Living separate lives - bad for kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 toddlers.

We have frankly never been compatible partners but did love each other at one point.

The love for me has died for many reasons tracing back to strong incompatibility. We have a dead bedroom too but neither cares. DH is low drive and I have become low drive due to long time lack of sex.

I would love to divorce but know what a cluster that would be.

I have resigned to focusing on raising kids, my job, hobbies and friends. I sleep in a separate bedroom, and DH and I split responsibilities for in a way we are both comfortable with.

My question is: How bad is this for kids? I have heard stories about adult children of divorce (which we will obviously do at some point) saying they felt their upbringing was a lie. But what if we never put on a front and just mostly do things with the kids separately? Would this be so bad?

This seems logistically difficult to manage, to me. Will the four of you just not eat dinner together during the week? Or any meals on the weekends? How will you handle holidays? Our family of four spends so much time together (and our kids are older, but it's always been this way) that I can't imagine not being in the same room as my husband. Of course we do things separately - we both work and have hobbies that we spend time on, but every single day there are multiple times during that day that we are all together. We both work from home, so that certainly contributes to it, but I can't imagine how weekends would work.

Not OP. It is not at all logistically difficult to manage separate lives married. It is far harder with two houses. When I was married, for a decade, we never ate dinner together. It is a non-issue. Weekends worked fine. We each did our own thing and things with kids separately. We did not like our in laws so we did holidays separately. (My married parents did that). This is not hard.

What is hard is managing school schedules, extracurricular schedules, and kids crap with two houses. Emotionally, I feel better divorced, but if I had known how bad the logistics would be and how we would have to talk MORE divorced, probably would have stayed married (or divorce and stay in the house) for much longer (we had not had sex in 7 years when we divorced). Separate lives in one house is not hard.

So your kids don't think it's weird when they are eating dinner with their dad and you're upstairs in your bedroom? Or when one of them has a soccer game but only mom or dad can go, not both!

DP but we have dinner all together almost every day. When the kids have games, they ask that only I'm there. Unless it's for the championship, then they all for DH to attend too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly, your relationship with your spouse is none of your children's business. Children practically never see their parents as individuals with needs. They see the primarily as resources to be consumed.

If the marriage is low conflict and you can treat each other as positive roommates, I don't see why you should separate. Parenting solo is hard and your lifestyle will tank.

This post is spot on, especially the first paragraph. And that's the reason low conflict is key because otherwise it affects the kids with all the fighting but otherwise kids don't notice and won't care. And they shouldn't, they're kids and should be able to focus on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 toddlers.

We have frankly never been compatible partners but did love each other at one point.

The love for me has died for many reasons tracing back to strong incompatibility. We have a dead bedroom too but neither cares. DH is low drive and I have become low drive due to long time lack of sex.

I would love to divorce but know what a cluster that would be.

I have resigned to focusing on raising kids, my job, hobbies and friends. I sleep in a separate bedroom, and DH and I split responsibilities for in a way we are both comfortable with.

My question is: How bad is this for kids? I have heard stories about adult children of divorce (which we will obviously do at some point) saying they felt their upbringing was a lie. But what if we never put on a front and just mostly do things with the kids separately? Would this be so bad?

This seems logistically difficult to manage, to me. Will the four of you just not eat dinner together during the week? Or any meals on the weekends? How will you handle holidays? Our family of four spends so much time together (and our kids are older, but it's always been this way) that I can't imagine not being in the same room as my husband. Of course we do things separately - we both work and have hobbies that we spend time on, but every single day there are multiple times during that day that we are all together. We both work from home, so that certainly contributes to it, but I can't imagine how weekends would work.

Not OP. It is not at all logistically difficult to manage separate lives married. It is far harder with two houses. When I was married, for a decade, we never ate dinner together. It is a non-issue. Weekends worked fine. We each did our own thing and things with kids separately. We did not like our in laws so we did holidays separately. (My married parents did that). This is not hard.

What is hard is managing school schedules, extracurricular schedules, and kids crap with two houses. Emotionally, I feel better divorced, but if I had known how bad the logistics would be and how we would have to talk MORE divorced, probably would have stayed married (or divorce and stay in the house) for much longer (we had not had sex in 7 years when we divorced). Separate lives in one house is not hard.

So your kids don't think it's weird when they are eating dinner with their dad and you're upstairs in your bedroom? Or when one of them has a soccer game but only mom or dad can go, not both!

Not the op, but similar situation. When we were “happily” married, we never ate dinner together because he never had a set time that he would be home. And when he was, he preferred sitting in front of the TV.

We had 2 kids in soccer so we usually split the games anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 toddlers.

We have frankly never been compatible partners but did love each other at one point.

The love for me has died for many reasons tracing back to strong incompatibility. We have a dead bedroom too but neither cares. DH is low drive and I have become low drive due to long time lack of sex.

I would love to divorce but know what a cluster that would be.

I have resigned to focusing on raising kids, my job, hobbies and friends. I sleep in a separate bedroom, and DH and I split responsibilities for in a way we are both comfortable with.

My question is: How bad is this for kids? I have heard stories about adult children of divorce (which we will obviously do at some point) saying they felt their upbringing was a lie. But what if we never put on a front and just mostly do things with the kids separately? Would this be so bad?

This seems logistically difficult to manage, to me. Will the four of you just not eat dinner together during the week? Or any meals on the weekends? How will you handle holidays? Our family of four spends so much time together (and our kids are older, but it's always been this way) that I can't imagine not being in the same room as my husband. Of course we do things separately - we both work and have hobbies that we spend time on, but every single day there are multiple times during that day that we are all together. We both work from home, so that certainly contributes to it, but I can't imagine how weekends would work.

Not OP. It is not at all logistically difficult to manage separate lives married. It is far harder with two houses. When I was married, for a decade, we never ate dinner together. It is a non-issue. Weekends worked fine. We each did our own thing and things with kids separately. We did not like our in laws so we did holidays separately. (My married parents did that). This is not hard.

What is hard is managing school schedules, extracurricular schedules, and kids crap with two houses. Emotionally, I feel better divorced, but if I had known how bad the logistics would be and how we would have to talk MORE divorced, probably would have stayed married (or divorce and stay in the house) for much longer (we had not had sex in 7 years when we divorced). Separate lives in one house is not hard.

So your kids don't think it's weird when they are eating dinner with their dad and you're upstairs in your bedroom? Or when one of them has a soccer game but only mom or dad can go, not both!

No, they never thought it was weird. It was always like that. Normal is relative. After we divorced, I told them most married parents share a bedroom, have dinner together, and spend weekends together, and they were shocked. That was never their experience, so there was nothing that had really changed, and divorce had no effect on them whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Oh, we both attend events if free of one of us goes. Not hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a realist, and my current plan is to be open as they get older that we don’t have a picture perfect marriage but that it’s certainly possible and something to aspire to.

I guess I can only hope that’s enough.

No a picture perfect marriage is not possible and it wouldn’t be healthy to encourage your kids to aspire to that.

Be honest with them about how your own marriage started in romantic love but then became a choice to remain with someone who you love as a partner and with whom you knew you could raise your kids with love and support. There is no shame in that whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a realist, and my current plan is to be open as they get older that we don’t have a picture perfect marriage but that it’s certainly possible and something to aspire to.

I guess I can only hope that’s enough.

No a picture perfect marriage is not possible and it wouldn’t be healthy to encourage your kids to aspire to that.

Be honest with them about how your own marriage started in romantic love but then became a choice to remain with someone who you love as a partner and with whom you knew you could raise your kids with love and support. There is no shame in that whatsoever.

+1, although I don't see why it is necessary to describe the relationship to the kids. Every marriage is different.

[Anonymous]

Do you want them to learn about love and relationships from the example you are setting? Because they will. That would be sad and dysfunctional. And it would be living some inauthentic fiction for decades.

I would never orchestrate that as an upbringing.

Consider therapy. And a better future for yourself.

Depression in mothers have profound effects on children. Choose health and honesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 toddlers.

We have frankly never been compatible partners but did love each other at one point.

The love for me has died for many reasons tracing back to strong incompatibility. We have a dead bedroom too but neither cares. DH is low drive and I have become low drive due to long time lack of sex.

I would love to divorce but know what a cluster that would be.

I have resigned to focusing on raising kids, my job, hobbies and friends. I sleep in a separate bedroom, and DH and I split responsibilities for in a way we are both comfortable with.

My question is: How bad is this for kids? I have heard stories about adult children of divorce (which we will obviously do at some point) saying they felt their upbringing was a lie. But what if we never put on a front and just mostly do things with the kids separately? Would this be so bad?

This seems logistically difficult to manage, to me. Will the four of you just not eat dinner together during the week? Or any meals on the weekends? How will you handle holidays? Our family of four spends so much time together (and our kids are older, but it's always been this way) that I can't imagine not being in the same room as my husband. Of course we do things separately - we both work and have hobbies that we spend time on, but every single day there are multiple times during that day that we are all together. We both work from home, so that certainly contributes to it, but I can't imagine how weekends would work.

Not OP. It is not at all logistically difficult to manage separate lives married. It is far harder with two houses. When I was married, for a decade, we never ate dinner together. It is a non-issue. Weekends worked fine. We each did our own thing and things with kids separately. We did not like our in laws so we did holidays separately. (My married parents did that). This is not hard.

What is hard is managing school schedules, extracurricular schedules, and kids crap with two houses. Emotionally, I feel better divorced, but if I had known how bad the logistics would be and how we would have to talk MORE divorced, probably would have stayed married (or divorce and stay in the house) for much longer (we had not had sex in 7 years when we divorced). Separate lives in one house is not hard.

So your kids don't think it's weird when they are eating dinner with their dad and you're upstairs in your bedroom? Or when one of them has a soccer game but only mom or dad can go, not both!

No, they never thought it was weird. It was always like that. Normal is relative. After we divorced, I told them most married parents share a bedroom, have dinner together, and spend weekends together, and they were shocked. That was never their experience, so there was nothing that had really changed, and divorce had no effect on them whatsoever.

Boy are you kidding yourself if you think what you modeled did not royally screw your children up for future relationships!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this situation. You have no idea the weight that will be lifted off your shoulders when you stop pretending and start living your own, separate life. I will never be able to model a good marriage for my girls - but I can model having financial independence, a fulfilling career, and a happy life full of wonderful female friendships, hobbies, and community connections. If you have all those things then a good marriage is a cherry on top for sure, but not necessary.

This poster has her head screwed on straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want them to learn about love and relationships from the example you are setting? Because they will. That would be sad and dysfunctional. And it would be living some inauthentic fiction for decades.

I would never orchestrate that as an upbringing.

Consider therapy. And a better future for yourself.

Depression in mothers have profound effects on children. Choose health and honesty.

??? What was described is the opposite of "inauthentic fiction."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this situation. You have no idea the weight that will be lifted off your shoulders when you stop pretending and start living your own, separate life. I will never be able to model a good marriage for my girls - but I can model having financial independence, a fulfilling career, and a happy life full of wonderful female friendships, hobbies, and community connections. If you have all those things then a good marriage is a cherry on top for sure, but not necessary.

This poster has her head screwed on straight.

No, that poster clearly has an incredibly privileged life financially. Most people with kids can't divorce without finances creating major problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this situation. You have no idea the weight that will be lifted off your shoulders when you stop pretending and start living your own, separate life. I will never be able to model a good marriage for my girls - but I can model having financial independence, a fulfilling career, and a happy life full of wonderful female friendships, hobbies, and community connections. If you have all those things then a good marriage is a cherry on top for sure, but not necessary.

This poster has her head screwed on straight.

No, that poster clearly has an incredibly privileged life financially. Most people with kids can't divorce without finances creating major problems.

Two things can be true at the same time. I agree with PP: that poster has her priorities straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this situation. You have no idea the weight that will be lifted off your shoulders when you stop pretending and start living your own, separate life. I will never be able to model a good marriage for my girls - but I can model having financial independence, a fulfilling career, and a happy life full of wonderful female friendships, hobbies, and community connections. If you have all those things then a good marriage is a cherry on top for sure, but not necessary.

This poster has her head screwed on straight.

No, that poster clearly has an incredibly privileged life financially. Most people with kids can't divorce without finances creating major problems.

Two things can be true at the same time. I agree with PP: that poster has her priorities straight.

The point was that she didn't need to prioritize, because she had money either way.

[Anonymous]

Ok so I grew up with parents like this (who are still together btw) and I had an idyllic childhood. In no way did I feel like they were modeling what I should aspire to in a romantic relationship (I sought out and now have a very loving spouse and we have a more traditional relationship). I think that this model is truly putting the kids first, and I am so grateful to my parents now. At every step my life was easier than if they had separated. They made the sacrifice for me and I appreciate it to this day.