help - how do to politely ease out of doing too much for other parents

[Anonymous]

If one family is asking you for favors multiple
Times a week, they really aren’t your friends. What do you think worse case scenario is here if you say “no?”

[Anonymous]

Since your daughter doesn’t like them anyway, I would just accept that saying no is going to be the end of the relationship and be fine with it. Most people aren’t such users.

[Anonymous]

Why not just do a 180? Don’t offer excuses. Ask for favors!!

Send them a text today asking them to give your kid a lift. Then dial it up on Saturday and request a sleepover—you really need a break and you are so glad you can count on them to help!

They will say no.

Then, they should feel ridiculous calling you for favors. If they don’t realize their own idiocy and persist in asking for your help, saying no yourself will then feel wayyy too easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No is a complete sentence.

Or say "Sorry, work has really picked up and I'm not as free as I used to be to help out here."

+1. And you don’t need to invent a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

I am talking about one family in particular. I generally have an issue about saying No to people, it stems from some dark experiences in my past, I won't go into detail, but basically I am sort of conditioned to please people or think something bad will happen to me or the people I love. I think

***some people sense my weakness and even though they see I too have a full time job and 3 kids - they still treat me like someone who has all the time in the world to spare and help out***

when in fact we are juggling similar demands. It is something I am trying to address, but it is difficult - I can't quite shake this fear that I will set into motion something bad by saying no.

Op, they don’t “sense your weakness” or have some magic influence. You say yes all the time, so you’re their first / default person to call on. Why would they bother finding a sitter or calling 10 different families, when chances are high you’ll say yes and they’ll get what they need from you? If you stop being so available, and start saying “no” more often, they’ll start calling also on other people before reaching out to you.

Seriously, think of it from their perspective, if they know someone has 100% acceptance rate, why go elsewhere? You’ve conditioned them to reach out to you.

[Anonymous]

You are busy. This occurrence has happened to us before - at first we helped out with similarly aged neighbors child when parent traveled frequently on weekends (girls weekend, bachelorette party, birthday weekend), but then when mom moved to another state and dad tried dumping the a kid or both kids on me 3-4x a week we avoided them. No good comes from folks like this. If I was outside with my child, he would pull the car over on the way home from daycare and dump a kid on me so he could take the younger child home.

folks have too many pressure points: multiple kids, full time jobs with significant commutes, no local family. just say no.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids and I’m a SAHM. I am often the one asking for help and I also often help. I don’t ever feel like I am being taken advantage of or vice versa. When I was a mom of two, I built up a lot of goodwill by doing many favors for others and then many paid me back or offered because I had a baby/toddler.

Now the people who help me aren’t always the ones who I helped. I think if it is only one way you are being taken advantage of. If that mom who asks for sleepover favors never reciprocates, I would say no. No is a full sentence. It does not make you look like an a$$. I find the people who I have helped also go out of their way to help me out when they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are busy. This occurrence has happened to us before - at first we helped out with similarly aged neighbors child when parent traveled frequently on weekends (girls weekend, bachelorette party, birthday weekend), but then when mom moved to another state and dad tried dumping the a kid or both kids on me 3-4x a week we avoided them. No good comes from folks like this. If I was outside with my child, he would pull the car over on the way home from daycare and dump a kid on me so he could take the younger child home.

folks have too many pressure points: multiple kids, full time jobs with significant commutes, no local family. just say no.

OP here.
Coming back to check on the post. PP - the episode of pulling over on the street and asking if one of the kids and come with us has happened to me!! What can I possibly say?! Often times they just assume the answer is yes and before I have even had a chance to construct a response, the kids is half way out of the car. I do agree with you about the pressure points, but one of the parents works from home most days. I am always happy to help people in a bind, and never expect anything in return, that is not why I am doing it, i just want them to stop asking me - as I dont need their help, at least no where near to the extent that they are reaching out to me. Anyways, thank you all for coming in with your helpful comments and views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a kind but vague no should work. Sorry, that doesn't work for me/us today.

And something more specific: I'm on deadline at work and really can't help out this time."

I like the vague response. I hate
Telling people my business. But if I were you I’d be prepared for push back with people saying “just this time”, “please, it’s an emergency”. . . You’re going to have to stand firm.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. I have just started saying no with not a lot of explanation. "No that won't work for us today" is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No is a complete sentence.

Or say "Sorry, work has really picked up and I'm not as free as I used to be to help out here."

Nope, don't give an excuse because users will try to find away around it. Just no, or no it doesn't work for us right now. AND DO NOT SAY SORRY!

[Anonymous]

"I'm sorry, I can't"

That's it.

You probably have some inner work to do regarding why you feel guilty for saying no to things you don't want to do, that inconvenience your family, but that you could "technically do."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the same family (or 2 families) again and again, or more widespread? If it's just one or two people I would reach out proactively and say that your office is cracking down on flexibility so you're giving them a heads up that you won't be as available as before to help out with pickups, etc. And then just say no when they ask. You should be able to just say "no, we can't do that today" but if you can't bring yourself to say a flat no then I would blame work or other nonexistent conflicts without any shred of guilt.

Can you bring Larla to the pool with you guys today? We really need some family time today and we have another activity planned right after the pool.

Can you watch Larla before school tomorrow, I have to go in early? Sorry, I need that time to prep for a work meeting so I can't supervise additional kids.

Can you pick up Larla after soccer practice? Sorry, but we're heading straight from soccer to errands so we can't take her today.

OMG we have got to get women out of this cycle of apologizing for everything!

If you agreed to pick Larla up from school and now you're saying you can't, THAT you say sorry for! Not being able to do something does not warrant an apology.

I'm serious, OP, be very aware of when you use the words "sorry" and "just" and anything else that diminishes you as a woman, especially at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I’m so sorry but I have to ——-

Repeat for every request

I don't think this is useful because then you have to make up or give details that are open to interpretation. OP doesn't need to justify why she can't.

Instead, "Im so sorry but I can't possibly today/dp that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you. Nothing is wrong with No, but I guess what I am thinking is that technically I could manage it and saying NO makes me look like an **swhole, it is just inconvenient and annoying. But after all I have put my life together in a way where I can manage my 3 kids without asking for help from others...they do offer to help but I just don't need the help or their hosting my daughter for sleepover (in fact she doesnt even life going over to their house), so it is extremely one sided. anyways, thats besides the point, i just feel bad because i see how they seem to be struggling but then it is perhaps their own fault for not having planned accordingly and not my problem to worry about.

It is their fault, it isn't your problem, you got that right. Repeat to yourself as necessary.

Saying no because it doesn't work for you is fine. No need to explain further. It doesn't work for you. That doesn't make you an ahole. It doesn't work for you. Period. End of story. For crying out loud you have three kids and a job in an office! (I only have two kids and a job and I work from home and I still say no!)