Is there a "good way" to be a vessel for your family members' anxieties?
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Anonymous
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My mom has had a lot of trauma, and she uses me as her dumping ground for all of the angry, sad, anxious, bitter feelings she holds inside. She says if it wasnt for me, she probably wouldnt want to go on living, and that she always feels lighter after dumping all her feelings onto me. And she tells me she has no one else in the world who listens to her without judgment - not her sisters, not her friends, not my brother.
It honestly took me a lot of hours of therapy to get to this point, because before I just couldn't handle it. Her over the top anxiety would bleed onto me, and it would send me into a tailspin of anger and resentment and just avoiding her calls. But now I am at the point when I can, for the most part, be a vessel and witness to all her negative feelings, her safe place, so that she can feel better after. I do this for my kids too. And sometimes, it is a lot to handle. At one point, I had a friend who I also did this for, and a MIL, and at the time, I didn't know how to handle it. They all expected me to be their sounding board, to pick up at the first ring, to be the empathetic ear, the "one who understood". I eventually drew boundaries with my friend and MIL, and we now have much healthier relationships with much firmer boundaries. I'm consciously deciding that I will do this though, for my mom, and my kids, because I really feel like they need it from me. If you know anxiety, you know that there is a lot of just dumping of irrational thoughts, blaming, anger, and delusions. It's always been challenging for me to refrain from correcting the delusions, which ends up making them feel completely invalidated. But it's also their reality that they are experiencing. There are days when I have much more capacity to do this. And there are days when I'm just spent and don't have enough gas to tolerate it. My question is whether I need to be still be drawing boundaries to protect myself. I don't want to get myself to a point where I break and end up screaming at them or something. At the same time, I want to give them the safe space to honestly express what they are feeling so that they can experience the release of the pressure valve that they very obviously need. |
Anonymous
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I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.
Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you. If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries. |
Anonymous
It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades. |
Anonymous
PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about  This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.
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Anonymous
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There is no way I would be listening to all this drama from a parent as much as it sounds like you are. Of course you need boundaries.
You also might want to look into SPACE to see if you are helping or hurting your kids’ journeys with their own anxieties. |
Anonymous
| Yes, you need better boundaries and she desperately needs a therapist. That's what they are there for. |
Anonymous
I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL. Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH. So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part. |
Anonymous
Sometimes it helps just to just put her on speakerphone while I do chores or go for a walk. She likes it better when I don't respond or say anything at all, so I don't even have to talk back to her. But the sessions are usually at least an hour long, so it is time intensive. |
Anonymous
With my kids, I do it a little differently. I might just reflect back everything they say. Empathize ("that sounds really frustrating...") a bit. Be physically close to them while they lash out. |
Anonymous
Don't you think they should see someone who can help them with all of that? Unless there's real actual issues with the people around them making them feel less than or unseen, wouldn't they be happier if they could validate themselves and they didn't care what other people saw them as? Easier said than done, I know, but it sounds like you're letting them endlessly dump on you. That might relieve feelings in the moment, but something like CBT or DBT might help them get rid of the thoughts that drive feelings almost as fast as they start whenever they aren't warranted. I know, feelings are always valid, but belief systems aren't. And it's especially not OK for your daughter to be wishing you ghastly suffering. |
Anonymous
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My parents would never in a million years make me their dumping ground. That is a terrible burden to carry.
My 3 kids definitely use me as their dumping ground but now that the oldest ones are becoming young adults, I have forced myself/learned not to be so invested or enmeshed. It is their life now withe their mistakes to be made. My middle is going to therapy and that has helped a ton. |
Anonymous
| You are attributing the family dysfunction to your mother and children. You are also contributing to the dysfunction with your codependence. |
Anonymous
In a perfect world, yes, it would be great if they had their own therapist. And of course my mom would be happier if she didn't care what other people thought of her. My kids too, but they are kids and they care deeply about what I think of them. But therapy for them is just not an option. None of them would agree to it in a million years. Except maybe my son. My friend actually got a therapist of her own accord this year, and man did it really make a difference. |
Anonymous
Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults. Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist. Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news. But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them. |
Anonymous
Therapy is also very expensive. My mom barely wants to spend an extra 10 cents at the grocery store, let alone spend hundreds of dollars for a therapist. Not to mention, she holds lots of negative stereotypes and stigmas for people who see therapists. |