My mom is always picking time with my sister over time with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My sister lives 3 hour drive away while I live a 10 hour drive away, so they see each other a lot more for the little things

Well, it’s natural that Mom can spend more time with them and they developed more of a relationship. OP, as I read your comments, it seems like you are more concerned with the fairness of the time split rather than the relationship. I don’t know if that’s how you feel, it’s hard to convey complicated dynamics online.

If you want a closer relationship, then I would say take the initiative. Don’t make it about your sister. Or even your kids. Focus on connecting with your mom as a person, and let things grow. Talk to her about wanting to be closer without placing a time label on it. See what happens. Maybe she will be more open to you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Op, you buried the lede - your sister lives three hours away and you live ten hours away. That is HUGE. Of course she visits your sister more! She's only three hours away!

Stop comparing. Work towards spending the amount of time YOU want to spend with her. That may mean YOU visiting HER more. And stop worrying about how it compares to your sister.

And make sure you dont treat her like the nanny when she is there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a great group of friends. It’s time to focus more on your family and friends and not worry so much about your parents and extended family.

Do you actually want to spend more than a week in the summer with your parents?

Is your sister divorced? Are you? It sounds like there is more to this dynamic.

If it was me, I’d really drop the rope with them. They just aren’t that in to you and your kids. And that’s ok. Focus on the people who are.

Neither of us are divorced, we strangely both have husbands with pretty significant mental health issues (that don't hugely impact visits and do in roughly the same way) - which is probably part of the dynamic now that i think about it. Neither of us get the adult support or partnership you typically would from a spouse, both our marriages are very one sided support so maybe we each look for that mutually supportive adult relationship more with our mom than typical. I don't turn to her with my problems (she's never been great with emotional stuff and I worry of creating a negative/downer tone to our interactions) but could overweight wanting to feel important and like a priority to her b/c my husband is incapable of prioritizing anything beyond his own needs

Historically no I didn't want more than a week with them but I am really acutely feeling the clock ticking down on their good time so do want to make the most of it. I have a flexible and remote job some more time with them doesn't come at a cost of other trips (they also live in a great summer spot and are fun when they visit us so a week with them doesn't feel like a drag)

[Anonymous]

Op, you're coming across as very competitive and score keeping. You don't want to spend time with your mom. You want to "win" more time from your sister.

Your mom probably doesn't enjoy visiting you because of this competitive personality you have so she doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Why don't the three of you travel together. I gather you don't have a good relationship with your sister.

[Anonymous]

At one point you'll tell them both to their face that since your mother still spends the bulk of her time with your sister, she will also be looked after by said sister in her old age.

And follow through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a great group of friends. It’s time to focus more on your family and friends and not worry so much about your parents and extended family.

Do you actually want to spend more than a week in the summer with your parents?

Is your sister divorced? Are you? It sounds like there is more to this dynamic.

If it was me, I’d really drop the rope with them. They just aren’t that in to you and your kids. And that’s ok. Focus on the people who are.

Neither of us are divorced, we strangely both have husbands with pretty significant mental health issues (that don't hugely impact visits and do in roughly the same way) - which is probably part of the dynamic now that i think about it. Neither of us get the adult support or partnership you typically would from a spouse, both our marriages are very one sided support so maybe we each look for that mutually supportive adult relationship more with our mom than typical. I don't turn to her with my problems (she's never been great with emotional stuff and I worry of creating a negative/downer tone to our interactions) but could overweight wanting to feel important and like a priority to her b/c my husband is incapable of prioritizing anything beyond his own needs

Historically no I didn't want more than a week with them but I am really acutely feeling the clock ticking down on their good time so do want to make the most of it. I have a flexible and remote job some more time with them doesn't come at a cost of other trips (they also live in a great summer spot and are fun when they visit us so a week with them doesn't feel like a drag)

It wouldn't be mutual though--it would be pretty one sided

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
At one point you'll tell them both to their face that since your mother still spends the bulk of her time with your sister, she will also be looked after by said sister in her old age.

And follow through.

This is what my mother did - but never said in so many words. She was the last of 7 kids, and her mother slapped her around when she was little, and told her she never wanted her, she wanted a son. She was pretty badly neglected. My Grandma was on better terms with some of her other daughters, and when she needed help in her old age, they came to her rescue. My mother always made excuses not to pitch in. She had my father's and my full support, of course. She was never able to say out loud to her family why she didn't help out, but I think they understood. Essentially, you reap what you sow.

Your mother appears to be a loving parent, unlike my Grandma, but still. Relationships are two-way streets. If she has no interest in spending time with you, you shouldn't bend over backwards if ever she needs you, OP. Just do what you can without over-extending yourself and let your sister bear the brunt of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
At one point you'll tell them both to their face that since your mother still spends the bulk of her time with your sister, she will also be looked after by said sister in her old age.

And follow through.

The mom would clearly prefer that so it's not the flex you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
At one point you'll tell them both to their face that since your mother still spends the bulk of her time with your sister, she will also be looked after by said sister in her old age.

And follow through.

The mom would clearly prefer that so it's not the flex you think it is.

It's not a flex, how weird you should think that. It's a recognition of consequences for everyone. The mother probably prefers it, the sister might not (too bad for her, she appears to be selfishly monopolizing her mother right now), and OP can prepare herself right now to refuse shame and guilt when the time comes for her to avoid caring for her mother.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I get why your mom avoids you. You seem exhausting to be around. You think you are a better than everyone else. Obviously your family prefers to not be around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're coming across as very competitive and score keeping. You don't want to spend time with your mom. You want to "win" more time from your sister.

Your mom probably doesn't enjoy visiting you because of this competitive personality you have so she doesn't.

You have poor reading comprehension and shouldn’t bother responding with your nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would just call her out on it point blank. Seeing her reactions and explanations might tell you a lot about why she does this.

Or just try expressing your feelings, instead of “calling her out.”

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. I understand why this is hurtful. I am really impressed with how you’ve handled it. You seem self-reflecting and sincere. I especially applaud your decision and ability to stop guilt-tripping her. I hope you find peace with this.

[Anonymous]

OP I come from a family where there was dysfunction and playing favorites and so much more. I suggest radical acceptance. This stinks, it's unfair, it's hurtful, but you need to accept it and move forward.

You tried to address it and she got defensive. She showed you who she is and that she is not going to change. Let your mom be who she is. Don't be surprised if she still has a whole bunch of over the top expectations from you as she ages though...that's another post.

You cannot change this, but you are in control of your own happiness. Use the time you hoped to spend with mom to do activities you enjoy and see friends. When you see your mom, have low expectations. Keep things polite, but accept that she is not going to meet your emotional needs. You will find peace and joy once you free yourself from expectations of your mom that she will not meet.