Living separate lives - bad for kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:50-50 custody is worse. Separate lives easier. We did that before divorce for almost the entire marriage

I think the vast majority of women who file for divorce don’t realize the pain of seeing their kids only 50 percent of the time. Men come out winners here because they were Half involved during the marriage anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50-50 custody is worse. Separate lives easier. We did that before divorce for almost the entire marriage

I think the vast majority of women who file for divorce don’t realize the pain of seeing their kids only 50 percent of the time. Men come out winners here because they were Half involved during the marriage anyways.

It is not “pain” of not seeing kids…I had zero time married because I never got a break.

It is the increased communication with the formerly helpless spouse and logistics of 2 houses that is the problem. We communicated less when married and no logistics issues. It is actually harder.

[Anonymous]

You have a marriage where you are parenting together in a civil manner. Two toddlers? Dead bedroom? Yup. That happens because you are exhausted.

You are co-parenting and civil to each other. You are doing fine. I know that you do not want to hear this but my suggestion is that show warmth, politeness, care and concern for your husband (fake it till you make it) like you would for a friend or a sibling. Trust me, it will help you to reconnect after some time again.

I have been married for 35 years. I have certainly fallen in and out of love with my DH several times. The worst stage was when our kids were little. But, each time that we reconnected or fell in love again, our connection grew stronger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this situation. You have no idea the weight that will be lifted off your shoulders when you stop pretending and start living your own, separate life. I will never be able to model a good marriage for my girls - but I can model having financial independence, a fulfilling career, and a happy life full of wonderful female friendships, hobbies, and community connections. If you have all those things then a good marriage is a cherry on top for sure, but not necessary.

I'm a pp in a low conflict, patenting marriage. I have a great career that gives me financial independence, and my situation necessitates I have wonderful female and male friendships, hobbies and strong community connections. I don't have the cherry of a "good marriage" but I still have a sundae with whipped cream and warm chocolate sauce. My life, and my kids lives, are still pretty good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are teaching by example what they should look for in a spouse, and what they should be in a spouse. I would consider that. Is this the marriage you want them to have for themselves?

The odds of her kids or any kids of that matter marrying is honestly slim so I wouldn’t worry about it. Marriage is a dying institution. Look at the trends.

Yes and no.

It's alive a thriving in the upper classes (UC/UMC). In the MC and below, yep, you're right, there's no need for it, especially since ethe women do everything - earn the bacon then fry it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a marriage where you are parenting together in a civil manner. Two toddlers? Dead bedroom? Yup. That happens because you are exhausted.

You are co-parenting and civil to each other. You are doing fine. I know that you do not want to hear this but my suggestion is that show warmth, politeness, care and concern for your husband (fake it till you make it) like you would for a friend or a sibling. Trust me, it will help you to reconnect after some time again.

I have been married for 35 years. I have certainly fallen in and out of love with my DH several times. The worst stage was when our kids were little. But, each time that we reconnected or fell in love again, our connection grew stronger.

All of this!! Married 22 years and this is so true.

[Anonymous]

How is it that you prioritized separate bedrooms for you two, the two married adults when I see articles about how “young people can’t afford a home”? I seriously don’t understand this.
I also don’t understand how you had two kids. G old school and start sharing a bed with your husband. Use the hormones to start liking each other again.
I say this because while you may be low conflict now, you won’t be that way forever. You may wake up and want to talk to someone and see your spouse just not giving a crap and you’ll wonder why you decided to live this way. Your kids may be being real bears and instead of giving you a hug, your spouse looks at you like you are the couch and ignores you.
For those of you who say “kids don’t care” our kids will tell us to go on dates. It’s sweet. I’m a much better parent when I get my adultneeds met, physically and emotionally. If my husband wasn’t interested, I’d get divorced. He’s the one person on the planet I can go to bed with at least from a moral perspective, and I can do things with him, emotional things I can’t do with my friends. If that isn’t happening in the marriage, no need to be married.
Think too about how you’d handle it if your husband found a girlfriend or other activity where he just refused to come home, or came home at a time where you couldn’t go do your thing. Let’s say he wants to play tennis and you want to play drums. You both have found groups you like, yet he just will not get his butt home so you can leave to go play drums. Sound good to you? That’s the problem with separate lives. For the person who said “no guarantee with divorce” at least you aren’t legally tied to that person anymore. You may have kids and need to work out who does what, but he won’t be paying for that awesome set of drum sticks that only matters to you and you won’t be paying for his tennis equipment. You will also be able to dip into resources that aren’t available to you as a married woman, I haven’t seen the divorce moms jump into help unless you are also divorced. To be fair, I’m only interested in helping married moms, we speak the same language of husbands and kids and we spend our time doing the same thing. That doesn’t seem to be true of the divorced moms who seem to despise men and can’t wait for the next drink fest.
I’d work on the marriage, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it that you prioritized separate bedrooms for you two, the two married adults when I see articles about how “young people can’t afford a home”? I seriously don’t understand this.
I also don’t understand how you had two kids. G old school and start sharing a bed with your husband. Use the hormones to start liking each other again.
I say this because while you may be low conflict now, you won’t be that way forever. You may wake up and want to talk to someone and see your spouse just not giving a crap and you’ll wonder why you decided to live this way. Your kids may be being real bears and instead of giving you a hug, your spouse looks at you like you are the couch and ignores you.
For those of you who say “kids don’t care” our kids will tell us to go on dates. It’s sweet. I’m a much better parent when I get my adultneeds met, physically and emotionally. If my husband wasn’t interested, I’d get divorced. He’s the one person on the planet I can go to bed with at least from a moral perspective, and I can do things with him, emotional things I can’t do with my friends. If that isn’t happening in the marriage, no need to be married.
Think too about how you’d handle it if your husband found a girlfriend or other activity where he just refused to come home, or came home at a time where you couldn’t go do your thing. Let’s say he wants to play tennis and you want to play drums. You both have found groups you like, yet he just will not get his butt home so you can leave to go play drums. Sound good to you? That’s the problem with separate lives. For the person who said “no guarantee with divorce” at least you aren’t legally tied to that person anymore. You may have kids and need to work out who does what, but he won’t be paying for that awesome set of drum sticks that only matters to you and you won’t be paying for his tennis equipment. You will also be able to dip into resources that aren’t available to you as a married woman, I haven’t seen the divorce moms jump into help unless you are also divorced. To be fair, I’m only interested in helping married moms, we speak the same language of husbands and kids and we spend our time doing the same thing. That doesn’t seem to be true of the divorced moms who seem to despise men and can’t wait for the next drink fest.
I’d work on the marriage, op.

Gurl, you are all over the place.

1) many people have separate rooms is NBD.
2) Many of us don't have so many needs that needs, you really just sound needy.
3) The strawman about the "girlfriend" is bizarre, I guess that's one of your worst fear but most of us doing going around "being a good wife" to stave off "possible girlfriend"
4)Personally, I think mostly separate lives where you can come together as a family is ideal. I don't have to love your stuff and you don't have to love mine. I don't have to like football and you don't have to love going to movies. It's all fine. That's the lesson kids need to learn.

I'd work on myself if I was compelled to write all that crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are teaching by example what they should look for in a spouse, and what they should be in a spouse. I would consider that. Is this the marriage you want them to have for themselves?

Like she will marry some amazing DH in her late 30s with TWO toddlers. The “model marriage” cruise ship sailed 5 years ago.

I'd rather be a single parent than be married in a bad marriage.

You only get to say this if you are divorced. It is equally bad with shared custody. It is a fallacy that it is freedom and better…it is not.

Signed 9 more years of co-parenting hell

Co-parenting is hell. In my case, I left a high-conflict marriage for a high-conflict co-parenting sentence. Marriage was worse.

[Anonymous]

What does he want to do? Co-parenting is not hell when one backs off and then the other backs off. We also don't ask the kid to move from one house to another.
It was definitely easier because the child was a toddler- he doesn't remember us together.
He didn't allow me to take the child to Europe, but chilled out later and I've taken him twice. He also didn't allow me to give the child a flu shot. I let that go and the child is fine. He stopped paying child support. I let that go.He keeps the kid home more than school likes it, but I send the official to talk to him about it. Kid is 17 so we almost made it.
It's not a big deal not to see your kid all the time. They are with the other parent, they are fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he want to do? Co-parenting is not hell when one backs off and then the other backs off. We also don't ask the kid to move from one house to another.
It was definitely easier because the child was a toddler- he doesn't remember us together.
He didn't allow me to take the child to Europe, but chilled out later and I've taken him twice. He also didn't allow me to give the child a flu shot. I let that go and the child is fine. He stopped paying child support. I let that go.He keeps the kid home more than school likes it, but I send the official to talk to him about it. Kid is 17 so we almost made it.
It's not a big deal not to see your kid all the time. They are with the other parent, they are fine.

Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 toddlers.

We have frankly never been compatible partners but did love each other at one point.

The love for me has died for many reasons tracing back to strong incompatibility. We have a dead bedroom too but neither cares. DH is low drive and I have become low drive due to long time lack of sex.

I would love to divorce but know what a cluster that would be.

I have resigned to focusing on raising kids, my job, hobbies and friends. I sleep in a separate bedroom, and DH and I split responsibilities for in a way we are both comfortable with.

My question is: How bad is this for kids? I have heard stories about adult children of divorce (which we will obviously do at some point) saying they felt their upbringing was a lie. But what if we never put on a front and just mostly do things with the kids separately? Would this be so bad?

This seems logistically difficult to manage, to me. Will the four of you just not eat dinner together during the week? Or any meals on the weekends? How will you handle holidays? Our family of four spends so much time together (and our kids are older, but it's always been this way) that I can't imagine not being in the same room as my husband. Of course we do things separately - we both work and have hobbies that we spend time on, but every single day there are multiple times during that day that we are all together. We both work from home, so that certainly contributes to it, but I can't imagine how weekends would work.

[Anonymous]

I think many marriages run parallel or separate lives.
Same as in the past. Likely for many of the same reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are teaching by example what they should look for in a spouse, and what they should be in a spouse. I would consider that. Is this the marriage you want them to have for themselves?

Like she will marry some amazing DH in her late 30s with TWO toddlers. The “model marriage” cruise ship sailed 5 years ago.

This is OP. I agree with this.

I would love to have modeled a good marriage, but I chose poorly. I had baggage to work out from my childhood, and I got married before I worked it out. I married someone the current me would not have married.

And yes I had kids knowing there were problems. Being a mom is the highlight of my life and my DH’s life as well. The one thing we have in common is how much we love and are devoted to our kids.

Would it be better if they didn’t exist and we never had them? I’m not interested in debating that honestly. I know I am giving them A LOT better than I had in terms of love and care.

I would be open to divorce, but I agree repartnering with someone with whom I could model a great relationship is unlikely at 39 with 2 toddlers.

Also, DH and I can give our kids a more peaceful existence by splitting responsibilities in one home. If we split, logistics would get a lot more difficult and uncomfortable for them.

I’m a realist, and my current plan is to be open as they get older that we don’t have a picture perfect marriage but that it’s certainly possible and something to aspire to.

I guess I can only hope that’s enough.

OP, have you and DH gone to counseling to work on the marriage you are in, for your kids, if not yourselves? Life doesn't offer many resets or do overs, use the personal growth you have had to make the best of things. Does DH have depression? Low T? Since you both love the kids, work on loving each other. Even something as simple as https://5lovelanguages.com/ can help and you can do it unilaterally. Schedule a standing sitter and go on a weekly date night, even just to a movie or out with other couples. Loving their other parent is a huge gift to kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 toddlers.

We have frankly never been compatible partners but did love each other at one point.

The love for me has died for many reasons tracing back to strong incompatibility. We have a dead bedroom too but neither cares. DH is low drive and I have become low drive due to long time lack of sex.

I would love to divorce but know what a cluster that would be.

I have resigned to focusing on raising kids, my job, hobbies and friends. I sleep in a separate bedroom, and DH and I split responsibilities for in a way we are both comfortable with.

My question is: How bad is this for kids? I have heard stories about adult children of divorce (which we will obviously do at some point) saying they felt their upbringing was a lie. But what if we never put on a front and just mostly do things with the kids separately? Would this be so bad?

This seems logistically difficult to manage, to me. Will the four of you just not eat dinner together during the week? Or any meals on the weekends? How will you handle holidays? Our family of four spends so much time together (and our kids are older, but it's always been this way) that I can't imagine not being in the same room as my husband. Of course we do things separately - we both work and have hobbies that we spend time on, but every single day there are multiple times during that day that we are all together. We both work from home, so that certainly contributes to it, but I can't imagine how weekends would work.

Not OP. It is not at all logistically difficult to manage separate lives married. It is far harder with two houses. When I was married, for a decade, we never ate dinner together. It is a non-issue. Weekends worked fine. We each did our own thing and things with kids separately. We did not like our in laws so we did holidays separately. (My married parents did that). This is not hard.

What is hard is managing school schedules, extracurricular schedules, and kids crap with two houses. Emotionally, I feel better divorced, but if I had known how bad the logistics would be and how we would have to talk MORE divorced, probably would have stayed married (or divorce and stay in the house) for much longer (we had not had sex in 7 years when we divorced). Separate lives in one house is not hard.