Adoption Not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I understanding this correctly. A couple adopted 2 kids, 5 and 6 years old. Now 10 years later the kids are teenagers and the adoptive parents want out?

Bad teenagers are the result of bad parenting, not the fault of the adoption or the child

Observing my friends who have adopted, the issues the kids experienced as children tend to come out when they become teens.

But they are still a permanent family, just like biological families. It is wrong to think otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I was under the impression that adoption agencies do a good job in educating and evaluating families that want to adopt.


Even with education, I think some experiences are too extreme that you just can’t imagine what it’s like or that it could happen to you. I mean people who know all of the horrible things that can happen to a biological child still go on to procreate because the desire outweighs the risk and they don’t believe it will happen to them.

As a parent via adoption, I do NOT think that adoption agencies do a good job with educating families. Adoption agencies are in the business of getting kids adopted---so while they do a good job on educating families on topics like "how to navigate issues in transracial adoptions" they do a very poor job in truly educating families about more common issues such a fetal alcohol exposure, which is statistically much higher with adopted and foster kids.
All the people railing on how this must be the adoptive parents' fault are not understanding how FASD impacted kids develop. FASD is a brain injury that often effects emotional self-regulation, developmental maturity, etc. The impacts become much more apparent when kids reach tweens/teens and the developmental maturity and reasoning divide between a neurotypical adolescent and a FASD affected one become stark. All teenagers are hormonal roller-coasters, but add FASD dysmaturity and you can have a teen with all the typical teen physical urges but the reasoning ability of a much younger child. Add in the emotional dysregulation and you can suddenly have a teen that flies into a rage and physically assaults a parent with the same type of developmental lack of self control of a toddler, but in a young adult body.

Adoptive parents need to do their homework.

Adoption is not a reversible decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three adopted kids and one was like this - notice I said was. Here’s what we did.

Self harm - immediate trip to the Er which resulted in hospitalization 50% of the time.

Violence and property damage- police were called who took kid to ER, sometimes in handcuffs. When ER called we refused to come so kid was admitted.

Residential treatment. PP describes a program they used and it is a good description for what we used. We only considered programs where staff had adoption experience and experience with attachment disorders including RAD.

After that, specialized public school non mainstream program - which fortunately we didn’t have to pay for.

We did things like applying for jobs for him and driving him to work when he got the jobs.

Things that didn’t work - therapy.

It was a long road and my child even ended up Homeless for a minute. But early on we realized we needed to identify our lines in the sand and stick to them - and those lines were zero tolerance For violence or drugs among things like going to school and working. That consistency plus the outside support got us to a successful place. We did have to compromise o things like smoking but we placed line in the sand limits.

Today my young adult is in college,
Working and a pleasure to live with.

You are an excellent child.

Your son lucked out, after his bad luck with his original/ bio parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three adopted kids and one was like this - notice I said was. Here’s what we did.

Self harm - immediate trip to the Er which resulted in hospitalization 50% of the time.

Violence and property damage- police were called who took kid to ER, sometimes in handcuffs. When ER called we refused to come so kid was admitted.

Residential treatment. PP describes a program they used and it is a good description for what we used. We only considered programs where staff had adoption experience and experience with attachment disorders including RAD.

After that, specialized public school non mainstream program - which fortunately we didn’t have to pay for.

We did things like applying for jobs for him and driving him to work when he got the jobs.

Things that didn’t work - therapy.

It was a long road and my child even ended up Homeless for a minute. But early on we realized we needed to identify our lines in the sand and stick to them - and those lines were zero tolerance For violence or drugs among things like going to school and working. That consistency plus the outside support got us to a successful place. We did have to compromise o things like smoking but we placed line in the sand limits.

Today my young adult is in college,
Working and a pleasure to live with.

You are an excellent child.

Your son lucked out, after his bad luck with his original/ bio parents.

Sorry! First line should read, “You are an excellent PARENT.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a post-permanency specialist. Look that up in your state. Usually their services are free.

Note the word “permanent .”

That is what the decision to parent is (for responsible adults).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents adopted my sister at age 7 in the 70's. She had been neglected - her drug addicted mother left her home alone at age 4 to babysit 2 younger brothers ages 1&2. All three were with a foster family from age 4-7, then the family adopted the youngest boy and said they couldn't take my sister and the older boy.

She was "fine" until about age 12, which is also when my parents divorced. She never was able to trust and truly bond with anyone and basically did not have a conscience. She was a nightmare until age 15 - lying, stealing and very violent. I was a commuter college student and would hide the kitchen knives every night. Sometimes I came home and she had my mom pinned to the ground and wouldn't let her go.

My (divorced) parents sued the state adoption agency and won in court. The state had neuro testing done that showed issues but they never informed my parents. So they wasted 5 years not getting treatment.

The state was ordered to pay $30K per year for a special residential school (this was in early 80's). She was there for 3 years and they did "fix" her.

She married at 19 and they are still married. She became a vet tech and has been a socially responsible person.

Several other families in my parents local adoptive group also adopted older kids. Everyone dealt with the same issues. One kid tried to burn down their house, another tried to stab the mother. My sister's 2 brothers have been in prison for decades for drugs and other crimes.

I believe the term now is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Oprah did a show on these types of kids decades ago that I saw and I said - that's my sister!

Regular counseling is not going to help. You need to find local professionals who can steer you into solutions for RAD. It's probably going to involve institutional care. Hopefully you have funds to pay for it.

Anyone who adopts an older child is warned that they will have issues.

Love does not solve every impact of trauma.

Maybe the religious or immature romanticize what they are taking on, but mature adoptive parents who read even one book should have a good sense of what they might be taking on.

[Anonymous]

I've got a teenager at TJ that is a lunatic. This is developmentally normal. It sucks. You'll survive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents adopted my sister at age 7 in the 70's. She had been neglected - her drug addicted mother left her home alone at age 4 to babysit 2 younger brothers ages 1&2. All three were with a foster family from age 4-7, then the family adopted the youngest boy and said they couldn't take my sister and the older boy.

She was "fine" until about age 12, which is also when my parents divorced. She never was able to trust and truly bond with anyone and basically did not have a conscience. She was a nightmare until age 15 - lying, stealing and very violent. I was a commuter college student and would hide the kitchen knives every night. Sometimes I came home and she had my mom pinned to the ground and wouldn't let her go.

My (divorced) parents sued the state adoption agency and won in court. The state had neuro testing done that showed issues but they never informed my parents. So they wasted 5 years not getting treatment.

The state was ordered to pay $30K per year for a special residential school (this was in early 80's). She was there for 3 years and they did "fix" her.

She married at 19 and they are still married. She became a vet tech and has been a socially responsible person.

Several other families in my parents local adoptive group also adopted older kids. Everyone dealt with the same issues. One kid tried to burn down their house, another tried to stab the mother. My sister's 2 brothers have been in prison for decades for drugs and other crimes.

I believe the term now is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Oprah did a show on these types of kids decades ago that I saw and I said - that's my sister!

Regular counseling is not going to help. You need to find local professionals who can steer you into solutions for RAD. It's probably going to involve institutional care. Hopefully you have funds to pay for it.

Anyone who adopts an older child is warned that they will have issues.

Love does not solve every impact of trauma.

Maybe the religious or immature romanticize what they are taking on, but mature adoptive parents who read even one book should have a good sense of what they might be taking on.

It’s not just past abuse and neglect but also genetics.

[Anonymous]

Yes to genetics too. My friend’s bio son, now 13, has always been a trouble maker with violent tendencies. Kicked out of multiple schools, public and private. Finally diagnosed as bipolar (and possibly on the spectrum) and some reactional disorder but he’s not fully controlled on medication.

Turns out, friend’s dad was violent and threatened to kill her mother before the family finally escaped him.

Multiple specialists and years of therapy have barely helped him. Meds help temporarily but also can cause harmful medical side effects so probably not a long term solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents adopted my sister at age 7 in the 70's. She had been neglected - her drug addicted mother left her home alone at age 4 to babysit 2 younger brothers ages 1&2. All three were with a foster family from age 4-7, then the family adopted the youngest boy and said they couldn't take my sister and the older boy.

She was "fine" until about age 12, which is also when my parents divorced. She never was able to trust and truly bond with anyone and basically did not have a conscience. She was a nightmare until age 15 - lying, stealing and very violent. I was a commuter college student and would hide the kitchen knives every night. Sometimes I came home and she had my mom pinned to the ground and wouldn't let her go.

My (divorced) parents sued the state adoption agency and won in court. The state had neuro testing done that showed issues but they never informed my parents. So they wasted 5 years not getting treatment.

The state was ordered to pay $30K per year for a special residential school (this was in early 80's). She was there for 3 years and they did "fix" her.

She married at 19 and they are still married. She became a vet tech and has been a socially responsible person.

Several other families in my parents local adoptive group also adopted older kids. Everyone dealt with the same issues. One kid tried to burn down their house, another tried to stab the mother. My sister's 2 brothers have been in prison for decades for drugs and other crimes.

I believe the term now is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Oprah did a show on these types of kids decades ago that I saw and I said - that's my sister!

Regular counseling is not going to help. You need to find local professionals who can steer you into solutions for RAD. It's probably going to involve institutional care. Hopefully you have funds to pay for it.

If you carried a knife, you were also pretty concerning.

You can’t read. It’s concerning that you think you should post your confused ramblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes to genetics too. My friend’s bio son, now 13, has always been a trouble maker with violent tendencies. Kicked out of multiple schools, public and private. Finally diagnosed as bipolar (and possibly on the spectrum) and some reactional disorder but he’s not fully controlled on medication.

Turns out, friend’s dad was violent and threatened to kill her mother before the family finally escaped him.

Multiple specialists and years of therapy have barely helped him. Meds help temporarily but also can cause harmful medical side effects so probably not a long term solution.

Bipolar is hard to treat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an experience where the adoption did not work? Adoption of siblings took place 10 years ago. At the time DDs were 5 and 6. Fast forward to ages 15 & 16 and the older sibling is making life unbearable and unsafe. She has made it clear that she wants no part of the family. At 11 she declared that she was done with us and the running away began. We have had contact with several doctors, counselors, therapists, and now police but nothing has helped. She has caused significant damage to the home, neighbor's homes and school. She has also become violent with her sibling and me. There is an 80 year old in the household as well and she is terrified. Any suggestions for next steps?

Any of her problems stem from your attitude that the adoption is not working? By not working you mean she isn’t the dream child you wanted? I really feel for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Meant to say, I can't believe I "survived" this messy situation. I was first in my family to go to college and ended up triple majoring in 3 STEM degrees, all while going thru this nightmare.

Imagine studying Physics w/Calculus problems, taking 18-21 credit hours of Engineering and Computer courses, spending hours in the computer lab, and needing to rush home to make sure Mom was ok.

It was a relief when she went to this school, and an even more celebration when she graduated and was a successful and contributing adult.





This isn’t about you.

That's a nasty comment. Adoption/foster care IS about other children in the house. As an adoptive mom to kids who were older at time of placement, I would have been wracked with guilt had we already had bio kids in the home given some of the behaviors we experienced. People who already have children in the home should think long and hard before embarking on adoption or foster care because they already have lives for which they are responsible. And choosing to adopt kids who may experience life long challenges and needs will---at some point---burden your existing children. Yes, bio families can have children with special needs but that is not the same as affirmatively making the choice to create that situation for your existing children. Kudos to the PP who survived the chaos. A wise (and regretful) parent once told me that no family should allow the most disruptive member to control the family dynamic, as it is profoundly unfair to everyone else. Your family did the right thing to send your sister to treatment. We made a similar choice and also had positive results.

Thank you. i was trying to show that while this affects siblings, it's possible for us siblings in the trenches to thrive. Hopefully OP can get good suggestions for help for her child and know that their siblings can possibly do well in the end.

It's difficult when you get criticized from people who you suspect have never faced these challenges. It's not just being low income or from a divorced family or whatever. It's living for years fearing that your adopted sibling might kill you or your mom tonight. And I've been criticized several times in this thread as a psycho for hiding the kitchen knives at night. WTF? I wasn't hiding them to use as weapons. I was hiding them to prevent my 14 yo damaged sister from stabbing me or our mom in the dark. Like several other adopted kids we knew did to their parents in our adoption group.

And I was 19. So sue me if you think I was dangerous for taking the kitchen knives and hiding them at night. I did what I thought would protect me and our mom. And you want to throw me in the crazed loony bin. I was suffering and struggling and meanwhile triple majoring in 3 STEM college degrees. I got 800 on GRE quantitative, 790 Analytical, 750 verbal. I SURVIVED and THRIVED. I was a smart kid, born into a poor, dysfunctional family, but I clawed my way up.

And some PP wants to say I'm dangerous for hiding knives. Well, I kept myself and my mother alive, and I now have a good relationship with my "fixed" sister. I think I made the correct decision.

OP - there is hope. You are at the depths of despair, but there are people and organizations who can help you. Please have hope.

I get you. Don't know why you are being attacked for defensive moves. Some people on here are just nutso.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see this all the time as a school administrator. I call it "buyers remorse".

As a psychologist, I've seen this several times as well and it makes me furious. An adoption is a commitment to be a parent. If you wouldn't relinquish/abandon a biological child to the state you should not do the same with an adopted child.

+1000

[Anonymous]

I am not sure if the OP is still reading this but in case they are, post-permanency supports in both Virginia and Maryland are provided by the Center for Adoption Support and Education (CASE). They are free in both states.

If OP is out of state, they should google post-adoption or post-permanency for some local options.