If you lost your mom when you were young...
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Anonymous
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I have just learned that I have cancer and thinking the worst! I have two young children and the thought of leaving them behind is sickening to me. If you lost your mom early in life is there anything you wish she told you, did with you, left you before she died?
Thanks |
Anonymous
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Diane Rehm did a show on this. You down and listen to it. I hope you will be alright.
"The death of a parent can be a life altering experience at any age, but for children there are special challenges. Adults are often at a loss how to best support children and adolescents who are experiencing profound grief while at the same time trying to meet cope with the demands of school, relationships with peers and changes in routines. Grief counselors know that some feelings and reactions are common, but they also know that every loss is unique and presents its own set of psychological and social issues. Please join us to talk about how to help children and adolescents cope with the loss of a parent Guests Carole Geithner assistant clinical professor of psychology, George Washington University School of Medicine and author of a new novel, "If Only" Susan Ley executive director, Wendt Center for Loss and Healing Gardiner Harris science reporter for The New York Times and author of the mystery novel "Hazard." Liz Kelly graduate student, The Catholic University of America, Related Items Image of If Only If Only Program Highlights People say children are resilient, but when a parent dies, the emotional and psychological challenges can be overwhelming. Diane and a panel of guests talked about how children and teenagers cope with the loss of a parent and what other adults in their lives can do to help. How A Parent's Death Changes The Course Of A Life Geithner, who lost her own mother when she was 25, realized at that age how such a loss sets people apart. "Life stops in a way while everyone else's life is going on...I experienced how awkward it can be for people to know how to react to you," she said. Harris lost his mother at age 13 and realizes today that if she had lived, he would be a very different person. Harris said he would have much better table manners, but also realizes that he is "fiercely independent" because she wasn't there. He and his brother even avoided spending time with her in the final stages of her illness, to his shame today. "It's the sort of thing that I'm never going to get over, and probably never forgive myself for," he said. Not Knowing What To Say Kelly, who is earning her master's degree in clinical social work, lost her father when she was a freshman in high school. She remembers that few people, her peers and adults alike, seemed to know what to say. "So for the most part, they really didn't say anything. So part of my motivation for going back to school to get my master's in clinical social work is so that I can help others who are going through challenging circumstances," Kelly said. She's learning that it may be perfectly fine for adults to say to young people, "I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I know it's hard." Simple, Straightforward Language For Young Children A listener sent an email to the guests asking what suggestions they had for her 4 year-old niece, who lost her mother several months ago. "I think one of the great gifts that the surviving parent and family members can do is to continue to share stories and memories about the person who died, especially with such a young child," Geithner said. Ley agreed, and added that the language used needs to be very simple, very clear, and very straightforward. "The irreversibility of death is not well understood at age 4, probably not until 9 or 10, so the question of is mommy coming back or where did she go. So we want to use really straightforward language," Ley said. Grief As A Process Harris talked about the reality of his mother's death hitting him at different moments - like the first time he was home sick from school after her death and realized she wasn't there to care for him. Geithner agreed that grief comes "out in bits and pieces and bursts" when young people can handle it rather in the long, profound way that adults might grieve and mourn. You can read the [full transcript here(http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2012-03-05/death-parent/transcript)." |
Anonymous
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My dh's mom died when he was 4yo. She was in the hospital the 2 prior years before her death.
Nowadays, you can leave videos and all types of memories for you to leave behind for your kids to somehow know you. But one thing that is important is how your spouse will handle the loss - which the children will witness and integrate into their psyche. There needs to be a healthy grieving process. In the 70s, psychologists said not to talk about death to children, so dh never knew his mother had died. A year following my dh's mother's death, he was still asking where she was! Yes, I know, it's heartbreaking. I don't think there's closure for anyone to this day. My dh's father did not confront the loss at all and abandoned the kids. The 2 kids, beginning at ages 4 and 6, were home alone most of the time. When the kids wanted to see their baby photos in the attic, their father would start crying, so they stopped asking and never talked about the death. To this day, my dh has not seen most of his baby pics. The mother's body was cremated so there was no grave to visit. DH said he wished there were at least a grave. |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm so sorry. What kind of cancer? What is your prognosis like? I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. I have no advice, just lots of love your way. |
Anonymous
| OP, I am so sorry. Wishing you the best and hoping you go into remission and go on to live a long life with your children. {{{{hugs}}}} |
Anonymous
This is just heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your DH. And to OP, I am praying that your prognosis is good. My father died recently though I am no longer young. Growing up, he wrote me many letters which, thankfully, I have saved. I often go back and read them and feel like he is back with me, albeit momentarily. I can hear his voice in those letters. So maybe that is something you can do for your children. Sending love and light. |
Anonymous
| I am sorry for your diagnosis, OP. My mother died of cancer when I was a teen, and I was diagnosed with (an unrelated) cancer when my kids were toddlers, so I have been through both sides of this. My words to you right now are to try to take it day to day and not to let your mind wander into "my kids will grow up without me." (Ativan can help nighttime wanderings of the brain!) There will be time for that later if need be (and hopefully you will not need to), but per your post you were just diagnosed and it probably all seems so very scary and overwhelming so try to focus on there here and now - how will you structure your days so you can get some good time with your kids despite the chemo/surgery side effects - make sure you surround yourself with lots of adult support so you can spend your good moments playing with your kids and not cleaning the bathroom (bc all that stuff still needs to get done!). I found that once my treatment plan was underway, I could move a bit past the "what it's" and instead focus on living my normal, day to day life, just doing so with cancer. Your kids will want their lives as undisturbed as possible so the more you can keep things "as usual," the better. Good luck and I wish you the best! |
Anonymous
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OP- I am so very sorry. I wish you the best. I hope you kick C's butt!
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Anonymous
| I was 4 when my mother died. I think writing a letter to each of your children would be wonderful. And take pictures of you together. I don't have a letter from my mom, and I don't feel like I have any proof that she really loved me. Although I'm sure she did. Its a hard time because Dads are grieving themselves, so it can be difficult for kids to understand whats going on. I hope your kids are close with your parents - I thought that was helpful growing up, to still have that connection to her through them. |
Anonymous
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"He and his brother even avoided spending time with her in the final stages of her illness, to his shame today. "It's the sort of thing that I'm never going to get over, and probably never forgive myself for," he said."
That quote rings true for DH. He lost his mom earlier than age 13, but he also remembers avoiding seeing his mom, because he said, seeing her reminded him that he was going to lose her soon, and he didn't want that to happen. He also said his family threw away almost all pictures of his mother, so he wouldn't have to think about her (could forget faster). I think it would have helped if DH's father helped him process his feelings during his mother's illness and afterwards, instead of trying to create a "normal" life as if his mom was fine. Also, maybe if you could find ways your kids can be helpful during your illness, and let them know they make you feel better. DH feels shame, not only because he avoided his mom, but also because he feels that he wasn't there for her (knowing now that she also needed him). Cancer is not a death sentence. Good luck in your recovery! |
Anonymous
| I think birthday cards and letters for different stages of their lives would be wonderful. |
Anonymous
And yes, it reminds them on each birthday of their loss and could be a real downer. I think the idea is nice, but I don't know if you want to re-open a wound each year. |
Anonymous
| Op I know its not the same as a mom, but my aunt died six years ago right after I started dating my now husband. My mom gave me a card the night before our wedding that my aunt wrote me before she died. It certainly made me cry, but the fact that she thought ahead of me to have a small part of her there for my wedding day will live with me forever. It was the best feeling I could hear her voice so clearly as I read it. That card was the best gift I will ever receive |
Anonymous
This is incredibly touching. OP, I have no advice. Just wanted to wish you much strength in your journey ahead. I pray that you come out of this victorious. |
Anonymous
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My father died of cancer when I was 9. I also wish he had written a letter or taken more photos with us. Again it was the early 80s so there were no videos etc. but I remember as a child just really wishing for a letter from him a few years later.
My best word of advice would make sure their lives stay as similar as possible and that they get therapy. We never talked about my dad after he died, like ever... he was just there and awesome and then had cancer and then was never mentioned again. My mother also became very depressed, had to go back to work and my daily life changed dramatically. I went to school then came home and was by myself, no after school activities because there was no money for them and no one to drive me there. My mother came home and we had dinner but then she just locked herself in the den to watch tv all night. She died when I was in college but it honestly was a relief because she was so depressed for so many years. I was really not well after my father died but it was the early 80s and no one really recognized it or thought of getting me help. I would write letters to god asking him to make my mother die and my father come back... really messed up things. I tried to kill myself in 7th grade but it didnt work so I didnt tell anyone. I was bulimic from 10th grade well into adulthood. Had severe panic attacks from 5th grade on that no one addressed... things like hitting myself in the face over and over again if I did not do well on a test or if I was not invited to a party. I really do blame the whole thing on my father dying and the situation just being handled horribly. And before all this my family was like a perfect, happy family. Solidly upper middle class well adjusted and liked each other. It was amazing how fast things unraveled. I think what saved me is my mother used the little money she got from social security to send me to sleep away camp for 8 weeks every year. It was my godsend. I say this not to freak you out but you need to think about this if death really is a reality for you. THINGS WILL BE BAD. People who you thought you could rely on eventually fade. We were a couple hundred dollars away from losing our house and my fathers sister sat in our living room bitching about how expensive the buy in was for the country club near her new summer house. Wrong on so many levels. Also very wrong that I, at age 10 or 11, was burdened with the idea of us losing our house. I have no relationship with either side of my family now. I really think I should write a book. To give you hope I am a very well adjusted adult with a good marriage and family. I never stopped working out of fear of my husband dying and essentially going bust. I make significantly less than him but could manage to keep my family afloat if he left. Its probably too late now but buy life insurance if you can. I hope things go well for you in treatment and that your family doesnt have to face the potential of your loss. |