Crippling regret over having an only

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids (12,15,18) and I'd be so depressed if we only had one. Each one adds so much to our lives.

This was not helpful or relevant to this thread. OP is struggling and your bragging about your family size is mean.

I think the poster meant to validate OP's feelings, but forgot to express sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids (12,15,18) and I'd be so depressed if we only had one. Each one adds so much to our lives.

Bean soup.

[Anonymous]

Recognize what's bothering you, fix the things you can, and accept the things you can't.

[Anonymous]

Would you and your husband consider the classes to become foster parents? Or what about volunteering or even working with little kids at something like church Sunday school or preschool? There are lots of way to still be involved with children and helping children in your life even if you only had one child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of people with many children are sad and resentful. It doesn’t solve the core issue.

+1

Also, plenty of people resent a younger sibling and/or the way they were treated because of him/her. You are/were a much better mother to your only than you would’ve been otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of three and we are not close. My brother has completely gone no-contact with everyone in our extended family; severe mental illness.

We have two and its really overwhelming for me. I would've done much better with only one kid. Our first (COVID baby) has a lot of struggles at school and with emotional regulation. Our second is much easier to handle, but the two of them interacting together is just chaos in our home.

Whatever you think you'd have with three kids, it probably would've turned out the opposite. Get into therapy and love the life you have.

[Anonymous]

DD's classmate just passed away at 15. An only child. Perspective, OP.

I have an only child and think about how our close relationship would not be what it is if we'd had another.

Appreciating what you have might help you get through your resentment. I mean that kindly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD's classmate just passed away at 15. An only child. Perspective, OP.

I have an only child and think about how our close relationship would not be what it is if we'd had another.

Appreciating what you have might help you get through your resentment. I mean that kindly.

Look on the bright side is just sh!t advice. We all have to live in the box we're in.

Hugs, OP, I am sorry you are going through this. Would you consider therapy? It's not that there's something wrong with you, but a therapist might be able to help you work through some of the feelings and figure out what you want. I wouldn't jump to it, but if you feel open to it, and DH is on board, you could consider adopting an older child. Let yourself grieve and be intentional about what comes next. You don't have to just suffer and pretend it's fine or that you don't have the right to your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of people with many children are sad and resentful. It doesn’t solve the core issue.

+1

Also, plenty of people resent a younger sibling and/or the way they were treated because of him/her. You are/were a much better mother to your only than you would’ve been otherwise.

I'm an only child and I'm far happier and successful than most of the multi-sib families around me. But we grew up poor, so prioritizing one kid money wise was the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD's classmate just passed away at 15. An only child. Perspective, OP.

I have an only child and think about how our close relationship would not be what it is if we'd had another.

Appreciating what you have might help you get through your resentment. I mean that kindly.

Look on the bright side is just sh!t advice. We all have to live in the box we're in.

Hugs, OP, I am sorry you are going through this. Would you consider therapy? It's not that there's something wrong with you, but a therapist might be able to help you work through some of the feelings and figure out what you want. I wouldn't jump to it, but if you feel open to it, and DH is on board, you could consider adopting an older child. Let yourself grieve and be intentional about what comes next. You don't have to just suffer and pretend it's fine or that you don't have the right to your feelings.

Neglecting the child you do have for the fantasy of another is definitely wrong.

[Anonymous]

Practice gratitude. You have a healthy child that will be able to live independently. That is something to celebrate.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry,OP. We are firmly one and done from the beginning and now our only kid is a senior and will be leaving in a few months, and we’re incredibly sad about it. Having another kid would not change that reality, though.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who constructively say that you are longing to help children grow and to nurture them.

I think it would help you to do some more people-centric volunteering. Something based on your skills etc. as a mom and perhaps as a professional. There are a variety of possibilities.

I had 2 boys. I am basically fine with that. But I really wanted to help a little girl with all the pitfalls of being female that I faced. I hope I get daughter-in-laws and that they like me. I'm not counting on it but that is my hope for filling the small gap where a daughter might have been. I came from a matriarchy with a large cohort of girl cousins so I miss how my young life was a little bit.

I can also say my younger kid is less sweet and does stress my husband out. If birth order was reversed, perhaps he would have been my only.

[Anonymous]

OP wanted a bigger family and wasn’t able to have one. While we can say that a bigger family might not be all it’s cracked up to be, it doesn’t negate the fact that she wanted more children. Many of us get that. Now her only is leaving and it’s bringing all that back into focus.

OP, the PP’s are right. Ultimately the last one will leave. You have the task of reinventing yourself. You can do it.

[Anonymous]

I have an only because that was my husband’s choice. I would have liked to have two.

Sure, I’m sad about it. Sometimes really sad! But my feeling is that if I can’t be happy overall with my one wonderful child and my spouse whom I love, and who came by all this honestly and openly, then I surely couldn’t be happy if only we had two.

To quote a wise philosopher, it’s not having what you want. It’s wanting what you’ve got.