Reply to Is there a "good way" to be a vessel for your family members' anxieties?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.
[/quote]

It's ok to be angry.  It doesn't make you a bad person.  And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does.  She does her share of blaming herself.  But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.[/quote]

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about :-) This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.
[/quote]

I appreciate that insight.  I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety.  It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than.  They all express it slightly differently.  My son will scream.  My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering.  My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime.  My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil.  My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others.  Not really sure how I should handle that part. [/quote]

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them. [/quote]

I do hold a line with my kids.  With some flexibility. They are still learning.  They know when they cross a line.  They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

[b]Drawing a line with my mom is much harder.  She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.  [/b]

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that.  Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.[/quote]

Why? She's lived this long and hasn't died. Don't fall for it. And if she does attempt... it won't be because you called her out for dumping on you!

Separately, there's a problem with your posts. You keep changing the storyline here. First you think anxiety makes people angry. Then you think they all have a desire for control. Then you can't bear to tell your mother what's what in case she dies.

You really want to live your life like this, OP, all muddled up in your head and unable make clear decisions and execute them?

Parent your kids. Draw boundaries with MIL and friend. You say you're moving in that direction, so why is this still a problem? Now you need to be clear with your mother. What else are you going to complain about now, hmm?

[/quote]

It's not a problem, at least not yet.  But also this is relatively new for me, this territory where I can sort of distance myself from her anxiety, and still be there for her in the way she needs.

And also, it took me a really really long time, but I've also finally forgiven her.  I like the place I'm at.   I WANT to do this for her. I no longer feel burdened.

But as this is new territory for me, I also want to be careful that I don't want to burn myself out.  In many ways she is much harder to deal with than my kids ever were.  They are teachable.  She is not.  [/quote]

You're still thinking about this in terms of other people. You need to do what's right for you. Forgiveness might or might not be important... for YOU. Ignoring her as much as you possible would definitely be right for YOU. Be more selfish.

[/quote]

But I love her.  And I believe she loves me the only way she knows how.  Which for a long time, wounded me, but I've healed.  [/quote]

Also, I firmly believe if I were to just ignore her, it would pretty much kind of kill my soul. [/quote]

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