Unwelcome gift from grandparents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to get so worked up about this sort of issues with my MIL, who never respected our values and rules. Well, my kids are now college aged and at some point she stopped sending them gifts, and with maturity I can see at least in part that is my fault because I probably scared her off so much from gift giving since many of her gifts prompted me to remind her of our rules and why she was disregarding them. If I could do it over, I’d just smile, say thank you, snap a pic for her of grandkids and gifts, and find my own way of dealing with the gift that matched my own values (eg, donating the unecessary clothes, giving away the candy, etc). Life is too short to get so worked up about gifts.

I love this perspective.

[Anonymous]

DCUM needs to unclench. If your biggest problem with your ILs is that they send your kid expensive candy, congratulations! Why does everything have to be a boundary setting exercise? Eat the candy, give away candy, who cares. You wouldn’t like anything they send anyway. This is what we do - say thanks and move on however we see fit. If asked whether kid liked it we say yes and move on: easy peats. And no drama. And no, I am not a pushover etc I just know what “boundaries” are worth it and actively prioritize a positive relationship.

[Anonymous]

Give your kid candy and stop being that horrible parent.

[Anonymous]

OMG. This is so stupid. People! Just write a quick thank you text and be done with it.
It's not worth the mental time you all give this kind of stupid stuff. it's like any other gift you don't like. Just say thank you and move on.

[Anonymous]

When you get a present you say thank you.

[Anonymous]

Just say thank you and move on. You are going to feel very silly about this in a couple of years as your kid plows through candy at various Halloween related events.

I mean, maybe you have the worst in laws ever, but this isn’t the right example. Or maybe, you have totally normal in laws. Hard to tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents know we don’t give our 2 year old candy. They sent a huge box of expensive candy for Halloween with a note that said “To Larla, love grandparents”.

What should we do? With their other gifts, I usually send a photo of the kid with the gift but we have no intention of giving kid the giant box of candy. Just text thank you? Is it disingenuous to do so when we are really just going to chuck the box/donate? I am also annoyed they would give this and would almost just rather ignore the “gift” and make it clear we do not appreciate this.

Politely thank them and then tell them not to send gifts of candy/cookies/pastries as well as no sugar free candy. You have to tell them so they know not to send the products for any upcoming events like Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. You can give it away or stick it out if having large number of people over.

[Anonymous]

So many of you think the worst of your in-laws! Assume good intentions. It’s sweet of them to send something. Who cares if the gift itself is a miss. They haven’t had a 2 year old in 30+ years and don’t remember that they’re probably not eating candy yet. Just say thank you.

[Anonymous]

I mean they sent candy for HALLOWEEN, a day that is basically about kids eating candy. This has to be your first child. Are you planning on banning your kid from participating in trick or treating? This does not seem like the boundary hill to die on. Relax.

[Anonymous]

OP you have to find a way to calm down. You can either calm down about the candy consumption, or calm down about the gift management.

Seriously no one is out to get you here or trying to work you into a tizzy. Yes, we should expect our friends and family to respect our boundaries. But you also have to learn to get along a little bit and not make a federal case of every mistake or minor provocation. You can’t let every little thing like this derail you. That’s an impossible way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of you think the worst of your in-laws! Assume good intentions. It’s sweet of them to send something. Who cares if the gift itself is a miss. They haven’t had a 2 year old in 30+ years and don’t remember that they’re probably not eating candy yet. Just say thank you.

She told them not to do it. No need to thank someone for ignoring a request. Thank them when they are kind. Thank them when they babysit. Thank them for being fun company when you see them. No need to thank someone for ignoring a boundary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many of you think the worst of your in-laws! Assume good intentions. It’s sweet of them to send something. Who cares if the gift itself is a miss. They haven’t had a 2 year old in 30+ years and don’t remember that they’re probably not eating candy yet. Just say thank you.

She told them not to do it. No need to thank someone for ignoring a request. Thank them when they are kind. Thank them when they babysit. Thank them for being fun company when you see them. No need to thank someone for ignoring a boundary.

I don’t know. It isn’t clear she told them “don’t ever send candy ever.” Or if they just generally know these people don’t keep candy around for their kid, but assumed Halloween was an exception. I’m pretty darn good at boundaries and I would just thank these people and move on.

As I said before, maybe these are the worst in-laws ever. Or maybe they are just normal people who think there are occasional exceptions to rules for fun events. Which is where most parents land by early elementary. I mean, I had a lot of boundaries around protecting my kid’s sleep, but eventually there were exceptions to the rule. And I didn’t think grandparents were super horrible people if they suggested my kid stay up late. I might not have kept the kids up late, but I didn’t hate them and feel like I needed to call them out or anything.

[Anonymous]

It’s ok if your kid eats one piece of candy on camera.
Give away the rest.
Win win!

[Anonymous]

Just say thank you and eat it yourself. Or bring it into work. Or give the box to a neighbor.

I do let my 2 year old have treats sometimes and I'm pretty crunchy. It's all about balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many of you think the worst of your in-laws! Assume good intentions. It’s sweet of them to send something. Who cares if the gift itself is a miss. They haven’t had a 2 year old in 30+ years and don’t remember that they’re probably not eating candy yet. Just say thank you.

She told them not to do it. No need to thank someone for ignoring a request. Thank them when they are kind. Thank them when they babysit. Thank them for being fun company when you see them. No need to thank someone for ignoring a boundary.

I think a lot of grandparents send candy for Halloween or Valentines day. This is SO minor in the scheme of things. It probably made the grandparents happy to send it and/or remember their grandparents doing stuff like this. Don't stop the gifts now because it will have effects later. I know my older kids would love a box of candy for Halloween from grandparents.

And yes, you say thank you any time that someone gives you a gift. No matter how unwelcome it is.