Is there a "good way" to be a vessel for your family members' anxieties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

Why? She's lived this long and hasn't died. Don't fall for it. And if she does attempt... it won't be because you called her out for dumping on you!

Separately, there's a problem with your posts. You keep changing the storyline here. First you think anxiety makes people angry. Then you think they all have a desire for control. Then you can't bear to tell your mother what's what in case she dies.

You really want to live your life like this, OP, all muddled up in your head and unable make clear decisions and execute them?

Parent your kids. Draw boundaries with MIL and friend. You say you're moving in that direction, so why is this still a problem? Now you need to be clear with your mother. What else are you going to complain about now, hmm?

It's not a problem, at least not yet. But also this is relatively new for me, this territory where I can sort of distance myself from her anxiety, and still be there for her in the way she needs.

And also, it took me a really really long time, but I've also finally forgiven her. I like the place I'm at. I WANT to do this for her. I no longer feel burdened.

But as this is new territory for me, I also want to be careful that I don't want to burn myself out. In many ways she is much harder to deal with than my kids ever were. They are teachable. She is not.

Also I don't think I've been changing the storyline. They both get angry and have the desire for control. It's related. I'm trying to make more conscious decisions about what I can and can't do for my family members, while also being realistic about my capacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

Why? She's lived this long and hasn't died. Don't fall for it. And if she does attempt... it won't be because you called her out for dumping on you!

Separately, there's a problem with your posts. You keep changing the storyline here. First you think anxiety makes people angry. Then you think they all have a desire for control. Then you can't bear to tell your mother what's what in case she dies.

You really want to live your life like this, OP, all muddled up in your head and unable make clear decisions and execute them?

Parent your kids. Draw boundaries with MIL and friend. You say you're moving in that direction, so why is this still a problem? Now you need to be clear with your mother. What else are you going to complain about now, hmm?

It's not a problem, at least not yet. But also this is relatively new for me, this territory where I can sort of distance myself from her anxiety, and still be there for her in the way she needs.

And also, it took me a really really long time, but I've also finally forgiven her. I like the place I'm at. I WANT to do this for her. I no longer feel burdened.

But as this is new territory for me, I also want to be careful that I don't want to burn myself out. In many ways she is much harder to deal with than my kids ever were. They are teachable. She is not.

You're still thinking about this in terms of other people. You need to do what's right for you. Forgiveness might or might not be important... for YOU. Ignoring her as much as you possible would definitely be right for YOU. Be more selfish.

But I love her. And I believe she loves me the only way she knows how. Which for a long time, wounded me, but I've healed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

Why? She's lived this long and hasn't died. Don't fall for it. And if she does attempt... it won't be because you called her out for dumping on you!

Separately, there's a problem with your posts. You keep changing the storyline here. First you think anxiety makes people angry. Then you think they all have a desire for control. Then you can't bear to tell your mother what's what in case she dies.

You really want to live your life like this, OP, all muddled up in your head and unable make clear decisions and execute them?

Parent your kids. Draw boundaries with MIL and friend. You say you're moving in that direction, so why is this still a problem? Now you need to be clear with your mother. What else are you going to complain about now, hmm?

It's not a problem, at least not yet. But also this is relatively new for me, this territory where I can sort of distance myself from her anxiety, and still be there for her in the way she needs.

And also, it took me a really really long time, but I've also finally forgiven her. I like the place I'm at. I WANT to do this for her. I no longer feel burdened.

But as this is new territory for me, I also want to be careful that I don't want to burn myself out. In many ways she is much harder to deal with than my kids ever were. They are teachable. She is not.

You're still thinking about this in terms of other people. You need to do what's right for you. Forgiveness might or might not be important... for YOU. Ignoring her as much as you possible would definitely be right for YOU. Be more selfish.

But I love her. And I believe she loves me the only way she knows how. Which for a long time, wounded me, but I've healed.

Also, I firmly believe if I were to just ignore her, it would pretty much kind of kill my soul.

[Anonymous]

She should get a seashell and talk to it and let it hold her negativity. Or a paper bag, then pop it.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a therapist yourself? I think it would be helpful. You sound too enmeshed with your mom and perhaps with your kids as well. It is important to set appropriate boundaries with people even your own family. It is healthier for all of you. Teach your kids coping skills and that the world doesn’t revolve around them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

Why? She's lived this long and hasn't died. Don't fall for it. And if she does attempt... it won't be because you called her out for dumping on you!

Separately, there's a problem with your posts. You keep changing the storyline here. First you think anxiety makes people angry. Then you think they all have a desire for control. Then you can't bear to tell your mother what's what in case she dies.

You really want to live your life like this, OP, all muddled up in your head and unable make clear decisions and execute them?

Parent your kids. Draw boundaries with MIL and friend. You say you're moving in that direction, so why is this still a problem? Now you need to be clear with your mother. What else are you going to complain about now, hmm?

It's not a problem, at least not yet. But also this is relatively new for me, this territory where I can sort of distance myself from her anxiety, and still be there for her in the way she needs.

And also, it took me a really really long time, but I've also finally forgiven her. I like the place I'm at. I WANT to do this for her. I no longer feel burdened.

But as this is new territory for me, I also want to be careful that I don't want to burn myself out. In many ways she is much harder to deal with than my kids ever were. They are teachable. She is not.

You're still thinking about this in terms of other people. You need to do what's right for you. Forgiveness might or might not be important... for YOU. Ignoring her as much as you possible would definitely be right for YOU. Be more selfish.

But I love her. And I believe she loves me the only way she knows how. Which for a long time, wounded me, but I've healed.

Also, I firmly believe if I were to just ignore her, it would pretty much kind of kill my soul.

Do you realize you talk in hyperbole, exactly like your mother? You're here on DCUM, complaining and generally spewing a ton of negativity towards a lot of people close to you in real life.

Even though you may believe that you are less mean than your closest and dearest, because you don't lob insults at them, you are still very aggressive and dramatic in your description of your relationships, and your own feelings.

You are like them, OP. You view the world in the same way.

YOU need a therapist.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what to tell you, OP. You need to see a professional if you struggle with this.

I would never enable a type of person like your mother for a second. Nope. She can deal with her own stuff. Kids get consequences for using a "tone" and having an attitude. MIL and friend can be easily dealt with.

None of this is anxiety. It's walking all over you because you're enabling their behavior. Fix yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would be listening to all this drama from a parent as much as it sounds like you are. Of course you need boundaries.

You also might want to look into SPACE to see if you are helping or hurting your kids’ journeys with their own anxieties.

Sometimes it helps just to just put her on speakerphone while I do chores or go for a walk. She likes it better when I don't respond or say anything at all, so I don't even have to talk back to her. But the sessions are usually at least an hour long, so it is time intensive.

I am an anxious person and I think this is a form of interpersonal abuse you should not put up with.

So I agree with PP that if this is a thing you are feeling the need to do for your mother despite the fact that it is exploitative on her part, and you don’t like doing it and wish you could get out of it, which you manifestly do, that may not be best interpreted as a sign of how “anxious” she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would be listening to all this drama from a parent as much as it sounds like you are. Of course you need boundaries.

You also might want to look into SPACE to see if you are helping or hurting your kids’ journeys with their own anxieties.

Sometimes it helps just to just put her on speakerphone while I do chores or go for a walk. She likes it better when I don't respond or say anything at all, so I don't even have to talk back to her. But the sessions are usually at least an hour long, so it is time intensive.

I am an anxious person and I think this is a form of interpersonal abuse you should not put up with.

So I agree with PP that if this is a thing you are feeling the need to do for your mother despite the fact that it is exploitative on her part, and you don’t like doing it and wish you could get out of it, which you manifestly do, that may not be best interpreted as a sign of how “anxious” she is.

I had put distance between her and me for many years, because it was a difficult relationship for me to manage on top of my daily life. But now I feel like I am better equipped to have more of an armor with her, and she doesn’t have much time left, and also just feel more compassion for all of the trauma she has had to endure in her early life. She just doesn’t know any better and she’s too old and set in her ways to change.

Her words don’t trigger me as much anymore. I’m 90 percent there. But I do think I need to walk the line and set some minimal boundaries.

Her desire is for me to move in with her, take care of her, take her to all the doctors appointments and basically be her caregiver. So I feel like this is a compromise I can handle, and comparatively a very small thing I can do for her without giving up my entire life in service for her.

[Anonymous]

OP, please re read all your responses. You just defend her and the situation and don't seem to take any advice on how to change things.

[Anonymous]

I have a mother like this and this likely isn't just anxiety. My mothers rage, neediness, manipulation and so much more crossed into personality disorder territory. Your mom's behavior is disturbed. She is prettifying you and making you responsible for her mental health. She needs to be in therapy and get a psychiatric. Hopefully the therapy you get can help you with boundaries.

I will be a sounding board and emotional dump place for my kids because I know the line and do get them therapy when I think it is needed.

I used to get into really unhealthy 1-sided relationships with friends dumping on me that mimicked my relationship with my mother, but my boundaries are firm these days and those relationships didn't last. I am emotionally supportive, but not codependent anymore.

[Anonymous]

sorry PARENT-ifying you not prettifying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Don't you think they should see someone who can help them with all of that? Unless there's real actual issues with the people around them making them feel less than or unseen, wouldn't they be happier if they could validate themselves and they didn't care what other people saw them as?

Easier said than done, I know, but it sounds like you're letting them endlessly dump on you. That might relieve feelings in the moment, but something like CBT or DBT might help them get rid of the thoughts that drive feelings almost as fast as they start whenever they aren't warranted. I know, feelings are always valid, but belief systems aren't.

And it's especially not OK for your daughter to be wishing you ghastly suffering.

In a perfect world, yes, it would be great if they had their own therapist. And of course my mom would be happier if she didn't care what other people thought of her. My kids too, but they are kids and they care deeply about what I think of them. But therapy for them is just not an option. None of them would agree to it in a million years. Except maybe my son. My friend actually got a therapist of her own accord this year, and man did it really make a difference.

Therapy is also very expensive. My mom barely wants to spend an extra 10 cents at the grocery store, let alone spend hundreds of dollars for a therapist. Not to mention, she holds lots of negative stereotypes and stigmas for people who see therapists.

OP you are an enabler. Of course your mom won't see a therapist. She can do what she wants to do with you-dump, blame, emote, but never learn healthy coping mechanisms. You pays you with telling you how special you are because you are the only one she can share with and basically the part she leaves out is....stay mentally ill. You are not her savior, you are more like a drug dealer because you make her feel better at first, but you reinforce what keeps her trapped in untreated mental illness. You need to work with a therapist on setting boundaries and dealing with the fallout. I would also work with that therspist on boundaries with your kids and getting proper help for them as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

Why? She's lived this long and hasn't died. Don't fall for it. And if she does attempt... it won't be because you called her out for dumping on you!

Separately, there's a problem with your posts. You keep changing the storyline here. First you think anxiety makes people angry. Then you think they all have a desire for control. Then you can't bear to tell your mother what's what in case she dies.

You really want to live your life like this, OP, all muddled up in your head and unable make clear decisions and execute them?

Parent your kids. Draw boundaries with MIL and friend. You say you're moving in that direction, so why is this still a problem? Now you need to be clear with your mother. What else are you going to complain about now, hmm?

It's not a problem, at least not yet. But also this is relatively new for me, this territory where I can sort of distance myself from her anxiety, and still be there for her in the way she needs.

And also, it took me a really really long time, but I've also finally forgiven her. I like the place I'm at. I WANT to do this for her. I no longer feel burdened.

But as this is new territory for me, I also want to be careful that I don't want to burn myself out. In many ways she is much harder to deal with than my kids ever were. They are teachable. She is not.

You're still thinking about this in terms of other people. You need to do what's right for you. Forgiveness might or might not be important... for YOU. Ignoring her as much as you possible would definitely be right for YOU. Be more selfish.

But I love her. And I believe she loves me the only way she knows how. Which for a long time, wounded me, but I've healed.

Also, I firmly believe if I were to just ignore her, it would pretty much kind of kill my soul.

Do you realize you talk in hyperbole, exactly like your mother? You're here on DCUM, complaining and generally spewing a ton of negativity towards a lot of people close to you in real life.

Even though you may believe that you are less mean than your closest and dearest, because you don't lob insults at them, you are still very aggressive and dramatic in your description of your relationships, and your own feelings.

You are like them, OP. You view the world in the same way.

YOU need a therapist.

THIS!! You have no idea how many people in the world have faced traumas and they don't behave like your mother at all. You are excusing things. You are enmeshed and using the same extreme language she does. Has your mother ever tried medication? That could shut down a lot of her highly disturbed behavior, so she is more receptive to therapy. Yes, I have a mother just like this who refused meds. She had to hit rock bottom of nobody willing to allow her abusive rants. Meds help her think clearly and stop playing victim and blaming everyone and it tames the unbridled rage, so she is able to use healthy strategies. Yes, she declares herself cured and goes off and the cycle repeats, but it doesn't get REINFORCED, so she eventually goes back on meds and back into therapy. Stop reinforcing this.

[Anonymous]

Establish some boundaries.
Stop being your mother’s trash can for her life & issues.

Distance yourself.