Mean Girl Schadenfreude

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have any stories of mean, pretty, popular girls who teased them who eventually met with failure, disappointment or didn't continue on with their seemingly perfect life? If you do, please share!

I don't and it disappoints me, still. My daughter is at an age where she is going to start encountering these scenarios. I am wondering what advice to give her about girl's and their subtle and not so subtle ways of shoving other weaker girls down on a daily basis.

My mother used to comfort me and tell me it's more important to be kind and "good natured" than cut throat and competitive. She would say that many of them were probably insecure and unhappy themselves. In retrospect, I think that this was never true.
The sad fact of the matter is what went around never came around for these girls. I think they were pretty,confident, smart and successful and by all accounts, remain this way. They were mean...but this somehow propelled them in a positive way.

I fantasized at times that many of them would end up fat or divorced at a minimum. Sadly, all of the snooty bitches at my high school became partners at law firms, doctors, professors, have wealthy husbands, compete in triathlons, etc. ..they continued on the same path to success that they started on.

Yes, I am still traumatized by the way these girls kicked sand in my face. And no, I was not super nerdy, fat or awkward. My only crime was and remains insecurity that came from a childhood of abuse and neglect. It made me vulnerable to their criticism in a way that still stings today, 30 years later.

How do you protect your children from this kind of damage to their self esteem? What do you say to your daughter who isn't as pretty, smart or athletic?

[Anonymous]

You should focus on your inner happiness rather than others. Try prayer or meditation. seriously. it's not healthy to be thinking back about your high school days. People do silly/stupid things when they are younger that does not define them later on in their lives -- these pretty/successful women may feel pretty awful about their stupidity in thier younger years. doesn't make them awful people now!

But like I said - you need to find your inner happy place. Teach your kids to be proud of who they are also.

[Anonymous]

OP -- totally get where you are coming from. I've realized as an adult that those stories of nerds inheriting the earth or what have you are the stuff of adolescent mythology.

There were several girls I envied terribly while growing up -- they seemed to have it all (looks, popularity, brains, great family). They weren't mean, but I really really wanted their lives. Well, 20 years later and pushing 40 years old, none of them are married and have never had kids. Not that that is bad, but not what I would have wanted for myself. Not sure what my point is with that story except that I shouldn't have wasted all that time 25 years ago wanting to be someone else. I now have the life I want and am very happy.

The other thing I've learned is that you have NO idea what is truly going on in other people's lives. There's a woman I know who was kind of what you described -- beautiful, thin, hot husband, wealth, yadayada yada and also a complete bitch. I didn't know her very well but well enough to know that it didn't seem fair that she had that perfect life. Well turns out she's now getting divorced and life sucks for her. And yeah, I know it's totally adolescent, but I was so happy to hear it!

That being said, I remember reading a fortune that said something like "instead of worrying about what you want that you don't have; be thankful for what you don't have that you don't want." Good advice that I and you should take!

[Anonymous]

I wasn't a mean girl. I wasn't ever picked on either. I was probably solid second-tier popular- well liked, well known, made friends with everyone, but not one of "the" popular ones. Regardless, I cannot understand why grown adults continue to wish ill on people for things they did when they were 14-18. They were KIDS! Wishing divorce on a 45 year old woman with children because she made you feel bad when she was 16 is just weird and creepy. Who we were in high school is most times not at all representative of the kind of adults we become, and hoping bad things happen to these people (99% of whom you probably haven't spoken to since high school, so you likely have no idea what kind of person they are now) speaks to the quality of your life. Teach your daughter, instead of wishing tragedy or bad things upon others, to focus on her own happiness and quality of life. Look inward for happiness, not outward. Being happy with your own life and choices will sustain happiness a lot longer than the momentary glee you get from hearing a former cheerleader got fat. Come on, lady, get over it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't know what was going on in the lives of those "mean" girls any more than they know about all the ins and outs of your life as a child. Have a little compassion for them and you, and move on with your life. Really, life's too short to be dwelling on these old wrongs. Sorry girls were unkind to you, but they were kids, they didn't know what they were doing. Time to move on.

[Anonymous]

My only crime was and remains insecurity that came from a childhood of abuse and neglect. It made me vulnerable to their criticism in a way that still stings today, 30 years later.

This is the core of your true issues. The issue is your own insecurity. Some pretty, popular girls are mean and some are nice. But having this insecurity in your own psyche is what is keeping you from moving on. I honestly think the best thing you can do for your daughters is to instill in them confidence of their own choices and love of themselves, and then also perspective on the lives of others. Its always hard being bullied or left out or etc. But having that core self-confidence is what helps people stand up to all the crap and find their own niche in life. Life isnt fair. But the moral of that isnt: "some people have it all, and I have it worse". The moral is: everyone has a little good and bad, and you can't always tell from looking, and so make good with what you have and be true to yourself. My mother always said, she wished for her kids to be "good" not "happy"--because if you can learn to be "good" then you can make the "happy" come for yourself. . .

[Anonymous]

It seems to me you are going about this the wrong way. You want your daughter to have a "get even" mentality where the girls who tease her come to ruin and despair. So, basically, you want her to be a mean girl and have her turn being mean too, with the current mean girls on the bottom being treated badly.

What is the difference, really, then between your daughter and the current mean girls, other than timing? You are just encouraging her to be spiteful and mean too, right?

I think concentrating on the notion that people "come into their own in their own time" is a much better idea. That your daughter will have a time in her life when she is comfortable, accepted and has a circle of friends she feels happy about. That everyone gets married, has a family, and friends. That 5th grade (or whatever) is not the peak of existence.

[Anonymous]

OP- everything has to do with your childhood of abuse and neglect, and you being vulnerable because of that!
Besides therapy for yourself, in regards to your dd you need to remind yourself that your daughter is not growing up like that so she will face these challenges differently!!! The best thing you can do for her is giving her a high self esteem and confidence!

[Anonymous]

What do you say to your daughter who isn't as pretty, smart or athletic?

Well first of all, you tell her she IS beautiful, because every daughter needs to hear that from her mother. No half-assed "you have a pretty face, or pretty eyes" or whatever, just tell her flat out that you think she is beautiful and always be her cheerleader and champion in that regard, with no backhanded compliments. My parents always made me feel that way, and even though I know on an intellectual level that it isn't objectively true, it gave me a core of unshakeable confidence emotionally. I don't believe in false praise, but I think this is one area where parents need to just give unconditional love, because society will send her a million negative messages to counteract that.

And you tell her you think she is smart. Because there are many different kinds of intelligence, so even if she isn't "school smart" she will have some other gifts, whether it is being musical, or being good with her hands, or being emotionally tuned into others, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

You want Mean Girl Schadenfreude? Watch the film Young Adult. Total nerd revenge fantasy!

[Anonymous]

OP, some of the mean girls I knew grew out of it and are now lovely people. Just because they all seem successful doesn't mean they are still mean. Also not sure why you would anticipate victimhood for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

A girl used to make fun of me in middle school because I was poor and lived in a "slum"... The last I heard of her was a few years ago. She was working as a stripper in a rough part of our hometown.

It doesn't make me happy though. It hurt me at the time, but now I realize I was never much poorer than she was. We were all just poor kids in a poor town. I got out and she didn't.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you for all of your feedback. I know I need to get over it...and these comments are helpful to this end. I am raising my children under different circumstances, so ideally they will be more confident. But ultimately, everyone gets bullied at some point and I don't want to encourage my children to respond with equal cruelty as a PP commented...I did not mean to give this impression.

Also, I do think that many of these kids who are cruel know exactly what they are doing. They might hear it at home, how certain types of people are losers, etc. I don't think it's fair to say that all of them were ignorant of how hurtful they were. Kids aren't as naive as many people make them out to be.

Anyway, still trying to move on...again, thanks for all your feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you for all of your feedback. I know I need to get over it...and these comments are helpful to this end. I am raising my children under different circumstances, so ideally they will be more confident. But ultimately, everyone gets bullied at some point and I don't want to encourage my children to respond with equal cruelty as a PP commented...I did not mean to give this impression.

Also, I do think that many of these kids who are cruel know exactly what they are doing. They might hear it at home, how certain types of people are losers, etc. I don't think it's fair to say that all of them were ignorant of how hurtful they were. Kids aren't as naive as many people make them out to be.

Anyway, still trying to move on...again, thanks for all your feedback.

Couldn't agree more. I think bullies just learn to be more socially appropriate, but their character is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you for all of your feedback. I know I need to get over it...and these comments are helpful to this end. I am raising my children under different circumstances, so ideally they will be more confident. But ultimately, everyone gets bullied at some point and I don't want to encourage my children to respond with equal cruelty as a PP commented...I did not mean to give this impression.

Also, I do think that many of these kids who are cruel know exactly what they are doing. They might hear it at home, how certain types of people are losers, etc. I don't think it's fair to say that all of them were ignorant of how hurtful they were. Kids aren't as naive as many people make them out to be.

Anyway, still trying to move on...again, thanks for all your feedback.

Could not agree more, which is why I think parents have to be really careful about their own behavior around their children. I suspect that most of these mean girls and bullies come from a long line of them.