ILs pushing their religion on our family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ILs are extremely religious. Every gift for the kids is religious based. DH and I have always been respectful although we don't share the same beliefs. They have started pushing more with texts, emails, books, videos and pulling DH or I aside that we need to find religion. DH is ready to completely cut them off since they can't seem to respect our beliefs. Is there any way to talk to someone like this? No matter how often we say no thank you, they keep pushing.

That’s weird. Especially in this day and age. But sounds like nothing terrible going on or ordering you around.

They should stop the emails and texts and multimedia stuff. But if you want to go to the church dinner night or temple holiday, are you really so against that community in any way, shape or form?

Some places of worship have weekly school hour, sports teams, k-8 schools, and fun holy days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ILs are extremely religious. Every gift for the kids is religious based. DH and I have always been respectful although we don't share the same beliefs. They have started pushing more with texts, emails, books, videos and pulling DH or I aside that we need to find religion. DH is ready to completely cut them off since they can't seem to respect our beliefs. Is there any way to talk to someone like this? No matter how often we say no thank you, they keep pushing.

Nope run away.
Keep running.
No good can come from their utter BS.

Sorry OP but his is an absolute deal breaker.

They respect your thoughts and choices or they are cut off. Period.

Religion is a cult, especially for people like your inlaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ILs are extremely religious. Every gift for the kids is religious based. DH and I have always been respectful although we don't share the same beliefs. They have started pushing more with texts, emails, books, videos and pulling DH or I aside that we need to find religion. DH is ready to completely cut them off since they can't seem to respect our beliefs. Is there any way to talk to someone like this? No matter how often we say no thank you, they keep pushing.

That’s weird. Especially in this day and age. But sounds like nothing terrible going on or ordering you around.

They should stop the emails and texts and multimedia stuff. But if you want to go to the church dinner night or temple holiday, are you really so against that community in any way, shape or form?

Some places of worship have weekly school hour, sports teams, k-8 schools, and fun holy days.

So what if they are? Isnt religion a choice in this country? There is nothing wrong with them if they are "against" attending church related events - even if there is food or sports!

[Anonymous]

OP what denomination are ILs? In SOME denominations you could have luck having DH contact ILs pastor to appeal for help “this is what is happening, the family relationship is at risk, please advise…”. Believe it or not, a lot of pastors will be sympathetic to your side if politely presented, and may be able to get through to inlaws. It is nothing they haven’t heard before- and don’t generally want people feeling forced to attend their church or to see family rifts.

But it depends what denomination

[Anonymous]

I second the suggestion that your DH be direct with them. Politely declining hasn't gotten through to them and/or their church encourages members to persevere in their efforts to find the 'light of Jesus'. Believe you me, I know what that feels like. Your DH needs to clearly and unambiguously tell them that you will not be discussing religion and that you will not accept religiously themed gifts. People are often uncomfortable with such directness but you've already tried the soft method. That is not an effective technique with them.

Once they've, unambiguously, been told what your boundary is, you should expect them to test it. You and your DH need to be on the same page on the response to that. If you aren't going to be firm about the boundary, they will continue to push their religion on you. There will be excuses like, 'oh, it's just this little thing', 'oh, this isn't a big deal', 'oh, you're making too much out of this', 'oh, this really isn't religious', 'you mean you don't want to know what's going on in our lives?', etc. Holding firm is not the same as being rude. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ILs are extremely religious. Every gift for the kids is religious based. DH and I have always been respectful although we don't share the same beliefs. They have started pushing more with texts, emails, books, videos and pulling DH or I aside that we need to find religion. DH is ready to completely cut them off since they can't seem to respect our beliefs. Is there any way to talk to someone like this? No matter how often we say no thank you, they keep pushing.

That’s weird. Especially in this day and age. But sounds like nothing terrible going on or ordering you around.

They should stop the emails and texts and multimedia stuff. But if you want to go to the church dinner night or temple holiday, are you really so against that community in any way, shape or form?

Some places of worship have weekly school hour, sports teams, k-8 schools, and fun holy days.

Stop trying to paint it as OP being 'against the community'. It has nothing to do with the community and everything to do with shutting down poorly disguised attempts by OP's ILs to draw them in. Had the ILs been less persistent, perhaps OP and her family might feel comfortable going to the occassional church dinner but they aren't at that point now and might not ever get to that point. Nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your beliefs? You make it sound like ILs are one religion and you're another. I always find these types of posts somewhat suspect, a troll starting a topic out of boredom due to the scarcity of details. Is your hypothetical DH really going to completely cut off his parents for proselytizing? This is pretty extreme and not to mention childish and selfish.

I would tell your hypothetical DH to suck it up, smile politely, and just change the topic.

I thought OP made it pretty clear. ILs pushing their religion on our family DH and I have always been respectful although we don't share the same beliefs.

OP I think your dh should be upfront. Tell them he is on the verge of cutting them off if they do not stop. After that follow his lead.

No, it's not clear. "Their religion" = what does that mean? Are they Southern Baptist and their son married a Jewish woman and is raising the kids Jewish? Or is it the ILs are devoutly Christian and the son and DIL are culturally Christian meaning they celebrate Christmas but otherwise don't go to church, meaning they have no real belief.

Why would you cut off your parents because they are religious and want to share their faith? Cutting off is pretty serious. What does it even mean? We are no longer talking? That's pretty drastic. I have different political views from my parents but I don't "cut" them off for it.

I find it fascinating that for some people on here the default response is to cut off family members even just for differing opinions. People who say that always strike me as the ones with the real problems, not the family members they're cutting off.

Genuinely curious: Why does it matter what beliefs OP's family holds and what beliefs her ILs hold? Why isn't it enough their beliefs are different and OP's family wants to keep religion out of their relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I second the suggestion that your DH be direct with them. Politely declining hasn't gotten through to them and/or their church encourages members to persevere in their efforts to find the 'light of Jesus'. Believe you me, I know what that feels like. Your DH needs to clearly and unambiguously tell them that you will not be discussing religion and that you will not accept religiously themed gifts. People are often uncomfortable with such directness but you've already tried the soft method. That is not an effective technique with them.

Once they've, unambiguously, been told what your boundary is, you should expect them to test it. You and your DH need to be on the same page on the response to that. If you aren't going to be firm about the boundary, they will continue to push their religion on you. There will be excuses like, 'oh, it's just this little thing', 'oh, this isn't a big deal', 'oh, you're making too much out of this', 'oh, this really isn't religious', 'you mean you don't want to know what's going on in our lives?', etc. Holding firm is not the same as being rude. Good luck.

+1 as someone who has dealt with this as well. The usual politeness and softer approach will not work. In the ILs minds, they are making excuses- thinking “oh they are just busy, or a bit lazy, haven’t found a church home yet and need a nudge”. Or- they are holding out hope that their son agrees with them and is trying to “bring his spouse around” as that is easier for them to accept. DH needs to tell them clearly that there is NO chance whatsoever of a baptism- no matter what ILs do- and that the two of you are in agreement. He also needs to tell them that when the topic is brought up again, you will need to leave (or hang up the phone).

My guess is your DH has not done the above- is a nice guy who doesn’t want to hurt his parents’ feelings and is just hoping they will eventually give up and the problem will go away. This tends to be the way a lot of men handle problems with their parents IME. It isn’t always the worst strategy for other topics TBH but with religion he is going to have to man up and really draw a line….otherwise they will just keep pushing and end up causing a real rift/estrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think so mom sure they really believe that you need to be saved
From a life of eternal dammation and that their religion will bring you not only salvation but true happiness. It
Comes from a place of love. And I don’t think they can likely help themselves

Honestly this is what I would think too.
From their point of view—they are “risking their relationship with you” because it is worth the risk of it means that you will be saved through knowing Jesus Christ as your savior. Even if YOU don’t believe this, it’s important for you to understand WHY the only kind and compassionate choice *from their perspective* is to NOT leave it alone.
Sure—from a worldly view, they absolutely should just live and let live. And to a non-believer that makes perfect sense bc who cares what religion you are!
But the point is, they DO care because they care about YOU! And to shrug and just let it go means (to them) that they need to just keep their mouths shut while you condemn yourselves and their grandchildren to an eternity of separation from God.

The point of my post is not to persuade you to accept Christ (because I don’t think that a random post on a message board will do that anyway)—-but rather to persuade you to at least consider the purity of their motives and have compassion for their predicament. Rationally, given their worldview, wouldn’t you agree that if they are believers who just “let it go”—-that would make them incredibly heartless and selfish??? Are they supposed to pretend it doesn’t matter to them or that they are indifferent about where you spend eternity? That would make your lives easier and more cordial while you are all together, and I get that….but it wouldn’t make them very loving for them to prioritize pleasantries and not offending you over your eternal salvation. (Again—this assumes that the motivation comes from a sincerely held belief that without Christ, your souls will perish. That’s a lot to ask a parent/grandparent to just shrug off)

Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Stupid, ignorant love don't better than hate. Cut them out if they don't stop abusing you.

[Anonymous]

If my in-laws were Bible-believing Christians who believed that my husband and children and I were all going to spend eternity in hell unless we found Jesus, then I think I would actually be more offended if they were easily persuaded to stop trying to make sure that didn’t happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think so mom sure they really believe that you need to be saved
From a life of eternal dammation and that their religion will bring you not only salvation but true happiness. It
Comes from a place of love. And I don’t think they can likely help themselves

Honestly this is what I would think too.
From their point of view—they are “risking their relationship with you” because it is worth the risk of it means that you will be saved through knowing Jesus Christ as your savior. Even if YOU don’t believe this, it’s important for you to understand WHY the only kind and compassionate choice *from their perspective* is to NOT leave it alone.
Sure—from a worldly view, they absolutely should just live and let live. And to a non-believer that makes perfect sense bc who cares what religion you are!
But the point is, they DO care because they care about YOU! And to shrug and just let it go means (to them) that they need to just keep their mouths shut while you condemn yourselves and their grandchildren to an eternity of separation from God.

The point of my post is not to persuade you to accept Christ (because I don’t think that a random post on a message board will do that anyway)—-but rather to persuade you to at least consider the purity of their motives and have compassion for their predicament. Rationally, given their worldview, wouldn’t you agree that if they are believers who just “let it go”—-that would make them incredibly heartless and selfish??? Are they supposed to pretend it doesn’t matter to them or that they are indifferent about where you spend eternity? That would make your lives easier and more cordial while you are all together, and I get that….but it wouldn’t make them very loving for them to prioritize pleasantries and not offending you over your eternal salvation. (Again—this assumes that the motivation comes from a sincerely held belief that without Christ, your souls will perish. That’s a lot to ask a parent/grandparent to just shrug off)

Just a thought.

Np but the bolded is incredibly offensive and heartless (and if I'm being truly honest quite laughable) to hold on to as a sincere belief, but if you must, you should always keep these kinds of dogmatic opinions to yourself and not push it on to others, only to be 'hurt' when rejected.

Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think so mom sure they really believe that you need to be saved
From a life of eternal dammation and that their religion will bring you not only salvation but true happiness. It
Comes from a place of love. And I don’t think they can likely help themselves

Honestly this is what I would think too.
From their point of view—they are “risking their relationship with you” because it is worth the risk of it means that you will be saved through knowing Jesus Christ as your savior. Even if YOU don’t believe this, it’s important for you to understand WHY the only kind and compassionate choice *from their perspective* is to NOT leave it alone.
Sure—from a worldly view, they absolutely should just live and let live. And to a non-believer that makes perfect sense bc who cares what religion you are!
But the point is, they DO care because they care about YOU! And to shrug and just let it go means (to them) that they need to just keep their mouths shut while you condemn yourselves and their grandchildren to an eternity of separation from God.

The point of my post is not to persuade you to accept Christ (because I don’t think that a random post on a message board will do that anyway)—-but rather to persuade you to at least consider the purity of their motives and have compassion for their predicament. Rationally, given their worldview, wouldn’t you agree that if they are believers who just “let it go”—-that would make them incredibly heartless and selfish??? Are they supposed to pretend it doesn’t matter to them or that they are indifferent about where you spend eternity? That would make your lives easier and more cordial while you are all together, and I get that….but it wouldn’t make them very loving for them to prioritize pleasantries and not offending you over your eternal salvation. (Again—this assumes that the motivation comes from a sincerely held belief that without Christ, your souls will perish. That’s a lot to ask a parent/grandparent to just shrug off)

Just a thought.

They're supposed to have a tiny speck of common sense and realize that constantly hassling their son and DIL and violating their boundaries isn't going to save them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think so mom sure they really believe that you need to be saved
From a life of eternal dammation and that their religion will bring you not only salvation but true happiness. It
Comes from a place of love. And I don’t think they can likely help themselves

Honestly this is what I would think too.
From their point of view—they are “risking their relationship with you” because it is worth the risk of it means that you will be saved through knowing Jesus Christ as your savior. Even if YOU don’t believe this, it’s important for you to understand WHY the only kind and compassionate choice *from their perspective* is to NOT leave it alone.
Sure—from a worldly view, they absolutely should just live and let live. And to a non-believer that makes perfect sense bc who cares what religion you are!
But the point is, they DO care because they care about YOU! And to shrug and just let it go means (to them) that they need to just keep their mouths shut while you condemn yourselves and their grandchildren to an eternity of separation from God.

The point of my post is not to persuade you to accept Christ (because I don’t think that a random post on a message board will do that anyway)—-but rather to persuade you to at least consider the purity of their motives and have compassion for their predicament. Rationally, given their worldview, wouldn’t you agree that if they are believers who just “let it go”—-that would make them incredibly heartless and selfish??? Are they supposed to pretend it doesn’t matter to them or that they are indifferent about where you spend eternity? That would make your lives easier and more cordial while you are all together, and I get that….but it wouldn’t make them very loving for them to prioritize pleasantries and not offending you over your eternal salvation. (Again—this assumes that the motivation comes from a sincerely held belief that without Christ, your souls will perish. That’s a lot to ask a parent/grandparent to just shrug off)

Just a thought.

Uh no. Honoring their childs request to STFU would likely be greatly appreciated and welcomed with open arms. Unlike whatever garbage you are spewing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think so mom sure they really believe that you need to be saved
From a life of eternal dammation and that their religion will bring you not only salvation but true happiness. It
Comes from a place of love. And I don’t think they can likely help themselves

Honestly this is what I would think too.
From their point of view—they are “risking their relationship with you” because it is worth the risk of it means that you will be saved through knowing Jesus Christ as your savior. Even if YOU don’t believe this, it’s important for you to understand WHY the only kind and compassionate choice *from their perspective* is to NOT leave it alone.
Sure—from a worldly view, they absolutely should just live and let live. And to a non-believer that makes perfect sense bc who cares what religion you are!
But the point is, they DO care because they care about YOU! And to shrug and just let it go means (to them) that they need to just keep their mouths shut while you condemn yourselves and their grandchildren to an eternity of separation from God.

The point of my post is not to persuade you to accept Christ (because I don’t think that a random post on a message board will do that anyway)—-but rather to persuade you to at least consider the purity of their motives and have compassion for their predicament. Rationally, given their worldview, wouldn’t you agree that if they are believers who just “let it go”—-that would make them incredibly heartless and selfish??? Are they supposed to pretend it doesn’t matter to them or that they are indifferent about where you spend eternity? That would make your lives easier and more cordial while you are all together, and I get that….but it wouldn’t make them very loving for them to prioritize pleasantries and not offending you over your eternal salvation. (Again—this assumes that the motivation comes from a sincerely held belief that without Christ, your souls will perish. That’s a lot to ask a parent/grandparent to just shrug off)

Just a thought.

Back in elementary school, one of my DD's classmates gave her a card that essentially said she loved her, was concerned that her soul was going to burn for all eternity, didn't want that to happen, so could she just be saved by Jesus already (or some such). The fact that this came from a child's caring and concern did not make it any less than grossly inappropriate (we are atheists, but culturally of a non-Christian religion).

Same here. Motivations matter only a little. After they have been told that they're overstepping, they need to stop. Or there can be consequences.