Bar Mitzvah Gift Amount at Wealthy Private Schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

Sad that you remember who gave what all these years later.

Lol, I hadn't remembered but my kids recently got bat mitzvah'd so it came up in talking with my parents. My sister reminded us that my parents had a huge spreadsheet of everyone invited, whether they were attending, how many in their party, what gift they gave, if we sent out a thank you card. My mother keeps score - she's the one who knew exactly who gave the least and the bracelet. She also made me invite about 20 rich relatives I'd never heard of saying "Don't worry - they won't come, but they'll send a big check." I vowed not to do that with my kids. But I do appreciate getting through college without needing to take out loans.

Yep, my mom is special like that. When I was 12 and babysitting every single Saturday night for one family and they didn't give me anything for Hanukah (they were jewish too) when my mother found out she promptly said, "We'll invite them to your bat mitzvah - they'll HAVE to give you a gift for that." She did the same thing for my high school graduation party - I wanted to invite about 40 friends, figuring around 20-25 would come. She invited like 60 extra people, to get me more gifts. I knew she'd try to do the same thing for my wedding, so to bypass that, DH and I paid for it ourselves so we were in control of who was invited. She gave me a list of people to send baby announcements to, too, for the same reason.

Disgusting. Not something I would be proud of and telling others about.

Yes please do not tell this story. I am embarrassed to have people think most families think this way when planning Bat Mitzahs.

[Anonymous]

Spin off question - save the date for a bat mitzvah in October for entire grade was sent out in the spring for a girl my son has yet to meet. Outdoor tent pizza event. $36 okay? Do kids give hard cash in a card?

[Anonymous]

I doubt $54 even covers the cost of the guest giving the cash gift. That's a net loss. I'd guess an average one it costs maybe $125 per guest? I don't know, the last one I attended cost $250,000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spin off question - save the date for a bat mitzvah in October for entire grade was sent out in the spring for a girl my son has yet to meet. Outdoor tent pizza event. $36 okay? Do kids give hard cash in a card?

Fine..for a random school "friend" treat it like a bday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

You sound greedy and ridiculous

You think I'm greedy because I give every kid at least $108? Not sure I follow your logic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spin off question - save the date for a bat mitzvah in October for entire grade was sent out in the spring for a girl my son has yet to meet. Outdoor tent pizza event. $36 okay? Do kids give hard cash in a card?

Never give cash as a gift. You write a check. $36 is low, but the people on here from Ohio will say it's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spin off question - save the date for a bat mitzvah in October for entire grade was sent out in the spring for a girl my son has yet to meet. Outdoor tent pizza event. $36 okay? Do kids give hard cash in a card?

Never give cash as a gift. You write a check. $36 is low, but the people on here from Ohio will say it's fine.

Gift card to Amazon or a favorite type of store (like REI for a camper kid) is fine too. I have posted before my sons most remembered and appreciated gift was a specialty backpacking tent from an uncle. I am not even sure I would attend the event you are describing unless they become friends honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

You sound greedy and ridiculous

You think I'm greedy because I give every kid at least $108? Not sure I follow your logic.

Give it up NYC nobody agrees with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt $54 even covers the cost of the guest giving the cash gift. That's a net loss. I'd guess an average one it costs maybe $125 per guest? I don't know, the last one I attended cost $250,000.

Your gift does not have to cover the host’s cost of having you as a guest. They aren’t inviting you to help pay for the event, at least I hope not. Such a gross attitude. I invited all my child’s classmates because I wanted to be inclusive and because it’s nice to have a lot of people to celebrate with. Not because I wanted them to cover my costs of throwing a bar mitzvah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

NY/NJ is a totally different ballgame. Rules are y there. Same for weddings where $100 is absolutely not ok to give. Here, people are cheap, and it’s fine. Op if you are in DC $54 or even $36 is fine.

Yes, NY is a whole 'nother scene. I got absolute hell from a family member for a $100 wedding gift once. I had no idea...

[Anonymous]

$36 classmate
$54 friend

My kid went to about 20 of these in 2019 between classmates, neighbors and sports team friends.
I did not have more than $1000 in my yearly budget for these gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yea, $50 is perfect unless you're not comfortable with that much - then give less! I promise the kid is going to get *plenty* of money from family so no one will care. Hope your child has fun!

Oh I forgot to say that it would be an absolutely lovely gesture to give in a multiple of 18 as the number symbolises "chai" which is Hebrew for "life." So $36 or $54 would be perfect. As a Jewish parent, it would mean a lot if a non Jewish family showed knowledge of that tradition!

That’s what we (gentiles) always did - gave in multiples of $18 - the closer the friend the larger the amount but never more than x6 for a classmate/child-level friend (ie not family friends). Totally appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I doubt $54 even covers the cost of the guest giving the cash gift. That's a net loss. I'd guess an average one it costs maybe $125 per guest? I don't know, the last one I attended cost $250,000.

Your gift does not have to cover the host’s cost of having you as a guest. They aren’t inviting you to help pay for the event, at least I hope not. Such a gross attitude. I invited all my child’s classmates because I wanted to be inclusive and because it’s nice to have a lot of people to celebrate with. Not because I wanted them to cover my costs of throwing a bar mitzvah.

Agree 100%!

Top Poster’s attitude is terribly distasteful and just not okay. Same kind of people (NOKD) who think a wedding gift should be more expensive than the cost for a wedding guest(s). Nobody, NOBODY, from a respectable background would ever even think this, much less actually say it. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

Sad that you remember who gave what all these years later.

Lol, I hadn't remembered but my kids recently got bat mitzvah'd so it came up in talking with my parents. My sister reminded us that my parents had a huge spreadsheet of everyone invited, whether they were attending, how many in their party, what gift they gave, if we sent out a thank you card. My mother keeps score - she's the one who knew exactly who gave the least and the bracelet. She also made me invite about 20 rich relatives I'd never heard of saying "Don't worry - they won't come, but they'll send a big check." I vowed not to do that with my kids. But I do appreciate getting through college without needing to take out loans.

Please don’t tell this again. You are playing directly into the WORST kind of stereotypes. Seriously. It’s making me sick to my stomach. It’s also a betrayal of your mom. I doubt she told people outside of her family/friends that she did/thought this way. It’s just an awful thing to throw out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

Sad that you remember who gave what all these years later.

This.