help - how do to politely ease out of doing too much for other parents

[Anonymous]

To be fully frank, this is mostly all my fault. I was have allowed too much room for other parents to step in and "take advantage" of my kindness. I put it in quotes because I feel like it was my mostly my fault, so I don't blame them. However, I would like to reset the relatioship and somehow gently ease out of being the default "i am running late, can you grab my kids", or "i have to go in early, can i drop my kids of at your house for an hour before school", or "since you are goint to the pool/mall can by daughter tag along", "i have to work late/going out of town - can my daughter sleep over" for over 24 hr sleepover! this happens 3 to 4 times a week. I am not exaggerating. Help me, how do I slip out of this? They know i am generally available and are somewhat familiar with my schedule, i do work full time so i do have to drive to the office, but on a relatively flexible schedule. I am sick of it because i have 3 kids and adding 2 more, albeit wonderful ones, is a lot of work and throws off the dynamic with my own children - especially since it is soooo often. Help me please!

[Anonymous]

No is a complete sentence.

Or say "Sorry, work has really picked up and I'm not as free as I used to be to help out here."

[Anonymous]

Is this the same family (or 2 families) again and again, or more widespread? If it's just one or two people I would reach out proactively and say that your office is cracking down on flexibility so you're giving them a heads up that you won't be as available as before to help out with pickups, etc. And then just say no when they ask. You should be able to just say "no, we can't do that today" but if you can't bring yourself to say a flat no then I would blame work or other nonexistent conflicts without any shred of guilt.

Can you bring Larla to the pool with you guys today? We really need some family time today and we have another activity planned right after the pool.

Can you watch Larla before school tomorrow, I have to go in early? Sorry, I need that time to prep for a work meeting so I can't supervise additional kids.

Can you pick up Larla after soccer practice? Sorry, but we're heading straight from soccer to errands so we can't take her today.

[Anonymous]

what's wrong with a "No"?

[Anonymous]

Oh I’m so sorry but I have to ——-

Repeat for every request

[Anonymous]

Just say your office rules have changed and they are a lot less flexible than they were.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thank you. Nothing is wrong with No, but I guess what I am thinking is that technically I could manage it and saying NO makes me look like an **swhole, it is just inconvenient and annoying. But after all I have put my life together in a way where I can manage my 3 kids without asking for help from others...they do offer to help but I just don't need the help or their hosting my daughter for sleepover (in fact she doesnt even life going over to their house), so it is extremely one sided. anyways, thats besides the point, i just feel bad because i see how they seem to be struggling but then it is perhaps their own fault for not having planned accordingly and not my problem to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Just say no when it's not convenient. And if they think of you being an @@shole after all the help you gave. Their problem.

[Anonymous]

I think proactively saying that work is getting more hectic and you can't accommodate extra kids. Don't get into specifics. Then, just follow through and say no if they still ask.

[Anonymous]

I just learned to no. I’m sorry, I can’t.

[Anonymous]

Bad example for your own kids if you are modeling saying yes to things you don’t want to do. Show your kids it is okay to say no (for any reason) if it isn’t something you want to do.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you should proactively say work picked up and then just start saying no. It may take a while but they will readjust.

No need to feel bad. Some people are overwhelmed/poor planners/takers. It’s on them to make things work. You’ve been the easy out so have become their default solution. Time for them to find another default or otherwise plan to meet their kids needs like the rest of us.

My son’s best friend has parents like this. After a decade of accommodating them, I’ve come to the conclusion that they are shitty selfish people. I feel badly for their son (now an older teen) who is always welcome at our house, but I’m done with his parents and should have been years ago.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully, they’ll be fine about it and make other arrangements. But, if these people get bent out of shape by you pulling back and saying no, they would most likely get mad about something else further down the road, even if you accommodated every request. So don’t be guilted about hurting their feelings or leaving them in a bind.

[Anonymous]

how many different people are asking for favors. if it is just one asking all the time, i would start saying no for sure. sounds like one person is a big taker!

[Anonymous]

a kind but vague no should work. Sorry, that doesn't work for me/us today.

And something more specific: I'm on deadline at work and really can't help out this time."