Spouse told me I’m the reason they’re depressed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

A good therapist will be able to impel the onion and see who’s unable to have a discussion or resolve a conflict.

Keep a logbook.

Your could be dealing w a real gaslighting BS’er spouse who lies to their therapist. Or you are the gaslighter and the gig is up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

Voicing your feelings isn't (generally) abusive. But saying I hate you and then I love you is.

That isn't what he did. In a moment of vulnerability after a therapy session, he voiced an honest feeling that he feels bullied, walks on eggshells, and that everyone is happier / more relaxed when she isn't there. Then he went back to walking on eggshells and trying to do / say all the right things to keep her happy like he usually does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

Voicing your feelings isn't (generally) abusive. But saying I hate you and then I love you is.

That isn't what he did. In a moment of vulnerability after a therapy session, he voiced an honest feeling that he feels bullied, walks on eggshells, and that everyone is happier / more relaxed when she isn't there. Then he went back to walking on eggshells and trying to do / say all the right things to keep her happy like he usually does.

Grew up with a mom like this. The pretending to be happy and all of that is exactly what we would all do when we could tell she was upset. Because we knew how easy it was for her to go off in those situations so it was better to just placate her. And yeah sometimes we would erupt after having to walk on eggshells and hide our feelings for so long.

The reality is, no one on DCUM can tell you if he's an abusive and manipulative jerk or if you're like my mom. You need a marriage counselor or at least to attend a therapy session with your spouse to discuss what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

Ok. Stop right there

(A) in a “mundane” argument or team discussion on home Renovations, NO ONE should suddenly zoom out and talk about mental issues. That’s escalation and toxic. And shuts down the actual topic (home renovation detail decision to make).
Lemme guess, no discussion or resolution came of of the topic.
Lemme guess who brought up the topic as a decision was needed, mundane or not.

(B) a good therapist would take this incident and hear each sides story separately and see what’s and who’s derailing things.
They’d back the truck up, and start from before the topic was broached, why it was broached, brought it up, were people informed or ignorant, were people adding to the convo or tagging along, who first Criticized something and why, what happened next, did anyone try to get back to the task in hand, how did it end, is this a communication pattern?

(C) which one of you has an issue with “mundane” decisions or conversations? That’s half of life and half of running a household. Doing a home Reno isn’t for the faint of heart either. It’s not fair to check out, dump on the other person, ridicule who’s doing the work or staying on top of things, or push off decisions.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you’re here ruminating and concerned, and he’s off happy as a lark after his diatribe insult is telling. That’s not normal.

He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.
Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

I’d be done after that A-hole unnecessary comment. They showed their true colors with that one.

I’d only say that as I was serving someone divorce papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you’re here ruminating and concerned, and he’s off happy as a lark after his diatribe insult is telling. That’s not normal.

He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.
Yikes.

It's not healthy, but it's actually really common. People often project their unprocessed feelings, repressed/unaddressed traumas, and overwhelming emotions onto others to avoid having to be responsible for managing those things. It's not "I feel..." it's "You make me feel...". It's not "I'm overwhelmed/overstimulated" it's "You're too much/too loud/too _____". Once the unaddressed internal emotional conflict/overwhelm has been put on something/someone external, it's "over there" which feels much lighter to the person who doesn't want to or doesn't have the skill to address the concern directly. Now it's YOUR responsibility to fix MY feelings, not mine, and that's MUCH easier for me (for now)!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

What a narc bully! And then tries to reel you in again with compliments. How psychotic.

Proceed with caution. Play dumb for awhile, but do some lawyer consults, get individual therapy (trauma ironically, but someone who can help you ID mental disorders and symptoms in others), get stronger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you’re here ruminating and concerned, and he’s off happy as a lark after his diatribe insult is telling. That’s not normal.

He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.
Yikes.

It's not healthy, but it's actually really common. People often project their unprocessed feelings, repressed/unaddressed traumas, and overwhelming emotions onto others to avoid having to be responsible for managing those things. It's not "I feel..." it's "You make me feel...". It's not "I'm overwhelmed/overstimulated" it's "You're too much/too loud/too _____". Once the unaddressed internal emotional conflict/overwhelm has been put on something/someone external, it's "over there" which feels much lighter to the person who doesn't want to or doesn't have the skill to address the concern directly. Now it's YOUR responsibility to fix MY feelings, not mine, and that's MUCH easier for me (for now)!

PP following up to say: this is incredibly common when starting therapy, during early recovery, or in any period of transition or extra stress (moving, grief/loss). Anything that reduces one's personal resources can slip into this dynamic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

Quick to the trigger second post. And choosing genera, which the Op went of of the way not to do.

If this somehow isn’t a troll post, do NOT do the above.

Step back, collect your thoughts and notes, and talk to others.

Just be civil at home, and get advice from
Friends, family and your own professionals.

You are either getting played by an emotional abuser, or you are being told your marriage is over for whatever reason your spouse and their therapist devised. Real or imagined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

Sharing isn’t ridiculing and insulting. Surely this wonderful therapist would have role played such a confrontation and accusation.

Every house is more easily run unilaterally or by one person. Teamwork, conflict resolution and good comms aren’t a skill in everyone. So the underhanded comment is moot and only happened to hurt OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

Doesnt sound like theyre actually depressed.

Sounds like he had a bipolar II episode and now is back to baseline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to individual therapy and learn how to stop being a bully.

It’s not too late right now, but it will be too late later.

We need examples to see what’s reasonable here.

op is “mad” their partner didn’t do what everyone was counting on them to do? Partner can’t take feedback and doesn’t want to be accountable so plays victim?

Or

Op is “mad” after a tough day at work and flies off the handle at a new question or comment. Or name calls?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is abusive. There are ways to share feelings that are not hurtful. Example:

“I feel —- when you —-“
“Here’s what I see, here’s what I’d like to see”

Also, blaming you for their depression is wildly inappropriate.
Sounds like your spouse wanted to unload on you, and sadly feels better. This is not a good character trait.
I strongly recommend a therapist for you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm sounds like some joint therapy is in order

Nope

No joint therapy with an abuser. No overpaid flying monkey therapists either.