When your child is very different than you - looks, popularity etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

I see this a lot. Parents who are Type A and very high achieving and kids who just...aren't meeting that bar. I think a lot of it has to do with them seeing something that they read as not worth it and just opting out. In some cases, not trying because they don't want to fail or disappoint. In other cases, seeing the end-goal and thinking "if all this gets me is a regular house and a regular life and a tightly wound personality, no thanks."

You’re absolutely correct that I’m type A. I don’t judge myself by her success at all. I just want her to be happy and surrounded by people that care about her. And I don’t see that happening and I’m at a loss in how to deal with it. And yet admitting that gets ridiculed, which is exactly why I don’t speak about it and am completely alone on this parenting journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible childhood and I am giving my daughter an awesome childhood. It's very therapeutic.

I think the psychology term for it is "reparenting." You get to heal the wounds from your past by making it right the next time around.

So, my kid is better than me. It's a wonder to experience.

I realize I did a lot of stuff to fit in and worked hard to get opportunities like going to a good college 3,000 miles away out of fear/survival. It wasn’t enjoyable. My kids seem pretty motivated but are motivated by other things like love of sports and school , which makes me happy… as you said, reparenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible childhood and I am giving my daughter an awesome childhood. It's very therapeutic.

I think the psychology term for it is "reparenting." You get to heal the wounds from your past by making it right the next time around.

So, my kid is better than me. It's a wonder to experience.

You are not parenting her the way you were parented - which is good if your parents were bad. Don’t think for a second to aren’t making mistakes that have long term consequences. Read the F*%k you up. There really is no way around it. And if your kid don’t complain about the way they were parented (as one of the PPs said) it just means they don’t talk to you about it. I didnt complain to my parents either and they were well below average- emotional neglect bad - no physical or sexual harm. But with parents who genuinely think they were great - it’s pointless to tell them otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible childhood and I am giving my daughter an awesome childhood. It's very therapeutic.

I think the psychology term for it is "reparenting." You get to heal the wounds from your past by making it right the next time around.

So, my kid is better than me. It's a wonder to experience.

You are not parenting her the way you were parented - which is good if your parents were bad. Don’t think for a second to aren’t making mistakes that have long term consequences. Read the F*%k you up. There really is no way around it. And if your kid don’t complain about the way they were parented (as one of the PPs said) it just means they don’t talk to you about it. I didnt complain to my parents either and they were well below average- emotional neglect bad - no physical or sexual harm. But with parents who genuinely think they were great - it’s pointless to tell them otherwise.

Wow you are rude…also what does “read the f—k you up” mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

You’re ok looking with a middling PhD and a nerd spouse. Not model gorgeous with extreme ambition.

Yes, I’m totally ok with my “middling” life - I actually love my life, nerd spouse, and unambitious daughter - doesn’t stop me from feeling ill equipped to parent her. I would like to see my daughter surrounded by friends who care about her with a career she loves - and she’s not on that track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible childhood and I am giving my daughter an awesome childhood. It's very therapeutic.

I think the psychology term for it is "reparenting." You get to heal the wounds from your past by making it right the next time around.

So, my kid is better than me. It's a wonder to experience.

You are not parenting her the way you were parented - which is good if your parents were bad. Don’t think for a second to aren’t making mistakes that have long term consequences. Read the F*%k you up. There really is no way around it. And if your kid don’t complain about the way they were parented (as one of the PPs said) it just means they don’t talk to you about it. I didnt complain to my parents either and they were well below average- emotional neglect bad - no physical or sexual harm. But with parents who genuinely think they were great - it’s pointless to tell them otherwise.

Wow you are rude…also what does “read the f—k you up” mean?

It’s a title of a really good parenting book by Oliver James. It was a bestseller in the UK. Honesty is uncomfortable - not necessarily rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible childhood and I am giving my daughter an awesome childhood. It's very therapeutic.

I think the psychology term for it is "reparenting." You get to heal the wounds from your past by making it right the next time around.

So, my kid is better than me. It's a wonder to experience.

+1

I grew up with overachieving parents (who consider themselves intellectuals) and it was a suffocating experience. I was made to feel I never measured up despite being quite an overachiever myself. So I vowed to never compare my kids to anyone especially me or DH (who is one of smartest ppl I know), never judge and simply to love and nurture them in every way possible. They have turned out to be wonderful people first and foremost. They are also accomplished, multi talented and socially well adapted. Most importantly, they are not copies of DH and I although their share traits w us. They are their own people. It is indeed a very rewarding experience.

I have watched many friends struggle as they come from a part of the world where parents are the mold for the kids to conform to. The family relationship is fraught from day one as the kids are constantly judged and criticized, from physical appearance (ie: why are you shorter than your mom or dad, why do you not have big eyes like your mom or dad, why are you darker than your mom or dad) to intelligence (ie: how can you not do this when I was the smartest kid in my class), to physical ability (ie: how can you not throw the ball properly when I am the star basketball player, how come you gain weight so easily when I am still slender in my 50s). The parents always feel they are the best and they know it all. When the kids “act” out or push back, they blame on the kids’ personality and how they just aren’t cut from the same cloth. An acquaintance recently told her DD that if she knew the DD would dislike her childhood this much, then she should’ve never given birth to her. Most kids in our culture can’t wait to leave home and never look back. The parents again bad mouth these kids, calling them ungrateful. It is so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible childhood and I am giving my daughter an awesome childhood. It's very therapeutic.

I think the psychology term for it is "reparenting." You get to heal the wounds from your past by making it right the next time around.

So, my kid is better than me. It's a wonder to experience.

You are not parenting her the way you were parented - which is good if your parents were bad. Don’t think for a second to aren’t making mistakes that have long term consequences. Read the F*%k you up. There really is no way around it. And if your kid don’t complain about the way they were parented (as one of the PPs said) it just means they don’t talk to you about it. I didnt complain to my parents either and they were well below average- emotional neglect bad - no physical or sexual harm. But with parents who genuinely think they were great - it’s pointless to tell them otherwise.

I am that PP. Sorry for your bad childhood, but you are projecting. I didn’t say anywhere that I think I am a great parent - I said my kids are not complaining. Meaning that they feel in control of their lives and do not attribute their lapses to the irreversible damage I’ve done to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only painful part is when the high schooler talks about people at school and how "cool" they are or how they won't sit with her or talk to her much and then I see these kids and they are absolute losers. Like people who would have been absolutely torn down in the vicious 90s of my times. Like if you were fat and had glasses it was an unfortunate time for you in the 90s. Now these kids are top dogs for some strange reasons.

I just stay quiet because I don't understand the politics and it's only a blip in life before college.

Huh? Is this some magnet school? The popular kids now are the same as when I was in school. The team sports jocks, cute girls, and kids with permissive parents?

Right? Also the rich kids. That was a golden ticket when I was growing up no matter what you looked like.

[Anonymous]

I totally get where you are coming from, OP, even w/o a phd. I am in a similar situation with my DS. I would think it is at least partially hormonal, which is very clear in his case. There are also societal factors at play. When our kids see the impact of AI and how that may affect their future, it can be pretty discouraging to even think about drive.

I also have to admit the path to get there, college, can also be just daunting as well. There are droves of exceptional students being rejected from top tier (even mid tier in some cases) schools. If I were a kid looking at these results, I would wonder what the hell is the point of hustling like this? And as a parent, it is getting increasingly harder to sell this dream.

My strategy right now is to be really repetitive and purposefully naggy about internships/research opportunities and the feasibility of getting into schools he has expressed interest in. Also, anything he shows a slither of fascination about, I will try to find a way he can explore and apply it.

Whatever you decide with your DD, I would take the subtle approach, gently nurturing something you know she likes (a side effect of which could migrate her away from the friend group she is currently in). Don’t push, it could be a rebellious phase that she will outgrow.

[Anonymous]

I was gifted, sickly, and turned out to be unattractive and unambitious despite doing well academically and going to a top college.

My kid is good looking, popular, sporty, and well liked. High energy with lots of interests. He is the extrovert - at age 8 I think he has already said more words than I did my entire K-12 career. He is not gifted especially with pretty much every UMC kid doing supplementation nowadays, but gets mostly As and is in the top level class on track for AAP. I am happy for him because I think he is likely on track to have a more enjoyable life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was gifted, sickly, and turned out to be unattractive and unambitious despite doing well academically and going to a top college.

My kid is good looking, popular, sporty, and well liked. High energy with lots of interests. He is the extrovert - at age 8 I think he has already said more words than I did my entire K-12 career. He is not gifted especially with pretty much every UMC kid doing supplementation nowadays, but gets mostly As and is in the top level class on track for AAP. I am happy for him because I think he is likely on track to have a more enjoyable life.

Why were you sickly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was gifted, sickly, and turned out to be unattractive and unambitious despite doing well academically and going to a top college.

My kid is good looking, popular, sporty, and well liked. High energy with lots of interests. He is the extrovert - at age 8 I think he has already said more words than I did my entire K-12 career. He is not gifted especially with pretty much every UMC kid doing supplementation nowadays, but gets mostly As and is in the top level class on track for AAP. I am happy for him because I think he is likely on track to have a more enjoyable life.

Why were you sickly?

I was born with some health issues and am still small and sickly. I cried A LOT from birth to 1st grade. I'm surprised my mom opted to have more kids after me!

[Anonymous]

We handle it like Frasier Crane's dad did. No two people are exactly alike, so why would you expect your kids to be just like you? Help them develop into who they are meant to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible childhood and I am giving my daughter an awesome childhood. It's very therapeutic.

I think the psychology term for it is "reparenting." You get to heal the wounds from your past by making it right the next time around.

So, my kid is better than me. It's a wonder to experience.

You are not parenting her the way you were parented - which is good if your parents were bad. Don’t think for a second to aren’t making mistakes that have long term consequences. Read the F*%k you up. There really is no way around it. And if your kid don’t complain about the way they were parented (as one of the PPs said) it just means they don’t talk to you about it. I didnt complain to my parents either and they were well below average- emotional neglect bad - no physical or sexual harm. But with parents who genuinely think they were great - it’s pointless to tell them otherwise.

I am that PP. Sorry for your bad childhood, but you are projecting. I didn’t say anywhere that I think I am a great parent - I said my kids are not complaining. Meaning that they feel in control of their lives and do not attribute their lapses to the irreversible damage I’ve done to them.

To you - they don’t tell you! I don’t tell my parents either.