Living separate lives - bad for kids?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 toddlers.

We have frankly never been compatible partners but did love each other at one point.

The love for me has died for many reasons tracing back to strong incompatibility. We have a dead bedroom too but neither cares. DH is low drive and I have become low drive due to long time lack of sex.

I would love to divorce but know what a cluster that would be.

I have resigned to focusing on raising kids, my job, hobbies and friends. I sleep in a separate bedroom, and DH and I split responsibilities for in a way we are both comfortable with.

My question is: How bad is this for kids? I have heard stories about adult children of divorce (which we will obviously do at some point) saying they felt their upbringing was a lie. But what if we never put on a front and just mostly do things with the kids separately? Would this be so bad?

[Anonymous]

Kids that are in married households where the parents clearly should be divorcing are not necessarily doing better than the kids who are splitting homes. Staying together for the kids is such a horrible advice because the people who think this is a good arrangement make the wrong assumption that their children are not seeing the tension in the home.

[Anonymous]

You are teaching by example what they should look for in a spouse, and what they should be in a spouse. I would consider that. Is this the marriage you want them to have for themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are teaching by example what they should look for in a spouse, and what they should be in a spouse. I would consider that. Is this the marriage you want them to have for themselves?

The odds of her kids or any kids of that matter marrying is honestly slim so I wouldn’t worry about it. Marriage is a dying institution. Look at the trends.

[Anonymous]

Did you not see issues in the 6-8 years of your marriage BEFORE you had kids? From you description it sounds like you've had issues for a long time.
Ideally, one thing parents could do for their children is model a healthy relationship with a life partner. Your description sounds like you could model healthy co-parenting, but not partner relationships.
You could co-parent separately or in the same house. If you think you've learned enough about yourself, you could theoretically find a new partner, and then you could model both successful co-parenting AND how to have a thriving life partner relationship.
I do think you need to examine how/why you find yourself in a situation with two small children with a person when it appears from your description there were warnings signs the relationship had issues.

[Anonymous]

I'm working through this issue with therapists and doctors. In my situation, a health problem (mental illness) necessitates we stay together. But according to my specialists and experience, living separate lives in a low conflict marriage is fine. The low conflict part is key. Kids don't really care of you kiss and hug in front of them and certainly it's none of their business what you do for intimacy.

My kids get that we mostly do things separately but also sometimes ask for an everybody day or everybody vacation, which i always accommodate

[Anonymous]

Same situation except I low key hate my spouse most days. Not sure what to do. No obvious conflicts just find them unbearably annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are teaching by example what they should look for in a spouse, and what they should be in a spouse. I would consider that. Is this the marriage you want them to have for themselves?

Like she will marry some amazing DH in her late 30s with TWO toddlers. The “model marriage” cruise ship sailed 5 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 toddlers.

We have frankly never been compatible partners but did love each other at one point.

The love for me has died for many reasons tracing back to strong incompatibility. We have a dead bedroom too but neither cares. DH is low drive and I have become low drive due to long time lack of sex.

I would love to divorce but know what a cluster that would be.

I have resigned to focusing on raising kids, my job, hobbies and friends. I sleep in a separate bedroom, and DH and I split responsibilities for in a way we are both comfortable with.

My question is: How bad is this for kids? I have heard stories about adult children of divorce (which we will obviously do at some point) saying they felt their upbringing was a lie. But what if we never put on a front and just mostly do things with the kids separately? Would this be so bad?

Kids are not stupid
You teach them not to lie why are you planning on lying to them


If you stay together be honest

[Anonymous]

OP were things bad after the first child? Or did it happen after you had two?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm working through this issue with therapists and doctors. In my situation, a health problem (mental illness) necessitates we stay together. But according to my specialists and experience, living separate lives in a low conflict marriage is fine. The low conflict part is key. Kids don't really care of you kiss and hug in front of them and certainly it's none of their business what you do for intimacy.

My kids get that we mostly do things separately but also sometimes ask for an everybody day or everybody vacation, which i always accommodate

This type arrangement works for men. For women it will NEVER and I am talking from experience. Women crave emotional connection. They just do. If it is missing they will eventually go find it elsewhere. My ex wife did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are teaching by example what they should look for in a spouse, and what they should be in a spouse. I would consider that. Is this the marriage you want them to have for themselves?

Like she will marry some amazing DH in her late 30s with TWO toddlers. The “model marriage” cruise ship sailed 5 years ago.

I'd rather be a single parent than be married in a bad marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are teaching by example what they should look for in a spouse, and what they should be in a spouse. I would consider that. Is this the marriage you want them to have for themselves?

Like she will marry some amazing DH in her late 30s with TWO toddlers. The “model marriage” cruise ship sailed 5 years ago.

This is OP. I agree with this.

I would love to have modeled a good marriage, but I chose poorly. I had baggage to work out from my childhood, and I got married before I worked it out. I married someone the current me would not have married.

And yes I had kids knowing there were problems. Being a mom is the highlight of my life and my DH’s life as well. The one thing we have in common is how much we love and are devoted to our kids.

Would it be better if they didn’t exist and we never had them? I’m not interested in debating that honestly. I know I am giving them A LOT better than I had in terms of love and care.

I would be open to divorce, but I agree repartnering with someone with whom I could model a great relationship is unlikely at 39 with 2 toddlers.

Also, DH and I can give our kids a more peaceful existence by splitting responsibilities in one home. If we split, logistics would get a lot more difficult and uncomfortable for them.

I’m a realist, and my current plan is to be open as they get older that we don’t have a picture perfect marriage but that it’s certainly possible and something to aspire to.

I guess I can only hope that’s enough.

[Anonymous]

We are living together, ignore each other, it drains you, kids know and they act out too because that's what we are modeling.

[Anonymous]

OP there is nothing wrong with your decision. Maybe you’ll decide something else in your 40s but this is fine for now and for as long as you want.