a rift between OP and DH.

That’s probably low-risk since the kid is verbal and will tell his mother if the grandmother hits again, even if the dad tries to brush it under the rug. Bonus he’ll probably also tell his mother if dad tries to tell him to keep it a secret.

The high risk is putting the kid in a situation that is only him and grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any child who was physically struck cannot ever grow up to be a normal, productive member of society.

Bull. Hitting or beating a child or an adult is horrible but some kids are such horrible brats that a swat on the bottom is necessary. OP's little snowflake was disrespectful to his grandmother and that is inexcusable.

I would have apologized and asked them to leave and not come back until he had been taught manners 101.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:100% on board with Grandma. Sometimes a swat is necessary.

Amen!

[Anonymous]

Team Grandma here. Would swat OP.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Eventually, in 1 or 5 or 10 years, he will put his shoes on right away when you ask him to. Gentle parenting works, just be patient.

:shock: when you are late for work, you don't have 1 or 5 or 10 years to be patient to have them follow directions and get ready for school.

If your household is so disorganized you have to hit children to be on time for work, you have no place criticizing any other parent.

oh, so you've never been late to work?

I’ve been late to work, I’ve never considered resorting to hitting a toddler because of it. The solution to being late to work is adults having better time management not worse impulse control.

How do you time manage your way out of a preschooler (not a toddler) throwing a tantrum? Do you get yourself and said preschooler up an hour early to allow time for the tantrum? What if he’s extra cranky (probably due to the inadequate sleep) and he keeps going? What if your arm is broken or you have a bad back and you can’t physically carry him to the car?

Please tell us how better time management solves this problem.

An hour? No. However I get myself up and ready way before my kids, make sure I’ve had breakfast and looked at email and am not running around disorganized and rushed. The clothes are all out and ready and if I had a kid who really struggled with shoes I would let them wear Crocs or slip ons before I would resort to hitting them. If a kid needed to throw a 15 minute tantrum I still wouldn’t be late to work and I wouldn’t need to hit them.

How do you think all the other parents get their kids to school and themselves to work without hitting their kids? Do that.

Did it ever occur to you that kids aren't all the same? You have a very limited sample size. And some tantrums last more than 15 minutes. But you wouldn't have any idea because you can't fathom walking a mile in anyone else's shoes.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Eventually, in 1 or 5 or 10 years, he will put his shoes on right away when you ask him to. Gentle parenting works, just be patient.

when you are late for work, you don't have 1 or 5 or 10 years to be patient to have them follow directions and get ready for school.

If your household is so disorganized you have to hit children to be on time for work, you have no place criticizing any other parent.

oh, so you've never been late to work?

I’ve been late to work, I’ve never considered resorting to hitting a toddler because of it. The solution to being late to work is adults having better time management not worse impulse control.

A 4 year old is not a toddler.

I’ve never considered resorting to hitting a child, then, as a solution to time management.

In my household it’s gamified, my sister leaves her kids shoes and backpacks in the car the night before, and I have a friend whose kids wear slip ons year round. All of those are more rational responses than hitting a kid who isn’t getting ready in the timeline you need.

Grandma didn't hit the child because they were running late. She swatted him because he was kicking at her. In a toddler, that might be cute. In a preschooler, it's not cute anymore. It's bad behavior and could be dangerous.

Then you put the shoes down and move to your next thing. You don’t hit a kid, especially because you want them to be *less* physical.

Kicking at or hitting towards an adult is not to be tolerated. You can gentle parent all your want. I wouldn't ignore that behavior. I told my kids No in my growliest Mom voice. A swat doesn't seem out of line.

And yet the kid didn’t say grandma “swatted” him nor is that what the grandma said. Why do you feel so uncomfortable saying what they did— hit— if it’s so in line?

What four year old uses "swat" instead of "hit"?

There is a huge difference between a seat and a hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has been silent for a while.

Note that OP says her husband's mother rather than her MIL. Tells us how she feels about her husband'd mother. She doesn't respect her MIL and her bratty snowflake knows he can do whatever he chooses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

This is where gentle parenting always falls apart and has no answers. When the child does what OPs does when you try to put their shoes on, gentle parenting is silent. Mine screams, tries to kick me, tries to run away, and I’m left with no answers in the moment to deal with this behavior when we really need to get somewhere.

Eventually, in 1 or 5 or 10 years, he will put his shoes on right away when you ask him to. Gentle parenting works, just be patient.

:shock: when you are late for work, you don't have 1 or 5 or 10 years to be patient to have them follow directions and get ready for school.

If your household is so disorganized you have to hit children to be on time for work, you have no place criticizing any other parent.

oh, so you've never been late to work?

I’ve been late to work, I’ve never considered resorting to hitting a toddler because of it. The solution to being late to work is adults having better time management not worse impulse control.

How do you time manage your way out of a preschooler (not a toddler) throwing a tantrum? Do you get yourself and said preschooler up an hour early to allow time for the tantrum? What if he’s extra cranky (probably due to the inadequate sleep) and he keeps going? What if your arm is broken or you have a bad back and you can’t physically carry him to the car?

Please tell us how better time management solves this problem.

An hour? No. However I get myself up and ready way before my kids, make sure I’ve had breakfast and looked at email and am not running around disorganized and rushed. The clothes are all out and ready and if I had a kid who really struggled with shoes I would let them wear Crocs or slip ons before I would resort to hitting them. If a kid needed to throw a 15 minute tantrum I still wouldn’t be late to work and I wouldn’t need to hit them.

How do you think all the other parents get their kids to school and themselves to work without hitting their kids? Do that.

Did it ever occur to you that kids aren't all the same? You have a very limited sample size. And some tantrums last more than 15 minutes. But you wouldn't have any idea because you can't fathom walking a mile in anyone else's shoes.

If a tantrum is lasting longer than 15 minutes, it's likely the child isn't neurotypical. You sound like an amazing parent for hitting them instead of getting them evaluated. That'll go over really well with their teachers in school!