Fair way to address housing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand your position, but from his position, if he moves in with you, then he is essentially paying rent that helps you build equity in your home. That isn't fair to him.

That’s not how marital property division in equitable jurisdictions works. If he helps pay the mortgage then he would be entitled to an equitable share of the equity. I guess if he doesn’t actually plan to get married then that is an issue.

They are talking about moving in together before getting married. And marital property varies by state; I would not make blanket statements about property rights across states.

I think it's pretty standard for couples to move in together before marriage, and if one person owns and has a nicer place, they live there and let the non-owner pay some rent to be fair. It doesn't have to be 50/50, but there needs to be a fair contribution, however you work that out. When you buy something after marriage, unless you have a prenup (and you should), it all becomes marital property and subject to a 50/50 split if you divorce.

Thanks for reminding not to remarry. I am not sharing my new house with anyone. You keep place, I keep mine, and we alternate visiting one another. I rather my kids inherit my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with some additional info. I own my house outright, no mortgage. I still have to pay utilities, tax, and maintenance of course.

He has some savings for a down payment. I don’t know how much we didn’t go into details on that. He had a decent job and earns a little less than me. However, my earnings are maxed out for what I do, and his will likely go up a lot more and surpass me in a few years.

He wants to pay the same amount he currently pays in rent to any house we buy together as his half, but that would require us to downgrade from what I currently own outright.

I often think that the WAY people talk about these issues is a lot more important than what specifically is going on.

He is being financially reactive based on past experience without providing a lot of specifics to you. He wants to make a large financial decision as a couple from an emotional place rather than a rational one. He is essentially asking you to take on housing costs you do not currently have because he is not comfortable living in a home that you own on your own.

A rational approach to this situation would be to move into the current asset and use the opportunity to save money for a down payment on a house you both want, if you end up staying together and want to buy a place together. If he cannot live in a house that's only owned by you because it's too traumatic or emasculating or whatever, he is not ready to move in with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with some additional info. I own my house outright, no mortgage. I still have to pay utilities, tax, and maintenance of course.

He has some savings for a down payment. I don’t know how much we didn’t go into details on that. He had a decent job and earns a little less than me. However, my earnings are maxed out for what I do, and his will likely go up a lot more and surpass me in a few years.

He wants to pay the same amount he currently pays in rent to any house we buy together as his half, but that would require us to downgrade from what I currently own outright.

I often think that the WAY people talk about these issues is a lot more important than what specifically is going on.

He is being financially reactive based on past experience without providing a lot of specifics to you. He wants to make a large financial decision as a couple from an emotional place rather than a rational one. He is essentially asking you to take on housing costs you do not currently have because he is not comfortable living in a home that you own on your own.

A rational approach to this situation would be to move into the current asset and use the opportunity to save money for a down payment on a house you both want, if you end up staying together and want to buy a place together. If he cannot live in a house that's only owned by you because it's too traumatic or emasculating or whatever, he is not ready to move in with you.

To be fair I (a woman) didn't want to move into DH's house when we were dating. I just like being a homeowner and feeling like my space is mine. It's not rational, but it mattered to me. We waited until we were married to buy something together, and until then, we kept our own places and went back and forth.

[Anonymous]

This guy sounds like a loser. Instead of asking you to downgrade to match him, he should be up-leveling to meet you at your level. You will compromise and downgrade every aspect of your life if you stay with him.

[Anonymous]

You own a house outright.
He cannot afford to buy half of a house as nice as yours. But wants you to go in on a lesser house with him.
Uh, no.
Talk to a financial adviser or lawyer. You may need a prenup.
And whatever you do, if you sell your house do it before you marry him, if you do, and do NOT put more into the new love nest than he does. Keep the rest safe not as marital property.
If you decide to rent your house out again lawyer. Put it in a trust or LLC. Not marital property and proceeds go into the trust or LLC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guy sounds like a loser. Instead of asking you to downgrade to match him, he should be up-leveling to meet you at your level. You will compromise and downgrade every aspect of your life if you stay with him.

OP, unfortunately I agree with this person.

I married someone who was not on equal financial footing and it set the stage for YEARS of resentment.

And I say that as someone who didn't and doesn't have money (think $85k in DC when I bought my first place, still in low $100s). He had been married and didn't have any savings.

I bought a place when we were dating and "hoped to get married," like you. I bought my home under my name only and he moved in.

He resented it -- now he's my ex and still mentions it when he gets mad LOL. He felt like he should have been on the title even though we weren't married or engaged. Sorry, kiddo.

You will downgrade your life to meet his abilities and his sensitivities and it sucks. I promise you.

So (1) don't move in with him before you are engaged, (2) don't move forward until he's worked through his sensitivities and trauma, (3) if he does move in, have him sign a lease as a tenant, (4) don't ever buy something with him without being married and make sure you have a prenup to protect your equity.

He's going to cause you heartache, I'm sorry to say. I say this from experience. At least set things up legally so that you maintain your equity if you decide to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Don't mingle assets. Buy a new house if you want one, and have him pay rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guy sounds like a loser. Instead of asking you to downgrade to match him, he should be up-leveling to meet you at your level. You will compromise and downgrade every aspect of your life if you stay with him.

Yup, +1. He wont be happy until you're in the gutter with him.

[Anonymous]

OP here with more info. When he was younger my boyfriend got a house with his then girlfriend. It was in her name only, but he paid most of the cost for several years. When they split he got nothing. She now rents the property out for large profit.

I’m not looking for either of us to be taken advantage of in the situation. I love my boyfriend and fully expect us to marry. We just need to figure this part out. I’m thinking tenants in common may be the solution.

[Anonymous]

OP - why can't you just rent out your house to someone for a year? And rent an apartment with him 50/50 to see if you actually enjoy living with him full time. That would allow you to avoid the new house ownership related risks and expenses and not to be too tied up to housing. After of couple years of cohabiting get married and move in together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I are hoping to move in together soon. We plan to marry in the future. I currently own my home and he rents.

He is was in a previous relationship where he was wiped out financially and is very cautious about how to mingle assets moving forward.

I would like him to move into my place, but he says he doesn’t want to because I own it without him. He’d like us to buy a new place together. However, I have more money than him, so if we get a new place together, I’d have to downgrade to keep it 50/50. Any thoughts on a fair way to navigate this?

Tell him that will have to wait.

In the meantime, you could say he could pay the utilities, and you pay the property tax and insurance. That would be a fair and equitable split.

If he wants his name on your property, BIG RED FLAG. I say this as a trad type woman also, not a feminist by any means.

You can both save money (equal amount each month) to buy a place together AFTER you get married. Also, you KEEP your current house and rent it out for extra income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with some additional info. I own my house outright, no mortgage. I still have to pay utilities, tax, and maintenance of course.

He has some savings for a down payment. I don’t know how much we didn’t go into details on that. He had a decent job and earns a little less than me. However, my earnings are maxed out for what I do, and his will likely go up a lot more and surpass me in a few years.

He wants to pay the same amount he currently pays in rent to any house we buy together as his half, but that would require us to downgrade from what I currently own outright.

Check out my previous post about waiting to purchase a house and saving money for it in the meantime.

Whatever you do, DO NOT sell your place. Keep it. It's paid off and will only make you more money and build equity.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to move in with you, but let him pay less rent than he's paying now. So you both are benefiting from the situation without him feeling like you're using him to pay your mortgage. But also, keep this shit separate for awhile. Don't give him anything of yours for awhile.

[Anonymous]

Nope. You're not even engaged.

[Anonymous]

-Do NOT buy a house with him before marriage
-Do NOT sell your house
-Do NOT add his name to your house
-Do NOT downgrade your lifestyle for a brokea**

I see so many red flags with this man. He sounds insecure about your wealth and would rather bring you down vs being lifted up. That's a major issue! Sounds like he will throw this in your face every chance he gets.

Since you own the house outright, what is his issue? Could he not just cover utilities and some groceries? He'd likely still be saving a ton more than renting elsewhere. It makes no sense.

If you do want to move in, I would find a renter for a 6month lease on your house and rent somewhere else with him. If/when you get married, have your house in a pre-nup.