Maybe he doesn't think that -- all of the "90%" work at home that she does -- all needs to get done.
That's the disconnect. It's not that he's unwilling to do his share. He just doesn't agree with what the share is. Leaving a dish on the couch for a few minutes ... the horror! |
Seems likely OP is a troll, esp with the dolling out details. Has she been back recently?
If not, the waking up in a rage suggests underlying mental health issues that need medical attention imo. Anything else is secondary. Sounds like mood issues that have worsened in peri, perhaps. Happens. |
My kids are 10 and they still sometimes leave socks lying around. It happens. I calmly ask them to please bring them to their room and they will calmly do so. I don't say "I am SHOCKED that you left your socks out again! Are you seriously going to keep doing that?!" I guess we all have to pick the hills we are willing to die on. |
Nope. I'm totally Type A and very anal. I like everything in the fridge to face forward. But you know what? I can either drive myself crazy trying to control everything, or I can take a second to think about whether or not something REALLY matters. If you think that means I'm trying to be so cool, then ok. To me, it's a better way to live than to be uptight all the time. And it takes work for me to chill out, but it's worth the effort. |
This isn't actually how the world works. Just because something bothers me does not mean that the rest of the world needs to cater to my preference. Do you people really think this is how things work? And yes, your husband is obviously supposed to care more about you than some random person at the grocery store, but still, it is insane to expect someone to respect your OPINION all the time, especially if their opinion conflicts with yours. I like sliding into a neatly made bed at night. My husband doesn't care if the sheets are rumpled. Who is right? The answer is, we're both entitled to our opinions, and since I care about the bed, I make it. Simple solution. |
I will give OP the benefit of the doubt and say that she does not see how the plate is a red herring that she has chosen to focus on because she is unable or unwilling to acknowledge the bigger problems in her marriage. She says multiple times that he's a wonderful husband and they have no big issues...and then says that she does everything and has a ton of resentment for her husband. So something is clearly very wrong with their marriage but instead of dealing with the bigger, harder issue, she is choosing to pick ridiculous fights about plates. Hopefully she'll see that. But I don't disagree with your point that it sounds like OP is making a much bigger deal out of things than is warranted, and that is likely contributing to the bigger issues in her marriage. |
I'm the PP. To be clear, I don't have complaints about my husband, nor do I ignore the time and effort he puts into the things that he does (some of which are the same as what I do, like childcare, others of which are wholly his responsibility such as yardwork). I was more reacting to the fact that both OP and that other PP seemed to say things in this marriage are great EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THE HUSBAND DOES NOTHING. It seems like they're both missing the boat. This marriage isn't great. But picking a fight about a plate isn't going to help anything. So you and I are on the same page. Sorry I wasn't clearer. |
OP, you and DH are in a behavior feedback loop, and you need to break it. He does X, you get upset and criticize, he defends himself, and it goes on until the next day, when you are still angry and he concedes something. If it's the same thing every time, then you need to change your behavior at the beginning of the pattern, and then he'll change his. For example, if the typical pattern is that he does something you think isn't ok and you demand to know how he could do that, try doing something different. Like, maybe he puts the plate on the couch, and instead of angrily demanding how he could do such a thing, just ask nicely if he could put the plate in the sink. Or maybe just ignore it. You need to stop that escalation of the little thing into an argument, and you can't control him, so you need to make a change on your end - not in your feelings, but in the action or actions that launch the two of you into that feedback loop that creates bad feelings. |
It's death by a thousand papercuts. Marriages don't have to end because of catastrophic stuff. It can be that at a certain point, one partner gets tired of compromising. Gets tired of the dirty socks everywhere, the dishes that aren't put away, the bathroom that is always gross, the car filled with detritus, whatever. And says - you know what? I don't want to do this anymore. You hope that in a good marriage it doesn't get to that point - because both people are considerate of the others and because the positives of the relationship outweigh those compromises. It sounds like OP is reaching the point where she doesn't feel that way anymore. That dish on the couch is a last straw. Or maybe she was just in a bad mood and today dishes could be everywhere and she wouldn't care! If my spouse told me that something I was doing bothered them that much - and it was such an easy thing to not do - I would xhange it. It's not like she's saying she can't stand being around him and there's not much he can do. Or that he needs to lose 100 pounds or she'll leave him. She's just asking him to put away the dish. It's really not big. |
This was the dynamic in our house growing up and now my mom wonders why we don’t visit and limit her access to our kids. Gee, mom, why wouldn’t I want my kids exposed to your toxicity so that they too can learn to walk on eggshells? |
You contradict yourself. You did not have a blow up fight and he conceded the next morning. So he did budge in your favor. You are making mountains out of mole hills. |
The other side of this coin is death by a thousand nagging complaints. You don’t think her husband might also be close to his breaking point with her uptight, controlling behavior? |
You're right, a dish is not a big thing, so OP shouldn't have brought it up. There are two sides to that coin... |
Obviously she figured out something she'd omitted from her OP. It happens. Welcome to DCUM! |
Your dad was as slob who refused to clean up behind yourself, your mom felt worn down by the constant disrespect, and you blame your mom? |