Stunned by a teen girl. How is this cordial behavior learned or is it innate?

[Anonymous]

It can be taught if modeled a lot. My DH grew up in a family that never had dinner parties. He had no idea what that's like and was general awkward with more than 2 ppl at a time. I grew up with a ton of people always over at the table. Learned to toast at a young age, how to host, how to check on guests. After 15 years together, DH has become a great, attentive host. He knows what to do and who to talk to etc. He's more introverted in general but tells a good story and he knows how to manage it now. We have people over for dinner often now with kids and my WS kids know how to behave, sit at the table, ask the grownups questions. The 4th grader will choose to stay at the table and talk with grownups instead of playing with kids after they are all excused post the meal. She is generally an anxious kid in new situations but at home with people over she is in her element.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:300 guests?

Yes, coming and going. That also does not mean she gave 300 personal goodbyes. Most there were couples and couples with one or two kids. Maybe she did around 100 of those thank you goodbyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the nature of the gathering? My usually shy daughter is like this but when she is in host or teacher mode, she acts like a charming, gregarious leader. It depends on whether she feels as if she's been "deputized" to do so based on her role at the event

Sounds like a bat mitzvah to this Jewish poster. I smiled so long at mine that my face hurt by the end of the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gathering last weekend for a colleague’s daughter. Normal looking and her mom has told me over the years she’s just a regular, average student and sort of shy, not terribly popular — not a boisterous type-A overachieving homecoming queen Elle Woods or anything.

Apparently she can turn it “on” for large gatherings because we were blown away how she worked the crowd of 300+ people coming and going, and when we left, she ran out to our car to personally thank us. Charming, warm, eye contact, quick little stories and then gracefully moved on.

I told her mom this week how lovely her daughter was and how she ran out to say bye and thank you to us. She said everyone was saying the same and that she made sure to personally do that for all 300+ guests!

I’m asking because I’m jealous. Our daughter is a great student and outgoing but absolutely nothing like that. Do parents actually teach their teens to behave this way and turn it “on” in a large gathering?

I don't think this can really be taught. My daughter is also very good at this and has been since she was a child. I don't know about in a party of 300 people, but in any gathering she can hold her own.

I will say this much - generally, and not just to you PP - if your kid does not know or practice the very basic norm of introducing themselves and shaking hands then TEACH THEM. Force it. I watched a couple of my daughter's friends not even know how to say, "Hi, I'm Susie, nice to meet you" to others at the party we hosted. Makes a very bad impression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience it’s taught, but not all teens can pull it off. Teens who can are usually old souls. She’ll blossom in the right college.

Taught how? My daughter is not shy, extremely involved and social at school — but if we recommended behaving this way she’d think we were insane. Our higher achieving daughter would seem cold and unappreciative in the exact same setting.

I’m the pp. My DC was shy and anxious so DH and I made a concerted effort to teach manners such as a firm handshake, look someone in the eye when talking, small talk topics, etc. If you have an outgoing child I suspect you don’t have to teach them these skills as much because they run off to a group of friends as soon as they get to a gathering. Once DC was a teen the skills we taught are second nature and they are extremely comfortable around adults in social settings.

[Anonymous]

300 people for this one girl?

[Anonymous]

It’s an extroverted personality.

[Anonymous]

I probably came across like that as a teen. My dad was a politician and I was frequently in social settings and expected to interact with adults from the time I was a toddler. I think naturally I am shyer than that but I was put in the situation of having to socialize so much that I developed those skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The gathering was in her honor? I would have made sure my child greeted and thanked all of the guests at some point. That's a lot of people, though--good for her!

You missed the point. The kid has exceptional people skills. It’s a type of personality that people are drawn to and it’s not common. It’s more than just being taught manners. She’ll do well in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gathering last weekend for a colleague’s daughter. Normal looking and her mom has told me over the years she’s just a regular, average student and sort of shy, not terribly popular — not a boisterous type-A overachieving homecoming queen Elle Woods or anything.

Apparently she can turn it “on” for large gatherings because we were blown away how she worked the crowd of 300+ people coming and going, and when we left, she ran out to our car to personally thank us. Charming, warm, eye contact, quick little stories and then gracefully moved on.

I told her mom this week how lovely her daughter was and how she ran out to say bye and thank you to us. She said everyone was saying the same and that she made sure to personally do that for all 300+ guests!

I’m asking because I’m jealous. Our daughter is a great student and outgoing but absolutely nothing like that. Do parents actually teach their teens to behave this way and turn it “on” in a large gathering?

I don't think this can really be taught. My daughter is also very good at this and has been since she was a child. I don't know about in a party of 300 people, but in any gathering she can hold her own.

I will say this much - generally, and not just to you PP - if your kid does not know or practice the very basic norm of introducing themselves and shaking hands then TEACH THEM. Force it. I watched a couple of my daughter's friends not even know how to say, "Hi, I'm Susie, nice to meet you" to others at the party we hosted. Makes a very bad impression.

Everyone can be taught manners. It’s the girl’s charisma that can’t be taught.

[Anonymous]

Sad that OP’s reaction was jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Seems like a great kid. I have one who will do this with adults. She is 12. My older daughter would do this with her peers.

[Anonymous]

This sounds more like innate charisma than manners.

[Anonymous]

Reserved and shy are 2 different things. Maybe that’s what the mother really meant. I agree with the pp who said she has probably had experience talking to adults. I can remember my DH talking to my sons about meeting college reps. Shake hands, look them in the eye and introduce yourself. My kids didn’t mumble with their head down so some teens do come off that way. Much of this is all teachable.

[Anonymous]

My teen dd could do this at a party, but might absolutely melt down at another situation that she is anxious about.

You can be jealous, but I assure you that teen you saw is not perfect. There are some things your kids do better, you just haven’t seen them. Comparison is the thief of joy.