Conversing with people who don't ask you questions

[Anonymous]

I actually often enjoy talking to people who just talk and talk, and I often ask more questions. First, people sometimes reveal very interesting things that go beyond standard small talk. Second, it makes me realize how many people are walking around desperate to feel seen. I don’t mind playing that role in their life.

But I also know what it is and isn’t. Not all relationships are reciprocal. The trick is not hoping for more from people who for whatever reason can’t offer more.

Reciprocal relationships are actually kind of rare. I have a few, and honestly, a few real ones are enough. I try to make the other interactions as positive as possible on whatever terms happen to be there.

[Anonymous]

I always assume these people don’t like me and don’t want to talk to me.
Every conversation I’ve ever had with SIL is like this. I ask questions, she answers them, and then we sit in silence until I ask another question. It’s like pulling teeth and she clearly would prefer to sit in silence. But she has a big friend circle so I know she can’t be like this with everyone!
In short, I take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a colleague with whom I have worked closely for two years. She has NEVER asked a question about me, and will literally come find me in the morning and begin telling me what she did the night before, or what she is planning to do for the weekend, etc. I know all about her boyfriends (she is in an "open relationship" and sleeps with lots of men), her kids and their teacher issues and their horrible father, plus all the details about her divorce and ongoing feud with the ex-spouse.

My theory with these people is that they are deeply insecure because they probably can't udnerstand why they can't make or keep close friendships, which drives them to seek out other people to talk to even more desperately.

Why don’t you ever talk about your life? You just let her talk and when it’s your turn you don’t say anything?

I have a coworker like this. Any questions we ask her get one sentence answers. Very vague answers that don’t allow for any follow up. I’ve noticed no one talks to her now or asks her anything. All of us just assume she’s very private and doesn’t want to talk to us. Sometimes I try very hard and tell her a story about something she’s interested in, but still she doesn’t engage. (For instance about a book I read when I know she’s a big reader) She's a great coworker though.

Because I find her irritating and I have no interest in being her friend? We're colleagues. We have to communicate because we work together, and I wish this woman would just stick to work related necessities so that we could get things done faster. I have no desire at this point to engage with her beyond that.

She is well known at work for this (cornering somebody and just talking on and on about herself at the other person). She has no real friends at work, and this is why. I am sad for her that she does not have the self awareness to understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're having a conversation with someone who doesn't ask you questions, are you supposed to just offer the information about yourself?

For example, we might be having a conversation where I ask some question.They talk for a while in response but then we get to that point of the conversation where they might turn it back saying, "How about you?," or "what's your experience?" they don't. And I tend to not volunteer personal information unsolicited but instead talk more generally about what they just told me.

It occurred to me that there's a lot of people I know a lot about who know basically nothing about me. Should I volunteer more? How?

OMG I could have written this post. I find people who don’t reciprocate questions so puzzling.

As a person who will definitely ask how are you back, I feel extremely uncomfortable asking personal questions. Perhaps it’s cultural but besides the normal questions, I rarely dig and and go beyond and get irritated when others make me feel like I’m in an interview by asking too many follow up questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're having a conversation with someone who doesn't ask you questions, are you supposed to just offer the information about yourself?

For example, we might be having a conversation where I ask some question.They talk for a while in response but then we get to that point of the conversation where they might turn it back saying, "How about you?," or "what's your experience?" they don't. And I tend to not volunteer personal information unsolicited but instead talk more generally about what they just told me.

It occurred to me that there's a lot of people I know a lot about who know basically nothing about me. Should I volunteer more? How?

OMG I could have written this post. I find people who don’t reciprocate questions so puzzling.

As a person who will definitely ask how are you back, I feel extremely uncomfortable asking personal questions. Perhaps it’s cultural but besides the normal questions, I rarely dig and and go beyond and get irritated when others make me feel like I’m in an interview by asking too many follow up questions.

I don't think you need to get too personal in a casual chat, but if it's starting to feel like an interview, you night need to try harder to ask open ended questions that will allow the other person to talk more.

[Anonymous]

This is a pet peeve. But as someone said, you never know what's going on with someone and also some people never learn this back-and-forth chit chat skill (like people who wait for others to reach out/invite but rarely do it themselves.) I try to keep it going a little bit, smiling, but also pause to feel out.

[Anonymous]

I love talking to these people bc I am a private person and I don't need to have more people prying into my recent large business acquisition, my latest property purchase, or which Ivy my kids have applied at. It lets me pretend to be interested in them by asking them questions and letting them talk about themselves, which also leads to information that I can use later.

[Anonymous]

Some people are self-centered and oblivious. Other people are just socially awkward and have no idea how to carry a conversation. Either way, I agree that it’s painful to interact with them. For those who are too scared to ask personal questions, you may come off as one of the above. There is an art to asking non-intrusive questions to keep the conversation going. I worry that social aptitude is a dying skill.

[Anonymous]

I’m so over this. I go into events and work hard to be curious and engaging and nothing in return. I’ve stopped doing it. If you aren’t reasonably reciprocal early then I’m out. I’m not your entertainment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually often enjoy talking to people who just talk and talk, and I often ask more questions. First, people sometimes reveal very interesting things that go beyond standard small talk. Second, it makes me realize how many people are walking around desperate to feel seen. I don’t mind playing that role in their life.

But I also know what it is and isn’t. Not all relationships are reciprocal. The trick is not hoping for more from people who for whatever reason can’t offer more.

Reciprocal relationships are actually kind of rare. I have a few, and honestly, a few real ones are enough. I try to make the other interactions as positive as possible on whatever terms happen to be there.

Wow! That is a very mature perspective. I understand what you mean and I have been that listening person for the majority of my interactions. Problems have arisen for me recently when I really needed an ear. I discovered my friend of 13 years, who considers me a dear friend, is unable to bear even the littlest bit of what I'm going through. I suppose it's on me that I haven't required more of her until now. My attempts to open up were met with her saying, "That sounds hard....my boyfriend Jerry...."

[Anonymous]

It's a fine line, but I don't mind some of these people, particularly the ones who are pretty good storytellers. Unless they are totally socially obtuse, yes they are hoping you also chime in with your own experiences and thoughts without having to make a direct pivot. They're looking for that back and forth without using the talking stick style of communication a PP mentioned.

[Anonymous]

They don’t care. Or they could have auditory processing disorder and it’s really hard for them to follow a conversation so they just answer your questions to be polite and keep it moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always assume these people don’t like me and don’t want to talk to me.
Every conversation I’ve ever had with SIL is like this. I ask questions, she answers them, and then we sit in silence until I ask another question. It’s like pulling teeth and she clearly would prefer to sit in silence. But she has a big friend circle so I know she can’t be like this with everyone!
In short, I take it personally.

I fully understand. You can tell when someone is shy/introverted vs. someone who does not want to talk to you. The former I will gladly be patient with, the latter can go pound sand.

I have the same situation with a family member. She knows absolutely nothing about me because she has never asked me a question about my family, life, etc. and has given me one- or two-word answers for more than 20 years.

I'm done.

[Anonymous]

Both my sister and SIL do this. Drives me nuts. I might say “what are the kids up to this summer?” They proceed to talk about camps, vacation what not. Then, nothing. They aren’t even remotely curious about my kids. Same when I ask about sports/extra curriculars/etc. Or if I ask them about work.

I mean, I don’t understand what we are supposed to talk about.

[Anonymous]

These people who don't ask questions come off as uninterested. The next time I find myself in that situation, I might ask if they want to know anything about me. That should be interesting.