Mean Girl Schadenfreude

[Anonymous]

OP, I was a major nerd (valedictorian) in high school, but was in a rural town. All the mean girls followed the same arc: pretty, athletic, and mean in high school; married to their high school sweetheart (jock) right after school; 3-4 kids by our 10 year reunion, and fat and frumpy as hell. On the other hand, I have a great life and awesome DH and a career that's well-paid and respected in DC (and 1 DD who is the light of my life).

When I go back to my hometown I actually feel bad for the former mean girls. They are really beaten down and their dreams have evaporated in the day-to-day stress of barely scraping by. I certainly don't feel a sense of schadenfreude, even though I could. I just feel lucky I had the brains to get out of there and do something with my life. It sounds like the mean girls in your hometown were higher SES and better educated than the mean girls in my hometown, but still, why are you bitter toward them still?

I think you need to focus on your happiness and what is fulfilling to you. Then go out and pursue it. Sounds like what you envied about those girls wasn't their looks or money, but rather their ability to focus on what they wanted and get it (careers and athletic achievements, for example). Use your unresolved feelings to get motivated about meeting and exceeding your goals for your own life. You'll forget they ever existed!

[Anonymous]

MADISON, S.D. —

From the moment 73-year-old Carl Ericsson rang his old high school classmate's doorbell in January, verified the man's identity and then shot him dead, the question had been what prompted him to confront a man he hadn't even spoken to in years.
The startling answer, a prosecutor said Friday, was a 1950s locker room humiliation that festered in Ericsson's mind for a half-century.

"He said that a jockstrap was put on his head," Kenneth Meyer said. "It's the only thing he's ever mentioned in talking to law enforcement."

Ericsson, who a psychiatrist said suffered from anxiety and depression for years, last month pleaded guilty but mentally ill to second-degree murder in the death of Norman Johnson.

"I guess it was from something that happened over 50 years ago," Ericsson told a judge then. "It was apparently in my subconscious."

He was sentenced Friday to life in prison.

Johnson was a track star at Madison High School, and Ericsson a student sports manager. The prosecutor said he had no other details about the locker room story, which never was corroborated.

"I know of no one that remembers it or acknowledges it other than Carl," Meyer said.

He also declined to say whether in Ericsson's telling, it was Johnson who put the jockstrap on his head.

Beth Ribstein, Johnson's youngest daughter, said she couldn't understand how someone could hold onto a grudge for so long.

"It was just goofing off in a locker room," Ribstein said, shaking her head.

Ribstein, 50, addressed the court before Ericsson was sentenced, and accused him of envying Johnson's success in the Madison community.

After high school, Johnson played college football, earned a bachelor's and a master's degree and returned to Madison High to teach and coach for more than 30 years.

More than 600 people - about one-sixth of Madison's population - attended Johnson's funeral, including one of Ericsson's family members. Johnson was well-liked and respected across the community, Ribstein said.

"I can't blame you for being jealous of dad," she said to Ericsson.

Ericsson himself was no failure.

He had lived in Wyoming before returning to South Dakota and settling in Watertown, a town nearly an hour north of Madison. He has been married to his wife, Deanna, for more than 44 years, is a North Dakota State University graduate and recently retired from a 25-year insurance career, his attorney, Scott Bratland, has said.

But Ericsson was not well. In an affidavit supporting Ericsson's change of plea, psychiatrist Robert Giebink wrote that Ericsson has a long history of anxiety problems and suffers from "severe and recurrent depression that is, for the most part, treatment resistant." Giebink said Ericsson was significantly depressed and suicidal when they first met in January.

"Thinking was irrational. Judgment was impaired," Giebink wrote. "He made the comment that he wished each night that he would not wake up in the morning."

Investigators first learned of a potential past incident between the two from Ericsson's brother, Madison attorney Dick Ericsson. Ericsson said in the arrest affidavit that "there was an incident where Norm Johnson did something to Carl."

Dick Ericsson has refused interview requests and declined comment again Friday. No published phone listing could be found Friday for Ericsson's wife.

In brief comments to the judge Friday, Carl Ericsson did not address the grudge but said he would like to tell Johnson's widow, Barb, that he was very sorry for what he had done.

"I just wish I could turn the calendar back," he said.

Ericsson pleaded not guilty to a first-degree murder charge in February and requested a jury trial. But Meyer and Bratland announced May 1 that a deal had been reached. The first-degree murder charge could have carried the death penalty if prosecutors chose to pursue it.

A defendant can be sentenced to the state penitentiary under South Dakota's "guilty but mentally ill" law. Treatment for the mental illness can be given in prison, or the inmate can be transferred to other facilities under the jurisdiction of the Department of Social Services for treatment and then returned to the penitentiary to complete his or her sentence.

Johnson's oldest daughter, 52-year-old Terri Wiblemo, noted in court that Sunday is Father's Day, and each year her dad looked forward to enjoying his favorite meal of fried chicken, potato salad and rhubarb pie.

"We miss my dad very much," she said.

Read more here: http://www.islandpacket.com/2012/06/15/2102905/74-year-old-to-be-sentenced-in.html#storylink=misearch#storylink=cpy

[Anonymous]

Jealousy - they don't call it the green monster for nothing.

I can relate OP - my kids are with kids who seem to have it all and it seems to mute them. However my strategy is to just ignore it and make sure my kids are busy with their own stuff.

[Anonymous]

It isn't worth worrying about how someone else is doing, all you can do is focus on whether you are happy with yourself and your own life. Honestly, I am pretty sure it would not make you feel any better if the girls you are referring to had unhappy lives. One of the former "mean girls" from my high school was killed in the WTC on September 11th. I felt horrible upon hearing about it. Presumably she had matured and become a better person by then. Even if she hadn't, she certainly didn't deserve for that to happen to her.

[Anonymous]

I totally get what you are saying OP. I could have written your post.

FWIW, I raise my kids to limited exposure to competitive activities. It seems that EVERYTHING they do pits child against child.
Some of the things I do with them. Examples. Bake, sail, knit, run, or just have a catch and talk.
If you are able, there are some wonderful sleep away camps that build confidence just by virtue of how they are run. I think this is the best thing I have done for my kids!
And....I go to therapy. I have learned that my past has made me who I am today. And, depending on what day it is, I'm happy with who I am. You're not alone! Sending you loving thoughts ( we're good at that!)

[Anonymous]

Oh, PP again. I think the bullies from the past are always chasing something better than they currently have. They are never satisfied with their lives. They are highly insecure. I feel very confident about this!

[Anonymous]

DD was the victim of a mean girl in middle school. DD is now 16 and the mean girl recently apologized to DD on Facebook. So some mean girls turn out OK!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was a major nerd (valedictorian) in high school, but was in a rural town. All the mean girls followed the same arc: pretty, athletic, and mean in high school; married to their high school sweetheart (jock) right after school; 3-4 kids by our 10 year reunion, and fat and frumpy as hell. On the other hand, I have a great life and awesome DH and a career that's well-paid and respected in DC (and 1 DD who is the light of my life).

When I go back to my hometown I actually feel bad for the former mean girls. They are really beaten down and their dreams have evaporated in the day-to-day stress of barely scraping by. I certainly don't feel a sense of schadenfreude, even though I could. I just feel lucky I had the brains to get out of there and do something with my life. It sounds like the mean girls in your hometown were higher SES and better educated than the mean girls in my hometown, but still, why are you bitter toward them still?

I think you need to focus on your happiness and what is fulfilling to you. Then go out and pursue it. Sounds like what you envied about those girls wasn't their looks or money, but rather their ability to focus on what they wanted and get it (careers and athletic achievements, for example). Use your unresolved feelings to get motivated about meeting and exceeding your goals for your own life. You'll forget they ever existed!

I am happy you overcame the problems in your past. Some of us gave up. We were beat down everyplace we went (home, school, etc). If you let a child know they are worthless, they will prove you right. Some of us gave up.

[Anonymous]

Teach your daughter to fight and stand up for herself. More importantly, let her witness you doing the same. I was never popular or cool but I was never subject to bullying either because somehow I wasn't and still am not impressionable.

I don't know where I got it from but I was never a follower or a rebel, I was just always content doing my own thing, regardless of how akward it may seem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

MADISON, S.D. —

From the moment 73-year-old Carl Ericsson rang his old high school classmate's doorbell in January, verified the man's identity and then shot him dead, the question had been what prompted him to confront a man he hadn't even spoken to in years.
The startling answer, a prosecutor said Friday, was a 1950s locker room humiliation that festered in Ericsson's mind for a half-century.

"He said that a jockstrap was put on his head," Kenneth Meyer said. "It's the only thing he's ever mentioned in talking to law enforcement."

Ericsson, who a psychiatrist said suffered from anxiety and depression for years, last month pleaded guilty but mentally ill to second-degree murder in the death of Norman Johnson.

"I guess it was from something that happened over 50 years ago," Ericsson told a judge then. "It was apparently in my subconscious."

He was sentenced Friday to life in prison.

Johnson was a track star at Madison High School, and Ericsson a student sports manager. The prosecutor said he had no other details about the locker room story, which never was corroborated.

"I know of no one that remembers it or acknowledges it other than Carl," Meyer said.

He also declined to say whether in Ericsson's telling, it was Johnson who put the jockstrap on his head.

Beth Ribstein, Johnson's youngest daughter, said she couldn't understand how someone could hold onto a grudge for so long.

"It was just goofing off in a locker room," Ribstein said, shaking her head.

Ribstein, 50, addressed the court before Ericsson was sentenced, and accused him of envying Johnson's success in the Madison community.

After high school, Johnson played college football, earned a bachelor's and a master's degree and returned to Madison High to teach and coach for more than 30 years.

More than 600 people - about one-sixth of Madison's population - attended Johnson's funeral, including one of Ericsson's family members. Johnson was well-liked and respected across the community, Ribstein said.

"I can't blame you for being jealous of dad," she said to Ericsson.

Ericsson himself was no failure.

He had lived in Wyoming before returning to South Dakota and settling in Watertown, a town nearly an hour north of Madison. He has been married to his wife, Deanna, for more than 44 years, is a North Dakota State University graduate and recently retired from a 25-year insurance career, his attorney, Scott Bratland, has said.

But Ericsson was not well. In an affidavit supporting Ericsson's change of plea, psychiatrist Robert Giebink wrote that Ericsson has a long history of anxiety problems and suffers from "severe and recurrent depression that is, for the most part, treatment resistant." Giebink said Ericsson was significantly depressed and suicidal when they first met in January.

"Thinking was irrational. Judgment was impaired," Giebink wrote. "He made the comment that he wished each night that he would not wake up in the morning."

Investigators first learned of a potential past incident between the two from Ericsson's brother, Madison attorney Dick Ericsson. Ericsson said in the arrest affidavit that "there was an incident where Norm Johnson did something to Carl."

Dick Ericsson has refused interview requests and declined comment again Friday. No published phone listing could be found Friday for Ericsson's wife.

In brief comments to the judge Friday, Carl Ericsson did not address the grudge but said he would like to tell Johnson's widow, Barb, that he was very sorry for what he had done.

"I just wish I could turn the calendar back," he said.

Ericsson pleaded not guilty to a first-degree murder charge in February and requested a jury trial. But Meyer and Bratland announced May 1 that a deal had been reached. The first-degree murder charge could have carried the death penalty if prosecutors chose to pursue it.

A defendant can be sentenced to the state penitentiary under South Dakota's "guilty but mentally ill" law. Treatment for the mental illness can be given in prison, or the inmate can be transferred to other facilities under the jurisdiction of the Department of Social Services for treatment and then returned to the penitentiary to complete his or her sentence.

Johnson's oldest daughter, 52-year-old Terri Wiblemo, noted in court that Sunday is Father's Day, and each year her dad looked forward to enjoying his favorite meal of fried chicken, potato salad and rhubarb pie.

"We miss my dad very much," she said.

Read more here: http://www.islandpacket.com/2012/06/15/2102905/74-year-old-to-be-sentenced-in.html#storylink=misearch#storylink=cpy

OP here, I am not sure what the intent of posting this, but rest assured I have no fantasies of killing the mean girls from my childhood. I just stated that it would have been gratifying to hear one of them became a " loser" and perhaps gained some insight or compassion into their behavior. It is notable that they bully in this scenario still continued to be a popular jock throughout his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teach your daughter to fight and stand up for herself. More importantly, let her witness you doing the same. I was never popular or cool but I was never subject to bullying either because somehow I wasn't and still am not impressionable.

I don't know where I got it from but I was never a follower or a rebel, I was just always content doing my own thing, regardless of how akward it may seem

+1
I confronted a mean girl who was saying nasty things about me behind my back. I had the confidence to do that and not care what her friends thought. She knew she was wrong, even though she tried to deny it. I think she was shocked that anyone would stand up to her. I don't recall being bullied by the mean girls. To answer OP's question, some of the mean girls turned out okay and others have major emotional issues, marital issues etc. I see it on Facebook. I don't take pleasure in it though. Just worry about yourself, forget them.

[Anonymous]

My high school classmate was homecoming queen when I was a senior. She's in her early 40s now, divorced with no kids. She wasn't mean but I was surprised by how differently her life turned out. I was sure she would be married with beautiful children. BTW, she's still beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was a major nerd (valedictorian) in high school, but was in a rural town. All the mean girls followed the same arc: pretty, athletic, and mean in high school; married to their high school sweetheart (jock) right after school; 3-4 kids by our 10 year reunion, and fat and frumpy as hell. On the other hand, I have a great life and awesome DH and a career that's well-paid and respected in DC (and 1 DD who is the light of my life).

When I go back to my hometown I actually feel bad for the former mean girls. They are really beaten down and their dreams have evaporated in the day-to-day stress of barely scraping by. I certainly don't feel a sense of schadenfreude, even though I could. I just feel lucky I had the brains to get out of there and do something with my life. It sounds like the mean girls in your hometown were higher SES and better educated than the mean girls in my hometown, but still, why are you bitter toward them still?

I think you need to focus on your happiness and what is fulfilling to you. Then go out and pursue it. Sounds like what you envied about those girls wasn't their looks or money, but rather their ability to focus on what they wanted and get it (careers and athletic achievements, for example). Use your unresolved feelings to get motivated about meeting and exceeding your goals for your own life. You'll forget they ever existed!

I am happy you overcame the problems in your past. Some of us gave up. We were beat down everyplace we went (home, school, etc). If you let a child know they are worthless, they will prove you right. Some of us gave up.

That is so very sad. I think it's a lesson to us to give our daughters our support and encourage them to find what they are good at.

[Anonymous]

Everybody is so nice and forgiving around here. Who would have guessed? Oh, yes, that's yet another way to be mean (this time to OP).

OP, unfortunately I don't have much to give you. I was not super popular but was nevertheless quite confident so there were only maybe 3 girls in my HS that I envied. One of them was incredibly beautiful, another sexy and very smart and yet another good looking, well dressed and just all around cool. None of them bullied me so I don't hate them, but would still prefer that their lives are inferior to mine . Unfortunately, I avoid Facebook like a plague so I have no clue how they are doing.

[Anonymous]

High school is a vulnerable time. I was bullied and as a result became very withdrawn and still have trouble opening up and getting personal.
But my life has turned out ok. Maybe I would be more confident at work and have more friends and be more successful, if they could just have ignored me instead?
I do sometimes wonder if they ever felt bad about it. At least for now I am with absolute no contact with them. Good riddance