Wife doesn't want a funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean when someone dies young (50s) and the wife doesn't want a funeral?

The person served in the military for 25+ years and died suddenly on vacation. I suspected suic*de but my husband doesn't think it's likely.

Is it common when someone doesn't want to talk about how or why someone died that they avoid a funeral?

Is suicide a bad word?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean when someone dies young (50s) and the wife doesn't want a funeral?

The person served in the military for 25+ years and died suddenly on vacation. I suspected suic*de but my husband doesn't think it's likely.

Is it common when someone doesn't want to talk about how or why someone died that they avoid a funeral?

I mean, OP, you want to gossip about it so bad you went on DCUM and created a post. If you are representative of the type of person who would be attending the funeral, then, yes, I think it makes sense for the widow to decide she would rather grieve privately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband’s aunt didn’t have one for her husband when he passed, and honestly it felt like something was missing.

I personally think that they are important. Cultures all over the world and throughout history have had rituals around death and grieving. I think it’s an important thing for humans to experience to help move through the grieving process.

It’s harder now that so many people live far away from their loved ones though. And in general, I think Americans handle death and grieving poorly. So people skipping funerals is definitely something that happens. I don’t like it though.

Agreed. I think the move away from having funerals goes hand in hand with the American tendency to try to deny death. I think it'll be really interesting to see how this plays out as more Baby Boomers pass away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 as someone who doesn't want a funeral. If it were legal, I'd be ok with dumping my body in the river. Funerals and graves are such an absurd waste of money.

+1 except leave me on a hillside for the vultures.

[Anonymous]

The cost of a traditional funeral is exorbitant. It’s on the order of $30k. That might be a reason.

[Anonymous]

I've changed my mind completely on this. I used to think it was important to have a gravestone for genealogical research since that has been an interest of mine. I now just want to be cremated and ashes scattered. I don't want a funeral either and in the past expected to have one. I think it's because I'm older (in my 60s) and closer to death. I just want to go out quietly. I have less and less attachment to things and places and I think it's just been my evolution.

[Anonymous]

^^and yes, the costs are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I don't want one. Care about me when I'm living, not dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a person who's always felt tolerated rather than accepted, I don't want a funeral. Either no one besides my husband and kids would be there or people who never really cared about me when I was alive (including my own parents if they outlive me) would come and be hypocrites.

This! Why pretend to care about me when I'm dead when you did care when I was alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want a funeral and neither does DH.

I don't want one either. It's a moot point anyway bc nobody would organize one for me, but yeah, I would hate that.

[Anonymous]

OP -- no reason you should be connecting these dots. No reason this should be any or your business either but mostly it's useless to be trying to reach a conclusion about this

[Anonymous]

My mom died and always said she wanted us to have a party to celebrate her life. Catholic, and was also cremated. It was maybe a month after she died. We did have a “wake” for local folks to immediately process and get together. My mom was a high school teacher in a rural town so she was an important member of the community even after she retired and she had died after a year of aggressive illness. It was done in her style. Wonderful food, at my parents’ farmhouse in the fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a person who's always felt tolerated rather than accepted, I don't want a funeral. Either no one besides my husband and kids would be there or people who never really cared about me when I was alive (including my own parents if they outlive me) would come and be hypocrites.

I’m so sorry that the people in your life — especially your parents — have let you down. You’re as worthy of respect, affection and love as everyone else. You deserve better. I hope you’re working with a therapist to unpack all of this.

However, funerals are actually for the living. If there are people who care about your spouse and children, your funeral would be the time for those people to lend them support.

[Anonymous]

Most people forgo them now. NBD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband’s aunt didn’t have one for her husband when he passed, and honestly it felt like something was missing.

I personally think that they are important. Cultures all over the world and throughout history have had rituals around death and grieving. I think it’s an important thing for humans to experience to help move through the grieving process.

It’s harder now that so many people live far away from their loved ones though. And in general, I think Americans handle death and grieving poorly. So people skipping funerals is definitely something that happens. I don’t like it though.

Agreed. I think the move away from having funerals goes hand in hand with the American tendency to try to deny death. I think it'll be really interesting to see how this plays out as more Baby Boomers pass away.

I think it has to do with Covid. During lockdowns in my hometown people either couldn't have funerals or could only have a limited number of people. I think they saw that big funerals aren't a requirement. When I read the death notices from there now, I'd say over half are direct cremations and perhaps a celebration of life at a later date.