Is it normal not to love your elderly parent who is not abusive or mean?

[Anonymous]

I’m close with my dad, who was a good dad.
My mom was/is a narcissist and we have a complicated relationship. I don’t feel really any love for her like I do my dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles. That said, if she moved close, I would see her. If I found her dull, I would try to find some activities or maybe a senior center.

[Anonymous]

Op, I get it.
How about a mini trip to the store, pet shop, book store, restaurant, coffee shop instead?
Is he able to walk? Take him to a senior or community center to be around peers, like a play date. You will meet other interesting people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Is this OP? If so, invite your dad to some vacations, but not all. You have a responsibility to your own family as well as to your dad. Balancing this shows your child how to balance his life when you become the old person that he is responsible for one day.

Not OP, and my dad wants to come to everything ith us. We never get time with just our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Is this OP? If so, invite your dad to some vacations, but not all. You have a responsibility to your own family as well as to your dad. Balancing this shows your child how to balance his life when you become the old person that he is responsible for one day.

Not OP, and my dad wants to come to everything ith us. We never get time with just our family.

And he can't stay alone. If we are lucky, another family member will take him, but they don't usually want to do that, and of course he wants to come on vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you. Since your dad moved closer to you, he has nothing else going on in his life and has become your "problem" and obligation. You're most likely his only close social interaction. You feel that you're expected to be his everything, while you have your own family and activities and don't want to be all that. It's important for old people to keep their own activities and friendships. Unfortunately for some of us, our parents choices are such that there are no friendships left and suddenly their adult children are expected to fill all the empty holes in their lives. Whose idea was it for him to move close to you?

This is the only post attempting to be helpful and insightful rather than accusatory. OP- is your to-do list already pretty long? I agree with a PP that you may be burning out and not seeing it.

Give me a break. He’s visiting his father ONCE a week and doesn’t have any caretaking responsibilities. He states that his father was a good dad, but he doesn’t want to spend thus minimal time because he finds him boring.

[Anonymous]

Is it the tasks and responsibility? Every time I see or talk to my elderly parent, I come away with more tasks, appointments, problems with insurance, home maintenance, phone calls to make, etc. which gets piled on top of my already long to do list.

I enjoy our visits but the task list stresses me out.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a way of letting go. Your subconscious is telling you things about his aging, your aging, that are hard to deal with front and center, so you block them out, feel uncomfortable and generally put off. Try to show love. My mom treasured a hug from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean not really, no. Some people are closer or have warmer relationships than others but what you’re describing abt someone who is “nice” and was a good dad seems pretty unusual. Not criticizing you btw as it sounds pretty bleak for you as well. Are you sure you aren’t depressed or burnt out?

I honestly don’t know about burn out. I do enjoy other relationships in my life.
My dad is nice enough but I guess cognitively declined enough to not be an exciting conversation partner.

it’s not all about you

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s normal. Relationships change over time, people grow apart or closer based on where they are in their lives.

1.Since you are visiting weekly, you don’t have time to miss him or be nostalgic.

2. The weekly visits themselves are an obligation and a burden. I remember when the kids were little, the obligation of weekly sports games. I was so ecstatic if a game was rained out and we didn’t have that weekly obligation. We didn’t hate soccer, baseball etc. it was just the weekly requirement was a drag for parents.

3. As people age, for many, their world gets smaller. They can’t relate to the world you are living in. Visiting can feel like watching grass grow. It is boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean not really, no. Some people are closer or have warmer relationships than others but what you’re describing abt someone who is “nice” and was a good dad seems pretty unusual. Not criticizing you btw as it sounds pretty bleak for you as well. Are you sure you aren’t depressed or burnt out?

+1 my first response reading OP's post was "yikes," so cold and judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Have you considered a 55+ community if he is still pretty independent physically?

It is draining to be someone’s only friend and source of entertainment. He needs hobbies for his own (and your) satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

My suggestion, meet your dad every other week and plan something that YOU want to do and have him tag along. Art exhibit your son doesn’t want to see? Bring dad! Cuisine you wanted to try but your son or husband aren’t into it? Bring dad! Art class you always wanted to take? Going to an academic lecture? Small town you wanted to visit? Scenic drive or stop? Maybe you want space to slow down, bring dad to meditation or tai chi or a park bench in nature. Find a scenario in which you both win.

[Anonymous]

There must be some underlying resentment to make you feel this way. Or perhaps you never moved into the friends zone with your parents and don’t really have a relationship bc you are stuck in your old power dynamic. Regardless, you should suck it up bc it’s the right and good thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Op, this is not normal imo. My parents were imperfect humans and the later years were filled with stress, worry and responsibilities I didn't always feel capable of fulfilling since I was also caring for my young children at the time. With that said, I cherish my time with them, have an even greater appreciation for all they did for me growing up and miss both of them immensely. I think of them every.single.day.

Do you have other fulfilling relationships in your life? Do you have siblings? Do they feel similarly? I'm sad for you, OP.

Maybe pushing him away is a way for you do deal with the uncomfortable feeling of your own mortality? Maybe you have a diagnosable disorder? But no, OP, this is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Have you considered a 55+ community if he is still pretty independent physically?

It is draining to be someone’s only friend and source of entertainment. He needs hobbies for his own (and your) satisfaction.

I 100% agree except he seems perfectly happy sitting his a chair all day and tagging along with me and the rest of the family wherever we go. He doesn't want to go to assisted living and he can't do independent without and aide (which I am acting as right now). we have told our kids that we will never do this to them. We would never want to be a burden. This does not seem to bother him one bit. It's ruined my relationship with him and my kids' relationship with their grandfather. They resent him now and are embarrassed by him.