Mean Girl Schadenfreude

[Anonymous]

Means girls marry fat, ugly, bald law firm partners and have bratty children who go to private schools. They are forced to starve themselves and work out incessantly to keep their rich husbands. At 50 the husbands dump them anyway and then they have to get jobs at Neimans or Saks.

Revenge enough?

[Anonymous]

I wasn't bullied in HS. I was fairly pretty and well-liked but I wasn't in the "popular" clique. There was one girl, however. She was mean but not pretty. She use to pick on me, but then again, she picked on a lot of people. Just an ugly personality. She would just say stuff out of the blue, like "OMG... didn't you wear those shoes yesterday?" Or, "OMG... bad hair day? What happened?" Things that would mean nothing to me today but preyed on teenage vulnerabilities. It really bugged me at the time. Anyway, at my 20 year reunion I found out she died of cancer shortly before that. Whoa. Less schadenfreude and more shock. But, I have to admit I wasn't sad.

[Anonymous]

This is the beauty of Facebook! I can find just about all those hot chix from middle/high school on FB - they're all in the same town, dating the same guys (after divorce from their hometown meanie-sweeties) working in the same dead-end jobs. I have traveled the world, married into brilliance and never, ever looked back (except now, on FB!) show her what really becomes of these girls and how she will be different!

[Anonymous]

OP, are you on facebook? If your HS classmates are like mine, all you need to do is look them up on facebook. They are either regretful and apologetic about their past behavior, or they turned into fat, miserable, ugly people. most of them have never left our hometown (which is incredibly blah), and they are reliving their glory days through their children, who go to our old school and play the same sports or do the same activities as their parents.

Now. the quiet, mousy, awkward looking misfits from HS turned out to be SUPER COOL people! they have awesome jobs and live in CA, FL, and wherever the hell they wanted to go! they look great and go on incredible trips/adventures. Don't peak too early, kids!

[Anonymous]

High School and Middle School are shaping years for sure and can suck big time. I was pretty much an outcast in middle school (a foreign kid, need I say more), but by high school became popular. I am still friends with all of my high school friends and we were the popular girls. Same lunch table all 4 years, cheerleaders, etc. I have to say, I never felt comfortable when my good friends made fun of other kids, and I never partook in any of that. I really liked my smart classmates and still do. Kids can be very mean and most of the time they do know what they are doing especially by high school. All of my friends are married with kids and have careers, not to say that equals happiness, but at least on the surface. But so are all the nerdy girls they made fun of. I'm friends with many on FB and really glad to see pretty much everyone is happy and doing well. Try to teach your daughter self-worth regardless of what others think of her and once she's in college, she will make her own way and have much more choice in her friends.

[Anonymous]

I find the girls and boys who peaked in middle or high school never saw their peak again. Not to worry, OP.

[Anonymous]

I wasn't bullied as a kid, but I do know a few adult "mean girls" in my circle. And sadly (in my book at least), their lives are all going really well for them. As in, they're marrying nice men, having kids when they want them, having good luck in their careers and real estate and life in general. It's annoying at times - I do feel like really mean people should face consequences at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Means girls marry fat, ugly, bald law firm partners and have bratty children who go to private schools. They are forced to starve themselves and work out incessantly to keep their rich husbands. At 50 the husbands dump them anyway and then they have to get jobs at Neimans or Saks.
Revenge enough?

OP here. I grew up in Bethesda. I see the pics of the mean girls on Facebook often, and all of them still look like they are ready to lead cheers in bikinis at the HS reunion.

I guess wealthy, privileged, mean girls don't end up stuck in small towns, growing cankles and becoming has beens. These women all appear to have went on to great schools, have these big careers and equally gorgeous husbands, so I don't think any of them will end up spritzing perfume at Neimans or becoming realtors. Sadly, for my own schadenfreude fantasy, I think this is more the arena of Michaele Salahi ( aka Missy Holt, Oakton High).

That said, maybe I need to look them up on Facebook in my 50's....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't bullied as a kid, but I do know a few adult "mean girls" in my circle. And sadly (in my book at least), their lives are all going really well for them. As in, they're marrying nice men, having kids when they want them, having good luck in their careers and real estate and life in general. It's annoying at times - I do feel like really mean people should face consequences at some point.

I do agree that they should face some consquences at some point. So many meanies continue to get rewarded for being horrible. I am really happy with my life. I am not jealous of the girls who were terrible to me in MS/HS, I feel sorry for them for being such pathetic jerks, but I'll have to admit that the meanest one really does have something nasty coming to her and I won't feel bad when it hits.

[Anonymous]

Interesting OP, you mean you hope for Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold type things for those who were mean to you in high school? You need to get over high school, it's over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting OP, you mean you hope for Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold type things for those who were mean to you in high school? You need to get over high school, it's over.

Schadenfreude is more subtle than wishing someone's death...I just said I wish they might have not continued to stay so perfect. I at no time expressed any fantasy about anyone being injured or killed.

[Anonymous]

OP, just remember that FB is only giving you the story they want you to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you say to your daughter who isn't as pretty, smart or athletic?

Well first of all, you tell her she IS beautiful, because every daughter needs to hear that from her mother. No half-assed "you have a pretty face, or pretty eyes" or whatever, just tell her flat out that you think she is beautiful and always be her cheerleader and champion in that regard, with no backhanded compliments. My parents always made me feel that way, and even though I know on an intellectual level that it isn't objectively true, it gave me a core of unshakeable confidence emotionally. I don't believe in false praise, but I think this is one area where parents need to just give unconditional love, because society will send her a million negative messages to counteract that.

And you tell her you think she is smart. Because there are many different kinds of intelligence, so even if she isn't "school smart" she will have some other gifts, whether it is being musical, or being good with her hands, or being emotionally tuned into others, or whatever.

She needs to hear these things from her father too. And, if for some reason there's no father in her life, she needs to hear them from a father figure or some other adult male role model

[Anonymous]

I'm curious how you people remain in such close contact with any of your tormentors in high school? Are you still stuck in that same circle of people? You never left town, etc?

Last year I was literally shocked that someone posted on FB that she was giddy about being invited to a party being hosted by one of the "popular" crowd. These people still all live in my same hometown in Ohio. I thought at first she was joking, but it turns out she was very serious. The popularity caste system had held over 25 years hence. I was aghast.

I am basically completely detached from HS. I did my own thing in HS and was neither "popular" or unpopular. I just didn't engage in it and didn't give two shits. I'm also probably the most successful person from my class now. So there's that.

I'm just shocked that people still think this way.

[Anonymous]

For me it's been a mix. Some of the MGs have ended up with lives that I would not have been happy with, others have done as well or better. The shock came when I realized that they were still friends with each other and still didn't want me around - 20 years later. (We were in touch for a short time a couple years ago. Still not invited.) Anyway, obviously they have a bond with each other they don't have with me. It stung because I had hoped to heal some of the old wounds by being back in touch with them and, to be totally honest, showing off. But, they c*ck blocked me yet again.

That experience made me realize that I was looking to them for validation that I was never going to get and, in truth, really didn't need. It really doesn't matter what happens to them or if they ever like me. I have plenty of deep friendships and a happy life. I am a good person, whether the MGs ever acknowledge it or not. Nothing they do or say is relevant to my life in any way. They are just people I went to HS with and the only way they matter is if I let it happen.

So, OP, my BTDT advice is to not let it happen. Don't let them matter enough to care what happens to them - good or bad. They don't care what happens to you. That doesn't make you or them bad people. It simply makes you strangers. Ignore them like you would ignore anyone you don't know well and focus on the people who bring positive stuff into your life.

And, PS, there's this 30 Rock episode in which Liz goes back to her HS reunion all ready to get even with the MGs who tortured her. What she discovered was that all the girls she'd thought had victimized her, well they felt victimized by Liz. Liz thought she had just reacted to being treated badly, but the MGs saw her as the aggressor. I'm not saying that you were a MG OP, but it did make me think about my own sense of being victimized by MGs and made me wonder what my own behavior must have looked like to them from the outside. In the end I think we just have to accept that HS is miserable for everyone and leave it at that.