help - how do to politely ease out of doing too much for other parents

[Anonymous]

You are busy. This occurrence has happened to us before - at first we helped out with similarly aged neighbors child when parent traveled frequently on weekends (girls weekend, bachelorette party, birthday weekend), but then when mom moved to another state and dad tried dumping the a kid or both kids on me 3-4x a week we avoided them. No good comes from folks like this. If I was outside with my child, he would pull the car over on the way home from daycare and dump a kid on me so he could take the younger child home.

folks have too many pressure points: multiple kids, full time jobs with significant commutes, no local family. just say no.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids and I’m a SAHM. I am often the one asking for help and I also often help. I don’t ever feel like I am being taken advantage of or vice versa. When I was a mom of two, I built up a lot of goodwill by doing many favors for others and then many paid me back or offered because I had a baby/toddler.

Now the people who help me aren’t always the ones who I helped. I think if it is only one way you are being taken advantage of. If that mom who asks for sleepover favors never reciprocates, I would say no. No is a full sentence. It does not make you look like an a$$. I find the people who I have helped also go out of their way to help me out when they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are busy. This occurrence has happened to us before - at first we helped out with similarly aged neighbors child when parent traveled frequently on weekends (girls weekend, bachelorette party, birthday weekend), but then when mom moved to another state and dad tried dumping the a kid or both kids on me 3-4x a week we avoided them. No good comes from folks like this. If I was outside with my child, he would pull the car over on the way home from daycare and dump a kid on me so he could take the younger child home.

folks have too many pressure points: multiple kids, full time jobs with significant commutes, no local family. just say no.

OP here.
Coming back to check on the post. PP - the episode of pulling over on the street and asking if one of the kids and come with us has happened to me!! What can I possibly say?! Often times they just assume the answer is yes and before I have even had a chance to construct a response, the kids is half way out of the car. I do agree with you about the pressure points, but one of the parents works from home most days. I am always happy to help people in a bind, and never expect anything in return, that is not why I am doing it, i just want them to stop asking me - as I dont need their help, at least no where near to the extent that they are reaching out to me. Anyways, thank you all for coming in with your helpful comments and views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a kind but vague no should work. Sorry, that doesn't work for me/us today.

And something more specific: I'm on deadline at work and really can't help out this time."

I like the vague response. I hate
Telling people my business. But if I were you I’d be prepared for push back with people saying “just this time”, “please, it’s an emergency”. . . You’re going to have to stand firm.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. I have just started saying no with not a lot of explanation. "No that won't work for us today" is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No is a complete sentence.

Or say "Sorry, work has really picked up and I'm not as free as I used to be to help out here."

Nope, don't give an excuse because users will try to find away around it. Just no, or no it doesn't work for us right now. AND DO NOT SAY SORRY!

[Anonymous]

"I'm sorry, I can't"

That's it.

You probably have some inner work to do regarding why you feel guilty for saying no to things you don't want to do, that inconvenience your family, but that you could "technically do."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the same family (or 2 families) again and again, or more widespread? If it's just one or two people I would reach out proactively and say that your office is cracking down on flexibility so you're giving them a heads up that you won't be as available as before to help out with pickups, etc. And then just say no when they ask. You should be able to just say "no, we can't do that today" but if you can't bring yourself to say a flat no then I would blame work or other nonexistent conflicts without any shred of guilt.

Can you bring Larla to the pool with you guys today? We really need some family time today and we have another activity planned right after the pool.

Can you watch Larla before school tomorrow, I have to go in early? Sorry, I need that time to prep for a work meeting so I can't supervise additional kids.

Can you pick up Larla after soccer practice? Sorry, but we're heading straight from soccer to errands so we can't take her today.

OMG we have got to get women out of this cycle of apologizing for everything!

If you agreed to pick Larla up from school and now you're saying you can't, THAT you say sorry for! Not being able to do something does not warrant an apology.

I'm serious, OP, be very aware of when you use the words "sorry" and "just" and anything else that diminishes you as a woman, especially at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I’m so sorry but I have to ——-

Repeat for every request

I don't think this is useful because then you have to make up or give details that are open to interpretation. OP doesn't need to justify why she can't.

Instead, "Im so sorry but I can't possibly today/dp that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you. Nothing is wrong with No, but I guess what I am thinking is that technically I could manage it and saying NO makes me look like an **swhole, it is just inconvenient and annoying. But after all I have put my life together in a way where I can manage my 3 kids without asking for help from others...they do offer to help but I just don't need the help or their hosting my daughter for sleepover (in fact she doesnt even life going over to their house), so it is extremely one sided. anyways, thats besides the point, i just feel bad because i see how they seem to be struggling but then it is perhaps their own fault for not having planned accordingly and not my problem to worry about.

It is their fault, it isn't your problem, you got that right. Repeat to yourself as necessary.

Saying no because it doesn't work for you is fine. No need to explain further. It doesn't work for you. That doesn't make you an ahole. It doesn't work for you. Period. End of story. For crying out loud you have three kids and a job in an office! (I only have two kids and a job and I work from home and I still say no!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bad example for your own kids if you are modeling saying yes to things you don’t want to do. Show your kids it is okay to say no (for any reason) if it isn’t something you want to do.

So much this. Also don't overuse the word sorry. Apologize for stuff you need to apologize for. This ain't it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that you should proactively say work picked up and then just start saying no. It may take a while but they will readjust.

No need to feel bad. Some people are overwhelmed/poor planners/takers. It’s on them to make things work. You’ve been the easy out so have become their default solution. Time for them to find another default or otherwise plan to meet their kids needs like the rest of us.

My son’s best friend has parents like this. After a decade of accommodating them, I’ve come to the conclusion that they are shitty selfish people. I feel badly for their son (now an older teen) who is always welcome at our house, but I’m done with his parents and should have been years ago.

OP doesn't have to proactively say anything! She doesn't owe these families childcare. If she says no, then they need to figure their lives out. Also, don't say it has anything to do with work because then when you're off for whatever reason they'll feel entitled to use you again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I’m so sorry but I have to ——-

Repeat for every request

I don't think this is useful because then you have to make up or give details that are open to interpretation. OP doesn't need to justify why she can't.

Instead, "Im so sorry but I can't possibly today/dp that."

Let me ask both of you this - why are you SO SORRY that you couldn't help out this person who fails to plan for their own life and takes advantage of you? Why, really? You shouldn't even be a little sorry, much less so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this the same family (or 2 families) again and again, or more widespread? If it's just one or two people I would reach out proactively and say that your office is cracking down on flexibility so you're giving them a heads up that you won't be as available as before to help out with pickups, etc. And then just say no when they ask. You should be able to just say "no, we can't do that today" but if you can't bring yourself to say a flat no then I would blame work or other nonexistent conflicts without any shred of guilt.

Can you bring Larla to the pool with you guys today? We really need some family time today and we have another activity planned right after the pool.

Can you watch Larla before school tomorrow, I have to go in early? Sorry, I need that time to prep for a work meeting so I can't supervise additional kids.

Can you pick up Larla after soccer practice? Sorry, but we're heading straight from soccer to errands so we can't take her today.

OMG we have got to get women out of this cycle of apologizing for everything!

If you agreed to pick Larla up from school and now you're saying you can't, THAT you say sorry for! Not being able to do something does not warrant an apology.

I'm serious, OP, be very aware of when you use the words "sorry" and "just" and anything else that diminishes you as a woman, especially at work.

"Sorry" in this context is not an apology. It's like saying "I'm sorry for your loss"-- it's showing empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I’m sorry I can’t.” Via Text!

NO additional information or they’ll worm their way in.

They are the jerks not you. They’re taking advantage of your kindness.

This. For the script before with "I have to"s like "I have to run errands," they will just say oh the kid can tag along for that too