Living separate lives - bad for kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok so I grew up with parents like this (who are still together btw) and I had an idyllic childhood. In no way did I feel like they were modeling what I should aspire to in a romantic relationship (I sought out and now have a very loving spouse and we have a more traditional relationship). I think that this model is truly putting the kids first, and I am so grateful to my parents now. At every step my life was easier than if they had separated. They made the sacrifice for me and I appreciate it to this day.

As long as the parents can be functional, it's always going to be easier on the child if parents stay together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Frankly, your relationship with your spouse is none of your children's business. Children practically never see their parents as individuals with needs. They see the primarily as resources to be consumed.

If the marriage is low conflict and you can treat each other as positive roommates, I don't see why you should separate. Parenting solo is hard and your lifestyle will tank.

This post is spot on, especially the first paragraph. And that's the reason low conflict is key because otherwise it affects the kids with all the fighting but otherwise kids don't notice and won't care. And they shouldn't, they're kids and should be able to focus on themselves.

I disagree to a point. Your KID doesn’t care. Your adult child and the way they negotiate future relationships does care. You are shaping the way they see partnerships, even subconsciously. Do you want them to be in unsatisfying relationships? Do you honestly want that for yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 toddlers.

We have frankly never been compatible partners but did love each other at one point.

The love for me has died for many reasons tracing back to strong incompatibility. We have a dead bedroom too but neither cares. DH is low drive and I have become low drive due to long time lack of sex.

I would love to divorce but know what a cluster that would be.

I have resigned to focusing on raising kids, my job, hobbies and friends. I sleep in a separate bedroom, and DH and I split responsibilities for in a way we are both comfortable with.

My question is: How bad is this for kids? I have heard stories about adult children of divorce (which we will obviously do at some point) saying they felt their upbringing was a lie. But what if we never put on a front and just mostly do things with the kids separately? Would this be so bad?

This seems logistically difficult to manage, to me. Will the four of you just not eat dinner together during the week? Or any meals on the weekends? How will you handle holidays? Our family of four spends so much time together (and our kids are older, but it's always been this way) that I can't imagine not being in the same room as my husband. Of course we do things separately - we both work and have hobbies that we spend time on, but every single day there are multiple times during that day that we are all together. We both work from home, so that certainly contributes to it, but I can't imagine how weekends would work.

Not OP. It is not at all logistically difficult to manage separate lives married. It is far harder with two houses. When I was married, for a decade, we never ate dinner together. It is a non-issue. Weekends worked fine. We each did our own thing and things with kids separately. We did not like our in laws so we did holidays separately. (My married parents did that). This is not hard.

What is hard is managing school schedules, extracurricular schedules, and kids crap with two houses. Emotionally, I feel better divorced, but if I had known how bad the logistics would be and how we would have to talk MORE divorced, probably would have stayed married (or divorce and stay in the house) for much longer (we had not had sex in 7 years when we divorced). Separate lives in one house is not hard.

So your kids don't think it's weird when they are eating dinner with their dad and you're upstairs in your bedroom? Or when one of them has a soccer game but only mom or dad can go, not both!

Why do you think both parents wouldnt attend a soccer game together? Separate lives in the same house doesnt mean you always have to be apart. Families do things together all the time, regardless of the marital status of the parents.

Yeah, my bad for not understanding how it works when a couple lives separate lives in the same house. Glad it works for you I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 toddlers.

We have frankly never been compatible partners but did love each other at one point.

The love for me has died for many reasons tracing back to strong incompatibility. We have a dead bedroom too but neither cares. DH is low drive and I have become low drive due to long time lack of sex.

I would love to divorce but know what a cluster that would be.

I have resigned to focusing on raising kids, my job, hobbies and friends. I sleep in a separate bedroom, and DH and I split responsibilities for in a way we are both comfortable with.

My question is: How bad is this for kids? I have heard stories about adult children of divorce (which we will obviously do at some point) saying they felt their upbringing was a lie. But what if we never put on a front and just mostly do things with the kids separately? Would this be so bad?

This seems logistically difficult to manage, to me. Will the four of you just not eat dinner together during the week? Or any meals on the weekends? How will you handle holidays? Our family of four spends so much time together (and our kids are older, but it's always been this way) that I can't imagine not being in the same room as my husband. Of course we do things separately - we both work and have hobbies that we spend time on, but every single day there are multiple times during that day that we are all together. We both work from home, so that certainly contributes to it, but I can't imagine how weekends would work.

Not OP. It is not at all logistically difficult to manage separate lives married. It is far harder with two houses. When I was married, for a decade, we never ate dinner together. It is a non-issue. Weekends worked fine. We each did our own thing and things with kids separately. We did not like our in laws so we did holidays separately. (My married parents did that). This is not hard.

What is hard is managing school schedules, extracurricular schedules, and kids crap with two houses. Emotionally, I feel better divorced, but if I had known how bad the logistics would be and how we would have to talk MORE divorced, probably would have stayed married (or divorce and stay in the house) for much longer (we had not had sex in 7 years when we divorced). Separate lives in one house is not hard.

So your kids don't think it's weird when they are eating dinner with their dad and you're upstairs in your bedroom? Or when one of them has a soccer game but only mom or dad can go, not both!

DP but we have dinner all together almost every day. When the kids have games, they ask that only I'm there. Unless it's for the championship, then they all for DH to attend too

The other poster said they are never in the same room at the same time in the house.

So you have dinner together but...you're living separate lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 toddlers.

We have frankly never been compatible partners but did love each other at one point.

The love for me has died for many reasons tracing back to strong incompatibility. We have a dead bedroom too but neither cares. DH is low drive and I have become low drive due to long time lack of sex.

I would love to divorce but know what a cluster that would be.

I have resigned to focusing on raising kids, my job, hobbies and friends. I sleep in a separate bedroom, and DH and I split responsibilities for in a way we are both comfortable with.

My question is: How bad is this for kids? I have heard stories about adult children of divorce (which we will obviously do at some point) saying they felt their upbringing was a lie. But what if we never put on a front and just mostly do things with the kids separately? Would this be so bad?

This seems logistically difficult to manage, to me. Will the four of you just not eat dinner together during the week? Or any meals on the weekends? How will you handle holidays? Our family of four spends so much time together (and our kids are older, but it's always been this way) that I can't imagine not being in the same room as my husband. Of course we do things separately - we both work and have hobbies that we spend time on, but every single day there are multiple times during that day that we are all together. We both work from home, so that certainly contributes to it, but I can't imagine how weekends would work.

Not OP. It is not at all logistically difficult to manage separate lives married. It is far harder with two houses. When I was married, for a decade, we never ate dinner together. It is a non-issue. Weekends worked fine. We each did our own thing and things with kids separately. We did not like our in laws so we did holidays separately. (My married parents did that). This is not hard.

What is hard is managing school schedules, extracurricular schedules, and kids crap with two houses. Emotionally, I feel better divorced, but if I had known how bad the logistics would be and how we would have to talk MORE divorced, probably would have stayed married (or divorce and stay in the house) for much longer (we had not had sex in 7 years when we divorced). Separate lives in one house is not hard.

So your kids don't think it's weird when they are eating dinner with their dad and you're upstairs in your bedroom? Or when one of them has a soccer game but only mom or dad can go, not both!

No, they never thought it was weird. It was always like that. Normal is relative. After we divorced, I told them most married parents share a bedroom, have dinner together, and spend weekends together, and they were shocked. That was never their experience, so there was nothing that had really changed, and divorce had no effect on them whatsoever.

So I think this is why people are saying you're modeling an odd set up for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a realist, and my current plan is to be open as they get older that we don’t have a picture perfect marriage but that it’s certainly possible and something to aspire to.

I guess I can only hope that’s enough.

No a picture perfect marriage is not possible and it wouldn’t be healthy to encourage your kids to aspire to that.

Be honest with them about how your own marriage started in romantic love but then became a choice to remain with someone who you love as a partner and with whom you knew you could raise your kids with love and support. There is no shame in that whatsoever.

I don't think anyone said it's shameful, but is what you have what you would want for your kids?

Obviously no marriage is perfect, but there are marriages out there where the spouses aren't living separate lives. Isn't that kind of fulfilling relationship what you would want for your kids? Or would you prefer that they live in the same house as someone they don't want to be in the same room as?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok so I grew up with parents like this (who are still together btw) and I had an idyllic childhood. In no way did I feel like they were modeling what I should aspire to in a romantic relationship (I sought out and now have a very loving spouse and we have a more traditional relationship). I think that this model is truly putting the kids first, and I am so grateful to my parents now. At every step my life was easier than if they had separated. They made the sacrifice for me and I appreciate it to this day.

I doubt this were really the case if they're still together. Now that you're adult, why are they still together? Obviously they like each other a lot more than these other posters like their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 toddlers.

We have frankly never been compatible partners but did love each other at one point.

The love for me has died for many reasons tracing back to strong incompatibility. We have a dead bedroom too but neither cares. DH is low drive and I have become low drive due to long time lack of sex.

I would love to divorce but know what a cluster that would be.

I have resigned to focusing on raising kids, my job, hobbies and friends. I sleep in a separate bedroom, and DH and I split responsibilities for in a way we are both comfortable with.

My question is: How bad is this for kids? I have heard stories about adult children of divorce (which we will obviously do at some point) saying they felt their upbringing was a lie. But what if we never put on a front and just mostly do things with the kids separately? Would this be so bad?

This seems logistically difficult to manage, to me. Will the four of you just not eat dinner together during the week? Or any meals on the weekends? How will you handle holidays? Our family of four spends so much time together (and our kids are older, but it's always been this way) that I can't imagine not being in the same room as my husband. Of course we do things separately - we both work and have hobbies that we spend time on, but every single day there are multiple times during that day that we are all together. We both work from home, so that certainly contributes to it, but I can't imagine how weekends would work.

Not OP. It is not at all logistically difficult to manage separate lives married. It is far harder with two houses. When I was married, for a decade, we never ate dinner together. It is a non-issue. Weekends worked fine. We each did our own thing and things with kids separately. We did not like our in laws so we did holidays separately. (My married parents did that). This is not hard.

What is hard is managing school schedules, extracurricular schedules, and kids crap with two houses. Emotionally, I feel better divorced, but if I had known how bad the logistics would be and how we would have to talk MORE divorced, probably would have stayed married (or divorce and stay in the house) for much longer (we had not had sex in 7 years when we divorced). Separate lives in one house is not hard.

So your kids don't think it's weird when they are eating dinner with their dad and you're upstairs in your bedroom? Or when one of them has a soccer game but only mom or dad can go, not both!

No, they never thought it was weird. It was always like that. Normal is relative. After we divorced, I told them most married parents share a bedroom, have dinner together, and spend weekends together, and they were shocked. That was never their experience, so there was nothing that had really changed, and divorce had no effect on them whatsoever.

So I think this is why people are saying you're modeling an odd set up for your kids.

I am divorced now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 toddlers.

We have frankly never been compatible partners but did love each other at one point.

The love for me has died for many reasons tracing back to strong incompatibility. We have a dead bedroom too but neither cares. DH is low drive and I have become low drive due to long time lack of sex.

I would love to divorce but know what a cluster that would be.

I have resigned to focusing on raising kids, my job, hobbies and friends. I sleep in a separate bedroom, and DH and I split responsibilities for in a way we are both comfortable with.

My question is: How bad is this for kids? I have heard stories about adult children of divorce (which we will obviously do at some point) saying they felt their upbringing was a lie. But what if we never put on a front and just mostly do things with the kids separately? Would this be so bad?

This seems logistically difficult to manage, to me. Will the four of you just not eat dinner together during the week? Or any meals on the weekends? How will you handle holidays? Our family of four spends so much time together (and our kids are older, but it's always been this way) that I can't imagine not being in the same room as my husband. Of course we do things separately - we both work and have hobbies that we spend time on, but every single day there are multiple times during that day that we are all together. We both work from home, so that certainly contributes to it, but I can't imagine how weekends would work.

Not OP. It is not at all logistically difficult to manage separate lives married. It is far harder with two houses. When I was married, for a decade, we never ate dinner together. It is a non-issue. Weekends worked fine. We each did our own thing and things with kids separately. We did not like our in laws so we did holidays separately. (My married parents did that). This is not hard.

What is hard is managing school schedules, extracurricular schedules, and kids crap with two houses. Emotionally, I feel better divorced, but if I had known how bad the logistics would be and how we would have to talk MORE divorced, probably would have stayed married (or divorce and stay in the house) for much longer (we had not had sex in 7 years when we divorced). Separate lives in one house is not hard.

So your kids don't think it's weird when they are eating dinner with their dad and you're upstairs in your bedroom? Or when one of them has a soccer game but only mom or dad can go, not both!

No, they never thought it was weird. It was always like that. Normal is relative. After we divorced, I told them most married parents share a bedroom, have dinner together, and spend weekends together, and they were shocked. That was never their experience, so there was nothing that had really changed, and divorce had no effect on them whatsoever.

Boy are you kidding yourself if you think what you modeled did not royally screw your children up for future relationships!

That is what a bad marriage looks like. We are divorced. Kids are still in elementary. But that is what “staying for the kids” looks like.

Kids are fine. No divorce trauma.

Both parents go to public events.

By the way, my parents are still married after 50 years and this is how my childhood was so normal is relative. In fact, most marriages I witnessed in my childhood, were exactly like my own. I am not screwed up. I married the wrong person and was hesitant to get married to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Immediate PP. The point is is that it’s not that hard to lead separates live separate lives living in the same house and frankly, it is easier than being divorced and shuffling between two households. It’s much more disruptive.

Divorce in this situation is not better. Low conflict leading separate lives is much easier for both the kids and the parents than two houses going back and forth. Kids can see other marriages other than their parents.

Also, marriage is on the decline, so I really don’t care about future relationships because I don’t expect that they will want to get married and I would not encourage it. If they want a good marriage to see their family members with good marriages, they know that ours was bad and they understand the difference; they’re not stupid.