When 1 parent practices and another doesn’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? Is your husband just not interested, or actively hostile to going?

Growing up, my dad actively complained about going to church when my mom was trying to get us ready to go, and he would mock parts of the service under his breath. That definitely fed my resentment of going and colored my feelings about religion in general. My mom would have been better off letting him do his own thing than asking him to participate in something he didn't want to do.

If your kids are young enough still, I'd recommend trying to make Mass something special for them. We used to go out to brunch with my grandparents and my aunt after church and I still associate those brunches that I loved with church, even though I didn't love church. Even better if you can make their experience AT church joyful and something they will want to repeat themselves. Can you arrange to go and sit with their friends from school or Sunday school? Or set up a play date with those friends to help build ties to friends from church?

If they're teens, you might need to let them make their own decisions about church attendance. They're old enough by then to make decisions about their priorities and forcing them to go will likely just cause resentment. You can try to make your home practice inviting to keep them engaged. Do you say grace before meals? Can you make that fun by allowing your kids to lead, or ask them to share their favorite moment of the day, or the funniest thing they saw? Or let them choose at what volume you say the prayers (whisper it, shout, normal volume).

We just moved to a new state but in our old home my kids and I were very plugged into a Catholic church community. These are all fantastic comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m no longer practicing BUT my grandparents were the most religious people in my family. (My parents were moderately religious meaning we went to church once a month.) Grandma took me to mass when she watched me on Wednesday evenings and she participated in all sorts of ministries in the church.

However, even grandma and grandpa didn’t go to mass when we had our annual beach week family vacation. I’m having a hard time faulting your husband for not going to mass while traveling. It sounds like you’re hyper focusing on this one thing because you’re sad that he’s not as religious as you are. You know you can’t get mad about that so you’re looking for smaller things that you can project all your disappointment, sadness and frustration. Not a great look.

OP. Thank you. Definitely ringing true about hyper focusing.

[Anonymous]

OP you changed the stakes and you have to accept that DH is on a different page than you. If you really wanted this to be a centerpiece of your family life, you needed to have married someone who was observant and prioritized it.

I am empathetic because I'm a little similar. I was much less religious when I got married and my DH is nonreligious (not raised in any faith). I have gotten much more interested in my religious as a midlife adult and want my kids to be more connected to it. DH is ok with that but not an active participant. I just have to accept that it's different from if I had been religious at that earlier stage and prioritized marrying someone who felt similarly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get where you are coming from, OP. It sounds like your husband is willing to participate in your family faith life but not willing to take the initiative when on his own with the kids. Honestly, since you are the one who has begun to embrace your faith more seriously, you kind of need to meet him halfway. The participation level you describe is more than most Catholic families anyway. If it was me, I would accept that it's not going to happen if you aren't the driving force but try to minimize that reality in front of your kids. Go to regular Sunday Mass and Holy Days, but you bring them to Confession- the things you describe are not a hill to die on and as others have said- you cannot control other adults. Be grateful he is willing to go, pray that he becomes more active and if he is not actively bashing the Church, continue to make the faith a part of your home life too. My own kids are almost raised but I recently came across the statistic that children raised in households where the father led the faith life are four times more likely to practice Catholicism as adults. My husband was always willing to attend Mass but not as enthusiastic about praying at night or going on Holy Days. Our kids are varied in their levels of involvement now that they live on their own. I wish I had encouraged my husband to take on more of the faith formation role. I think he would have been willing because he wants our adult children to be practicing Catholics but we never really discussed it. I had that role because it meant more to me. Be patient with your husband, have a heart to heart and ask him to take some leadership in this area and lay off if it's not exactly the way you would do it. Praying for you, OP.

Realistically, it is unlikely the OP's kids will believe in the Catholic faith, much less continue to practice, into adulthood. The OP's own path demonstrates you don't need to indoctrinate children before they can think for themselves, and attempting to force it as the OP has described would seem to be counterproductive to her long-term goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get where you are coming from, OP. It sounds like your husband is willing to participate in your family faith life but not willing to take the initiative when on his own with the kids. Honestly, since you are the one who has begun to embrace your faith more seriously, you kind of need to meet him halfway. The participation level you describe is more than most Catholic families anyway. If it was me, I would accept that it's not going to happen if you aren't the driving force but try to minimize that reality in front of your kids. Go to regular Sunday Mass and Holy Days, but you bring them to Confession- the things you describe are not a hill to die on and as others have said- you cannot control other adults. Be grateful he is willing to go, pray that he becomes more active and if he is not actively bashing the Church, continue to make the faith a part of your home life too. My own kids are almost raised but I recently came across the statistic that children raised in households where the father led the faith life are four times more likely to practice Catholicism as adults. My husband was always willing to attend Mass but not as enthusiastic about praying at night or going on Holy Days. Our kids are varied in their levels of involvement now that they live on their own. I wish I had encouraged my husband to take on more of the faith formation role. I think he would have been willing because he wants our adult children to be practicing Catholics but we never really discussed it. I had that role because it meant more to me. Be patient with your husband, have a heart to heart and ask him to take some leadership in this area and lay off if it's not exactly the way you would do it. Praying for you, OP.

Realistically, it is unlikely the OP's kids will believe in the Catholic faith, much less continue to practice, into adulthood. The OP's own path demonstrates you don't need to indoctrinate children before they can think for themselves, and attempting to force it as the OP has described would seem to be counterproductive to her long-term goals.

You’re right. Ouch. I’m not forcing anything by the way. When I pray the Rosary, I never force anyone to sit with me. I don’t force Confession. In fact my kids will say I’m good, Ma and just sit in the pew and wait for me. I’m fine with that. What I am more searching to establish is that this is what we do. Faith and ritual are powerful anchors in this world and when the SHTF in life, prayer is there. That’s all. But you’re very right.

[Anonymous]

You need to find a church with a younger community. The parish we live in is a sea of elderly people so we drive to one where there is a school (and now send our kids there.)
There are a lot of podcasts by youngish men who are Catholic. I sent some of these to my husband (it helps that they are extremely funny and match his political views.)
Long story short he's completely invested now. I never would have believed it 10 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a church with a younger community. The parish we live in is a sea of elderly people so we drive to one where there is a school (and now send our kids there.)
There are a lot of podcasts by youngish men who are Catholic. I sent some of these to my husband (it helps that they are extremely funny and match his political views.)
Long story short he's completely invested now. I never would have believed it 10 years ago.

Red flag...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get where you are coming from, OP. It sounds like your husband is willing to participate in your family faith life but not willing to take the initiative when on his own with the kids. Honestly, since you are the one who has begun to embrace your faith more seriously, you kind of need to meet him halfway. The participation level you describe is more than most Catholic families anyway. If it was me, I would accept that it's not going to happen if you aren't the driving force but try to minimize that reality in front of your kids. Go to regular Sunday Mass and Holy Days, but you bring them to Confession- the things you describe are not a hill to die on and as others have said- you cannot control other adults. Be grateful he is willing to go, pray that he becomes more active and if he is not actively bashing the Church, continue to make the faith a part of your home life too. My own kids are almost raised but I recently came across the statistic that children raised in households where the father led the faith life are four times more likely to practice Catholicism as adults. My husband was always willing to attend Mass but not as enthusiastic about praying at night or going on Holy Days. Our kids are varied in their levels of involvement now that they live on their own. I wish I had encouraged my husband to take on more of the faith formation role. I think he would have been willing because he wants our adult children to be practicing Catholics but we never really discussed it. I had that role because it meant more to me. Be patient with your husband, have a heart to heart and ask him to take some leadership in this area and lay off if it's not exactly the way you would do it. Praying for you, OP.

Realistically, it is unlikely the OP's kids will believe in the Catholic faith, much less continue to practice, into adulthood. The OP's own path demonstrates you don't need to indoctrinate children before they can think for themselves, and attempting to force it as the OP has described would seem to be counterproductive to her long-term goals.

You’re right. Ouch. I’m not forcing anything by the way. When I pray the Rosary, I never force anyone to sit with me. I don’t force Confession. In fact my kids will say I’m good, Ma and just sit in the pew and wait for me. I’m fine with that. What I am more searching to establish is that this is what we do. Faith and ritual are powerful anchors in this world and when the SHTF in life, prayer is there. That’s all. But you’re very right.

There's a spectrum, and it's obviously hard for anyone else here to know where your actions are falling. But I find the "this is what we do" statement confusing, as it seems to downplay the motivation and beliefs behind it. I could understand for young children who aren't yet in a position to really understand those beliefs, but from the way you talk about them, it sounds like they're already teenagers (or close to it). They seem to be at an age where they are forming, and may have already formed, their beliefs. Doesn't forcing them to go through the motions devalue the practices?

[Anonymous]

I love the fact that some posters tried to encourage you to bribe your kids to "choose" to go with you to church.

I'm with your husband. At least he hasn't told you to stop trying to indoctrinate your kids with bronze age fairy tales. You should give him more credit for trying to be respectful of your differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love the fact that some posters tried to encourage you to bribe your kids to "choose" to go with you to church.

I'm with your husband. At least he hasn't told you to stop trying to indoctrinate your kids with bronze age fairy tales. You should give him more credit for trying to be respectful of your differences.

I think so too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get where you are coming from, OP. It sounds like your husband is willing to participate in your family faith life but not willing to take the initiative when on his own with the kids. Honestly, since you are the one who has begun to embrace your faith more seriously, you kind of need to meet him halfway. The participation level you describe is more than most Catholic families anyway. If it was me, I would accept that it's not going to happen if you aren't the driving force but try to minimize that reality in front of your kids. Go to regular Sunday Mass and Holy Days, but you bring them to Confession- the things you describe are not a hill to die on and as others have said- you cannot control other adults. Be grateful he is willing to go, pray that he becomes more active and if he is not actively bashing the Church, continue to make the faith a part of your home life too. My own kids are almost raised but I recently came across the statistic that children raised in households where the father led the faith life are four times more likely to practice Catholicism as adults. My husband was always willing to attend Mass but not as enthusiastic about praying at night or going on Holy Days. Our kids are varied in their levels of involvement now that they live on their own. I wish I had encouraged my husband to take on more of the faith formation role. I think he would have been willing because he wants our adult children to be practicing Catholics but we never really discussed it. I had that role because it meant more to me. Be patient with your husband, have a heart to heart and ask him to take some leadership in this area and lay off if it's not exactly the way you would do it. Praying for you, OP.

Realistically, it is unlikely the OP's kids will believe in the Catholic faith, much less continue to practice, into adulthood. The OP's own path demonstrates you don't need to indoctrinate children before they can think for themselves, and attempting to force it as the OP has described would seem to be counterproductive to her long-term goals.

You’re right. Ouch. I’m not forcing anything by the way. When I pray the Rosary, I never force anyone to sit with me. I don’t force Confession. In fact my kids will say I’m good, Ma and just sit in the pew and wait for me. I’m fine with that. What I am more searching to establish is that this is what we do. Faith and ritual are powerful anchors in this world and when the SHTF in life, prayer is there. That’s all. But you’re very right.

There's a spectrum, and it's obviously hard for anyone else here to know where your actions are falling. But I find the "this is what we do" statement confusing, as it seems to downplay the motivation and beliefs behind it. I could understand for young children who aren't yet in a position to really understand those beliefs, but from the way you talk about them, it sounds like they're already teenagers (or close to it). They seem to be at an age where they are forming, and may have already formed, their beliefs. Doesn't forcing them to go through the motions devalue the practices?

I’m not the OP, but I never thought that going through the motions devalues the practice. As human beings, we are both body and soul. There are times in all of our lives that our soul doesn’t quite believe or cannot commit to God for whatever reason. During those times, you take your body through the motions. You kneel and say the prayers etc.
If you keep doing those things, then your soul can eventually inhabit that space with God again.

This is what I was always taught as a Catholic anyway. That’s why it matters to go to mass and to take the Eucharist and make it part of your own body. That a person is BOTH the flesh and the spirit.

[Anonymous]

WRT to “this is what we do”, I mean we go to Mass when we can, wherever we are and don’t give ourselves a bye week bc there’s hockey or vacation or we are just not feeling it. Just like the “this is what we do” families feel about teaching kids to brush their teeth, pick up trash, vote in every election or count to 3 when they’re mad. The anti Mass people will poke holes and say it’s Bronze Age fairy tales but the Catholic moms here posting seem to get it. But this has all been very humbling and helpful. Thanks all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Each of you is your own person.
How dare you push your indoctrination on him?

He is an adult. If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to.

And you changed the rules.

You, by your own omission, decided to become more religious. Well, that is your right, but you have no right to force that on another adult.

I basically agree with the above, but also I think I see your point of view. You wish your husband felt the way you do about religion, but he doesn't - and you won't change him. He didn't change you, right? Give it up.

By the way, growing up, my father took us to mass every Sunday while my mother stayed home and read. She said it was her only peaceful time of the week. She also was raised Catholic and practiced in the sense of going to confession and communion once a year.

Eventually, we kids grew up. My brother is a self-professed "nothing', after staying Catholic for a while, to make his wife happy. My sister is an evangelical Christian and I'm an atheist. You never know how kids are going to turn out.

Im sorry, pp, this story kind of makes me laugh.
Once a year, your mom went to confession, confessed that she missed every mass for the last year, and then took communion. Is that right? Was it your same parish priest every time? How did that conversation even go? That’s hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WRT to “this is what we do”, I mean we go to Mass when we can, wherever we are and don’t give ourselves a bye week bc there’s hockey or vacation or we are just not feeling it. Just like the “this is what we do” families feel about teaching kids to brush their teeth, pick up trash, vote in every election or count to 3 when they’re mad. The anti Mass people will poke holes and say it’s Bronze Age fairy tales but the Catholic moms here posting seem to get it. But this has all been very humbling and helpful. Thanks all

I’m with you, OP.
I think the people saying that you should give your kids the choice probably wouldn’t feel the same way if your husband told them that they didn’t have to do their homework or take the SATs.

[Anonymous]

your husband is going to church when asked - he isn't living up to your plans now, but he is doing something. Communion is between him and God. If you feel strongly, ask him to go to a reconciliation service. you don't know what is in his heart. Just go with what he is willing to do for now that and hope that things evolve over time especially if he isn't interfering with the kids education.