Adoption Not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Meant to say, I can't believe I "survived" this messy situation. I was first in my family to go to college and ended up triple majoring in 3 STEM degrees, all while going thru this nightmare.

Imagine studying Physics w/Calculus problems, taking 18-21 credit hours of Engineering and Computer courses, spending hours in the computer lab, and needing to rush home to make sure Mom was ok.

It was a relief when she went to this school, and an even more celebration when she graduated and was a successful and contributing adult.





This isn’t about you.

That's a nasty comment. Adoption/foster care IS about other children in the house. As an adoptive mom to kids who were older at time of placement, I would have been wracked with guilt had we already had bio kids in the home given some of the behaviors we experienced. People who already have children in the home should think long and hard before embarking on adoption or foster care because they already have lives for which they are responsible. And choosing to adopt kids who may experience life long challenges and needs will---at some point---burden your existing children. Yes, bio families can have children with special needs but that is not the same as affirmatively making the choice to create that situation for your existing children. Kudos to the PP who survived the chaos. A wise (and regretful) parent once told me that no family should allow the most disruptive member to control the family dynamic, as it is profoundly unfair to everyone else. Your family did the right thing to send your sister to treatment. We made a similar choice and also had positive results.

No it’s not. The discussion is not about you or siblings. You are dangerous if you hide knives. Kids can have mental health issues regardless of how they joined a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an experience where the adoption did not work? Adoption of siblings took place 10 years ago. At the time DDs were 5 and 6. Fast forward to ages 15 & 16 and the older sibling is making life unbearable and unsafe. She has made it clear that she wants no part of the family. At 11 she declared that she was done with us and the running away began. We have had contact with several doctors, counselors, therapists, and now police but nothing has helped. She has caused significant damage to the home, neighbor's homes and school. She has also become violent with her sibling and me. There is an 80 year old in the household as well and she is terrified. Any suggestions for next steps?

I would hospitalize her ASAP as she is a danger to others. That is the words you should use.

Many, many years ago my doctor asked me if I was thinking about having children. I said that I really wanted to adopt. She said, AND I QUOTE "why would you do that? You have no idea the genetics and problems those children may or may not have. You're better off with your own genetics if you can." I know to most of you this sounds harsh however I know of too many situations like OP happening and this should be considered long and hard these days. Not saying most adoptions turn out like they because they probably don't but if you're the one that it doesn't what a difficult place to be.

I'm sorry op. You must be exhausted. I hope your kids get the help they need. Your heart was in the right place which is extra messed up that this is happening to you. Sending you hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an experience where the adoption did not work? Adoption of siblings took place 10 years ago. At the time DDs were 5 and 6. Fast forward to ages 15 & 16 and the older sibling is making life unbearable and unsafe. She has made it clear that she wants no part of the family. At 11 she declared that she was done with us and the running away began. We have had contact with several doctors, counselors, therapists, and now police but nothing has helped. She has caused significant damage to the home, neighbor's homes and school. She has also become violent with her sibling and me. There is an 80 year old in the household as well and she is terrified. Any suggestions for next steps?

I would hospitalize her ASAP as she is a danger to others. That is the words you should use.

Many, many years ago my doctor asked me if I was thinking about having children. I said that I really wanted to adopt. She said, AND I QUOTE "why would you do that? You have no idea the genetics and problems those children may or may not have. You're better off with your own genetics if you can." I know to most of you this sounds harsh however I know of too many situations like OP happening and this should be considered long and hard these days. Not saying most adoptions turn out like they because they probably don't but if you're the one that it doesn't what a difficult place to be.

I'm sorry op. You must be exhausted. I hope your kids get the help they need. Your heart was in the right place which is extra messed up that this is happening to you. Sending you hugs.

Looking back I'm thankful my kids don't have my genetics due to horrible health issues that I'd never want to pass on. You can have kids with mental health issues that are bio and adopted. You just hear more about the kids who were adopted but there are far more bio kids with mental health issues. Mine have no mental health issues, good kids.

[Anonymous]

You need to find a post-permanency specialist. Look that up in your state. Usually their services are free.

[Anonymous]

We had increasingly hard and dangerous experience from age 9 through high school, at which point some problems continued (mostly financial) for years after move out, but weren't as terrifying. By age 25 (I guess that prefrontal cortex thing is real) the wildest impulsive behavior calmed down and life became relatively normal again.

It's hard, but it's the greatest good you can do in the world.

[Anonymous]

Two more years and she will be 18 and then you can cut all ties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Meant to say, I can't believe I "survived" this messy situation. I was first in my family to go to college and ended up triple majoring in 3 STEM degrees, all while going thru this nightmare.

Imagine studying Physics w/Calculus problems, taking 18-21 credit hours of Engineering and Computer courses, spending hours in the computer lab, and needing to rush home to make sure Mom was ok.

It was a relief when she went to this school, and an even more celebration when she graduated and was a successful and contributing adult.





This isn’t about you.

That's a nasty comment. Adoption/foster care IS about other children in the house. As an adoptive mom to kids who were older at time of placement, I would have been wracked with guilt had we already had bio kids in the home given some of the behaviors we experienced. People who already have children in the home should think long and hard before embarking on adoption or foster care because they already have lives for which they are responsible. And choosing to adopt kids who may experience life long challenges and needs will---at some point---burden your existing children. Yes, bio families can have children with special needs but that is not the same as affirmatively making the choice to create that situation for your existing children. Kudos to the PP who survived the chaos. A wise (and regretful) parent once told me that no family should allow the most disruptive member to control the family dynamic, as it is profoundly unfair to everyone else. Your family did the right thing to send your sister to treatment. We made a similar choice and also had positive results.

Thank you. i was trying to show that while this affects siblings, it's possible for us siblings in the trenches to thrive. Hopefully OP can get good suggestions for help for her child and know that their siblings can possibly do well in the end.

It's difficult when you get criticized from people who you suspect have never faced these challenges. It's not just being low income or from a divorced family or whatever. It's living for years fearing that your adopted sibling might kill you or your mom tonight. And I've been criticized several times in this thread as a psycho for hiding the kitchen knives at night. WTF? I wasn't hiding them to use as weapons. I was hiding them to prevent my 14 yo damaged sister from stabbing me or our mom in the dark. Like several other adopted kids we knew did to their parents in our adoption group.

And I was 19. So sue me if you think I was dangerous for taking the kitchen knives and hiding them at night. I did what I thought would protect me and our mom. And you want to throw me in the crazed loony bin. I was suffering and struggling and meanwhile triple majoring in 3 STEM college degrees. I got 800 on GRE quantitative, 790 Analytical, 750 verbal. I SURVIVED and THRIVED. I was a smart kid, born into a poor, dysfunctional family, but I clawed my way up.

And some PP wants to say I'm dangerous for hiding knives. Well, I kept myself and my mother alive, and I now have a good relationship with my "fixed" sister. I think I made the correct decision.

OP - there is hope. You are at the depths of despair, but there are people and organizations who can help you. Please have hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Meant to say, I can't believe I "survived" this messy situation. I was first in my family to go to college and ended up triple majoring in 3 STEM degrees, all while going thru this nightmare.

Imagine studying Physics w/Calculus problems, taking 18-21 credit hours of Engineering and Computer courses, spending hours in the computer lab, and needing to rush home to make sure Mom was ok.

It was a relief when she went to this school, and an even more celebration when she graduated and was a successful and contributing adult.





This isn’t about you.

That's a nasty comment. Adoption/foster care IS about other children in the house. As an adoptive mom to kids who were older at time of placement, I would have been wracked with guilt had we already had bio kids in the home given some of the behaviors we experienced. People who already have children in the home should think long and hard before embarking on adoption or foster care because they already have lives for which they are responsible. And choosing to adopt kids who may experience life long challenges and needs will---at some point---burden your existing children. Yes, bio families can have children with special needs but that is not the same as affirmatively making the choice to create that situation for your existing children. Kudos to the PP who survived the chaos. A wise (and regretful) parent once told me that no family should allow the most disruptive member to control the family dynamic, as it is profoundly unfair to everyone else. Your family did the right thing to send your sister to treatment. We made a similar choice and also had positive results.

Thank you. i was trying to show that while this affects siblings, it's possible for us siblings in the trenches to thrive. Hopefully OP can get good suggestions for help for her child and know that their siblings can possibly do well in the end.

It's difficult when you get criticized from people who you suspect have never faced these challenges. It's not just being low income or from a divorced family or whatever. It's living for years fearing that your adopted sibling might kill you or your mom tonight. And I've been criticized several times in this thread as a psycho for hiding the kitchen knives at night. WTF? I wasn't hiding them to use as weapons. I was hiding them to prevent my 14 yo damaged sister from stabbing me or our mom in the dark. Like several other adopted kids we knew did to their parents in our adoption group.

And I was 19. So sue me if you think I was dangerous for taking the kitchen knives and hiding them at night. I did what I thought would protect me and our mom. And you want to throw me in the crazed loony bin. I was suffering and struggling and meanwhile triple majoring in 3 STEM college degrees. I got 800 on GRE quantitative, 790 Analytical, 750 verbal. I SURVIVED and THRIVED. I was a smart kid, born into a poor, dysfunctional family, but I clawed my way up.

And some PP wants to say I'm dangerous for hiding knives. Well, I kept myself and my mother alive, and I now have a good relationship with my "fixed" sister. I think I made the correct decision.

OP - there is hope. You are at the depths of despair, but there are people and organizations who can help you. Please have hope.

Again this isn’t about you or siblings. This child has mental health issues and needs help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Meant to say, I can't believe I "survived" this messy situation. I was first in my family to go to college and ended up triple majoring in 3 STEM degrees, all while going thru this nightmare.

Imagine studying Physics w/Calculus problems, taking 18-21 credit hours of Engineering and Computer courses, spending hours in the computer lab, and needing to rush home to make sure Mom was ok.

It was a relief when she went to this school, and an even more celebration when she graduated and was a successful and contributing adult.





This isn’t about you.

That's a nasty comment. Adoption/foster care IS about other children in the house. As an adoptive mom to kids who were older at time of placement, I would have been wracked with guilt had we already had bio kids in the home given some of the behaviors we experienced. People who already have children in the home should think long and hard before embarking on adoption or foster care because they already have lives for which they are responsible. And choosing to adopt kids who may experience life long challenges and needs will---at some point---burden your existing children. Yes, bio families can have children with special needs but that is not the same as affirmatively making the choice to create that situation for your existing children. Kudos to the PP who survived the chaos. A wise (and regretful) parent once told me that no family should allow the most disruptive member to control the family dynamic, as it is profoundly unfair to everyone else. Your family did the right thing to send your sister to treatment. We made a similar choice and also had positive results.

Thank you. i was trying to show that while this affects siblings, it's possible for us siblings in the trenches to thrive. Hopefully OP can get good suggestions for help for her child and know that their siblings can possibly do well in the end.

It's difficult when you get criticized from people who you suspect have never faced these challenges. It's not just being low income or from a divorced family or whatever. It's living for years fearing that your adopted sibling might kill you or your mom tonight. And I've been criticized several times in this thread as a psycho for hiding the kitchen knives at night. WTF? I wasn't hiding them to use as weapons. I was hiding them to prevent my 14 yo damaged sister from stabbing me or our mom in the dark. Like several other adopted kids we knew did to their parents in our adoption group.

And I was 19. So sue me if you think I was dangerous for taking the kitchen knives and hiding them at night. I did what I thought would protect me and our mom. And you want to throw me in the crazed loony bin. I was suffering and struggling and meanwhile triple majoring in 3 STEM college degrees. I got 800 on GRE quantitative, 790 Analytical, 750 verbal. I SURVIVED and THRIVED. I was a smart kid, born into a poor, dysfunctional family, but I clawed my way up.

And some PP wants to say I'm dangerous for hiding knives. Well, I kept myself and my mother alive, and I now have a good relationship with my "fixed" sister. I think I made the correct decision.

OP - there is hope. You are at the depths of despair, but there are people and organizations who can help you. Please have hope.

Again this isn’t about you or siblings. This child has mental health issues and needs help.

NP: Please stop. The sister is sharing valuable insight from someone who had been there. Her stories are eye opening and may help this family make decisions for their child.

You are not providing anything helpful, just insulting her. If you have something to offer, please do—else maybe leave this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Meant to say, I can't believe I "survived" this messy situation. I was first in my family to go to college and ended up triple majoring in 3 STEM degrees, all while going thru this nightmare.

Imagine studying Physics w/Calculus problems, taking 18-21 credit hours of Engineering and Computer courses, spending hours in the computer lab, and needing to rush home to make sure Mom was ok.

It was a relief when she went to this school, and an even more celebration when she graduated and was a successful and contributing adult.





This isn’t about you.

That's a nasty comment. Adoption/foster care IS about other children in the house. As an adoptive mom to kids who were older at time of placement, I would have been wracked with guilt had we already had bio kids in the home given some of the behaviors we experienced. People who already have children in the home should think long and hard before embarking on adoption or foster care because they already have lives for which they are responsible. And choosing to adopt kids who may experience life long challenges and needs will---at some point---burden your existing children. Yes, bio families can have children with special needs but that is not the same as affirmatively making the choice to create that situation for your existing children. Kudos to the PP who survived the chaos. A wise (and regretful) parent once told me that no family should allow the most disruptive member to control the family dynamic, as it is profoundly unfair to everyone else. Your family did the right thing to send your sister to treatment. We made a similar choice and also had positive results.

Thank you. i was trying to show that while this affects siblings, it's possible for us siblings in the trenches to thrive. Hopefully OP can get good suggestions for help for her child and know that their siblings can possibly do well in the end.

It's difficult when you get criticized from people who you suspect have never faced these challenges. It's not just being low income or from a divorced family or whatever. It's living for years fearing that your adopted sibling might kill you or your mom tonight. And I've been criticized several times in this thread as a psycho for hiding the kitchen knives at night. WTF? I wasn't hiding them to use as weapons. I was hiding them to prevent my 14 yo damaged sister from stabbing me or our mom in the dark. Like several other adopted kids we knew did to their parents in our adoption group.

And I was 19. So sue me if you think I was dangerous for taking the kitchen knives and hiding them at night. I did what I thought would protect me and our mom. And you want to throw me in the crazed loony bin. I was suffering and struggling and meanwhile triple majoring in 3 STEM college degrees. I got 800 on GRE quantitative, 790 Analytical, 750 verbal. I SURVIVED and THRIVED. I was a smart kid, born into a poor, dysfunctional family, but I clawed my way up.

And some PP wants to say I'm dangerous for hiding knives. Well, I kept myself and my mother alive, and I now have a good relationship with my "fixed" sister. I think I made the correct decision.

OP - there is hope. You are at the depths of despair, but there are people and organizations who can help you. Please have hope.

Again this isn’t about you or siblings. This child has mental health issues and needs help.

Yes it also is. OP has a troubled child and siblings. I'm sure OP is also worried about the effect on the siblings. This is giving the parent hope that the siblings can thrive while also getting help for the troubled child. My story shows success for the troubled adopted child and also for the affected, stressed out siblings.

Would it be that hard for you to say, hey you survived despite the odds, yay you, and hooray for your parents getting your sister the needed help, maybe OP can find the same help and at the same time help the siblings by removing the immediate stress.

No, you just want to be mean and put down someone who struggled in the same situation OP has presented. If I were OP, I would love to hear success stories where the adopted child succeeded and the affected siblings thrived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hospitalize her.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like you have much choice, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Military school.

This seems problematic. . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents adopted my sister at age 7 in the 70's. She had been neglected - her drug addicted mother left her home alone at age 4 to babysit 2 younger brothers ages 1&2. All three were with a foster family from age 4-7, then the family adopted the youngest boy and said they couldn't take my sister and the older boy.

She was "fine" until about age 12, which is also when my parents divorced. She never was able to trust and truly bond with anyone and basically did not have a conscience. She was a nightmare until age 15 - lying, stealing and very violent. I was a commuter college student and would hide the kitchen knives every night. Sometimes I came home and she had my mom pinned to the ground and wouldn't let her go.

My (divorced) parents sued the state adoption agency and won in court. The state had neuro testing done that showed issues but they never informed my parents. So they wasted 5 years not getting treatment.

The state was ordered to pay $30K per year for a special residential school (this was in early 80's). She was there for 3 years and they did "fix" her.

She married at 19 and they are still married. She became a vet tech and has been a socially responsible person.

Several other families in my parents local adoptive group also adopted older kids. Everyone dealt with the same issues. One kid tried to burn down their house, another tried to stab the mother. My sister's 2 brothers have been in prison for decades for drugs and other crimes.

I believe the term now is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Oprah did a show on these types of kids decades ago that I saw and I said - that's my sister!

Regular counseling is not going to help. You need to find local professionals who can steer you into solutions for RAD. It's probably going to involve institutional care. Hopefully you have funds to pay for it.

I am so sorry for what your family went through. And I am so impressed with their commitment. As hard as the road was, this is an amazing success story and your family is unbelievable.

This is something parents go through with a child with mental illness or other reasons. You can’t return your child due to a “defect “ whether you gave birth or adopted her. She’s your child.

I don’t think too many kids in this situation would have a normal test result. I’m surprised she wasn’t tested at school including a complete neuro work up. Your mother should have insisted when she started having difficulty. The recommendation would probably be a residential school. I’m glad they got her help before it got too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two more years and she will be 18 and then you can cut all ties.

Heartless. So many callous cruel self centered nasty miserable people who can cut ties without a second thought. The child is suffering from some serious health issues and you recommend a countdown until the day the mother is free. Does that only apply to adopted children?

I hope you don’t have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents adopted my sister at age 7 in the 70's. She had been neglected - her drug addicted mother left her home alone at age 4 to babysit 2 younger brothers ages 1&2. All three were with a foster family from age 4-7, then the family adopted the youngest boy and said they couldn't take my sister and the older boy.

She was "fine" until about age 12, which is also when my parents divorced. She never was able to trust and truly bond with anyone and basically did not have a conscience. She was a nightmare until age 15 - lying, stealing and very violent. I was a commuter college student and would hide the kitchen knives every night. Sometimes I came home and she had my mom pinned to the ground and wouldn't let her go.

My (divorced) parents sued the state adoption agency and won in court. The state had neuro testing done that showed issues but they never informed my parents. So they wasted 5 years not getting treatment.

The state was ordered to pay $30K per year for a special residential school (this was in early 80's). She was there for 3 years and they did "fix" her.

She married at 19 and they are still married. She became a vet tech and has been a socially responsible person.

Several other families in my parents local adoptive group also adopted older kids. Everyone dealt with the same issues. One kid tried to burn down their house, another tried to stab the mother. My sister's 2 brothers have been in prison for decades for drugs and other crimes.

I believe the term now is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Oprah did a show on these types of kids decades ago that I saw and I said - that's my sister!

Regular counseling is not going to help. You need to find local professionals who can steer you into solutions for RAD. It's probably going to involve institutional care. Hopefully you have funds to pay for it.

I am so sorry for what your family went through. And I am so impressed with their commitment. As hard as the road was, this is an amazing success story and your family is unbelievable.

This is something parents go through with a child with mental illness or other reasons. You can’t return your child due to a “defect “ whether you gave birth or adopted her. She’s your child.

I don’t think too many kids in this situation would have a normal test result. I’m surprised she wasn’t tested at school including a complete neuro work up. Your mother should have insisted when she started having difficulty. The recommendation would probably be a residential school. I’m glad they got her help before it got too bad.

Easy to suggest that now. 30+ years ago? Not so much info and sometimes a lot of stigma associated with mental health issues. Mental health issues like this affect the whole family. It was good to point that out above and broaden op’s perspective and show that positive outcomes can occur.